Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Totally right in most cases. That's a woman's emotional need and too often, if it's not met by her husband, some guy is going to key into that. It leaves us vulnerable if we're taking care of our end of the relationship and the husband acts as if we're in the way. I had an online affair, I'm ashamed to say. (Today I don't know that woman!) An old, heavy, white-haired man who would have been totally unacceptable in person. But he made me feel lovely and beautiful even though I was overweight and neglected by ex-hubs. Unlike most, I didn't hide it and ex-hubs put up with it... I was on the verge of ending it permanently when ex-hubs had his revenge affair and left me to be with her. (I wanted to repair the marriage - he didn't.) Lost my best friend and have not found a replacement... yet. (It's been seven years...) OP, this is the voice of experience talking... Im sorry Journeylady. I can honestly say it was more about my insecurity and thrill of being wooed and chased by someone "important" in my company. My hubby used to have verbal outbursts against me that were so hateful i felt like i could not love him anymore and i felt sure he didnt love me. Its so easy to feel insecure, even in a seemingly secure relationship like a marriage. I hope you can find closure eventually and find a soul mate who will make you happier than ever.
JourneyLady Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Im sorry Journeylady. I can honestly say it was more about my insecurity and thrill of being wooed and chased by someone "important" in my company. My hubby used to have verbal outbursts against me that were so hateful i felt like i could not love him anymore and i felt sure he didnt love me. Its so easy to feel insecure, even in a seemingly secure relationship like a marriage. I hope you can find closure eventually and find a soul mate who will make you happier than ever. Well yes, you see now the other way emotional needs can be met. You might have met the type of guy I had an online with, but you didn't. You met someone "important" and that made you feel important by extension. When we allow boundaries to be crossed it is *always* about insecurity. The insecurity is also the reason we don't leave the bad relationships before getting into another one. The thing is, had you been single, the co-worker probably would not have approached you at all. The fact that you were married made you "safe" for him. I'm still learning about dating now (having not had much practice before!), and have been through a bunch of hard lessons myself. I've learned my lessons on cheating though - even open affairs are not good for a marriage. I wouldn't touch a married man even on a desert island with no one else there! 2
DKT3 Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Well yes, you see now the other way emotional needs can be met. You might have met the type of guy I had an online with, but you didn't. You met someone "important" and that made you feel important by extension. When we allow boundaries to be crossed it is *always* about insecurity. The insecurity is also the reason we don't leave the bad relationships before getting into another one. The thing is, had you been single, the co-worker probably would not have approached you at all. The fact that you were married made you "safe" for him. I'm still learning about dating now (having not had much practice before!), and have been through a bunch of hard lessons myself. I've learned my lessons on cheating though - even open affairs are not good for a marriage. I wouldn't touch a married man even on a desert island with no one else there! I agree. Single guys often go after MW because it allows him to get some and remain free. She's married so....... Its can also be a thrill to chase and catch a MW. Generally the motives aren't honorable. Maybe it turns into more then he intended more often it doesn't. Or in this case he bails leaving behind a wreckage,unclear future for the kids, and the marriage. While he simply moves on to the next woman willing to fall for a shell of a man with a nice job title and bank balance. 1
petee Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 If you are work this week Kittie you will very quickly see how the land lies. There has been a lot of good advice here that you should consider, however the one piece of poisonous advice I keep seeing is that you have to pick the scab and come clean about the extension of the affair. This is poor advice, the damage is already done. Ask yourself if you can live with it, if you can then get on with your life. Basic things like ensuring your husband can't see that you've accessed this site etc. should be foremost on your mind. Whether you need to seek new employment will become blatantly apparent in the next few weeks..... If you restart this affair then I'm afraid you're permanently on the dark side, and all of the listening and thinking you've done will have been a waste of everybody's time. 1
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 If you are work this week Kittie you will very quickly see how the land lies. There has been a lot of good advice here that you should consider, however the one piece of poisonous advice I keep seeing is that you have to pick the scab and come clean about the extension of the affair. This is poor advice, the damage is already done. Ask yourself if you can live with it, if you can then get on with your life. Basic things like ensuring your husband can't see that you've accessed this site etc. should be foremost on your mind. Whether you need to seek new employment will become blatantly apparent in the next few weeks..... If you restart this affair then I'm afraid you're permanently on the dark side, and all of the listening and thinking you've done will have been a waste of everybody's time. Thanks pete. I came into work today and in the kitchen he smiled at me and spoke to me for a while. I feel relieved and scared. He is not going to make things difficult for me, but does that mean he is going to try and restart things again? Thats what im worried about. Thankfully he is not head of my department so i dont have to work directly with him. I have cautious optimism that it might all just work out? 1
petee Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 It could all just work out fine. You do need the 'chat' though. A difficult chat that spells it out crystal clear, there will be no slipping back into 'friends with benefits' because as a male he will have that idea. You have to get this right, the stakes are high and the loss would be unimaginable. Stay firm because this guy will see it differently to how it really is. If something were to happen and your husband finds out I would say it, as in the marriage, is over, You are in a weird place at the moment and the only way out, coupled with your strength, is time....and plenty of it. I have faith in you, you can do this. Under No circumstance go weak at the knees again, you are doing this for you and your husband.
DKT3 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 It could all just work out fine. You do need the 'chat' though. A difficult chat that spells it out crystal clear, there will be no slipping back into 'friends with benefits' because as a male he will have that idea. You have to get this right, the stakes are high and the loss would be unimaginable. Stay firm because this guy will see it differently to how it really is. If something were to happen and your husband finds out I would say it, as in the marriage, is over, You are in a weird place at the moment and the only way out, coupled with your strength, is time....and plenty of it. I have faith in you, you can do this. Under No circumstance go weak at the knees again, you are doing this for you and your husband. This is horrible advice, things never just "work out" in sitiations like this. She had her DDay, she did all the cring, all the "it won't happen again" made the promise, saw the hurt in his eyes. Then continued to bang this guy for several more months. She is not being honest with herself, in doing so, despite all her best efforts (in words, has shown nothing with actions) she will be banging this guy before summer. Why? Because she continues to engage. When she says its over (which I doubt she ever will) the guy will see the thrill of the chase return, she will feel the thrill of being chased and those thrills will return for her. Again you say if something where to happen again then her marriage would be over, I would call banging a guy for several months after DDay is something happening again. My advise would be if she has no intent on being honest with her husband then she needs to get honest with herself. Disengage from this guy, that means no small talk. If she needs a final word or closure do so in a hand writen of typed letter and be done with it. If she can't find the will to even do that, then there is no way she will find the will to stay out of this guys bed. As I've said many times, the only thing that has changed was the OM. What happens when he changes back. I think we all know. 4
A.Moscote Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 "Ask yourself if you can live with it, if you can then get on with your life." Petee, does this mean keeping the truth forever? As in until the day he/she dies? I think that is so sad and unfair. I know confessing is a huge effort and takes a lot of courage, as well as very risky. That's why I don't like to pressure other to do it, or rashly do it. And I don't condemn those who chose not to do it. Enough by just reminding them what are the benefits of doing so. At least be a bit optimist and pray for a suitable time and chance to reveal the truth one day. 1
petee Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 This is horrible advice, things never just "work out" in sitiations like this. She had her DDay, she did all the cring, all the "it won't happen again" made the promise, saw the hurt in his eyes. Then continued to bang this guy for several more months. She is not being honest with herself, in doing so, despite all her best efforts (in words, has shown nothing with actions) she will be banging this guy before summer. Why? Because she continues to engage. When she says its over (which I doubt she ever will) the guy will see the thrill of the chase return, she will feel the thrill of being chased and those thrills will return for her. Again you say if something where to happen again then her marriage would be over, I would call banging a guy for several months after DDay is something happening again. My advise would be if she has no intent on being honest with her husband then she needs to get honest with herself. Disengage from this guy, that means no small talk. If she needs a final word or closure do so in a hand writen of typed letter and be done with it. If she can't find the will to even do that, then there is no way she will find the will to stay out of this guys bed. As I've said many times, the only thing that has changed was the OM. What happens when he changes back. I think we all know. Disengage from small talk, really helpful advice. Place a flashing light on her head too? She needs the job, be rude to management and you'll do well at work?? If you were in employment you'd maybe understand. We'll agree to differ, but Kittie read my post, get through today, reflect/ react and keep moving forward. You are not an emotional cripple and can control this.....but consider the what ifs/ and when to scenarios. And be ready with appropriate responses. Have the 'chat'; he needs telling. At the moment you have dignity, do not let him destroy that and your future with your husband. 1
Buckeye2 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 When she says its over (which I doubt she ever will) the guy will see the thrill of the chase return, she will feel the thrill of being chased and those thrills will return for her. There is a 100% chance that the OM will come after you again. Why wouldn’t he? You said yourself the sex was great and it was free. He will take care of your hurt feelings of him rejecting you by saying whatever he needs to get in your pants again. You need to decide what you are going to do when (not if) this happens. If you continue to work there you will at least be having an EA lusting after the OM when you see him. I think the chances are high that there will be a PA. Even an EA will damage your marriage. At least promise yourself that if you have a PA you will divorce your husband. If you love him that’s the only fair thing you can do. 4
Friskyone4u Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I agree with Buckeye 2. When he gets horny for you he will try again. If you are really serious about cutting this off, you will tell him that if he does not keep away from you that you will file sexual harassment complaint. Just because you once had sex with him will not make his continued advances acceptable to any HR Department. The question is. Are you committed enough to do that. If not that? If not, the. You really want to keep the option open to sleep with him again and you like the attention. The chase will begin at some point. Why would be walk away from that great sex without any threat to his security 2
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) Well the first day is over and after our brief words in the kitchen in the morning i avoided him all day. He walked past my office looking all sorry for himself and i just felt contempt. He has the face to act like the injured party. Never once considering my feelings. I guess he is already regretting saying goodbye to that free sex.... He will NEVER put his hands on my body again. Of that i am deadly sure. In fact the fog has totally lifted and whatever spell he had over me is completely broken. I now see a selfish, miserable, mean, dirty old man where i once saw someone special and worthy of love ( yes i actually thought i was in love with this creep). I will miss the jokes we shared, leaving secret chocolates on each other's desks and the joking and flirting we did. It made office life exciting and i looked forward to coming into work. He even used to touch me up and grope me when no one was around. I suppose if that didnt raise a red flag nothing would. A dirty old man indeed. 18 years older than me. From now on i will be having a NC rule for myself with him. He will just be another person in the office to me. He is welcome to his sad selfish existence and meanwhile i will work on repairing the damage i did to my marriage. The self revulsion has already set in. Big time. Edited April 14, 2014 by Kittiecat41 3
Buckeye2 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 From now on i will be having a NC rule for myself with him. He will just be another person in the office to me. He is welcome to his sad selfish existence and meanwhile i will work on repairing the damage i did to my marriage. The self revulsion has already set in. Big time. Others will disagree but if, I repeat if you can stick to the above I see no reason to admit to your husband that anything happened after D-day. I’m so happy for you. But I will say again, if you resume a PA someday please divorce your husband for his sake. 3
Raven3321 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Well the first day is over and after our brief words in the kitchen in the morning i avoided him all day. He walked past my office looking all sorry for himself and i just felt contempt. He has the face to act like the injured party. Never once considering my feelings. I guess he is already regretting saying goodbye to that free sex.... He will NEVER put his hands on my body again. Of that i am deadly sure. In fact the fog has totally lifted and whatever spell he had over me is completely broken. I now see a selfish, miserable, mean, dirty old man where i once saw someone special and worthy of love ( yes i actually thought i was in love with this creep). I will miss the jokes we shared, leaving secret chocolates on each other's desks and the joking and flirting we did. It made office life exciting and i looked forward to coming into work. He even used to touch me up and grope me when no one was around. I suppose if that didnt raise a red flag nothing would. A dirty old man indeed. 18 years older than me. From now on i will be having a NC rule for myself with him. He will just be another person in the office to me. He is welcome to his sad selfish existence and meanwhile i will work on repairing the damage i did to my marriage. The self revulsion has already set in. Big time. Kittie, I'm glad things worked out today. Today gave you confidence and a renewed resolve. We're all rooting for you. That having been said....... Feelings are funny creatures. As strongly as you were repulsed by him today, you were attracted to him before. Don't think for a minute your feelings aren't capable of swinging back the other way again. They can and most likely will at some point. That's why working with the guy is so dangerous to your marriage. You're strong now but there will be days you won't be. He hasn't hit you up yet, but as others have said, he will. This isn't to tear you down but just a warning to watch out. I think you are still vulnerable emotionally to him because of the things you willingly admit you miss. Also, you shared a bed with him. That bond doesn't go away easily. There's also some deception still going on between you and your husband. He knows some of it but doesn't know the truth. You're still hiding something and that will affect your resolve. I'm warning you now; the fact that you were stiill sexually active with him after your Dday will be a big deal to your husband I'm sure. When he finds out (and I do mean "when" not "if"), it will be worse than dday and potentially end the marriage. If you've read the stories on this board, trickle truth is a killer. My point is that all of these things combined make for a volcanoe that can erupt at any moment. Too many loose ends here. Take care and I hope for the best for you. 2
violet1 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Others will disagree but if, I repeat if you can stick to the above I see no reason to admit to your husband that anything happened after D-day. I’m so happy for you. But I will say again, if you resume a PA someday please divorce your husband for his sake. I agree with this. I also broke NC and had sex with exMM. We are back to NC and I have no desire to see him again. I haven't told my H. I thought about telling him and a lot of posters almost had me convinced that I should. The more I thought about it though, I realized it's not the right path for me. As long as I can stay strong and not break NC again than I see no good reason to tell my H. I wish you well! Stay strong and avoid the exOM as much as possible. 1
passion_flower Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I've never read such BS self absorbed self pitying in all my life. No doubt you will skip straight past this post as it is clearly what you don't want to hear. Your husband is too good for you and I'm sure you are portraying him in a negative light in order to justify your actions more. You didn't just 'Fall' into this situation. You and your actions got you where you are. 2
Clay Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 She is setting herself up for failure. She failed to not have an affair in the first place. Boundaries are something you just don't really play with. We all think we can do things we can't. She is only showing she is not honest one more time. This time she is not only lieing to her husband she is lieing to herself. In time it will work its way out. Staying close to the OM only increases the odds her husband will eventually find out. Even if he never finds out I doubt seriously the marriage will last. I stayed with a serial cheater for years thinking I could help her. I learned one thing out of all of it. I was a fool and she was a xxxxx. It does not mean everyone will stay cheater but the odds are not in her favor. My hope is she will be honest with her H and allow him the chance to choose but I doubt she will do that. Life is to short to play these games. Clay 1
thummper Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) Kittie, I'm still not exactly sure why you're staying at the same job where you have to constantly be in contact with this guy. For heaven's sake, no, for your marriage's sake, get out of there and get a different job. You said you don't want him to intimidate you to leave, and yet you've said you're afraid of what he might do to you in retaliation to breaking off the affair. He'll start hitting on you again, you can just bet on it, in your heart you know he's not finished with you. The free sex was just too plentiful and too good. He'll want more, A LOT MORE! And your track record pretty well proves that, in the end, you'll cave in and give him what he wants. Don't give him the opportunity. If you're no longer working there, he can't "get at you." If you stay, it's back with the groping and feeling you up on the sly. It's going to happen again, and I don't think, from what you've said, that you're going to be strong enough to resist him. You're weak, and he'll be relentless, and you'll give in, you know you will. And how will you feel then? How will you be able to face your husband then? Edited April 14, 2014 by thummper
Artie Lang Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 don't know why you're even posting on this side. seems to me like you're only taking advice from a certain few, and what HORRIBLE advice that is. 1
BHsigh Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Kittie, I truly am glad that you have this new found attitude of NC with OP, and I truly hope that you can keep it up. But I do think that it's a mistake to not confess to your husband, you're missing the entire basis of a true relationship and the entire purpose of reconciliation. That basis is honesty and respect, you are giving your husband neither, and are only choosing not to tell him in order to protect yourself, you're still not thinking about your husband and what is best for him. Take that or leave it, but you know in your heart that it's the truth. 2
Jonah Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Thanks pete. I came into work today and in the kitchen he smiled at me and spoke to me for a while. I feel relieved and scared. He is not going to make things difficult for me, but does that mean he is going to try and restart things again? Thats what im worried about. Thankfully he is not head of my department so i dont have to work directly with him. I have cautious optimism that it might all just work out? It is not him you should fear. Go look in the mirror and you will find the real enemy. He is likely more afraid of you than you of him. From the tale you tell he is likely relived. Now you are making too big a deal out of it. There its no drama except that in your mind. Let this one go kitty.. Don't worry, you will find another drama to take its place, but its my bet that you will wait to find a suitable drama before you will let this one go. cause that is what this is all about, isn't it? That there is drama, thus validating that you actually do exist. 2
Jonah Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Kittie, I truly am glad that you have this new found attitude of NC with OP, and I truly hope that you can keep it up. But I do think that it's a mistake to not confess to your husband, you're missing the entire basis of a true relationship and the entire purpose of reconciliation. That basis is honesty and respect, you are giving your husband neither, and are only choosing not to tell him in order to protect yourself, you're still not thinking about your husband and what is best for him. Take that or leave it, but you know in your heart that it's the truth. Enough drama. The illuserary past is gone. Its time to walk away from who you were before this and let each day bring what it will.
thummper Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Nah, this guy ain't done with her yet. He'll lay low for a little while, and then he'll be right back after her. I don't doubt that for a minute. If she really cares about her future with her hubby, she needs to remove herself from his grasp, and don't you think for a minute that he's through "grasping." She's so dense. I feel really badly for her, because the nightmare isn't anywhere near over. 3
Cpt Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 your lifestyle > your job > your marriage You are not supposed to quit your job because "he intimidated you to leave", you are supposed to quit out of respect for your husband. Your cozy little lifestyle may take a hit if you leave this job, but your marriage WILL take a hit if you stay. You cannot justify staying there, the longer you stay, the more it proves this marriage is not your number one priority. Its not the cheating I am mad about, its the continuous disrespect to your husband and marriage. Women these days
petee Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 How's it going today Kittie? There are some soapbox messages above, disregard and keep strong. 1
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