Apologising to an Ex from a long time ago

[thecrucible]

Is it worth it?

 

 

I sometimes want to draw a line under my past and apologise for some of the things I did a long time ago in past relationships...just so they know that I am truly and deeply sorry...but then I think it would be selfish because it would hurt them to suddenly hear from me..

 

 

At the same time. I'm really stubborn about it because I don't like either of my exes. They were emotionally manipulative and mean to me. But then it was wrong for me to have cheated on one of them...I didn't apologise at the time because of feeling resentment towards him, but I didn't ask for him back either.

 

 

If I sent a message to them, I don't think it would put my mind at ease...I'd be afraid of getting an abusive message back and it would make me feel worse. I would do it because it would seem like the right things.

 

 

It has been 3 years though (for one guy) and 6 years for the other. For the ex 6 years, he was slightly physically abusive towards me (although I didn't act perfectly myself to him) and he has NEVER expressed any kind of remorse for it. I don't know how I'd feel if he messaged me to apologise although sometimes I think I would like it.

 

 

Has anyone else apologised to an ex for their past behaviour, or been tempted to?

[STM206]

I apologized to mine and it went well. If it's something that would make you feel better, I don't see the harm in it - enough time has passed and perhaps both of them are in better places right now.

 

However I ask, are you sincerely wanting to apologize or are you lonely and subconsciously/consciously hoping for them to want to rekindle?

[thecrucible]

However I ask, are you sincerely wanting to apologize or are you lonely and subconsciously/consciously hoping for them to want to rekindle?

 

 

 

Definitely not. I think they're both arrogant *******s...

[KaliLove]

I seriously doubt either of them would care at this point. Why open the door to future communication and/or abuse if you're not interested in having them in your life?

[thecrucible]

Maybe you're right. I can't even bear to look at pictures of them...

 

 

Although it seems like the right thing to do, maybe I should just work on giving myself closure?

[redbaron005]

You

to them without apologizing to them.

[thecrucible]

You

to them without apologizing to them.

 

 

 

Thanks honey

 

 

That was helpful. I'm watching it now. I just find it hard to forgive, when I don't feel like the other person acknowledges what they did to me too/you know things being equal...

[faithfully]

Ive appologised to an ex i treated badly, who was madly in love with me, treated him like a mug and also cheated on and left him for the guy i cheated with.

 

6/7 years has passed, am mature and grown up since then. He actually forgave me and i talk to him now and again like twice a year or something.

 

I appologised for the crap and sadness i put him through and asked for forgiveness and he excepted it.

 

Worth a try, at least u appologised and can bury it and move on

[redbaron005]

Thanks honey

 

 

That was helpful. I'm watching it now. I just find it hard to forgive, when I don't feel like the other person acknowledges what they did to me too/you know things being equal...

 

Glad it helped.

 

Well, they say that forgiveness is the ultimate form of love. Precisely bc it is as difficult to do as you say. So love yourself and work in your heart to forgive them.

 

I'd also note that it looks like you want to be apologized to more than apologize for your actions in the BUs. That sort of defeats the purpose, so I think continued silence is best for now.

[Ordinaryday]

Sorry to take an opposing view to most people, but I would say NO, let sleeping dogs lie.

 

Most people have bad memories of a break up and however noble your intentions, contacting them will make them remember/relive those painful memories, that's not fair to them.

 

Further, the exes who have 'apologised' to me usually did it for their own interests, ie to relieve their guilt, and not cos they genuinely cared about me. I have no interest in helping my dumper sleep better at night.

 

Finally, the fact that they were 'apologising' to me but they didn't want me back was another hurt.... It was like 'hey I'm sorry for hurting you... But I still don't think you are good enough for me', spare me!

 

So no, I would say just let it alone

[Simon Phoenix]

I would also say leave it alone. I had an urge to do this with an ex that I had gotten over several years after the fact as part of just an overall cleansing of my soul or whatever. I found her on Facebook, saw she was happily married and expecting a kid, and realized that there was no point in apologizing. She moved on, she got married, she seemed to be otherwise doing well and I realize the best apology I could have given was just leaving her alone and letting her live her own life. I'd suggest you do the same.

[KatZee]

A couple years ago I expressed desire to apologize to an ex of mine that I hurt very badly. I posted that question here and was very quickly shot down.

 

I was basically told to "f.uck off" and that the ex I hurt would never in a million years want to speak to me or even hear from me.

 

It's been quite a number of years since those relationships. Make peace with yourself and let it go.

 

The ex I wanted to apologize to is in a new relationship and happy. Why would I want to pop back up from outta absolutely no where to stir that up?

[Trovador]

For some strange reason I visualize a man listening by phone the apologies of his ex and saying "it's ok... don't worry..." while making an obscene gesture with one of his fingers...

 

Sorry for disrupting the "topicness" but I think I offered my humble opinion...

[thecrucible]

Thanks. I think it's unlikely that I'll give into any kind of urge, as I didn't at the time..

 

 

What bugs me is that I didn't apologise at the time for the cheating. I felt so much remorse because I did cry about it, but I didn't try to win him back either. I realised that I committed a cowardly act as an exit route from the relationship. There was a lot of resentment. He sent me abusive messages and tried to get revenge by sending messages to my friends about it. I can understand why.

 

 

As I say I could have humbled myself at the time but I was too stubborn. I resented him because he hadn't spent any time with me/shown affection for months and pushed me away. He also had erectile dysfunction. He told me that he couldn't have sex with me because he had too much respect for me, but also that he didn't find me attractive enough. I think the erectile dysfunction was due to overconsumption of steroids but he told me it was because I was unattractive. I was really hurt by this and it contributed to the cheating.

 

 

I have more compassion for him with distance and can understand his point of view. I wish I could convey that to him now but I'll have to leave it. We had a good relationship until the last 6 months of it. I could have just been assertive and broken up with him rather than forcing myself to stay and ended up cheating. Then I wouldn't have hurt him either. I felt so unloved at the time that I didn't think he would care that much about it so I was surprised by his reaction.

[Ordinaryday]

Thanks. I think it's unlikely that I'll give into any kind of urge, as I didn't at the time..

 

 

What bugs me is that I didn't apologise at the time for the cheating. I felt so much remorse because I did cry about it, but I didn't try to win him back either. I realised that I committed a cowardly act as an exit route from the relationship. There was a lot of resentment. He sent me abusive messages and tried to get revenge by sending messages to my friends about it. I can understand why.

 

 

As I say I could have humbled myself at the time but I was too stubborn. I resented him because he hadn't spent any time with me/shown affection for months and pushed me away. He also had erectile dysfunction. He told me that he couldn't have sex with me because he had too much respect for me, but also that he didn't find me attractive enough. I think the erectile dysfunction was due to overconsumption of steroids but he told me it was because I was unattractive. I was really hurt by this and it contributed to the cheating.

 

 

I have more compassion for him with distance and can understand his point of view. I wish I could convey that to him now but I'll have to leave it. We had a good relationship until the last 6 months of it. I could have just been assertive and broken up with him rather than forcing myself to stay and ended up cheating. Then I wouldn't have hurt him either. I felt so unloved at the time that I didn't think he would care that much about it so I was surprised by his reaction.

 

im sorry, this is way offtopic, but are you SURE he had 'erectile dysfunction'??? that is a pretty scary term and a big thing to throw around! had he been diagnosed by a doctor with it??

 

because I am not sure you know, but there are THOUSANDS of factors outside of 'erectile dysfunction' that influence whether a guy can get hard or not - such as whether he has had alcohol, whether he is tired, worn out, masturbated recently, whether you are 'wet' down there, whether the foreplay was sufficient and so on.

 

throwing around the ED label when you could not have sex a few times is terrible and will absolutely destroy a guys self-esteem, because I am not sure if you know this but ERECTIONS ARE INVOLUNTARY! They are not like moving your arm, most guys cant control when and where they get them, hence we may get them publicly when talking to a hot woman.

 

throwing around the ED label is absolutely SOUL-CRUSHING to a guy.

[thecrucible]

throwing around the ED label when you could not have sex a few times is terrible and will absolutely destroy a guys self-esteem, because I am not sure if you know this but ERECTIONS ARE INVOLUNTARY! They are not like moving your arm, most guys cant control when and where they get them, hence we may get them publicly when talking to a hot woman.

 

 

No he told me he thought he had problems with erections and that he didn't know why....then once he was angry with me and said it was because of me. He also told me that he watched a lot of porn. He would do that more than spending physical time with me. I had to initiate it myself 90% of the time.

 

 

And it wasn't a few times. It was for several months. I thought he didn't love me anymore because he never wanted to have sex with me. He might have been stressed with work and that was the reason but he never told me. When I brought it up, he just got angry. I tried but nothing changed.

 

 

Have worked out my issues now but I used to have problems with guys in the past because I had a higher sex drive than them. Now I realise my excessive focus on sex was because we weren't compatible in other ways. If communication had been better, we'd spent more time together and there was a deeper bond, I probably wouldn't have felt so unloved without the sex. I know exactly where I went wrong. I didn't not try with him - I wanted him to feel appreciated but I could have had a better understanding of the issues and not assumed he was rejecting me.

 

 

As I say, I wish I could explain this to him! ahhh

Edited April 12, 2014 by thecrucible

[Ordinaryday]

No he told me he thought he had problems with erections and that he didn't know why....then once he was angry with me and said it was because of me.

 

 

And it wasn't a few times. It was for several months. I thought he didn't love me anymore because he never wanted to have sex with me. He might have been stressed with work and that was the reason but he never told me. When I brought it up, he just got angry. I tried but nothing changed.

 

 

Have worked out my issues now but I used to have problems with guys in the past because I had a higher sex drive than them. Now I realise my excessive focus on sex was because we weren't compatible in other ways. If communication had been better, we'd spent more time together and there was a deeper bond, I probably wouldn't have felt so unloved without the sex. I know exactly where I went wrong. I didn't not try with him - I wanted him to feel appreciated but I could have had a better understanding of the issues and not assumed he was rejecting me.

 

 

As I say, I wish I could explain this to him! ahhh

 

dont explain it, because he has already reached conclusions in his own mind and anything you say will just annoy him and set him back.

 

the reason I was so defensive about ED is I had a similar issue with an old girlfriend, although we only tried having sex a few times. I was erect but she was not wet and would not help 'guide it in' so it was like hitting a brick wall.

 

but she became convinced I had ED and dumped me as a result.

 

it was one of the most crushing, souldestroying, self-esteem blowing things that can happen to a guy.

 

seriously, dont go throwing around the ED label unless you are 100% (not 99.99%, but ONE HUNDRED) certain that is what it is.

[VeronicaRoss]

Yes, I have done it.

 

I wasn't prepared for the depth of the wounds I would be facing. It's a long time ago, I didn't consider myself that important in their history, and I thought they'd be more amused and 'no big deal' but they weren't. There was a lot of anger. I found out I told them virtually nothing when I thought I had overshared with them in the past.

 

So I kept on talking with them through it if they wanted to, left them alone if that's what they needed to do.

 

I had an old man explain to me in my 20s that whoever you have sex with you're bonded to them for life. He prayed to God to dissolve those bonds so they all could be free. I think there was a lot of wisdom there.

[thecrucible]

seriously, dont go throwing around the ED label unless you are 100% (not 99.99%, but ONE HUNDRED) certain that is what it is.

 

 

 

 

 

I will bear that in mind.

But that's another problem.

I was venting a lot in forums after we broke up because I had no one to talk too, and I ended up saying too much. He saw the posts and got upset and told me to stop posting but I refused.

I know that would have been humiliating to him.

I was too upset at the time, was acting pretty irrationally and wanted to prove to him that I wouldn't dance to his tune and that's why I didn't.

I wish I had been kinder.

I wish I hadn't caused loads of drama.

 

 

 

 

The only damage limitation I can do now is to find that old forum and delete every post about him even if takes me all friggin day.

[Sugarkane]

I've always wanted an apology, but never gotten a sincere one. I suspect I never will get one. The only time I got one was fake and the dumper decided I was good enough to use for sex months later. I told him to f. off. Other than that I guess you can't expect someone to think about other other people, when there's no consequences for lying, cheating and playing people.

[WYSWYG]

Ive appologised to an ex i treated badly, who was madly in love with me, treated him like a mug and also cheated on and left him for the guy i cheated with.

 

6/7 years has passed, am mature and grown up since then. He actually forgave me and i talk to him now and again like twice a year or something.

 

I appologised for the crap and sadness i put him through and asked for forgiveness and he excepted it.

 

Worth a try, at least u appologised and can bury it and move on

 

I did the same to my first long-time GF. I wasn't a cheater or abusive or anything like that but I know I did/said things that hurt her. She was into me and was always forgiving.

 

We broke up over 3 years ago and reconnected a year or so later but on platonic terms. Without RS pressure, it was easier for us to discuss our past disagreements w/out getting too emotional. I mentioned regretting certain things I said/did to her and that I realized how they hurt.

 

I apologized for all of my short-comings for not knowing any better at that time. I needed to swallow some pride to get things clear and clean.

 

I just felt it was the right thing to do. I wasn't trying to win her back and I didn't care for equal confessions. She was receptive and was glad that we talked about it.

 

I hope that helps a bit OP. I honestly think some people just aren't gifted w/ the sensibility to acknowledge equality in a RS.

 

I learned to let my conscience be my guide. An apology never hurts.

Edited April 12, 2014 by WYSWYG

[redbaron005]

I learned to let my conscience be my guide

 

Disney quote - I approve.

[thecrucible]

I thought about him again today.

 

If I were to apologise to him, I would really just write it in a letter and send it.

 

I wouldn't even want a reply. I would just forget that I ever sent it.

 

I know it's the right thing to do but I am also thinking about his feelings. I don't want to butt into his life and mess things up. I just wanted to swallow pride and admit my error, which is not something I did well at the time. I never hid the cheating from him but I toned it down to save his feelings. Unfortunately a friend betrayed me and revealed that the infidelity had been sexual and that's when things got to a head. He was actually very forgiving of it when he thought it was only a kiss (which is what I originally told him).

 

Hmmm...still pondering it but I won't do anything rash.

[VeronicaRoss]

I'm with SugarKane, I've longed for an honest apology from those who probably owe me one. I haven't received one in all this time.

 

I think it would be worth it's weight in gold.