Brutus Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Hello everybody. I told my full story here. In short: LDR for one year, the strongest feelings ever felt for anyone and - according to her words - the same for her. We are so similar, such a perfect match, she truly made me start believing in destiny. The most romantic relationship you can imagine. We finally move to the same country but to different cities. She starts a new life, becomes distant, cold, becomes friend with a guy who then tries to hit on her and she hides me that. I become more worried, jealous, angry, paranoid. This makes things worse, she says she feels she has no time for herself, feels pressure and too much responsibility for our relationship, she needs time. I break down physically and emotionally, we agree for a break which leads to her finishing it as she cannot stand me being in such a pain. She moves on quickly, I am broken. I see her one month later, she tells me she doesnt know what happened, something broke inside her, she wants to be alone and is tired of distance. She asks to keep in touch, i say no out of self preservation. Before leaving she kisses me and disappears. Since then I have been Nc for 2 weeks. I unfriended her on FB, removed all memories and I am wise enough not to check her public profile. But I do not feel it is getting any better. I desperately love her, I feel it could have been different, it could have worked and cant stop thinking of her any moment since i wake up until i go to bed. I feel trapped, I cant breathe, I am locked in a terrible limbo and I simply cannot get over her. Any helping suggestion?
Trovador Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 You gave her all the power... love, they say, is or should be unconditional but not unreasonable. You can't love blindly, I mean to the point of giving yourself up totally to the other person... they are now suddenly responsible of your happiness and well being, if they laugh, you laugh, if they are angry, you are too... that's unhealthy, breathing the same air they breathe, dancing to the tune they hear... Who knows, maybe this attitude has a lot to do with dumpage but that is irrelevant, what I intend to say is when we are dumped we truly are devastated, because like before they are still a part of our lives (if not all our life) but not only we are not anymore in theirs, they are not anymore with us and more important they do not want us in theirs. So, what's a man to do? Recover your humanity, manhood, personality, all that makes you Brutus, the real Brutus, and that you so gladly handed in to your ex... Do this slowly but surely, step by step, a day at a time and for people bordering in the obsessive, an hour at a time... Acceptance. That is the key to start this painful process of getting back together with yourself. Of finding yourself again. Of filling again the empty soul you carry now. Accept she is gone. Accept she won't be back ever. Accept that she has a right to her own happiness even if you are not part of said happiness. Accept even that maybe you are for her a sure cause of unhappiness and pain. Accept that you are not the right man for her. And start living again and recovering your essence and being whole again. It's hard but think that anyway it's not your call nor your fault. I was there, buddy, in the bottom and that meant that I had only a way to go, upward. I am still walking that lonely path but now I can glimpse the summit... Be strong, man! Best wishes for you... 3
Breadimus Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Edit: Excuse typos. Hey Brutus, Trovador speaks the truth in every way. It is difficult to understand what goes wrong in a relationship when it slips away because of list feelings. You would find though that based on countless stories that when a woman leaves a man it happens when they are low and can't bring their best to the relationship or seek to make the woman the centre of their life. No one wants to be worshipped, they want to be loved. This means that you do not compromise what makes you, you for the sake of a person, no matter how much you love them. Remember when you ex fell in live with you she fell in love with you at that time, the man you were then. We need to remember that because when we alter our behavior to make Simone else happy we are in affect turning into someone our partners did not fall in live with. It hurts at the moment mate, it really does. We all know and we all respect your pain. That is ok because it means you cared and loved her, but I think it is time you properly cared and loved yourself, just as I am trying to do. At the moment you are suffering the pain of detachment and it is terrible and for every other fish in the sea we both know they will not be that person you loved or who filled you with a joy that was unique to you two. Don't hate that it is gone, it was part if your narrative and it is what is, be great full you had such a wonderful opportunity but do not get held up in wishing for it to stay a little longer, for it is futile. Look forward to the next moment of bliss and understand how to appreciate it fully and properly during that moment. Keep soldering on 1
smileforelena Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 When we open ourselves up completely to the person we are with, part of the risk we take (but at that in love phase we dont really think or care to think about) is getting hurt that comes with unmet expectations (worst of it being the relationship ending and being caught off guard when it happens). It is what it is. And like Trovador said at this point acceptance is your best way of starting your journey towards healing. Everything is for a season. There will be times when it feels like the season is frozen and you are not getting anywhere. But every minute every hour that you are able to take hold of your emotions and thoughts and motivate yourself to move forward is movement upward. You can do this.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 It's only been two weeks, so what you are feeling is completely normal. Honestly, it takes time and an effort to move forward. If you keep with it, slowly but surely you'll notice that things will get better.
Author Brutus Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Thanks to all of you for your replies. Yes, I did adore her because she was truly the girl of my dreams. It has not always been a "toxic" relationship though. I became emotionally dependent from her from the moment I started noticing her detachment. The more I felt she was moving away, the more I needed confirmations from her and this turned our relationship into a self-destructive drama. And you are all right, this made me a different and worse person than the one she fell in love with. I tried to warn her about this, but to no avail. She felt the relationship was unbalanced, that she had all the responsibility for its functioning and it all spiralled to the point of no return. I wish I understood all this in time. Acceptance. That is the key to start this painful process of getting back together with yourself. Of finding yourself again. Of filling again the empty soul you carry now. Accept she is gone. Accept she won't be back ever. Accept that she has a right to her own happiness even if you are not part of said happiness. Accept even that maybe you are for her a sure cause of unhappiness and pain. Acceptance. Yes, this is the only thing I can do, I know, and yet the most difficoult. I need to force myself to kill any hope of having her back, but this seems simply impossible to me now. True, I feel I have been deprived of my soul, but how to find myself again if all I can think about is her? There is just a huge void inside me and this void has her shape. I cannot find anything which may fill it again because they do not match her shape. At the moment you are suffering the pain of detachment and it is terrible and for every other fish in the sea we both know they will not be that person you loved or who filled you with a joy that was unique to you two. You are right, Breadimus, I am still stuck in comparing everyone else with her, and of course they are not her, so I feel no one will ever make me feel so "complete" as she did. I try to go out, to meet people, but they all seem uninteresting to me, they just keep reminding me how different and special she was. Perhaps I should just let time pass, and if I cannot get over her at least try to forget her? "Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders" (Nietzsche)
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