Polygraph??

[FoolishOW]

Hi,

 

 

I happened to be reading a thread on the infidelity forum and came across a comment having to do with someone looking for the truth from their spouse about an affair. The responder stated that a polygraph is a common tool used in this instance, at which point I almost dropped the coffee I was sipping. My immediate thought was, "You can't possibly be serious."

 

 

So I'm curious. Is this true? Do people somehow actually convince a spouse to march themselves down to the nearest precinct and volunteer to be polygraphed? Have I been living under a rock while this development occurred? With all due respect, I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or gasp in horror at the mere thought of such a suggestion. Does this take place at some sort of MC counseling facility (as surely the cops don't involve themselves in... I don't even know what to call it.) Who administers the polygraph? Who delivers the good/bad news? WHO actually sits for it? Oh, and NO, I am NOT asking out of fear by any stretch, but I am extremely curious. Thanks!

[SolG]

Hello FOW :-)

 

I know, it does sound extreme doesn't it? I've personally never heard of it happening in RL in my experience. However, just google polygraph + infidelity; there are scads of services, posts, blog entries, recommendations, etc, indicating that people do indeed do this!

 

I'm still thinking about what my opinion is on this. Part of me is slightly appalled, but then another part of me says who am I to object to what people need to do to feel safe in their relationships? Different folk; different needs.

 

I do know I would never roll one out. Nor would I ever subject myself to one. Deal breaker right there. It's just not me.

[Realist3]

It is highly unusual and very extreme. If someone has to go to this level they have a lot more issues than whether the person passes or fails the poly.

[Speakingofwhich]

deal breaker here, too. wouldn't require one and wouldn't take one. if i have that little trust in someone, it would be time for me to leave.

 

btw, op, your post made me want coffee and i can't drink it this late, would keep me awake tonight:(

[veritas lux mea]

Well its like this. When you destroy someone's trust and they catch you doing so and you deny or minimize where does that leave the person? I don't think it is wrong of a BS to have it as a stipulation. After all, the person you thought you knew and loves was caught red handed in the cookie jar. Everything you believed to be true could be a lie. I think they are usually for cases where everythibg points to a PA but that is denied or points to it being longer but that is denied. How can you trust a liar and cheater when they lie and cheat?

 

So we have this handy dandy device available through the police or services that will give you basic deal breaker answers. A ws spouse who realizes they f'd up will take it, they don't hurt. To prove to their Bs they are not lying about the affair not being physical or bein short. And then there is the parking lot confessions where everything can come out.

 

So now the BS can have some idea of moving forward. A marriage may be over when the affair comes to light but a WS who ate their cake and wants their BS will not hesitate to agree to such. Only a WS who doesn't truly love their BS or actually is lying still would refuse. Because if you love someone and are afraid of losing them and no you have broken all trust. Having this once chance to prove you aren't lying is not something to get all self righteous about.

 

It is actually silly to think that someone who has lied and broken all trust but claims to want to reconcile and that they love their spouse would be indignant at such a request. The mere willingness to do so can be enough.

[whatatangledweb]

It is fairly common on these types of forums to hear about them. I have never heard of it in RL. It is done by a private polygrapher. He asked the questions the BS wants to know. I would never take one so why ask my husband to take one? They are not that reliable which is why they are not allowed in courts. Guilty people pass them, and innocent ones fail them...not all the time but often enough.

[veritas lux mea]

It is fairly common on these types of forums to hear about them. I have never heard of it in RL. It is done by a private polygrapher. He asked the questions the BS wants to know. I would never take one so why ask my husband to take one? They are not that reliable which is why they are not allowed in courts. Guilty people pass them, and innocent ones fail them...not all the time but often enough.

 

You should probably do some more research on them. They are far more accurate these days. And they are used by many companies. While people have failed them when innocent they will often retake. Very few people can pass them. Pretty much only sociopaths.

 

I think perhaps it is more of an outdated predjudice against them that gives people such a negative view. And the fact that they are fallable means when someone going to jail or not you don't want to rely only on them. But for the average person who has already lost their marriage. What do they have to lose?

[Speakingofwhich]

you make some good points, veritas lux mea. if it would help a couple to go this route, then kudos to them! sure go ahead, it's not wrong, to each his own. I don't see myself doing it, though, but hate to say, "never!" think if i didn't trust the person before i'd ask them to get a polygraph test I'd try to get us to work on trust issues and any issues my partner would suggest.

 

for me, the offer of trust, is bonding, even when undeserving and it would seem to me to be destroyed by asking a person to undergo a polygraph test. and i'm not sure passing a polygraph would re establish trust for me with a person had suspicion of them risen to that extent.

 

the feeling i think i'd get from asking my SO to get a polygraph would be like going out for a romantic dinner at a pricey restaurant and turning to your date and asking, "Have you washed your hands before eating?" or something. now this may be a ridiculous analogy, idk.

[veritas lux mea]

you make some good points, veritas lux mea. if it would help a couple to go this route, then kudos to them! sure go ahead, it's not wrong, to each his own. I don't see myself doing it, though, but hate to say, "never!" think if i didn't trust the person before i'd ask them to get a polygraph test I'd try to get us to work on trust issues and any issues my partner would suggest.

 

for me, the offer of trust, is bonding, even when undeserving and it would seem to me to be destroyed by asking a person to undergo a polygraph test. and i'm not sure passing a polygraph would re establish trust for me with a person had suspicion of them risen to that extent.

 

the feeling i think i'd get from asking my SO to get a polygraph would be like going out for a romantic dinner at a pricey restaurant and turning to your date and asking, "Have you washed your hands before eating?" or something. now this may be a ridiculous analogy, idk.

 

 

I think if the person hasn't gave a reason of mistrust then for sure a polygraph would be a slap in the face. But if the evidence is overwhelming against them... And i get not asking for one but I do know I love my husband very much and had he caught me things would have been a lot different. And had he needed a poly to verify certain facts of my affair i would have done so.

[Lady2163]

It's already been said, but this would happen at a private business, NOT at the police station.

 

Oddly enough, I would and will do a background check on the next man I get serious about. But, I doubt I would tell him I did so. I would require a prenup before marriage and to be brutally frank, if he were moving into my house, there would be some legal agreement that he couldnt pop me for common law marriage and take me to the cleaners if the relationship ended 6 months or more down the road. There would be separate money accounts.

 

Conversely, I am willing to do all this in return, nor would I get excited if I found out he did any of those things regarding me if the situation was reversed.x

 

BUT, I wouldn't take a polygraph. It's been a long time since I was a betrayed girlfriend. As far as I was concerned, they had cheated, it didn't matter how many times they had been together or how long it had been going on. I didn't know her. He was a sociopath. While she did some nasty things to me, I have come to terms with the fact he was undoubtedly lying to her about me, while courting her. What she said is her responsibility, being conned into saying them to me is not.

 

As much as I preach this is the OW/OM forum, I am interested to know what exactly betrayed spouse would want to know. My guess:

 

Is this the only time you've cheated?

How many women have you cheated with?

Did you love any of them?

Do you have any children I don't know about?

Will you do this again?

 

Done incorrectly, polygraph in is situation can be a huge invasion of privacy. I know this may send people into orbit, but if I had a partner who wanted a polygraph, whether I had cheated or not, I would probably expect them to do the same. Hey - if we are all innocent here or have told the truth about everything, what is the problem?

[veritas lux mea]

A good polygrapher will not accept questions such as

 

"did you love him/her" as the answer is too emotional. They stick to clearn black and white yes and no questions.

[MuddyFootprints]

Today, last week, last year...I'd take the test and pass. Then I'd probably file for divorce.

 

I have a tendency to be more than a little brutal with the truth, though. I was cruel and wanted him to know that I had a romantic interest in someone else.

 

Yeah, I know...

[FoolishOW]

Thanks so much for the replies! I was a little afraid to say it in my opening post, but honestly... guilty OR innocent, there's no way in h*ll you'd catch me at that type of party! Wouldn't take one, wouldn't ask someone else to take one.

 

 

I will say, I've seen it mentioned in posts once or twice, but never stopped long enough to actually consider the ramifications. The post I read that caught my attention mentioned it was "common". Never thought to google it, lol. Not sure I'd want to.

 

 

SolG, you're a better person than I am. I can't think of a single argument that would make this justifiable on any level.

 

 

Like Realist says... passing or failing is most likely the least significant issue at hand if this is the chosen tool for relationship evaluation. YIKES!

 

 

Speakingofwhich... you made me laugh! I'm a night owl quite naturally. Never even thought about the caffeine.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I can't think of a single argument that would make this justifiable on any level.

 

 

Many say the same about infidelity and affairs...yet here we are.

[FoolishOW]

Holy Crap! I took a second to reply to the first 3 responses and returned to find a page full of conversation!!! I comment from time to time, but I've never started a thread before and suddenly I'm terrified. (Wait... does this make me an author? )

 

 

I haven't even looked yet, but I'm certain I've offended someone. This 'thread starting gig' is a lot of pressure!

[chelsea2011]

Holy Crap! I took a second to reply to the first 3 responses and returned to find a page full of conversation!!! I comment from time to time, but I've never started a thread before and suddenly I'm terrified. (Wait... does this make me an author? )

 

 

I haven't even looked yet, but I'm certain I've offended someone. This 'thread starting gig' is a lot of pressure!

 

Ha! Funny. I look at it this way; if I have to ask my SO to take a poly then the gig is up. Why bother torturing yourself...walk away. You will find someone else who won't require a poly to prove they love you. Yuck and yikes!

[MuddyFootprints]

Ha! Funny. I look at it this way; if I have to ask my SO to take a poly then the gig is up. Why bother torturing yourself...walk away. You will find someone else who won't require a poly to prove they love you. Yuck and yikes!

 

I can get behind that viewpoint as well.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I can't imagine this even happening, unless of course there was some extreme gaslighting found on by the wayward spouse!

[FoolishOW]

Well its like this. When you destroy someone's trust and they catch you doing so and you deny or minimize where does that leave the person? I don't think it is wrong of a BS to have it as a stipulation. After all, the person you thought you knew and loves was caught red handed in the cookie jar. Everything you believed to be true could be a lie. I think they are usually for cases where everythibg points to a PA but that is denied or points to it being longer but that is denied. How can you trust a liar and cheater when they lie and cheat?

 

So we have this handy dandy device available through the police or services that will give you basic deal breaker answers. A ws spouse who realizes they f'd up will take it, they don't hurt. To prove to their Bs they are not lying about the affair not being physical or bein short. And then there is the parking lot confessions where everything can come out.

 

 

 

 

So now the BS can have some idea of moving forward. A marriage may be over when the affair comes to light but a WS who ate their cake and wants their BS will not hesitate to agree to such. Only a WS who doesn't truly love their BS or actually is lying still would refuse. Because if you love someone and are afraid of losing them and no you have broken all trust. Having this once chance to prove you aren't lying is not something to get all self righteous about.

 

It is actually silly to think that someone who has lied and broken all trust but claims to want to reconcile and that they love their spouse would be indignant at such a request. The mere willingness to do so can be enough.

 

 

Um... Okay. With all due respect, I don't need to be convinced of the havoc that is caused by affairs. I get it, and I feel for anyone who's been through that experience. What I have trouble with is if, after all is said and done (MC, IC, etc), you still look at your spouse with distrust and suspicion, how is a polygraph suppose to suddenly eradicate the view you have of them by virtue of the fact that they passed? Could it have been a false positive? Is the guilty person just calmer than most, leaving you still wondering? Do you then continue to have each other polygraphed when one doesn't believe the other about the next issue that arises?

 

 

I understand wanting to get to the bottom of things, and wanting to have what you need to determine how you should move forward, but I'm afraid that, for me anyway, if I couldn't reach the point of feeling more secure with my partner on a more human level, a lie detector surely isn't gonna get me there. Guess we just don't view it the same way, but that's fine.

[pickflicker]

Making someone sit a polygraph is a waste of time. They don't measure "lying". The measure instances of emotional arousal.

 

You're going to know if your partner is lying, way more than any machine. If you're at the polygraph stage, you might as well leave them.

[Bootsie]

I don't understand the frequent response on these forums to the effect of "insist on a polygraph". In my country there's only about one (possibly 2 now) private polygraph service in the country, and they are incredibly expensive and they limit it to only 2 or 3 questions otherwise they charge more. I know this because I actually contacted them. Also the person I spoke to sounded very dodgy when I spoke to him and I've heard him touting his services on the radio.

 

 

Are there places in the world where you can just front up to your local police and they will conduct a polygraph on your behalf? Somehow I doubt it, but would be interested to hear about them.

[waterwoman]

I wouldn't ask h to do this personally. I don't think he lied to me once he had decided to confess. But if I was in his shoes and he wanted one done I'd agree. Anything to fix the mess I'd made. However I think it would only have a place in the first few months after d-day. When everything is up in the air and you are both clutching at anything to get your world steady again.

 

But all this talk about it indicating a loss of trust and you would take it and walk??! why? Isn't an affair a good reason to lose trust? With time, love and honesty the trust will come back but to start with how, as a WS could you complain about not being trusted?

[denise_xo]

Ha! Funny. I look at it this way; if I have to ask my SO to take a poly then the gig is up. Why bother torturing yourself...walk away. You will find someone else who won't require a poly to prove they love you. Yuck and yikes!

 

I think it's less about love and more about establishing facts. A lot of people who have committed infidelity don't tell their betrayed spouses the truth that the BS feel they deserve, and which is a condition for even considering reconciliation. If your marriage is at stake and you want to explore all options for saving it, I can understand why someone would want to go that route, although I wouldn't do it myself.

[fellini]

I don't get the trust in them either.

 

1) I demand my "WS" take a polygraph. Why? Because I think she cheated and is lying about it? If I only think she is, then I find out that she passes the test! Wow what a great relationship I have with my not-so WS.

 

2) I know she has cheated. Non issue. I don't need a poly or the THREAT of a poly to get her to give me one of those famous parking lot confessions.

A confession like I was water boarding her.

 

3) How about this one. My SO knows I will drag her to a poly if I think she's fooling around. So she deliberately plants false clues, pretends to be shocked. Off we go the the expensive poly. She passes. Next day she gets to play the town knowing there is no way Im going to drag her back and try again.

 

This has been known to happen with cheaters who leave false clues about AP who do not exist or are not in the picture. Throws the BS off, makes him believe his suspicions are delusion personal issues, while the affair continues on behind his back.

 

More importantly, if I cannot get the truth or get to the point to understand my SO such that I need a poly, maybe im in the wrong relationship.

[jellybean89]

A lot of assumptions on this thread about what a polygraph is, does, how it's done, where it's done, why it's done, etc.

 

For those that can't imagine the horror of taking a polygraph, that's how a BS feels when knowledge of a cheating partner surfaces. Shock, horror, devastation, just to name a few. While you (general you) can't imagine taking a polygraph, some can't imagine ever being an OW/OM.

 

Not just anyone can administer a polygraph. It takes training. No, the local police don't administer them for cases of infidelity. Polygraphs don't hurt. Questions are yes and no answers. A few non related questions are asked first, to get a baseline for truth.

 

When confronted with a liar, who continues to gaslight and lie, a spouses may decide to go the route of a polygraph. I guess some people do not get the wreckage that occurs when infidelity is part of a marriage. The betrayed persons world has exploded. The lies told to them have made them believe they are loosing their mind. They WANT to trust their spouse, but some can never recover from the betrayal. Look at some of the the OW on this forum who are still pining for the MM months and years later! These OW were not a spouse, did not build a life with the cheater, did not have kids with the cheater, didn't have retirement plans in place. Sure, some OW and MM talked future, but that's not the same as what a MARRIED couple does. The oW and MM don't have shared bank accounts, shared assets, shared material things. Yet the OW crumbles when an affair ends. You don't have to split joint assets, spilt kids time, etc like a BS does. So in some instances, a BS wants further "proof" the cheater isn't lying and therefore turns to a polygraph.

 

Scoff all you want, claiming you would never do that or ask your partner to do that. That's wonderful for you. But for some - it is what THEY need to do to determine their future.