KaliLove Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 No words of wisdom here. Just want to say I'm glad you did the right thing, and good luck. 1
harrybrown Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 You did the right thing. I hope your counselor will help you. It may also help you to go NC with the OM. It may also help you to get a new job. I hope that is a possilbility. Again, you did the right thing with telling your H. He is on a horrible roller coaster. Do ask him if there is anything that you can do to help him with his pain. He is hurting and feels like he is not much of a man, for you to cheat on him. His self-esteem has taken quite a hit. Do decide what you want to do. If you want the divorce, tell him. If you want to reconcile, tell him. He may not be ready, but you can still have some impact in the situation. 2
thummper Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Its with shame that i admit i had a workplace affair which has just ended abruptly ( not by me, i did not have the strength to end it although i was very unhappy about it). I cant believe i ended up sleeping with this guy. He is much older than me, not attractive in any way, mysogynistic, stingy and a huge bore and complainer. He hated texting me and everything was on his terms, he was incredibly controlling and played mind games. But in the workplace he made me feel like a queen. He was constantly complimenting me and telling me how stunning and gorgeous i was and always paying me attention. He was the head of department and i suppose it was a huge ego trip for me to be chased by such an "important" person in the workplace. Well our meetings became more infrequent i began to feel used and told him so in a text ( he hated me texting him). He ended it immediately. In my mind i know it was the best thing to happen but i am crushed completely. I cant eat or sleep. I feel so used. I still love my spouse and this whole thing was never meant to happen. I wish i could just rewind back my life and not do it but i cant. My spouse actually found out a couple of months ago and forgave me. He didnt know i was still seeing the OM until today. I just didnt feel able to end it. Now things are horrendous and i still have to work with this guy. I know im so lucky my husband forgave me and i intend to never ever do this again. I just need to know how to continue working alongside this man without wanting to run into the ladies crying every 5 minutes. Unless he owns the company you work for, you can report his behavior to higher ups for sexual harassment. There's absolutely NO reason why you should have to put up with his sexually harassing behavior. This guy could easily find himself out of a job if you chose to press this to higher management. Good luck to you.
A.Moscote Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Be strong Kittie, don't let the sadness crushed you and take time slowly to vent off this initial turmoil. There is always a positive aspect for every situation. As you said, it does lift the burden of hiding the truth and you won't be trap by guilt anymore. Now you need to be a bit patience and polite in dealing with your H. Give him, and yourself as well, some time and space. I'm sure one day he will tell you that he would always prefer to know the truth even though it hurts very much. Be firm in whatever your decision is and don't let him bully you with guilt and pity. Consider this time and situation as a new slate of your life phase. It may not be a beautiful slate, but at least it is a clean slate. Hopefully every step you take after this is weighted with conscience and righteousness. Take care and be careful. You will get through this well.
thummper Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Well this may be sheer madness posting again but here goes. Husband now knows everything and while it was agony all over again im glad its over. I feel like a veil has been lifted. I cannot believe i allowed myself to do what i did. He did not speak to me for a week and told me he wanted a divorce. My world fell apart but i know i deserved it. I think he still loves me and i know i still love him but i have so much work to do. What frightens me is that this will be on my conscience for the rest of my life and i can never undo it. AP has revealed himself to be the most reptilian being that ever crawled out from under a rock. I told him about the fallout and his face turned grey in horror. Out of fear for his own skin. He is utterly disgusting. Its so hard to try and be normal and pleasant around him but i am determined not to allow him to see me beaten and broken by this. I am also seeing a counsellor arranged by my employer as i broke down in work the morning of dday part 2. God, little one, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this! I feel equally terrible about the pain your husband must be experiencing. Try suggesting that, before you just chuck it all in, counseling might be a good option. If you still love this man of yours, and you seem to think he still loves you regardless of what happened, you both owe it to yourselves to see if there isn't some way to work through this. Is living without each other better than trying to work this out? And I definitely meant what I said in my last post. Expose that louse at work to his superiors and threaten a harassment suit. That ought to give that sorry excuse for a man some richly-deserved nightmares!!!
odinseye Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Its with shame that i admit i had a workplace affair which has just ended abruptly ( not by me, i did not have the strength to end it although i was very unhappy about it). I cant believe i ended up sleeping with this guy. He is much older than me, not attractive in any way, mysogynistic, stingy and a huge bore and complainer. He hated texting me and everything was on his terms, he was incredibly controlling and played mind games. But in the workplace he made me feel like a queen. He was constantly complimenting me and telling me how stunning and gorgeous i was and always paying me attention. He was the head of department and i suppose it was a huge ego trip for me to be chased by such an "important" person in the workplace. Well our meetings became more infrequent i began to feel used and told him so in a text ( he hated me texting him). He ended it immediately. In my mind i know it was the best thing to happen but i am crushed completely. I cant eat or sleep. I feel so used. I still love my spouse and this whole thing was never meant to happen. I wish i could just rewind back my life and not do it but i cant. My spouse actually found out a couple of months ago and forgave me. He didnt know i was still seeing the OM until today. I just didnt feel able to end it. Now things are horrendous and i still have to work with this guy. I know im so lucky my husband forgave me and i intend to never ever do this again. I just need to know how to continue working alongside this man without wanting to run into the ladies crying every 5 minutes. What you intend and what will happen are two different things, You think right now you will never do anything like this again, but search your self, think about what you were thinking when the affair developed? What will happen if the same conditions happen again? your are lucky to have a husband who has forgiven you, but what happens the next time, will you get to your knees and beg to be forgiven one more time? Or when you search your soul you will realize you have now tasted forbidden fruit and can't stop! I can tell you your husband might forgive you until it happens again, then he will despise you, he might stay with you but every word, and gesture, will hurt you, it will be intended, then he will look at what you have done and think what is good for the goose is good for the gander, you had better hope that one of the men you were involved with that your husband knows about doesn't have a family of his own. He will plot the downfall of that man, through his family. He will plot the ruination of anyone that helped you hide the affair from him, you wont know what is happening until a process server walks up and hands you divorce papers. You might have the best of intentions for yourself now but you need to take a self inventory, be honest with yourself. If you can show the willpower to never do this again it might work out, If you can't say you know what will happen tomorrow with your emotions you should sit down with your husband and ask to get out in a friendly way. Then you should belt your courage up because you will watch as he walks out your front door without a backwards look, The man you married for love will never be a part of your life again. If you have children this is still a good idea because all they will see is the two of you tearing at each other.
Raven3321 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Kitty, I know you are hurting. So is your husband. That said, I think he will get over this in due time. He doesn't trust you now....even more so because of the stuff after DDay. However, since that's it, there's nothing else to tell. True healing can now begin. Although you may lose a lot, you gain back yourself. and your dignity. Sure, I get it. You feel awful and the things you've done will be there for the rest of your life. But we all have things we're ashamed of......every one of us. This too shall pass. Forgive yourself Offer your husband a polygraph to assure him there is no more. Concentrate on being the wife you should be. Be very apologetic for abusing his trust and deceiving him. Honestly, and with all due respect, it is EXTREMELY disrespectful for you to still be at that job. I would have quit immediately after DDay. However, with him knowing the truth now, you really need to quit like yesterday. You need to do it immediately and without being asked. That will begin to show your husband you're commitment. If you don't, it's a countdown to divorce. Is your marriage worth it?............now is the time to prove it. Your husband is watching. 1
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 To those who keep harping on about the necessity of me leaving my job- save your energy. Its not going to happen. Jobs are scarce round here and to be quite honest if i quit my job and didnt find one right away ( which is very likely) my husband WOULD leave me. My job is my one piece of independance financially and socially. There are plenty of other people in work to interact with apart from the AP. he can be easily ignored and avoided. So please, STOP posting about how i must leave my job. It really is a waste of your energy as it isnt practical or possible and it just isnt going to happen. 1
Friskyone4u Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Good decision not to leave your job and also ruin your financial security. In today's economy that could be as devastating in a different way. You could wind up divorced and homeless. The burden on a avoiding this guy falls on you. You still have the option of threatening an HR action if he pursues you again. That would have stopped it before if you had really wanted that. 1
Cpt Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Kittie can I ask you a question? If your BH specifically requested you to quit your job for a proper R to take place... would you do it? ... and don't give me the "well he wouldn't ask me to do that in the first place" type of response. Its a hypothetical question.
BetrayedH Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 To those who keep harping on about the necessity of me leaving my job- save your energy. Its not going to happen. Jobs are scarce round here and to be quite honest if i quit my job and didnt find one right away ( which is very likely) my husband WOULD leave me. My job is my one piece of independance financially and socially. There are plenty of other people in work to interact with apart from the AP. he can be easily ignored and avoided. So please, STOP posting about how i must leave my job. It really is a waste of your energy as it isnt practical or possible and it just isnt going to happen. My wife's affair was also a workplace affair (with her boss). She refused to leave the workplace. It's a huge company and so I gave her 90 days for one of them to transfer. It was my attempt to respect the near 20 years she had spent with the company and the 'practical' side of things considering that we had children to support. I can tell you in the meantime, that I lost my fool mind at my own job everyday with visions of him bending over his desk or them taking off for a mid-day romp. After about 45 days, it broke me. I thought about it all day, thought about it when I went to bed (my God, did I lose a lot of sleep), had nightmares, thought about it immediately when I woke up and it repeated all day every day for months. I also lost 25 pounds in the first month, eventually losing 38 pounds altogether. It was gawd-awful. I eventually lost my job as their patience ran short with me after a year and a half of distraction. Saying that you can easily avoid your AP seems disingenuous. That struggle is really why you started this thread. And you kept up your workplace affair after your first Dday so selling this to your husband would probably result in a similar situation as what I went thru. I don't know if you're considering reconciling with your H but I suspect that you are since you haven't answered the question (and that's fine as I think you need to be sure with your decision). If you do decide to try to make your marriage work, I think it would be wise (if not absolutely necessary) for you to at least say you're looking for another job and then do so in earnest. Speaking from experience, it would speak volumes to your husband and failing to do so would send the opposite message, that you prioritize your job/money/career more than your marriage - and that may be the final nail in the coffin. You have my word that I won't continue to harp on this subject. But I really hope that you think long and hard about this. I tried my best to be gracious with my wife and I lost my mind. That wasn't practical either.
MidwestUSA Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 To those who keep harping on about the necessity of me leaving my job- save your energy. Its not going to happen. Jobs are scarce round here and to be quite honest if i quit my job and didnt find one right away ( which is very likely) my husband WOULD leave me. My job is my one piece of independance financially and socially. There are plenty of other people in work to interact with apart from the AP. he can be easily ignored and avoided. Your husband would leave you over losing your job, but has stayed with you through infidelity? Just doesn't make sense. I mean, there's better or worse, and then there's worse.
gettingstronger Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Not saying leave your job now-but it might be good to keep that as an option in your mind rather than a "no way"- put some feelers out there, maybe update your professional network or join one if you have not-keep it an option and see what happens-you never know what may be out there if you open up to the possibility- BUT I think you have bigger fish to fry right now- healing for yourself and your husband and that all so important no contact with the ex-AP All I am saying is don't take the IDEA of a new job off the table-don't focus on it, but don't discount it either- Best of luck to you-
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Your husband would leave you over losing your job, but has stayed with you through infidelity? Just doesn't make sense. I mean, there's better or worse, and then there's worse. I was unemployed for three years before this job. In any rows we had i was labelled a scumbag and a scrounger and he threatened many many times to leave me.
Clay Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I don't see a reason to leave your job if you are getting a divorce. No real reason to not see the AP at that point either. I think I would just push for the divorce. The best way you can be at this point is be decent to your husband and offer him a good settlement in the divorce. If you try to save your marriage and stay working at that place your only asking for a bigger headache. Clay 1
fellini Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 My WS is NOT going to leave her job. It is just not going to happen. And although Im not entirely comfortable with that, I have learned to accept it. She does NOT want to be with her AP again, ever. We have alerted very close colleagues about her A, and she has explained to these colleagues that she wants NOTHING to do with him EVER. So they will assist in ensuring that nothing happens (going for coffee's, asking him up to their floor to speak with them, etc.) And the bonus for me, is that every day she goes to work and does NOT find herself passing by his office, or going to an area of the university where he will be, etc., is proof to me that the A is so far behind her that it helps me to build trust back. And I have, after a year, told her I don't want her to run the other way if for some reason she sees him in a hallway - but rather to learn to walk right by him without hesitation. Running from him only shows that the weakness is still there, walking by him, and feeling nothing, that is the test I need her to pass. To those who keep harping on about the necessity of me leaving my job- save your energy. Its not going to happen. Jobs are scarce round here and to be quite honest if i quit my job and didnt find one right away ( which is very likely) my husband WOULD leave me. My job is my one piece of independance financially and socially. There are plenty of other people in work to interact with apart from the AP. he can be easily ignored and avoided. So please, STOP posting about how i must leave my job. It really is a waste of your energy as it isnt practical or possible and it just isnt going to happen. 1
BHsigh Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 To those who keep harping on about the necessity of me leaving my job- save your energy. Its not going to happen. Jobs are scarce round here and to be quite honest if i quit my job and didnt find one right away ( which is very likely) my husband WOULD leave me. My job is my one piece of independance financially and socially. There are plenty of other people in work to interact with apart from the AP. he can be easily ignored and avoided. So please, STOP posting about how i must leave my job. It really is a waste of your energy as it isnt practical or possible and it just isnt going to happen. Hi kittie, I'm not going to be one of the people to push you to quit your job, I think that it's far to soon for any talk of that, your husband may opt for separation or divorce at any time, there's no reason for you to be jobless if that possibly happens. Everyone is different, some BS's don't mind if you work with OM, some do. We here have no idea where your husband falls between the two. But some posters do have a point, and I think that Cpt said it best, you should think hypothetically about how you will face that situation should it ever arrive, and how you will answer. I know that anne for example is a fWS that works with her exAP, and they are making it work just fine, and I know that personally (to me) I would insist that my wife quit her job if OM worked with her, I would rather be homeless than have to deal with the thoughts. No amount of her telling me that she's over him, doesn't talk to him, nothing would make me feel better about that situation. It really comes down to you and your husband, just keep it in mind that it may be brought up, and he may expect you to find a new job. 1
KaliLove Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I was unemployed for three years before this job. In any rows we had i was labelled a scumbag and a scrounger and he threatened many many times to leave me. I won't push you to leave your job..but I will say you should leave your husband. He still sound like a total @ss to me and I don't get why you're sticking around. 1
Cpt Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Exactly what BetrayedH said OP, is what your BH is going to go through. I was going to like your insightful post, BetrayedH but I was afraid you would take that the wrong way (i.e liking your pain) lol. You still haven't answered my question... I hope i'm not on the ignore list too.
fellini Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Everyone is different, some BS's don't mind if you work with OM, some do. We here have no idea where your husband falls between the two. But some posters do have a point, and I think that Cpt said it best, you should think hypothetically about how you will face that situation should it ever arrive, and how you will answer. I know that anne for example is a fWS that works with her exAP, and they are making it work just fine, and I know that personally (to me) I would insist that my wife quit her job if OM worked with her, I would rather be homeless than have to deal with the thoughts. No amount of her telling me that she's over him, doesn't talk to him, nothing would make me feel better about that situation. Good points. My wife is a tenured professor in a european university system in which tenure = chained to that university. So leaving is not an option unless we want to be on the street as a family. I suppose if I thought that the threat of the OM was so great, I might be like you, and prefer to be homeless. But then I say to myself, if the threat of the OM is still there, and I cannot have my wife working there, then that is because the real threat is my WS, not the OM. And if that's the case, better we separate. I cannot, and will not, live the rest of my WS's career wondering if she is going to get back together with her BF. I have done my time surveillance, keeping in contact in skype, having her detail her day to me, etc. etc. (And I now have my spies keeping an eye out on HIM) But Im going to feel better knowing she CAN work in that building and yet not have to participate in the kinds of social encounters she previously used to be near him and develop their EA. But not everybody has a WS working in a fairly safe environment within which an AP is hovering.
BetrayedH Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Exactly what BetrayedH said OP, is what your BH is going to go through. I was going to like your insightful post, BetrayedH but I was afraid you would take that the wrong way (i.e liking your pain) lol. No worries. I kind of assumed people wouldn't 'like' the post for just that reason. Fortunately, I'm far enough removed from it now such that it doesn't pain me to talk about it anymore. But yeah, back in those days, her continuing to work with her AP did major damage to me personally, not to mention our reconciliation (which, by no coincidence, failed).
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