Feel like my world has been torn apart

[Kittiecat41]

Click on "My Profile" in the upper left and then "Edit Ignore List."

 

thank you. FWIW, I wont add you to the list

[CarrieT]

Check when people joined? Does that mean somebody who recently has no life experience?

No. Re-read what I said - it means that those of us that have been around here a while, have read these same stories dozens and dozens of times and seen what works and what doesn't. That is simple mathematics and historical fact.

 

Chose the advice carefully, those that have been here for years could all be bitter. I retract that statement because it is clearly nonsense.

What I say is not nonsense. I am not bitter about anything - even the fact that my first marriage ended when I found my 25-year old husband having sex with another man. Sure, I have been cheated on - but I am not bitter about it now, 25 years later.

[DKT3]

You seem to have overlooked the possibility that I might have some pride. I do NOT run back to men who have dumped me, especially not lowlife creeps like him.

 

I can respect that.

[BetrayedH]

thank you. FWIW, I wont add you to the list

 

You're welcome. You aren't the first to have a hard time with particular posters. You should have seen my first big thread a few years back. Trying to read it today is nearly impossible because several users (mostly the same one with new usernames) kept getting deleted for a lack of civility and their posts were deleted as well. In my case, I was a 'doormat' and a 'cuckold' for trying to reconcile with my WW. It got pretty colorful.

 

Speaking from experience, the trick with LS is to take what works for you and to leave the rest. But be careful to not disregard the opinions of those who disagree with you the most. You won't get much out of this place by only listening to those that have the same opinions as you, you know? You might actually get the most out of discussions with those people with whom you initially disagree.

 

I also agree with you (from a previous post) that pretty much none of us like to look very closely at the mistakes we've made, especially when they're doosies. It takes some courage to just put it out there and let the judgments come. I consider it a good practice environment. If I say something questionable here, I'm going to get called out and have to defend it. If it's bullcrap that I'm slinging, I'll know not to try it at home. And honestly, people in affairs tell themselves all kinds of things to make their actions somehow OK even when it's against their own moral standards. This is a great place to have those rationalizations questioned so you can recognize and avoid those same thought-processes in the future. Being willing to discuss it, analyze it, and he introspective may also help your husband feel more confident that he won't suffer a reoccurence. Having an affair is much like engaging in any other unhealthy coping mechanism (alcohol, drugs, sex, etc). Knowing why you tend to choose that coping mechanism is helpful.

 

Anyway, enough rambling. Good luck.

[BetrayedH]

No. Re-read what I said - it means that those of us that have been around here a while, have read these same stories dozens and dozens of times and seen what works and what doesn't. That is simple mathematics and historical fact.

 

 

What I say is not nonsense. I am not bitter about anything - even the fact that my first marriage ended when I found my 25-year old husband having sex with another man. Sure, I have been cheated on - but I am not bitter about it now, 25 years later.

 

Great post. Personally, I don't have an issue with embracing the 'bitter' term because yes, I'm pretty bitter about what my wife did. However, I'm also smart enough to know that the OP here is not actually my exwife and that not all situations are like my own. My situation is simply anecdotal and I can differentiate. Interestingly enough, everybody here has a personal set of experiences that in some way shapes their views. Is everyone's opinion then to be summarily dismissed? My recommendation is that we focus on the content of someone's argument instead. But I also concur with carrie that sometimes it's wise to listen to those that have been there, done that ad nauseum.

[KaliLove]

Im not asking for pity from anyone and i dont feel it for myself, so you're very wrong there. I feel sad. Sad that i cheated on my husband. Sad that im obviously in need of help to sort my life out. It has been nice to hear the encouraging posts, which have given me hope while im in a very dark place right now. However other people seem fixated upon trying to making me feel even more guilty and unhappy. Strange.

 

There's a huge difference between trying to make someone feel bad and trying to get them to face their problems, which is what I've been doing. I don't know you from a hole in the wall..what would be the purpose of me intentionally trying to make you feel bad?

 

So..why do you want to stay with your abusive husband? Having been emotionally abused by my exH myself, I always like to encourage other abuse victims to try to extricate themselves from their negative situations.

[whichwayisup]

I say, only respond/reply to those posters whom you feel are helpful to you. Completely ignore and don't react to the ones who are puffing out their chests and wanting to force you to 'hear' their opinion.

 

I read on the previous page you were relieved that he had ended it and aren't looking to restart the affair (again). My question to you is, how are you going to prepare yourself and get strong enough in case he changes his mind and/or plays games with you for an ego feed? Are you able to ignore him and walk away without being tempted or sucked back in?

[Kittiecat41]

I say, only respond/reply to those posters whom you feel are helpful to you. Completely ignore and don't react to the ones who are puffing out their chests and wanting to force you to 'hear' their opinion.

 

I read on the previous page you were relieved that he had ended it and aren't looking to restart the affair (again). My question to you is, how are you going to prepare yourself and get strong enough in case he changes his mind and/or plays games with you for an ego feed? Are you able to ignore him and walk away without being tempted or sucked back in?

 

That is a very good point. At the moment i am trying to work out how to deal with that. Someone made an excellent point earlier in saying that i was more in love with the way he made me feel about myself so yes, it was an ego trip for both of us. He is very angry at me for saying he used me, but i dont know if he will calm down and change his mind and come looking for sex again.

I am determined not to allow this to happen and have decided to completely avoid him or be strictly professional from now on. We were very close friends in the workplace and others are bound to realise what has happened but i think it is the only way forward.

[A.Moscote]

"...but i dont know if he will calm down and change his mind and come looking for sex again."

You do know the probability of that happening don't you? So please be very careful and always remind yourself of how wrong it is (from many perspectives) to yield to his quest.

 

Contemplate the questions posted by whichwayisup properly and as soon as possible. Plan your actions, and keep on reading and seeking for advices.

 

One way I would suggest is to make your husband directly involves in this resistance. Two people who loves each other working together would have a higher chance to make it out than just one person struggling alone. Of course there's a risk that he might know the whole thing.

 

Last but not least, be strong in reading through the posts. Try to set your mind into retrieving mode rather than receiving mode. Perhaps by that you could take the constructive points and left out the lashes.

[Kittiecat41]

"...but i dont know if he will calm down and change his mind and come looking for sex again."

You do know the probability of that happening don't you? So please be very careful and always remind yourself of how wrong it is (from many perspectives) to yield to his quest.

 

Contemplate the questions posted by whichwayisup properly and as soon as possible. Plan your actions, and keep on reading and seeking for advices.

 

One way I would suggest is to make your husband directly involves in this resistance. Two people who loves each other working together would have a higher chance to make it out than just one person struggling alone. Of course there's a risk that he might know the whole thing.

 

 

 

Last but not least, be strong in reading through the posts. Try to set your mind into retrieving mode rather than receiving mode. Perhaps by that you could take the constructive points and left out the lashes.

 

Thank you. I dont know how he will react in the future. He made it clear at the start of our affair that he was very very attracted to me, in fact he had chased me for months before i gave in. It was a standing joke in the office about how much he wanted me and everyone knew it. A huge ego boost for me.

So then of course i fell for him, but if he hadnt chased me it would never have happened.

I think he was getting bored and frustrated because we could only meet when my husband was out ( which isnt that often) and it was becoming inconvenient for him as he has a very busy social life and lots of hobbies.

I reckon if he isnt over me he will be soon. But of course the sex was fabulous and no doubt if he doesnt miss me he will miss that. Well i am not going to provide it for him.

In reality there were an awful lot of aspects of his personality and dealings with other colleagues that i didnt like. He is not someone who you would like to get on the wrong side of and i am quite worried about him turning on me now. I couldnt bear it to turn ugly like that.

In reality outside the fog i can see that my husband is a much nicer, kinder person and is better looking too! I think i allowed it to happen because after 13 years with my husband i got bored and gave in to temptation because it felt exciting. And now even though i feel resolved not to let it happen again, i feel as if all the excitement has been sucked out of my life in one fell swoop.

Edited April 13, 2014 by Kittiecat41

[A.Moscote]

A person who desire you that much, ego boost, and fabulous sex. Those are very enticing elements and could have tempt him again, and you as well. Again be very careful and aware.

 

Learn everything possible from the past mistakes and experience. The whats and hows that lead to you slipping down e.g. specific events at work, the timing, his actions and vibes through the day. It's important that you recognize and be wise about them as a way of guarding yourself.

 

As in your post, the time around when your husband is away is very critical (and the reason why I think it is better if your husband is more involves in this). Try to get yourself busy with friends and family. Obviously he should never know when your husband is away.

 

Sorry if all this makes you sound frail, not my intention, just that our heart and emotion are very fluctuating. There will be times when we are down and vulnerable and that's when the illicit advances seems so irresistible.

 

I hope you will be strong and honest. Don't worry too much about the excitement, you and your husband will have a lot of time to work on that. But only if you manage to guard yourself from your AP first.

[Kittiecat41]

A person who desire you that much, ego boost, and fabulous sex. Those are very enticing elements and could have tempt him again, and you as well. Again be very careful and aware.

 

Learn everything possible from the past mistakes and experience. The whats and hows that lead to you slipping down e.g. specific events at work, the timing, his actions and vibes through the day. It's important that you recognize and be wise about them as a way of guarding yourself.

 

As in your post, the time around when your husband is away is very critical (and the reason why I think it is better if your husband is more involves in this). Try to get yourself busy with friends and family. Obviously he should never know when your husband is away.

 

Sorry if all this makes you sound frail, not my intention, just that our heart and emotion are very fluctuating. There will be times when we are down and vulnerable and that's when the illicit advances seems so irresistible.

 

I hope you will be strong and honest. Don't worry too much about the excitement, you and your husband will have a lot of time to work on that. But only if you manage to guard yourself from your AP first.

 

Thank you for your reply. I AM frail, i admit that freely. Your advice is good. Things are going to be so hard. I wish i had thought through all the dreadful consequences of this affair before being so stupid as to get involved.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your reply. I AM frail, i admit that freely. Your advice is good. Things are going to be so hard. I wish i had thought through all the dreadful consequences of this affair before being so stupid as to get involved.

 

Now you know, so when he does his 180 (and he will) you can make your plan on how to stay away from him, not spend any time alone talking personal talk. You don't owe him anything so no need to explain why you're ignoring him.

 

At work, be professional. Your own reputation is at risk!

 

At home, focus on your husband. Time to go out on a few dates and put energy into him. Tell him what you need and expect from him and ask him what he expects and needs from you. If you put more energy into your marriage and reconnect with your H, things will get better.

[hard2c]

Let's face the facts women have the power to use their sexuality to get what they want. Even worse, in a relationship, they're usually the ones who decide when, where and how often you're going to engage in sex.

 

some women view sex as for monogamous relationships only others use it as a scratch my back and I'll scratch yours barter system. Not only is this unfair it's unethical.

[DKT3]

Let's face the facts women have the power to use their sexuality to get what they want. Even worse, in a relationship, they're usually the ones who decide when, where and how often you're going to engage in sex.

 

some women view sex as for monogamous relationships only others use it as a scratch my back and I'll scratch yours barter system. Not only is this unfair it's unethical.

 

I strongly disagree with this.

 

I think women in relationship control sex because they feel the man isn't holding his end. Maybe he doesn't help around the house or with the kids. Maybe he isn't being the leader he should be. Maybe he isn't there for her emotionally. Maybe he isn't romantic or make her feel sexy. Then there is the sex itself. Maybe he is a selfish lover and never thinks of her first.

 

When going outside of the relationship for women its rarely ever about sex. It could be sexual in nature but not the act itself.

 

I think so many men are missing the point on this subject. Women are as sexual as men. The disconnect is women are interested in the things that lead to sex. That being said, too many of us don't take the time or make the effort in those areas.

 

In my marriage I failed my wife, I'm ashamed to have to say that. But today Im glad I can say I f**cking get it. Not totally, I still have some work to do.

[Kittiecat41]

Now you know, so when he does his 180 (and he will) you can make your plan on how to stay away from him, not spend any time alone talking personal talk. You don't owe him anything so no need to explain why you're ignoring him.

 

At work, be professional. Your own reputation is at risk!

 

At home, focus on your husband. Time to go out on a few dates and put energy into him. Tell him what you need and expect from him and ask him what he expects and needs from you. If you put more energy into your marriage and reconnect with your H, things will get better.

 

Whilst involved with me, he told me about all his previous failed relationships. There was always a pattern, he thought they were trying to get their hands on his money ( he has lots!) or trying to force him to commit or try to control how he spent his time, and he ended ALL his relationships. I believe his issues with women lie in the fact that he has very poor relationships with his mother and sister. He did try and get back with most of his exes but they were usually miles away by then congratulating themselves on their lucky escape no doubt! . I am not sure if he will try this with me though, as we are in the workplace.

Right now, the fog is lifting rapidly. Ive spent a wonderful weekend with my husband and i feel like we are reconnecting. Im starting to see things about him again that made me fall for him 13 years ago.

Edited April 13, 2014 by Kittiecat41

[gettingstronger]

Right now, the fog is lifting rapidly. Ive spent a wonderful weekend with my husband and i feel like we are reconnecting. Im starting to see things about him again that made me fall for him 13 years ago.

 

 

Yeah! Remember there will be ups and downs and times when you continue to question yourself and your choices-it can not be rainbows and sunshine all the time- do not be tempted to go down that old path again-remember, if you are going to go through rough times might as well be with the person you truly love rather than someone thats no good for you!

[Artie Lang]

i might've missed it, but are you/have you told your husband the whole truth yet?

 

i just don't think you can move forward omitting your most recent encounter.

[Kittiecat41]

Right now, the fog is lifting rapidly. Ive spent a wonderful weekend with my husband and i feel like we are reconnecting. Im starting to see things about him again that made me fall for him 13 years ago.

 

 

Yeah! Remember there will be ups and downs and times when you continue to question yourself and your choices-it can not be rainbows and sunshine all the time- do not be tempted to go down that old path again-remember, if you are going to go through rough times might as well be with the person you truly love rather than someone thats no good for you!

 

I know! I still see the things that irritate me but i think, i hope i can see a new future ahead for us. When i think about it deeply i see a man who, despite his faults really loves me and i am so lucky to have him. I just need to work on deserving him again.

[DKT3]

I know! I still see the things that irritate me but i think, i hope i can see a new future ahead for us. When i think about it deeply i see a man who, despite his faults really loves me and i am so lucky to have him. I just need to work on deserving him again.

 

I believe that you really want to make it better. However, as a BH I can tell you its better to get all the ugly truth out NOW and build from the bottom up. What is likely to happen is you will make progress on you building then blow it up with the truth. To many viablies that you don't control. Why risk hurting him that way again?

[thummper]

I know! I still see the things that irritate me but i think, i hope i can see a new future ahead for us. When i think about it deeply i see a man who, despite his faults really loves me and i am so lucky to have him. I just need to work on deserving him again.

 

 

Good for you, Kittiecat! Keep it up. Make hubby's life wonderful again.

[hard2c]

I strongly disagree with this.

 

I think women in relationship control sex because they feel the man isn't holding his end. Maybe he doesn't help around the house or with the kids. Maybe he isn't being the leader he should be. Maybe he isn't there for her emotionally. Maybe he isn't romantic or make her feel sexy. Then there is the sex itself. Maybe he is a selfish lover and never thinks of her first.

 

When going outside of the relationship for women its rarely ever about sex. It could be sexual in nature but not the act itself.

 

I think so many men are missing the point on this subject. Women are as sexual as men. The disconnect is women are interested in the things that lead to sex. That being said, too many of us don't take the time or make the effort in those areas.

 

In my marriage I failed my wife, I'm ashamed to have to say that. But today Im glad I can say I f**cking get it. Not totally, I still have some work to do.

How does that apply to her boss? Kattie's boss is not the most attentive man in the world apparently. Did kattie sleep with him because never cleans up after himself, pees on the floor of the bathroom and doesn’t bother cleaning it up, stays out late with the boys at strip clubs and doesn’t bother calling to tell his wife where he is? sorry but what does your post have to say about kattie's torrid affair with her boss, ohh wait... Could it be job security, power and position.

[DKT3]

How does that apply to her boss? Kattie's boss is not the most attentive man in the world apparently. Did kattie sleep with him because never cleans up after himself, pees on the floor of the bathroom and doesn’t bother cleaning it up, stays out late with the boys at strip clubs and doesn’t bother calling to tell his wife where he is? sorry but what does your post have to say about kattie's torrid affair with her boss, ohh wait... Could it be job security, power and position.

 

He filled the voids, he made her feel sexy and beautify. That attention is what she needed, sex is what he wanted. She may not have wanted the sex but in order to get what she wanted she had to give what he wanted.

[hard2c]

He filled the voids, he made her feel sexy and beautify. That attention is what she needed, sex is what he wanted. She may not have wanted the sex but in order to get what she wanted she had to give what he wanted.

touché ol boy!

[JourneyLady]

He filled the voids, he made her feel sexy and beautify. That attention is what she needed, sex is what he wanted. She may not have wanted the sex but in order to get what she wanted she had to give what he wanted.

 

Totally right in most cases. That's a woman's emotional need and too often, if it's not met by her husband, some guy is going to key into that. It leaves us vulnerable if we're taking care of our end of the relationship and the husband acts as if we're in the way.

 

I had an online affair, I'm ashamed to say. (Today I don't know that woman!) An old, heavy, white-haired man who would have been totally unacceptable in person. But he made me feel lovely and beautiful even though I was overweight and neglected by ex-hubs. Unlike most, I didn't hide it and ex-hubs put up with it... I was on the verge of ending it permanently when ex-hubs had his revenge affair and left me to be with her. (I wanted to repair the marriage - he didn't.)

 

Lost my best friend and have not found a replacement... yet. (It's been seven years...)

 

OP, this is the voice of experience talking...