Feel like my world has been torn apart

[SoulStorm]

I am afraid you are slipping back into the wayward mindset.

 

She's already there. She slipped when she broke NC. She is a wayward at this point.

[Cpt]

Violet and OP I can see where you're coming from about keeping your post dday transgressions, but thats just like a car dealership saying "we won't tell the customer the car they bought has no brakes, because they really love that car and it would make them depressed if we told them that"... You're selling a false product here, you're lying to your spouse. Its not about who's guilt or depressive funks... its about HONESTY and TRUST! The things required for a successful marriage. Take a guess what kind of marriage you'll have if the LIES and DECEIT continue. Its a no brainer. I hope you both make the right choices for the sakes of your marriages.

[Artie Lang]

^it's called FRAUD.

 

the car, nor the relationships in question are what they appear to be.

[Spark1111]

gloriously, passionately, successfully reconciled after my fWH's almost two year affair and it could not have happened unless all the truth was on the table....and I had to fight and scratch for every piece of it.....

 

Almost divorced him over trickle-truthing two year into R....

 

I could not HELP to fix what I did not know was broken....and I now know it all...including their sex...where, when and how....

 

You can have a so-so marriage, a good enough marriage, but you will NEVER have the relationship you had with with your AP until you figure out what need they met of your's and SHARE that with your spouse. How do you feel most loved? Tell them. How do THEY feel most loved? Ask them!

 

or keep your secrets, deprive yourself of true intimacy, deprive them of having a truly invested, loving, intimate spouse....and go back to your safe, good enough marriage with all the same weak boundaries and insecurities that allow a stranger to usurp their role and possibly entice them into romance and sex outside of your safe but just good enough relationship....

 

You think passionate, romantic intimacy in a long term, monogamous relationship is easy? this s$/t is hard work!

 

And it takes courage! not condescension....or assuming you can protect them, or cowardice.

 

but if good enough is good enough for you....carry on and accept mediocrity and potentially future affairs by either you or your FBS...

[DKT3]

Holding the secret is like building a beautiful house over a landmine. You can never put 100% into building what you know will come down with one false step. One stumble, one trip and boom. All the work, all the effort was for nothing.

 

Or

 

You stump around find all the landmines blow them up then build a house that can stand for years and years without fear of what its built on.

[bigman1]

I understand your reasons and they make perfect sense. Of course, your marriages are doomed. As long as you keep these secrets, your affairs continue. It's no different than denying the affair while it was on going. You got away with it. Actually, you got intimacy, sex, orgasms, romance, and everything you used to have with your AP's. You keep it from your spouse like you did before.

 

You will cheat again. You will keep it from your spouses and then off to the races. The whole, "it will never happen again" is just a lie. Maybe it makes you feel better about yourself, but face it, the pain that you caused your spouses was not enough to stop you from cheating again. You use the pain as a reason to avoid telling your spouse. I'm curious, why did you lie to your spouses during the initial affairs? Probably to spare them pain. If you keep these secrets you are going to cheat again, and again. Don't tell me that you won't. You are already established and admitted liars on this issue.

 

It is unfortunate that both of you are choosing this path. it is unfair. It is cruel. It is evil. You don't want your spouses to hurt you, but you will gladly push them aside while you bang your AP's. I have no doubt that you will be found out and then hopefully your betrayed spouses will divorce you because you don't respect them. If you confess, there might be hope, and you would be worthy. When you realize that, as the divorce becomes finalized, remember you could have prevented it by being honest.

 

ETA: I understand that one merely continued the affair after Dday and now it supposedly over, but that is a distinction without a difference.

Edited April 16, 2014 by bigman1
clarification

[BeholdtheMan]

Its with shame that i admit i had a workplace affair which has just ended abruptly ( not by me, i did not have the strength to end it although i was very unhappy about it).

I cant believe i ended up sleeping with this guy. He is much older than me, not attractive in any way, mysogynistic, stingy and a huge bore and complainer.

He hated texting me and everything was on his terms, he was incredibly controlling and played mind games.

 

But in the workplace he made me feel like a queen. He was constantly complimenting me and telling me how stunning and gorgeous i was and always paying me attention. He was the head of department and i suppose it was a huge ego trip for me to be chased by such an "important" person in the workplace.

Well our meetings became more infrequent i began to feel used and told him so in a text ( he hated me texting him).

He ended it immediately. In my mind i know it was the best thing to happen but i am crushed completely. I cant eat or sleep. I feel so used. I still love my spouse and this whole thing was never meant to happen. I wish i could just rewind back my life and not do it but i cant.

My spouse actually found out a couple of months ago and forgave me. He didnt know i was still seeing the OM until today. I just didnt feel able to end it.

Now things are horrendous and i still have to work with this guy.

I know im so lucky my husband forgave me and i intend to never ever do this again. I just need to know how to continue working alongside this man without wanting to run into the ladies crying every 5 minutes.

 

Translation: "ME ME ME...ME ME ME ME ME...ME ME ME"

 

Instead of wallowing in self-pity, perhaps you should focus on helping your husband recover

[BeholdtheMan]

What's my other option? To tell him? To destroy his life? No, not happening. If it comes out in the wash, I'll explain why I chose not to tell him.

You're more afraid of destroying your own life and the accompanying shame.

 

You're husband might not be as weak as you assume

[petee]

This thread has now died, a pack mentality ensued as you'll see and the original poster now feels the thread is no longer relevant to HER situation. The poisonous responses since her last post by users shows a complete lack of respect for her by the general ramblings of all these poor victims.

[sumathi]

hi,

You are very wrong in getting into a fickle relationship with a man who means nothing to you. Do you know when you cheat your spouse all that you get back is regret and shame for what you had done? Why did you text that person about feeling used? Never try to contact him or text him anymore. You are lucky that your husband has forgiven you and you owe your loyalty and love only to him. Let bygones be bygones and do not keep thinking of the wrong you had done. Behave in a professional manner with that person and do not try to commit the same mistake again.

[DKT3]

This thread has now died, a pack mentality ensued as you'll see and the original poster now feels the thread is no longer relevant to HER situation. The poisonous responses since her last post by users shows a complete lack of respect for her by the general ramblings of all these poor victims.

 

 

I disagree that its pack mentality. You wanta see the wolves try one of the other sites. At one they would all have pitchforks and torches and want these ladies heads on pikes.

 

What you have here are civil people who have run the course and now how the race ends.

 

These women are making unilateral decisions. Then hiding behind "well I know better then my husband what he would want" or "I don't want to cause more pain"

 

As a FBS, I would have much rather my WW said "look, I'm digging this other dude and I want to see where it goes, later" it would have hurt but I could respect that. She didn't, she decided she would bang him lie hide sneak and then come home and kiss me on the mouth wink and say I love you more then anything. That's caused more pain. It was prolonged pain. Like death by bee sting, one after another.

[BetrayedH]

This thread has now died, a pack mentality ensued as you'll see and the original poster now feels the thread is no longer relevant to HER situation. The poisonous responses since her last post by users shows a complete lack of respect for her by the general ramblings of all these poor victims.

 

No, as it turns out, a lot of people just disagree with you about sweeping all of this under the rug. Why don't you try making your point without repeatedly trying to tell the OP to ignore ours? Just because we don't agree with you doesn't mean our posts are poisonous ramblings or that you get to make us go away.

 

If you find a post that violates the terms of service, feel free to hit the "Alert Us" button on that post and you'll get a moderator's attention.

[petee]

Betrayed, as per usual you read but don't understand the crux of the post. The moderator isn required to get the thread back on track, onto Kittie's track. All this nonsense about other people is irrelevant, if you need to group hug why not open another thread, Kittie has left the site due to sad emotionally damaged people completely hijacking her thread. Alert the mod on this and tell them how you feel!!

Edited April 16, 2014 by petee

[BHsigh]

Betrayed, as per usual you read but don't understand the crux of the post. The moderator isn required to getnthenthread back on track, onto Kittie's track. All this nonsense about other people is irrelevant, if you need to group hug why not open another thread, Kittie has left the site due to sad emotionally damaged people like you completely hijacking he thread. Alert the mod on this and tell them how you feel!!

 

Most people responded to violet's situation because it is very similar and was about the exact same issue, breaking NC and whether to confess or not.

 

As kittie could learn from violet's situation, violet could learn from kittie's. Suggestions to either one of them will be very similar for people that are giving advice, and anyone viewing this thread for answers instead of posting their own thread will benefit as well. The topic at hand wasn't derailed whatsoever.

[violet1]

Betrayed, as per usual you read but don't understand the crux of the post. The moderator isn required to get the thread back on track, onto Kittie's track. All this nonsense about other people is irrelevant, if you need to group hug why not open another thread, Kittie has left the site due to sad emotionally damaged people completely hijacking her thread. Alert the mod on this and tell them how you feel!!

It wasn't my intention to t/j Kittie's thread. We are just in similar situations. How do you know for fact that Kittie left because of those reasons? It's normal to take a break from LS here and there. I requested that my last thread be reopened.

[BetrayedH]

Betrayed, as per usual you read but don't understand the crux of the post. The moderator isn required to get the thread back on track, onto Kittie's track. All this nonsense about other people is irrelevant, if you need to group hug why not open another thread, Kittie has left the site due to sad emotionally damaged people completely hijacking her thread. Alert the mod on this and tell them how you feel!!

 

Violet entered the thread with a remarkably similar story and expressed support for Kittie's decision not to disclose to her husband. IMHO, addressing them both on that subject is perfectly on-topic. For the record, I did like Violet's own suggestion that she start a new thread of her own. The decision is a personal one.

 

I also regret that the use of certain words like selfishness and cowardice can be hurtful because that's not my intent; they are simply accurate terms and sometimes it's best to not skirt around those subjects when a poster is here out of a crisis of conscience and probably needs some straight talk, provided that it's done with civility and respect. I've said more than once that my intent is to have an intelligent dialogue (which sometimes involves some debate) but I do extend my apologies to both posters if feelings have been hurt. I hope I've made it clear that it's not my intent to emotionally judge their past actions but to spur them to simply be honest and introspective enough about them to make better decisions in the future.

 

I'm also not convinced that Kittie has left the site. It's common for posters hearing difficult advice to lurk, to be introspective, and to rejoin the conversation when something resonates with them. Frankly, I think that's a wise policy for both Kittie and Violet. Personally, I don't think they need to make these decisions rashly; I think they need to take their time and eventually ensure that they make the right decision and that they are mentally prepared to keep doing that even when it's difficult. Making the right choice is frequently the more difficult one. It takes some courage that is many times lacking and needs to be grown.

 

As for you, I continue to implore that you take the time to address the content of posters with dissenting views rather than trying to be dismissive with clever phrases like 'group hug,' 'emotionally damaged,' and 'pack mentality.' Dismissing my view because of what I went through is disrespectful, especially since my Dday was 3 years ago. I'm here to help people at all corners of the triangle. If you want to defend the act of continued dishonesty about continued infidelity and infer that it's healthy for the OP, her H, or her marriage then go right ahead. But I suspect that it's going to take more than just juvenile labeling to make your case.

[passion_flower]

You're more afraid of destroying your own life and the accompanying shame.

 

You're husband might not be as weak as you assume

 

This is what it boils down too!

 

These lying waywards are afraid their significant others going to find out and leave them then they will be with nobody.

 

I believe in treating others as you wish to be treated and that is with respect, without respect, how can you love fully? I also believe in learning to love yourself before anyone else can love you.

[violet1]

Oh and Petee, I'm very aware I'm emotionally damaged. Thank you for pointing that out. I suspect that the OP is also in a similar state considering she had an affair with an old man that she's not attracted to. She stated that she cheated with him because she had low self-esteem.

[petee]

Violet, please don't think for one billionth of a millisecond it was aimed at you. If there has been any upset or insult taken please accept the most sincere apology you've ever had.

[hard2c]

Oh and Petee, I'm very aware I'm emotionally damaged. Thank you for pointing that out. I suspect that the OP is also in a similar state considering she had an affair with an old man that she's not attracted to. She stated that she cheated with him because

she had low self-esteem

Makes sense for younger women to have relationships with older men. Generally speaking, younger women are more focused on making a connection in their relationships than younger men. Young men are more immature, unstable, untested and consumed with personal achievement in college, graduate school and overall career, beer, and friends.

 

Todays single girl gives away her youth to demanding jobs and dawdling boyfriends who don't to commit to a relationship yet seeks the benefits of a wife without shouldering the reciprocal obligations of a husband. Friends with benefits come to mind.

 

Older men are emotionally mature, are more likely to have dealt with their personal demons such as addiction, tend to have more financial freedom.

 

Relationships are not just be all about love it today there practical, and realistic. currently its about saving yourself from having those visible lines on your face from the stress of paying for your home bills and more than being able to shop from your favorite store once in a while and sipping a glass of margarita with your friends.

 

Dating a rich older man doesn't make you a gold digger. Finances is a significant part of marriage. You can never turn your back on your finances, instead, you and your husband should be on top of it. look at the young man you are dating, do you see yourself, a few years from now, watching a movie with him in a nice cinema, or do you see yourself crying in self pity because you cannot even afford to buy a new shirt? Build a dream, build your future, and that journey begins now?

 

Ask yourself does the young man plan to buy a home? Does he want to upgrade your car? Does he want to go on a big vacation next year? A man who doesn't plan an elaborate winter vacation on a white sandy Beach is begging for his wife to have an affair. So to say that op had an affair with the ol' om because of poor self esteem is well... I can't write what I'm thinking because I don't want to be banned. You know what I'm thinking. Thanks for the rant.

[BeholdtheMan]

All this nonsense about other people is irrelevant, if you need to group hug why not open another thread, Kittie has left the site due to sad emotionally damaged people completely hijacking her thread.

How about you stop trying to suppress other people's opinions. This is an internet forum. If the OP doesn't like some what some people are saying, he/she can easily ignore those posts, which is what most WS's do anyway

[Kittiecat41]

Well this may be sheer madness posting again but here goes.

Husband now knows everything and while it was agony all over again im glad its over. I feel like a veil has been lifted. I cannot believe i allowed myself to do what i did.

He did not speak to me for a week and told me he wanted a divorce. My world fell apart but i know i deserved it. I think he still loves me and i know i still love him but i have so much work to do. What frightens me is that this will be on my conscience for the rest of my life and i can never undo it.

AP has revealed himself to be the most reptilian being that ever crawled out from under a rock. I told him about the fallout and his face turned grey in horror. Out of fear for his own skin. He is utterly disgusting. Its so hard to try and be normal and pleasant around him but i am determined not to allow him to see me beaten and broken by this. I am also seeing a counsellor arranged by my employer as i broke down in work the morning of dday part 2.

[passion_flower]

Well this may be sheer madness posting again but here goes.

Husband now knows everything and while it was agony all over again im glad its over. I feel like a veil has been lifted. I cannot believe i allowed myself to do what i did.

He did not speak to me for a week and told me he wanted a divorce. My world fell apart but i know i deserved it. I think he still loves me and i know i still love him but i have so much work to do. What frightens me is that this will be on my conscience for the rest of my life and i can never undo it.

AP has revealed himself to be the most reptilian being that ever crawled out from under a rock. I told him about the fallout and his face turned grey in horror. Out of fear for his own skin. He is utterly disgusting. Its so hard to try and be normal and pleasant around him but i am determined not to allow him to see me beaten and broken by this. I am also seeing a counsellor arranged by my employer as i broke down in work the morning of dday part 2.

 

I assume you told him so well done for doing that.

 

It will probably be very hurtful for him at first but once he starts coming to terms with it I'm sure he will be glad you told him. But of course there is no guarantee he will forgive you again and if not you will have to live with the consequences.

 

It would probably help a huge deal if you were to quit this job and get another one which isn't the easiest in this economic climate but if you value your marriage above all else it's really the only thing to do. Forget these thoughts like making the other man think he's won, you have to do what's best for you.

[BHsigh]

Well this may be sheer madness posting again but here goes.

Husband now knows everything and while it was agony all over again im glad its over. I feel like a veil has been lifted. I cannot believe i allowed myself to do what i did.

He did not speak to me for a week and told me he wanted a divorce. My world fell apart but i know i deserved it. I think he still loves me and i know i still love him but i have so much work to do. What frightens me is that this will be on my conscience for the rest of my life and i can never undo it.

AP has revealed himself to be the most reptilian being that ever crawled out from under a rock. I told him about the fallout and his face turned grey in horror. Out of fear for his own skin. He is utterly disgusting. Its so hard to try and be normal and pleasant around him but i am determined not to allow him to see me beaten and broken by this. I am also seeing a counsellor arranged by my employer as i broke down in work the morning of dday part 2.

 

A lot of AP's turn tail like this when everything is discovered, particularly when they are just in it for the fun on the side (Just to prevent an argument, I know that not all of them are), my wife's AP did the same thing.

 

I'm not sure if you confessed or if your husband discovered it, but I am glad that your eyes are now open, along with your husbands.

 

I know that you're going through a lot of pain right now, and I do truly hope that it gets better for both you and your husband. Just work with him and be fully honest and tranparent, don't trickle truth, at all.

 

We are on your side here kittie, I know that I want you to come through this ok. There are WS's on here that can help you a lot, they have been through the same thing.

 

I wish you luck kitty.

[BetrayedH]

Well done, Kitty. I know it may not count for much but I can guarantee that if you made that confession, there are many here that are proud of you. I think you'll see a complete change in tone when it comes to support here. You've managed to do what many just never do. Personally, I think this is where the real healing starts for everyone involved. Everything up to this point has just delayed it.

 

Any thoughts about what it is you want to do now? Do you want a divorce? Do you want to reconcile? I know your H has said he wants a divorce. But he's likely to be on a rollercoaster of emotions and change his mind 50 times a day. Unfortunately, too many waywards are motivated to stay by fear, guilt, and obligation. The best reason to stay is because of love for your husband. I only ask because if you want to reconcile, there are things you can be doing today. But reconciliation is also incredibly hard and takes a few years even when you're doing all the right things. You have to go in with both feet, even when you have no guarantees. It would be wise to be sure that it's what you want.

 

Good luck to you. I don't mean to sound corny but my heart is with you today. You had a choice to either keeping going further into the rabbit hole or start digging your way out and you made the right choice.