argyle Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Hey Everyone! First of all I wanna thank everyone who responds to these threads. It helps me so much to relieve stress and deal with these bad times by writing on this website. Now the situation: My S/O and I have been together for about 1 1/2 yrs. We love each other very much, but we've had our ruff times like everyone else. More so lately though. The first issue I have with her is trust. She doesn't trust me at all. She suspects that I like other girls all the time. She even tried to trick me by pretending she was another girl and asking me If I was interested in another girl. She works with tons of guys all the time, and I give her absolute trust. She goes to the bars all the time with just the girls without me there and drinks and I totally trust her no questions asked. However If I even say hello to a girl, she immediately asks who is that, and gets all defensive. And if I have any conversation with a girl, like purely platonic and innocent, she will ask me "I think you like her". I've never given her any reason why not to trust me either. The second issue I have is attention and affection. She craves attention from me. And ofcourse because I love her, I give it to her unconditionally all the time. However she never gives it to me. It's always me kissing her or hugging her or cuddling her or giving her back massages. I mean she does do it sometimes, but in comparison to me its not even at all. Even with sex its pretty much one sided. I would really like her to come up to me and just hug me and kiss me be a little aggressive. But it never happens. She's at work all day long, comes home, goes to the gym to work out with her friends, comes home and is too tired for anything else. She passes out and thats it. No time for me at all. I can't ever recall a time her saying " You want a back massage" or anything like that. The third issue I have is that whenever we have a fight, like even a small one... she immediately brings up the break up solution instead of thinking about it rationally and trying to solve the problem another way. What does that mean? Why does she say that? The next issue is her behaviour some times. She's a very hard worker however she takes on way more than she can chew. And so she get's stressed, irritable and irrational. Which leads her to basically take it out on me...when I did nothing wrong. Swearing, hitting, tantrums, slamming doors, throwing things...She tries to be this marter all the time trying to save the day for everyone, and she can't. Like the smallest thing, like losing a cd, and she snaps and gets so negative and sad and grumpy. The other day she forgot what my profession is!!! - To me that equals her not respecting me. And probably the biggest thing of all.. she claims that i'm #1 on her list when im not. Her family, friends and work seem to be above me all the time. It was my birthday a month ago, and she was sick and busy with work which I understand. But on the day of my bday, she didn't have anything planned for me, no gift, no card, nothing. She told me this all ahead of time which I said I understand. But really I don't. I mean she went to work and everything else, and she couldnt even get me a card or even send me an E-Card at work. They are free and they takes two seconds. The next day she took me out shopping, which really didn't suffice. I would have rather gotten a nice E-Card telling me how much she loves me and how much I mean to her than some gift that I picked out. Here's something small she made a phone list of her most frequently dialed numbers. It went, her family, her relatives, her friends, me and finally her boss. Now I know that's a small thing but it means something right? And as well she never wants to come out with me and my family. She says she feels inadequate and uncomfortable around them which is BS because my family is so nice. I have to get her to come out almost forcefully. Like my parents 30th anniversary party a huge event, the kind where GF that plan on having a future with their BF would be there no questions asked. She wasn't there. And my brother asked her to make sure she was coming... and well when it got close to the date, she never said im coming or any indication that she was gonna be by my side. She says she loves me all the time. Which im starting not to beileive anymore because there's just too much doubt for me. From what I conclude from all of this and my experience is that she is selfish and self-centered and maybe a bit spoiled and insecure as well. People have told me that I should just back off then, stay together but just draw away and give her the feeling that I may not be around anymore and get her to realize what a good thing she has. And get some sense into her? Any thoughts on what she is thinking? Or if her feelings are true? Or what I should do??? Thanks you guys for reading very much!!!
very-confused-girl Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 You know I do believe that every coin has two sides. I mean I can see that you are the unselfish one in the relationship but you have to understand, that she might have some issues which makes her to be this way. She is probably the sort of girl who would look unhappy 70 percent of time, would hold you responsible for her happinness, unbeleivably jealous. You the fact is that my current boyfriend had a girlfriend who was exactly like yours. They have been together for 8 years, in the end he was finding more and more difficult to be with her and he left her. Even that I am glad he left her otherwise we wouldnt have been together , I was stil trying to work out whether him leaving her was exactly fair. He claims that life is meant to be enjoyed and he put up with it for a long time, but the relationship turned out to be more work rather than fun, but.... i am not saying you should be her saviour and if she holds you obviously responsible for her happiness, that you should take the guilt on you. Not at all, but try to remember that everything is related to something else. Maybe she had some problems with her family when she was growing up as a kid, maybe somebody hurt her very much. Maybe in her family - her father is the submissive one, under the mother´s thumb, therefore maybe she treats you like this now. Whatever the issue is, try to work out, whether the situation is THAT BAD, that if there was a solution, you wouldnt go for it. Really, try to guess whether theres still a chance on you both working on the relationship and save it. Whether she is worth it. First of all try to spend a bit of time on analyzing why she is that way. Try to read between lines, see into things more, I mean you are not a psychologist, but trust me that even with the helf of "common sense" you can still work out answers to some questions. And then sit down with her and try to talk to her, tell her what bothers you, be calm, not offensive, try even to tell her that you might know why she is this way and that you WANT to help her and help the relationship to work. That you would like to work out some ideas what could improve the situation. Dont be offensive, but be tought, mention to her that you are loosing patience and you should definitely do something about that. In this case some kind of one-week lasting vacation is not going to be the solution. Unfortunately you are on this track for so long and you must get into the core of the problems. Some meditation, counselling, taking break from work and spending 1 month somewhere camping in a beautiful nature, anything you can come up with, could be the solution. If she does not see any problems in the relationship and turns out to be very against and negative about your efforts to save the relationship, she is not the girl for you. If she is happy with the idea and willing to work on it, then you should go for it
Devildog Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 From what I conclude from all of this and my experience is that she is selfish and self-centered and maybe a bit spoiled and insecure as well. All the people in the world and they cloned my STBXW? You left out immature. I can assure you, this is not a healthy relationship. I would also be willing to bet your friends all think she is a b!tch and that you would be better off without her. Guys just don't tell their friends that though. After 1 1/2 years she is already treating you like this, it will get worse. Get out now. She might tell you she will change, but after a few weeks or so it will be back to this again. Run while you can.
argyle Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 Hey Guys, Thanks for your replys. I have tried talking to her about these issues. And i've been calm not confrontational or mean tone or anything. And when I bring these things up she gets defensive and responds with "well maybe you should just break up with me then if im making you sad, angry,etc" She never just listens to my concerns she immediately gets defensive and tries to turn things around. And she does these guilt trips all the time to try and turn it around on me and make me feel bad, which in turn makes me feel like im wrong at the time but really i'm not. I love her very much so i'm gonna keep trying. And by the way she's happy in front of everyone else all the time. It's only me who sees her true colors and she really feels. And she has the best relationship with her family that I have ever seen. So? Any Ideas now?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 She sounds like an emotional vampire to me - either that, or someone hellbent on coercing you into being the 'dumper' by making the relationship with her as unpleasant as possible. Some people are very passive when it comes to breaking up. They will do everything in their power to make you want to break up with them, because they lack the balls to do the breaking up themselves. You'll need to figure out what her deal is. If she has a problem with intimacy or trust - then that can be fixed if she takes the initiative to get counseling. If she is the type to just quietly pull the plug without telling you and letting your relationship coast down to death, then there is nothing you can do really to stop that. You'll have to be point blank about how you feel and not give her any opportunity for emotional games or wordplay. Otherwise, you'll just be stuck in this unhappy inertia. Of course, there is always plan B: just tell her that this isn't what you want from a relationship and leave.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 This girl is emotionally sucking you dry!!! First of all, it breaks my heart when I hear stories like this- it really does. I have been on your end of a relationship and I know how it feels. The last three years of my marriage were like this. She didn't send you a card on your birthday???? She wouldn't attend your parents 30th anniversary party and you guys have been together 1 1/2 years?? There is no way I wouldn't send my b/f a birthday card OR attend his parents anniversary party. That is part of being in someone's life- supporting them. She forgot your occupation??? WTF??? I cannot fathom doing this because a person's work is so important to them usually. A relationship is about mutual support and give and take. I myself require alot of affection and attention in a relationship so I have to be with someone who will give me that. That being said, I always take the time to rub my b/f's back or feet or scratch his hair (which he loves) usually without being asked or asking him if he'd like it. The first reason is because I cannot keep my hands off of him the second reason is because he loves it so much. With his ex wife he would have to ask her to do something for him and then she would go "Well okay, for five minutes" It's a two way street hon, or it doesn't work. You need to get rid of this girl and get you a girl that truly loves you and appreciates you. I think your g/f might have a borderline personality disorder and trust me, you don't need that. Run while you can!
JoL Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 Wow..she kinda sounds like the female vesin of my ex-boyfriend. Manipulative, cruel, childish, overly-jealous and selfish. Your girlfriend sounds quite emotionally abusive to me. She seems to be focussing on herself and her needs and what SHE is comfortable with or what SHE can do for you or what SHE feels. How many times has she stopped to ask if you want to do something, how you feel, what your opinion is? Being overly-jealous is another BIG WARNING SIGN that this girl is quite unstable...nobody wants to be with someone who is obsessive about their partners fidelity. If you have given no reason to doubt your loyalty- then she needs to take a step back and see whats shes doing as WRONG. You need to analyse WHY you are still with this girl. She is sucking you dry and you are obviously quite upset about it..why havent you discussed this with her?
Devildog Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by JoL You need to analyse WHY you are still with this girl. She is sucking you dry and you are obviously quite upset about it..why havent you discussed this with her? I can probably answer that question. It won't do any good. She will tell him he doesn't know what he is talking about, she will point out any little thing he has ever done wrong to justify her actions, she will make him feel like it is his fault that she acts the way she does. I swear, this sounds exactly like my STBXW. It won't change unless she seeks professional help. Things will only get worse and your self-esteem will continue to plummet, you will become alienated from your friends and family. And when she decides to leave you because after she forced you to change, you are not the man she fell in love with, you have nothing left. You get to crawl back to your friends and family and hope that they forgive you (they will). You will have to rebuild your entire social cricle to be able to meet someone new. Get out now, the sooner you do this the easier it will be to rebuild your life.
argyle Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Thanks everyone for your replies! Here's an update... The last few days we've barely seen each other. Nothing has been said really about the issues at hand. Last night I ran into her at our favorite coffee bar that we usually go to. I went to her place after, she was exhausted because she had a long day at work and at the gym...We talked for a bit, small talk and I proceeded to leave, and she did this little face that means "I want you to kiss me", so I got closer to her and asked her to kiss me, and after a few seconds she did. We kissed for a bit then I left, and I said call me later after you get your office work done. A few hours later... no call, so finally around midnight I called just to see what was going on... and she sounded like she was sleeping when she answered the phone... I was like do you want me to come over (we dont live far apart, like 5 minute car ride), and she said "Doesnt matter its up to you" And I was like well it's your house, do you wanna get up and unlock the door. She replied with "Not really" So I was like okay fine, have a good night... and she asked if I was mad at her and I was like nope not at all. Have a good night...the conversation ended with I love you's from both me and her. My question is: 1) Don't you think she could have called me before crawling into bed and said goodnight im tired or anything like that. Like just to say that she wasnt going to come over tonight. 2) WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Does she love me or not? Is she trying to get rid of me? Is she trying to get me to break up with her? Any responses would be greatly appreciated!
JoL Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 You poor guy. She sounds so incredibly selfish and well, lacklustre, im sorry to say. She could have rung you, yes! She could have said "im sorry sweety, i fell asleep, im so tired! since we didnt get to chat tonight do you want to come over and stay the night?" or "sorry hun i fell asleep! im so tired, i wouldnt be much fun tonight, but id love to see you *insert date here*." It sounds to me like this girl is well ..."just not that into you". It has been applied to girls but i know it can happen to guys. A girlfriend who loves you will want to spend time with you, will want to do little things to make you happy, will want to talk to you, will want to make you happy. ..this girl isn't doing ANY of these! It sounds like she just isnt that excited to see you or be with you. She doesnt make the effort to spend time with you or your family or doing things for you..even a kiss seems to be an effort for her. I also think she has an emotionally abusive personality..the jealous tantrums etc etc. You sound like a really sweet guy, and for that reason im going to say this- you can do better. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering if someone loves you, cares about you, wants to see you?? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who warms you from the inside out, because you can tell they love you and you have no doubt that they are devoted to you 100%?
argyle Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Thank you guys all for your replys! I really appreciate everyones support in these ruff times. It's over now...she broke it off. And well im not happy but im not sad either. Whatever will be will be I guess... Only time will tell Thanks so much everyone!!!
JoL Posted February 4, 2005 Posted February 4, 2005 Sorry to hear it It sounds like she had been wanting to for a while perhaps. Oh well, at least now you know where you stand!
Devildog Posted February 4, 2005 Posted February 4, 2005 Originally posted by argyle Thank you guys all for your replys! I really appreciate everyones support in these ruff times. It's over now...she broke it off. And well im not happy but im not sad either. Whatever will be will be I guess... Only time will tell Thanks so much everyone!!! Congratulations. You have your life back. I know it is hard for you to believe right now, but in a few weeks you will feel so much better, so relieved, you will wonder what you were doing with her for so long. Time will show you that this is a good thing.
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