When a man's been cheated on and doesn't care why...

[Hopeful30]

How can you say that you aren't blaming the victim yet at the exact same time say " women cheat because there is something missing "

 

 

No..

Women and men alike chest because they are cowards and have no respect for their bf/GT/marriage

 

Tell that to a woman (and mother) stuck in a loveless and abusive marriage that she can't get out of...

[Keenly]

Tell that to a woman (and mother) stuck in a loveless and abusive marriage that she can't get out of...

 

Excuses for bad behavior won't gain sympathy from me.

[dragon_fly_7]

Tell that to a woman (and mother) stuck in a loveless and abusive marriage that she can't get out of...

The abuser should be out of the woman's life anyways. If he's hitting her, then he should be in jail. No one puts a chain around you and makes you stay with an abuser or selfish man.

[man_in_the_box]

Cheating isn't a personal quality.

 

Uh, yes it is.

[GemmaUK]

How can you say that you aren't blaming the victim yet at the exact same time say " women cheat because there is something missing "

 

 

No..

Women and men alike chest because they are cowards and have no respect for their bf/GT/marriage

 

No. Not always.

 

Often it is because they feel completely unwanted/un-needed and incredibly lonely in the relationship they are in.

 

These are my thoughts..I have never cheated but one person did cheat on me and I know why he did. I totally understand it.

 

I'm not taking sides, I'm not just blaming. I'm looking at the whole situation and taking responsibility for my part in it too.

 

So many people I have met just blame, literally just blame. They name call and it's horrible. The thing is the more you get to know the kind of person who does that about exes the more you become aware that they always are the victim..over 'every' aspect of their life that doesn't go quite right.

 

I dated a trucker, part of his job was to receive a mail with a postcode (zip code) and a company name and address.

He only ever keyed the postcode into his sat nav system.

He would turn up and sit his truck at a field in the middle of nowhere with no businesses there, nothing and wait until he got a call from his company asking where he was and why 'x' hadn't been delivered. This would wreck his working day and incur hefty fines for his company for late deliveries for all of the rest of that day.

 

I was on a call with him one night, he mentioned that he was going somewhere the next day and the postcode wasn't showing up on his sat nav. I asked him for the code and I googled it. I then asked for the company name. while we were chatting about other stuff.

I found them and told him the correct postcode for his sat nav. He was a happy boy!

 

The same thing happened 2 days later he went ballistic again, moaning and cussing to me by text and then on a call that his company gave him a wrong code. I suggested he just did a quick google for the company when he got a new delivery address through just as I had done for him that night. Easy.

Nope, his view was they should get it right. Yes they should but my view is if it is then going to mess up a whole day so that you end up not meeting any delivery time and work until gawd knows what time of night then isn't it just easier to take a bit of responsibility for it and do a 30 second check yourself?

 

He actually even complained about me to a mutual friend over this telling them I was being a total biatch.

 

It was simply ridiculous! He never took any responsibility over anything. It was always the fault of another. I think he enjoyed blaming others. It was a bit lame to watch a grown man have so many 'problems' with so many people.

It was also tiresome to listen to all the 'problems'. ....that could so easily have been rectified..if he had been proactive and taken responsibility...*sigh*

[BHsigh]

No. Not always.

 

Often it is because they feel completely unwanted/un-needed and incredibly lonely in the relationship they are in.

 

These are my thoughts..I have never cheated but one person did cheat on me and I know why he did. I totally understand it.

 

I'm not taking sides, I'm not just blaming. I'm looking at the whole situation and taking responsibility for my part in it too.

 

So many people I have met just blame, literally just blame. They name call and it's horrible. The thing is the more you get to know the kind of person who does that about exes the more you become aware that they always are the victim..over 'every' aspect of their life that doesn't go quite right.

 

I dated a trucker, part of his job was to receive a mail with a postcode (zip code) and a company name and address.

He only ever keyed the postcode into his sat nav system.

He would turn up and sit his truck at a field in the middle of nowhere with no businesses there, nothing and wait until he got a call from his company asking where he was and why 'x' hadn't been delivered. This would wreck his working day and incur hefty fines for his company for late deliveries for all of the rest of that day.

 

I was on a call with him one night, he mentioned that he was going somewhere the next day and the postcode wasn't showing up on his sat nav. I asked him for the code and I googled it. I then asked for the company name. while we were chatting about other stuff.

I found them and told him the correct postcode for his sat nav. He was a happy boy!

 

The same thing happened 2 days later he went ballistic again, moaning and cussing to me by text and then on a call that his company gave him a wrong code. I suggested he just did a quick google for the company when he got a new delivery address through just as I had done for him that night. Easy.

Nope, his view was they should get it right. Yes they should but my view is if it is then going to mess up a whole day so that you end up not meeting any delivery time and work until gawd knows what time of night then isn't it just easier to take a bit of responsibility for it and do a 30 second check yourself?

 

He actually even complained about me to a mutual friend over this telling them I was being a total biatch.

 

It was simply ridiculous! He never took any responsibility over anything. It was always the fault of another. I think he enjoyed blaming others. It was a bit lame to watch a grown man have so many 'problems' with so many people.

It was also tiresome to listen to all the 'problems'. ....that could so easily have been rectified..if he had been proactive and taken responsibility...*sigh*

 

I've felt completely unwanted, un needed and lonely before, and yet I was somehow able to keep myself from cheating. Those aren't reasons, they are just poor excuses.

 

The simple answer is that people cheat because they can, and they let themselves.

 

Tell me which is harder, working things out with your SO, divorcing your SO or cheating, having a high chance of getting caught and then either divorcing anyways or spending years working on a successful reconciliation?

 

I would much prefer the first two options.

[man_in_the_box]

Often it is because they feel completely unwanted/un-needed and incredibly lonely in the relationship they are in.

 

And cheating helps in exactly what way?

[GemmaUK]

Ugh! I am not saying cheating is ok.

 

It's not at all.

 

But those who have been cheated on continually ..............there is a common denominator here and it's you.

 

If this happens time and again surely a person would look inwards and figure out (or try to figure out) what about them leads an SO to cheat?

I would!

[Imported]

No. Not always.

.....

 

I'm not taking sides, I'm not just blaming. I'm looking at the whole situation and taking responsibility for my part in it too.

 

So many people I have met just blame, literally just blame. They name call and it's horrible.

 

Look, I am all for figuring out what I can do better with anything.

 

However, there is a difference between a guy not doing as much as he can and his girlfriend/wife telling him she doesn't think it will work out and they should split compared to a girl thinking he is not doing enough and so she goes off to **** another guy while still thinking of being in a relationship with the guy she is cheating on.

 

One girl deserves respect. The other does not.

[BHsigh]

Ugh! I am not saying cheating is ok.

 

It's not at all.

 

But those who have been cheated on continually ..............there is a common denominator here and it's you.

 

If this happens time and again surely a person would look inwards and figure out (or try to figure out) what about them leads an SO to cheat?

I would!

 

So now we're responsible for other people's actions? And the problem to begin with is the BS, your own words written out.

 

Look, there is nothing in the world that I could do to prevent my SO from cheating, from everything that I knew, we were completely happy. How are we supposed to force our SO to talk to us without knowing that the problems that big to begin with? Do you think that we've never tried to talk? Do you think that I didn't sit her down and try to find out what was wrong? That I didn't try to pay attention and find out what the issue was?

 

The affair is the sole realm of the WS and the AP, they are the only two that had any say in the matter. If someone is unhappy in a relationship, the way forward is to talk to about it or leave, not to cheat.

[man_in_the_box]

When a persons behavior perpetually screws up their relationship it evokes a response from their SO. However the manifestation of that response depends on their SO. Some react good (call for resolve/breakup) and some react bad (cheating). But in the end the response is completely dependent on the SO not the instigator. There is no behaviour that will 100% cause any arbitrary person to cheat. Hence cheating is always an illogical and unnecessary choice.

[GemmaUK]

No one is getting my thoughts here.

 

My entire thought is about taking responsibility

 

Not just over relationships but about everything in a man/woman's life.

 

Lack of responsibility in a relationship can be the beginning of being aware a person lacks responsibility elsewhere and everywhere in their life.

 

As I mentioned earlier. My mum was in a violent relationship She totally accepted her part in her own responsibility for it getting to the point it did.

He threw her against a wall..right after he threw the dinner she had made him against that wall.

She admitted she could have and should have got out sooner. She had instincts she ignored. She took responsibility for enabling his behaviour.

 

I understood why my fella cheated. It doesn't mean it was OK but I understand and take responsibility for my part in it.

 

Is taking responsibility really so hard to understand? Are me and my Mum wrong for doing so and moving on...(cos we both did) ?

[BHsigh]

No one is getting my thoughts here.

 

My entire thought is about taking responsibility

 

Not just over relationships but about everything in a man/woman's life.

 

Lack of responsibility in a relationship can be the beginning of being aware a person lacks responsibility elsewhere and everywhere in their life.

 

As I mentioned earlier. My mum was in a violent relationship She totally accepted her part in her own responsibility for it getting to the point it did.

He threw her against a wall..right after he threw the dinner she had made him against that wall.

She admitted she could have and should have got out sooner. She had instincts she ignored. She took responsibility for enabling his behaviour.

 

I understood why my fella cheated. It doesn't mean it was OK but I understand and take responsibility for my part in it.

 

Is taking responsibility really so hard to understand? Are me and my Mum wrong for doing so and moving on...(cos we both did) ?

 

I think that there may be a semantics issue here. I'm trying to understand what you are saying, but it's just pointing towards blaming the BS in my head, so perhaps you can clear it up with an example. What part of your husband choosing to cheat was your fault, how did you cause him to choose this path rather than fixing it or leaving you?

[Quiet Storm]

I am honest and behave with integrity, no matter how other people treat me. Even if my husband was a total as5hole and did not deserve my loyalty, I would still not cheat because I am not a cheater.

 

My character doesnt change because someone else decides to be selfish.

 

Cheating isn't circumstantial or situational, IMO. It's a character issue or immaturity. Plenty of people in terrible relationships do not cheat.

[topaMAXX]

I have a guy friend who has been cheated on, and when I asked if he knew why she did it (because perhaps this could give him insight into the relationship and what he could do in the future such as avoid this type of woman or don't make certain mistakes), he said he didn't care.

 

To me this sounds like he either a) really doesn't care about relationships or b) is too insecure to talk about it. I suppose my question is, what does this mean?

 

I'm just trying to be a good friend and see that he's miserable because relationships haven't been working out for him, and after he said this I realized it's perhaps largely in part due to him. Aren't the majority of people curious as to why someone would cheat on them? Or has he just accepted that women are "like this" and doesn't care to explore further?

 

Thoughts?

 

I was cheated on once. I didn't care either. To this day, I still don't know why.

 

At the time, I was very hurt. But it led me to doubt her character. It didn't matter why she cheated. The last time I ever spoke to her was when I found out. I technically never even broke up with her. I just stopped speaking to her.

 

I don't think she ever realized how hurt I was though.

[topaMAXX]

I am honest and behave with integrity, no matter how other people treat me. Even if my husband was a total as5hole and did not deserve my loyalty, I would still not cheat because I am not a cheater.

 

My character doesnt change because someone else decides to be selfish.

 

Cheating isn't circumstantial or situational, IMO. It's a character issue or immaturity. Plenty of people in terrible relationships do not cheat.

 

I agree. This is why I universally condemn cheaters (of both genders).

 

In my opinion, if a person has cheated once in their life, regardless of the circumstances, I will forever doubt their integrity.

[ThatMan]

Ugh! I am not saying cheating is ok.

 

It's not at all.

 

But those who have been cheated on continually ..............there is a common denominator here and it's you.

 

If this happens time and again surely a person would look inwards and figure out (or try to figure out) what about them leads an SO to cheat?

I would!

You have a good point.

 

Everyone has to be willing to view themselves as the one constant in all of their relationships. From one relationship to the next you'll always be there. Those of us who repeatedly enter relationships with abuse, violence, mistreatment, drugs and codependency, or infidelity need to take a good long look into the mirror.

 

These long strings of terrible relationships happen in the first place because of who somebody is, what they're familiar with, and what they seek out. When a relationship truly is abusive their own trust is completely shattered and they may suspect that whatever transpired was deserved. The truth is that nobody deserves to be mistreated in this way. These people do benefit from looking into a mirror and asking themselves, "Why did I ever feel attracted to this loser? There are perfectly normal people out there who would never treat me this way." And guess what? They learn that everyone is deserving of respectful treatment, including themselves, as they begin dating sane human beings.

Edited April 13, 2014 by ThatMan

[bubbaganoosh]

I had a girl cheat on me 44 years ago. I was in the army. She got pregnant and told me it was mine. I married her and found out it wasn't shortly after the marriage.

 

40 years later I finally make contact with her and I had one question and that was "why". she gave me the reason. Wasn't good enough. She could have given me a litany of excuses and none would be good enough.

 

Same thing for your friend. Cheated on and the why's, and what fore's don't matter. It can't undo what's already been done.

[janedoe67]

Gamma, I believe there is no excuse for cheating. I also understand the point you are trying to make. It's pretty easy to understand actually.

 

Cheating is sort of a trump card for some people, and that is why any prior problems in a relationship are viewed as irrelevant.

[GemmaUK]

There's two posts quoted here, both I agree with, both I want to expand upon. Thanks to ThatMan and janedoe67.

 

You have a good point.

 

Everyone has to be willing to view themselves as the one constant in all of their relationships. From one relationship to the next you'll always be there. Those of us who repeatedly enter relationships with abuse, violence, mistreatment, drugs and codependency, or infidelity need to take a good long look into the mirror.

 

These long strings of terrible relationships happen in the first place because of who somebody is, what they're familiar with, and what they seek out. When a relationship truly is abusive their own trust is completely shattered and they may suspect that whatever transpired was deserved. The truth is that nobody deserves to be mistreated in this way. These people do benefit from looking into a mirror and asking themselves, "Why did I ever feel attracted to this loser? There are perfectly normal people out there who would never treat me this way." And guess what? They learn that everyone is deserving of respectful treatment, including themselves, as they begin dating sane human beings.

 

Yes, that's what I getting at. I am not trying to blame the person who was cheated on but they had input in a relationship where one sought sexual and or emotional stimulation outside of the relationship. If the cheater was totally happy in that relationship then they aren't likely to have cheated.

50% of the responsibility for a good healthy happy relationship is down to one partner and the remaining 50% is down to the other partner.

 

I do know that some rare situations life can appear perfect and one partner is just a cheater - but there are signs and signals to pick up on those kind of people just the same as there are to pick up on the abusive types of people.

Much of the time people don't take notice of their gut instincts and brush them under the rug. If we actually paid attention to them we would walk out before a relationship turned bad or not even date the person in the first place.

 

The last person I dated turned out to be emotionally abusive and he had many of the traits and signs to tell me he could later have become physically abusive too.

I ended it a year ago. Had a busy summer sorting out repairs to a flood I had at home and then by autumn I had all of these different thoughts pop up in my mind. They were all of the strange things he used to do and say. I kept remembering new things and couldn't get it out of my head so I went and did some research on behaviour traits of controlling people, which led me on to learning about clingy/needy people, jealous people, emotionally abusive and physically abusive.

Once I had begun to realise what I could have ended up in I wanted to recognise the small signs so that I would never again date someone who was a potential abuser.

 

During the time I was with him I did brush things under that rug. I actually thought he was just joking by a lot of the 'rules' and demands he attempted to put on me. He didn't do very well at putting me in the box he wanted me in. What I did do that I take responsibility for was not walking away sooner. I would have saved myself a lot of stress.

 

I can't blame all that happened upon him because I enabled some of it literally by sticking around and putting my focus on his nice side.

 

I now know the signs to look for and I know that I will jump ship much sooner if trying to talk to a guy doesn't work. I'd speak up a lot sooner though and not brush things under the rug.

 

 

Gamma, I believe there is no excuse for cheating. I also understand the point you are trying to make. It's pretty easy to understand actually.

 

Cheating is sort of a trump card for some people, and that is why any prior problems in a relationship are viewed as irrelevant.

 

I agree, for some folk who have been cheated on the cheating appears to negate any responsibility for how the relationship actually was at the time and whether it was going downhill anyway.

It's like the cheating is the only reason a relationship went wrong when actually often it isn't and there were other problems in the relationship before the cheating happened.

[GemmaUK]

I think that there may be a semantics issue here. I'm trying to understand what you are saying, but it's just pointing towards blaming the BS in my head, so perhaps you can clear it up with an example. What part of your husband choosing to cheat was your fault, how did you cause him to choose this path rather than fixing it or leaving you?

 

I'm happy to supply an example.

 

We weren't married btw but were together 14 years.

 

On day one when I met him and he flirted with me but also told me he had a gf at teh time was one signal I should have taken heed of. I didn't. That was my fault for ignoring my first instinct.

 

We didn't date at that time,it was three/four months later by which time he was actually single but he hadn't been for very long (less than a week actually). Another sign that I ignored.

 

For the most part we were very happy together but my Dad became very ill and was in intensive care for several months. He was then in and out of hospital for the rest of his life and during that time on and off needed a lot of care. Myself and my brother shared that responsibility.

The times that my ex cheated were when I was spending much more of my time and energy on my Dad so I couldn't give much to the relationship so my guy felt pretty left out and abandoned.

He never cheated to any serious degree. It was a couple of incidents of silly things really and just for attention from someone when he wasn't getting it from me.

 

But, you see, I do and did understand that. I could have made more effort to involve him and I could have put more in to 'us'.

 

Basically it was silly mistakes on both our parts.

 

Had the incidents been anything more than one off events and had it been actual cheating as in with the same person, sexually and emotionally over a period of time then I would have left. It wasn't like that though.

 

People all make mistakes. We both did.

 

One thing I do think is that this is just one of the things he does if he is feeling that he isn't getting enough attention.

He is now married with a little one. He went and had a silly one off incident with someone when his wife was pregnant.

I have no idea if he has done anything since.

But from my opening sentences it's clearly a part of his behaviour as he has done the same thing to his previous gf, me and his wife.

So it goes back to .....I should have kept away from the moment I met him if I am really being honest with myself.

 

As for the OP's friend, he will I have no doubt) have seen signs that shoudl have made him stay away from the cheaters he keeps dating.

If a person does that consistently then some of the responsibility has to lay upon their shoulders.

 

They say you learn from your mistakes but some people really don't because they don't look at themselves and go from one relationship to another with rose tinted glasses that are so heavily tinted that they can't see what is right in front of them yet again.

[topaMAXX]

I had a girl cheat on me 44 years ago. I was in the army. She got pregnant and told me it was mine. I married her and found out it wasn't shortly after the marriage.

 

40 years later I finally make contact with her and I had one question and that was "why". she gave me the reason. Wasn't good enough. She could have given me a litany of excuses and none would be good enough.

 

Same thing for your friend. Cheated on and the why's, and what fore's don't matter. It can't undo what's already been done.

 

Despite what many seem to think on this thread, when a person cheats, it is the fault of the CHEATER, not the one being cheated on.

 

We don't blame the rape or murder victim do we? So why would we blame the victim here?

[dichotomy]

Could be many reasons why.

 

Maybe he was not really emotionally invested in this (or these women). Or he got what he wanted and moved on.

 

Perhaps he cheats.

 

Or maybe if he was cheated on before, perhaps more than once, and was hurt, but then he has become dulled to it over time.

 

Or simply he is very strong self focused person - who takes lifes hits and moves on.

[janedoe67]

Despite what many seem to think on this thread, when a person cheats, it is the fault of the CHEATER, not the one being cheated on.

 

We don't blame the rape or murder victim do we? So why would we blame the victim here?

 

Absolutely. No one ever holds a gun to the cheater's head. The choice to cheat is a CHOICE, and only one person makes that choice - the person who cheats.

 

 

 

The person who has been made well aware of their spouse's needs, who has been talked to, talked with, begged, who has refused counseling, chosen not to BE a spouse, neglected, belittled, and been continually selfish ALSO makes a choice. NONE of that justifies cheating - ever.

 

Cheating also doesn't "cancel out" that lazy, neglectful, hurtful, distant, spouse's damage to the marriage either.

 

I think that was part of the original point. The only thing that "causes" cheating is the WS's choice to cheat. Period.

 

And the person who mistreats, neglects, refuses to touch, ignores, and knowingly is not a spouse to their spouse is responsible for THAT.

 

Period.

[BHsigh]

I'm happy to supply an example.

 

We weren't married btw but were together 14 years.

 

On day one when I met him and he flirted with me but also told me he had a gf at teh time was one signal I should have taken heed of. I didn't. That was my fault for ignoring my first instinct.

 

We didn't date at that time,it was three/four months later by which time he was actually single but he hadn't been for very long (less than a week actually). Another sign that I ignored.

 

For the most part we were very happy together but my Dad became very ill and was in intensive care for several months. He was then in and out of hospital for the rest of his life and during that time on and off needed a lot of care. Myself and my brother shared that responsibility.

The times that my ex cheated were when I was spending much more of my time and energy on my Dad so I couldn't give much to the relationship so my guy felt pretty left out and abandoned.

He never cheated to any serious degree. It was a couple of incidents of silly things really and just for attention from someone when he wasn't getting it from me.

 

But, you see, I do and did understand that. I could have made more effort to involve him and I could have put more in to 'us'.

 

Basically it was silly mistakes on both our parts.

 

Had the incidents been anything more than one off events and had it been actual cheating as in with the same person, sexually and emotionally over a period of time then I would have left. It wasn't like that though.

 

People all make mistakes. We both did.

 

One thing I do think is that this is just one of the things he does if he is feeling that he isn't getting enough attention.

He is now married with a little one. He went and had a silly one off incident with someone when his wife was pregnant.

I have no idea if he has done anything since.

But from my opening sentences it's clearly a part of his behaviour as he has done the same thing to his previous gf, me and his wife.

So it goes back to .....I should have kept away from the moment I met him if I am really being honest with myself.

 

As for the OP's friend, he will I have no doubt) have seen signs that shoudl have made him stay away from the cheaters he keeps dating.

If a person does that consistently then some of the responsibility has to lay upon their shoulders.

 

They say you learn from your mistakes but some people really don't because they don't look at themselves and go from one relationship to another with rose tinted glasses that are so heavily tinted that they can't see what is right in front of them yet again.

 

Ah, ok, I get what you're saying then. Basically, some people ignore red flags that they really shouldn't ignore. Makes complete sense, not that the BS is at fault, just that sometimes they don't take enough care when there are somewhat obvious signs.

 

I apologize for the confusion., and thanks for the example, it helped.