Feel like my world has been torn apart

[BetrayedH]

I agree with this. I also broke NC and had sex with exMM. We are back to NC and I have no desire to see him again. I haven't told my H. I thought about telling him and a lot of posters almost had me convinced that I should. The more I thought about it though, I realized it's not the right path for me. As long as I can stay strong and not break NC again than I see no good reason to tell my H. I wish you well! Stay strong and avoid the exOM as much as possible.

 

There are plenty of good reasons to tell your husband. You're just compartmentalizing them away and ignoring them. Your marriage is a sham. You're tricking your husband into staying with you, just like kittie is doing. What kind of marriage do you have when you're lying to your spouse about sleeping with other people, even after they've tried to forgive you? More lying is the solution? Quit lying to yourselves about who you're protecting.

[Cpt]

BetrayedH you're amazing! (no homo)

[Bryanp]

I wish you luck. You do realize of course that you put both yourself and your husband at risk for STD's from this scumbag. You and your husband need to be tested for STD's. Unfortunately these are the consequences of sexual affairs.

[Sofie2013]

your lifestyle > your job > your marriage

 

You are not supposed to quit your job because "he intimidated you to leave", you are supposed to quit out of respect for your husband. Your cozy little lifestyle may take a hit if you leave this job, but your marriage WILL take a hit if you stay.

 

You cannot justify staying there, the longer you stay, the more it proves this marriage is not your number one priority. Its not the cheating I am mad about, its the continuous disrespect to your husband and marriage.

 

Women these days

 

 

Sadly I agree with you. She should really at least start looking for another job. She also has to tell her husband what’s been going on after Dday. I don’t think she will do either she might love her husband but she love herself way more and the chance of this affair starting up again are high given the fact she never actually end the affair. Plus she really hasn’t done anything to change. I hope am wrong but I don’t see it this most like won’t end well. Even if she doesn’t re start the affair and is able to stay faithful the marriage will be based on lies.

[violet1]

There are plenty of good reasons to tell your husband. You're just compartmentalizing them away and ignoring them. Your marriage is a sham. You're tricking your husband into staying with you, just like kittie is doing. What kind of marriage do you have when you're lying to your spouse about sleeping with other people, even after they've tried to forgive you? More lying is the solution? Quit lying to yourselves about who you're protecting.

This is the exact reason why I requested the closing of my last thread. I'm sick of people telling me what I'm thinking and doing. I'm the only one who knows how I'm feeling.

 

Do you honestly believe that keeping this secret benefits me? It kills me inside. I'm very disappointed that I broke NC after 2 months. I feel nonstop guilt and shame. Confessing will relieve the guilt because I'll no longer be holding onto a secret, but it would be at his expense. The fact is that I can't change what I've done. I can only move forward. Telling him will destroy and depress him. Is that what you want? Do you think I don't feel agony over this? I will not risk him falling back into a severe depressive funk because of my actions. I will take the pain, guilt, and shame so he doesn't have to.

 

Just because I have chosen not to tell my H does NOT mean I'm not remorseful. It's quite telling that the majority of people who posted on this thread only choose to insult the OP instead of encouraging her. All because she's chosen a path they don't agree with. The WS is completely aware that his or her actions are selfish and wrong. It doesn't need to be constantly thrown in their face.

[petee]

Kittie, continue as you are. One poster here will have you swing right and the next left. Ifn you saw the news today a smear campaign has started against UKIP's Nigel. He'll spend more time trying to fight the smear now than he will on his campaign.....if you see the analagy? How was work today?

[Fluttershy]

This is the exact reason why I requested the closing of my last thread. I'm sick of people telling me what I'm thinking and doing. I'm the only one who knows how I'm feeling.

 

Do you honestly believe that keeping this secret benefits me? It kills me inside. I'm very disappointed that I broke NC after 2 months. I feel nonstop guilt and shame. Confessing will relieve the guilt because I'll no longer be holding onto a secret, but it would be at his expense. The fact is that I can't change what I've done. I can only move forward. Telling him will destroy and depress him. Is that what you want? Do you think I don't feel agony over this? I will not risk him falling back into a severe depressive funk because of my actions. I will take the pain, guilt, and shame so he doesn't have to.

 

Just because I have chosen not to tell my H does NOT mean I'm not remorseful. It's quite telling that the majority of people who posted on this thread only choose to insult the OP instead of encouraging her. All because she's chosen a path they don't agree with. The WS is completely aware that his or her actions are selfish and wrong. It doesn't need to be constantly thrown in their face.

 

I think what gets people is the extent people go to justify their hurtful and dishonest actions. And have suffered it as well. And there is the level of disrespect when someone else decides what is best for a grown adult. Unlike many WS who refuse to tell and repeatedly come on here obsessing about their AP or saying it is over only to fail again my husband did end his affair and contact. And then he did the authentic thing and told me the truth and let me decide for myself what I wanted to do. He could have clung to a whole bunch of rationale and decided to treat me like a child and make descision for me. But he gave me all the cards and let me decide. He had got away scot free and I would never have known. (maybe as long as everyone is alive there is a chance of delayed discovery).

Go ahead and decide for your husband what he needs to know. OP too. But realize that for most people authenticity and true intimacy will never happen so long as you are living a lie and tricking your spouse in to being with you. And realize that though your motives to keep it a secret maybe selfless in your mind it is not the way of integrity and honesty. And very rarely purely selfless.

[violet1]

I'm not making decisions for my H. He doesn't want a D. He's told me this many times. He needs me and my support to raise my stepdaughter who no longer has a mother. I do honestly believe we can overcome this without confessing the break of NC.

[BHsigh]

I'm not making decisions for my H. He doesn't want a D. He's told me this many times. He needs me and my support to raise my stepdaughter who no longer has a mother. I do honestly believe we can overcome this without confessing the break of NC.

 

You mean that you can overcome this, he has no idea so there is no way possible for him to overcome the break of NC.

[BetrayedH]

This is the exact reason why I requested the closing of my last thread. I'm sick of people telling me what I'm thinking and doing. I'm the only one who knows how I'm feeling.

 

Do you honestly believe that keeping this secret benefits me? It kills me inside. I'm very disappointed that I broke NC after 2 months. I feel nonstop guilt and shame. Confessing will relieve the guilt because I'll no longer be holding onto a secret, but it would be at his expense. The fact is that I can't change what I've done. I can only move forward. Telling him will destroy and depress him. Is that what you want? Do you think I don't feel agony over this? I will not risk him falling back into a severe depressive funk because of my actions. I will take the pain, guilt, and shame so he doesn't have to.

 

Just because I have chosen not to tell my H does NOT mean I'm not remorseful. It's quite telling that the majority of people who posted on this thread only choose to insult the OP instead of encouraging her. All because she's chosen a path they don't agree with. The WS is completely aware that his or her actions are selfish and wrong. It doesn't need to be constantly thrown in their face.

 

You are feeling guilt and shame and it "kills" you for a reason. Lying to your forgiving spouse about sleeping with the OM again is WRONG. Making decisions about what your husband deserves, what he can handle, and how to best protect him is insulting to your husband when it is YOU that he needs protection from because your judgment about how to protect your husband and marriage is absolutely gawd-awful. Your husband is not a child and you are not his parent. These aren't insults or personal attacks; they are FACTS. And I am "encouraging" the OP to do the right thing; I'm just not telling her what she wants to hear. What if your husband would decide to divorce you and take his chances with someone else in life if he knew that you slept with the OM again? What if he knew you were still lying to his face? The right to make that informed decision to being stolen from him. This sounds like a "good reason" to come clean with him. Yet you sit here and say you see "no good reason" to tell him.

 

As for closing your thread, congratulations. But if you're going to sit here and advise other waywards to continue lying to their forgiving spouses about continuing to sleep with their affair partners, you can count on me sharing a dissenting opinion every time.

[violet1]

You mean that you can overcome this, he has no idea so there is no way possible for him to overcome the break of NC.

What's my other option? To tell him? To destroy his life? No, not happening. If it comes out in the wash, I'll explain why I chose not to tell him.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not making decisions for my H. He doesn't want a D. He's told me this many times. He needs me and my support to raise my stepdaughter who no longer has a mother. I do honestly believe we can overcome this without confessing the break of NC.

 

Your H is most certainly in shock from your affair. And when the world feels like it is falling apart, it's very common for us to desperately grasp onto what we have and try to stop a collapse. This is a sort of betrayed spouse fog where we live in denial about how significant an affair really is. But this doesn't mean that your husband would willfully choose to stay with his wayward wife when she has slept with the OM yet again. The desperation to save the marriage doesn't last forever and we typically do regain our sense of self-esteem enough to make less emotional and desperate decisions. He could very well decide that enough is enough and it's time to throw in the towel. He deserves the respect of making that choice for himself.

[BHsigh]

What's my other option? To tell him? To destroy his life? No, not happening. If it comes out in the wash, I'll explain why I chose not to tell him.

 

You've already destroyed his life, you're just hiding that fact from him.

 

If it comes out in the wash it will become even worse for him, because not only did you not stay faithful during R, but you also continued to lie about it. Right now you have the power to change at least one of those, if he finds out on his own you won't.

 

In my mind, your actions now are worse than the affair.

[BetrayedH]

You've already destroyed his life, you're just hiding that fact from him.

 

If it comes out in the wash it will become even worse for him, because not only did you not stay faithful during R, but you also continued to lie about it. Right now you have the power to change at least one of those, if he finds out on his own you won't.

 

In my mind, your actions now are worse than the affair.

 

This is exactly the truth. Kittie and Violet's Hs are both reconciling with them under the assumption that from that point forward they would be both honest and faithful. Those are two absolutely critical factors in a decision not to divorce. In both cases, the infidelity and the dishonesty have continued and rationalizations are being made to keep being dishonest. These men might very well choose differently if they knew their wives hadn't yet learned to be either faithful or honest. Hell, they might have chosen to leave if they just knew about broken NC, let alone full-blown sex. But that choice is stolen from them by people that apparently know better. If anything is "telling" here it is that the BSs are in favor of honesty and the waywards continuing to sleep with the OM after Dday are in favor of lying.

[violet1]

You are feeling guilt and shame and it "kills" you for a reason. Lying to your forgiving spouse about sleeping with the OM again is WRONG. Making decisions about what your husband deserves, what he can handle, and how to best protect him is insulting to your husband when it is YOU that he needs protection from because your judgment about how to protect your husband and marriage is absolutely gawd-awful. Your husband is not a child and you are not his parent. These aren't insults or personal attacks; they are FACTS. And I am "encouraging" the OP to do the right thing; I'm just not telling her what she wants to hear. What if your husband would decide to divorce you and take his chances with someone else in life if he knew that you slept with the OM again? What if he knew you were still lying to his face? The right to make that informed decision to being stolen from him. This sounds like a "good reason" to come clean with him. Yet you sit here and say you see "no good reason" to tell him.

 

As for closing your thread, congratulations. But if you're going to sit here and advise other waywards to continue lying to their forgiving spouses about continuing to sleep with their affair partners, you can count on me sharing a dissenting opinion every time.

First of all, you aren't the poster I was talking about. I didn't think you insulted her or me. You have the right to your opinion. I'm not encouraging the OP to not tell her H. She is the one who stated that. That's her choice. I'm in a somewhat similar situation and I was showing her support. Nothing less, nothing more. If she had stated that she wanted to confess, I would have supported her in that decision too. I don't believe in pushing other adults in things they don't really want to do. It's her life, she'll have to face the consequences. The same goes for me. In my situation, telling my H is not the right decision. Especially since I have no desire to break NC again. I honestly think that you want my H to hurt and divorce me though. Which is fine, you are entitled to your opinion.

[hard2c]

You are feeling guilt and shame and it "kills" you for a reason. Lying to your forgiving spouse about sleeping with the OM again is WRONG. Making decisions about what your husband deserves, what he can handle, and how to best protect him is insulting to your husband when it is YOU that he needs protection from because your judgment about how to protect your husband and marriage is absolutely gawd-awful. Your husband is not a child and you are not his parent. These aren't insults or personal attacks; they are FACTS. And I am "encouraging" the OP to do the right thing; I'm just not telling her what she wants to hear. What if your husband would decide to divorce you and take his chances with someone else in life if he knew that you slept with the OM again? What if he knew you were still lying to his face? The right to make that informed decision to being stolen from him. This sounds like a "good reason" to come clean with him. Yet you sit here and say you see "no good reason" to tell him.

 

As for closing your thread, congratulations. But if you're going to sit here and advise other waywards to continue lying to their forgiving spouses about continuing to sleep with their affair partners, you can count on me sharing a dissenting opinion every time.

@BH

hope that I don't get confused with thread jacking since its not my intent. Xww conducted many affairs over the years. During counseling she stated that the affairs weren't malicious especially since I didn't know of them. Her rational is that cheating is wrong if and only if the affair is made known.

 

arguing is futile with someone who couldn't care.

 

If I could patent a saying (btw I'm not referring to anyone on this thread) Don't try to push a worm up a straw.

[BHsigh]

First of all, you aren't the poster I was talking about. I didn't think you insulted her or me. You have the right to your opinion. I'm not encouraging the OP to not tell her H. She is the one who stated that. That's her choice. I'm in a somewhat similar situation and I was showing her support. Nothing less, nothing more. If she had stated that she wanted to confess, I would have supported her in that decision too. I don't believe in pushing other adults in things they don't really want to do. It's her life, she'll have to face the consequences. The same goes for me. In my situation, telling my H is not the right decision. Especially since I have no desire to break NC again. I honestly think that you want my H to hurt and divorce me though. Which is fine, you are entitled to your opinion.

 

Can you honestly say that your husband would agree that not telling him would be the right thing to do? Do you truly feel that in your heart that he would agree?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Violet I don't think that's fair. I don't believe, nor do I get through his posts, That BetrayedH wants your husband to divorce you. He is telling you from his point of view (having been in your husband's shoes) what is the best course of action.

 

 

I am a former wayward and I am also a BS - I HAVE been on both sides of this. I can tell you I would prefer to know if my husband has had contact and even more so has slept with his FMOW since the affair ended. I would want to know if he talked to her or saw her. He would also want to know if the same had happened on my end.

 

 

What we have come to in our journey is that we cannot control the other person - that is a fact. If he felt like he had to see her for some reason, I would want to know why, I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't stop him. The reason I would want to know is that there is some accountability. I might not know everything that went on, but it surely would be less likely he would hop in bed with her. Unfortunately for you, you found that out. Had your husband known in advance, maybe you wouldn't have slept with him again.

 

 

Believe me I am not going to beat you up - you sound like you are beating yourself up. But I am going to tell you that I believe you are being selfish as well. He should know the truth so that he can make his own decisions. It's not fair to him at all. This advice is not only for you but the OP as well.

 

 

One thing I know - relationships cannot exist very well with this kind of secrecy. And it's one other time bomb that CAN go off down the road. This is not something you want to live with I am certain. My husband lives with a time bomb in that his FMOW's BS does not know about the affair. He lives with the knowledge that it's possible that might come out some day. This is one thing I don't live with. I know I haven't been in contact with my XMOM. There is freedom in truth - believe me.

 

 

As much as I sympathize with you, I am in agreement with telling your husband.

[Sub]

What's my other option? To tell him? To destroy his life? No, not happening. If it comes out in the wash, I'll explain why I chose not to tell him.

 

You should be prepared that your reasoning may not be good enough for him, though. If you say "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to destroy your life", there's a chance he will say "You destroyed my life when you broke NC and saw the OM." It's up to you, obviously. I do hope everything works out.

[veritas lux mea]

I broke NC. I told my husband. I explained it to him and was honest. we moved past it and there are now no secrets between us. It feels wonderful.

[BetrayedH]

It's her life, she'll have to face the consequences. The same goes for me. In my situation, telling my H is not the right decision. Especially since I have no desire to break NC again. I honestly think that you want my H to hurt and divorce me though. Which is fine, you are entitled to your opinion.

 

It's not just "her life" or your life that's impacted by this decision or just her/you that has to face the consequences. Do these men deserves to be tricked into staying in marriages with unfaithful wives, for the rest of the one life they have? You both have betrayed spouses at home that are affected by this choice. I fail to understand why I make one argument after another in regards to what is most respectful to your forgiving husbands, only to have them ignored.

 

As for what I want, I guess you really don't know me or my posting history very well (which is fine). I don't think you'll find a bigger fan of reconciliation on this site. I don't wish for your husband to be hurt any further and I don't wish divorce for either of you. What I really hope is that your husband finds himself with a truly remorseful wayward wife - one that is fully transparent and ready to live an honest and authentic life - and that he finds it within him to forgive you because he loves you and you deserve it (which would be strongly demonstrated by your ability to admit your faults and own them). I want you both to come to grips with the reality of what's happened and then work on healing yourselves. You cannot go around an affair; you must go through it.

 

But I do think there are things worse than divorce and going through a false reconciliation is one of them; having a wayward wife continue to lie (apparently taking her lies about sleeping with her AP again to the grave) is another. I would rather see him divorce and heal than to be lied to by his wife for the rest of his life. I also want you to be able to break from this wayward thinking and truly find healing through the rewards of living an honest and authentic life. Taking this to the grave makes you a liar for life and will preclude real intimacy from happening in your marriage.

 

Look, there is a path to a successful reconciliation after an affair. But the path is long and narrow and there are landmines on both sides. IMO, honesty in the marriage is absolutely the most critical part of an intimate partnership that is supposed to last a lifetime. If you're going to lie to one another, just forget it.

[BetrayedH]

I broke NC. I told my husband. I explained it to him and was honest. we moved past it and there are now no secrets between us. It feels wonderful.

 

THIS ^^^ is what I'm talking about. I wish I could like this post x100. Will there be a temporary period where the revelation is painful? Of course. But it will not last a lifetime. The benefits of having no secrets between them most certainly will.

[violet1]

I can't speak for the OP, but the more I think about it, I believe I broke NC because I've been insecure with my R from day 1. How do I really know that he wants it for the right reasons? At the time of my D Day, it was only a few weeks after the death. He wasn't working full time either. Sometimes I think he only stayed with me because of my stepdaughter. Now he has a full time job, but he doesn't make enough to support him and his daughter. I make more than he does and could afford a place myself. He has a friend whose gf cheats on him constantly. I asked my H why he stays. He said the friend stays because he can't afford his mortgage by himself. I often wonder if he's secretly planning his getaway. In ways I feel maybe we both have secrets. If the OP's head is spinning like mine is, she's probably confused as hell.

[veritas lux mea]

I can't speak for the OP, but the more I think about it, I believe I broke NC because I've been insecure with my R from day 1. How do I really know that he wants it for the right reasons? At the time of my D Day, it was only a few weeks after the death. He wasn't working full time either. Sometimes I think he only stayed with me because of my stepdaughter. Now he has a full time job, but he doesn't make enough to support him and his daughter. I make more than he does and could afford a place myself. He has a friend whose gf cheats on him constantly. I asked my H why he stays. He said the friend stays because he can't afford his mortgage by himself. I often wonder if he's secretly planning his getaway. In ways I feel maybe we both have secrets. If the OP's head is spinning like mine is, she's probably confused as hell.

 

I am afraid you are slipping back into the wayward mindset.

[violet1]

Yes, that's why I posted my last thread. I think I'm still pretty deep in a fog. My emotions are crazy. One minute I think I should tell my H, in the next minute I think I shouldn't. I think I'll start another thread so I don't continue to t/j this one. My apologies to the moderators and OP.