Olive1 Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for 2+ years. We met in first year of University and lived together for 3 years before getting together as a couple in final year. At first I was very unsure about if we could work (he made the first move). I hadn't considered it before and we were very different people. He enjoyed drinking and partying and left all work til the last minute whereas I did enjoy going out but I am much more reserved and more focused on work. Anyway I gave it a go and quickly fell completely in love with him. I worried about his drinking and he has taken this on board and although he still drinks heavily sometimes, he is careful to have alcohol free days. I used to get unhappy whenever I thought he was drinking too much but I am much more relaxed about it now. Whether that is a good or bad thing I am not sure! He has a group of friends from University and they occasionally go on nights out where they all take drugs. At University this didn't bother me as I just didn't go but now I hate it. I think it has only happened about 4 times in the past year and a half so I have been able to get over it. Now they have several nights planned in the next couple of months and I'm not sure how I will deal with it. He knows I hate it (although maybe not how much) but says that I need to let him make his own decisions. It makes me angry with him because I feel like he doesn't care how I feel, although I also realise that I can't control everything he does and it would be unfair of me to try. I know I am a worrier and tend to overreact to anything which upsets me. I also know he has changed a lot for me and I do appreciate it. I don't know if this problem is mine which I need to sort out, or if I should really insist that he stops, or if this issue is just going to come between us until we break up. I'm sorry this is so long and I really appreciate anyone who took the time to read it! I would also be grateful of any advice/similar experiences anyone has.
oldshirt Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 If your grandmother was to ask your great grandmother if she should be living with and considering having a life with a man out of wedlock and that this man was an alcoholic and a drug abuser and was not responsible with other serious aspects of his life - what would your great grandmother tell her? Then lets say your mother asked your grandmother what she should do in a similar instance, what would your grandmother tell you mother? Now lets say you told your mother what you just told us. What would her advice be????? My recommendation is to listen to your mother, grandmother and great grandmother.
Author Olive1 Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Thankyou for your reply. Can it be that simple though? To throw away such a great relationship because of one issue? I may have portrayed him slightly too negatively. He enjoys drinking and drinks more than is recommended but he's not an alcoholic. He has a good job and takes on a lot of responsibility, and also puts a lot of effort into our, and other, relationships. I understand that some people take drugs and as long as they do it infrequently and are sensible, I suppose it is usually safe. In truth I was hoping for reassurance that it is not wrong to stay with him (athough prepared to accept I might not like the advice). Or advice about if a relationship can work between people with such different values.
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Drugs are a deal breaker for me so I can't give you objective advice. It's also not one issue. Drugs are illegal. Therefore your "great" BF is a criminal or at least associates with criminals. Do you really want those kinds of people in your home? If he gets arrested even for possession, then what? He will have a criminal record. How will he support a family? If the drugs are in your house or your car, you too are in danager of being arrested & found guilty of constructive possession. Is it really fair that he expose you to that possibility? We don't really know what long term effects drugs have on the human body. What is his injestion doing to his DNA / sperm? If you have children with this man, does his drug use increase the risks that you will adversely effect the baby? Is that a risk you are willing to take? My advise: walk away unless he gets clean & stays that way.
oldshirt Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 He enjoys drinking and drinks more than is recommended but he's not an alcoholic. Alcoholic is as alcoholic does. He's a drunkard whether he meets some arbitrary definition of alcoholic or not. He has a good job and takes on a lot of responsibility, and also puts a lot of effort into our, and other, relationships. So do billions of other men that aren't drunks and druggies. I understand that some people take drugs and as long as they do it infrequently and are sensible, I suppose it is usually safe. Anyone can get away with anything once or even a hundred times. Abusing drugs illegally will always have some kind of repercussions at some point. Why subject yourself to that when there are so many nondruggie guys out there? In truth I was hoping for reassurance that it is not wrong to stay with him What would your mother and grandmothers say about that??? Remember they love you and want the best for you. Are you really going to counterbalance that by some strangers on the internet telling you it's ok? (athough prepared to accept I might not like the advice) so far it's not looking like that is really the case. . Or advice about if a relationship can work between people with such different values relationships that persevere despite significant differences in values and mores and character is called "settling." Staying with someone despite character flaws and bad behavior because they are a bird in the hand and they don't want to put in the time and effort to find someone with compatible values and good behavior is settling. By saying that someone's drinking and drug problem "isn't that bad" is essentially saying that you are settling for a substandard partner because you don't want to put in the time and effort to find someone of more compatible values and character. Noone is suggesting your BF should be strung up and shot. I am just encouraging you do what your mother and grandmothers would want you to and what I would hope you would suggest for your own daughter. . Read my replies above. I do not encourage people to settle.
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