BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 (edited) I have no courage at all. A ten year illness left me unable to make brave, major life changing decisions. So then why are the judgments of random people on the internet too much for you to take? And you *cannot* tell you husband the truth? Because you're courageous? Edited April 12, 2014 by BetrayedH 2
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 You deserve a life, go get it!! This is a typical wayward rationalization. "I deserve to be happy" followed by a bunch of selfish behavior. How about we ask what the husband deserves? 3
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 I am getting rather tired of having to justify myself to some of you. I dont have to do that and i dont have to explain myself to you. Im sure none of you are perfect! Stop attacking me. Ive had enough.
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 So then why are the judgments of random people on the internet too much for you to take? And you *cannot* tell you husband the truth? Because you're courageous? Thank you for your input, but i dont really want any more of your personal attacks. I never said i was courageous. Your posts are something akin to trolling for me.
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Thank you for your input, but i dont really want any more of your personal attacks. I never said i was courageous. Your posts are something akin to trolling for me. They really aren't personal attacks. I am trying to get you to stop lying to yourself. You came here out of a crisis of conscience. I am trying to give you straight-up objective thoughts on your situation. What you have been doing has not been working for you, right? This is a perfectly safe place to seek an objective third-party perspective and to start to question your own rationalizations that got you into this scenario in the first place. Being honest with yourself really is the first step towards healing - both for yourself and your husband. I am not trying to beat you up. I really don't care about your past mistakes. I have made PLENTY of them and they are well documented here. I am just trying to open up your mind to something beyond what has been harmful to you and your marriage in the past. There IS a better way. You may not get it, but I have nothing but your best interests at heart here. You CAN do better than this. 6
Waverly Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 I am getting rather tired of having to justify myself to some of you. I dont have to do that and i dont have to explain myself to you. Im sure none of you are perfect! Stop attacking me. Ive had enough. I agree that some of the responses here have been way too harsh. I, too, am married, had an affair, and haven't told my husband yet, so no judgment from me. I've been on the receiving end of some hurtfully worded "advice" here, and try to just remind myself that it's most likely coming from someone who has been deeply hurt by infidelity. It's lashing out, and I don't agree with treating people like that, but it's actually nothing to do with me personally (or you). Much easier said than done, but try not to let it get to you. I'm sorry you have to continue to work with your xAP. If changing jobs isn't an option, then I agree with the advice to just hold your head up high, do your job, and try to move on with your life. It'll be hard for a while, but the crying fits in the ladies will get less and less frequent. Just give it some time. Your marriage is another issue. I don't even know if you're looking for advice there, and it sounds like there are a lot of issues for you to consider. Just take care of yourself, ok? Let us know if we can help.
KaliLove Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 I am getting rather tired of having to justify myself to some of you. I dont have to do that and i dont have to explain myself to you. Im sure none of you are perfect! Stop attacking me. Ive had enough. Nobody is claiming to be perfect, but then again, we aren't talking about ourselves, we're talking about you, so it doesn't really matter. Not telling you exactly what you want to hear is not attacking. You're concentrating so much on getting defensive that you're not listening to what anyone is saying. Nobody but you can clean up the mess you've made. Your attitude smacks of entitlement, self-pity, and a refusal to take responsibility for what you've done. Even the title of your thread lacks a sense of responsibility. You feel like your world has been torn apart..well you are the one who tore it apart, and you are the one who needs to clean it up. There are no magical answers here. Until you acknowledge your mistakes and own up to them, you're going to continue to live in fear. You still haven't said why you are so desperate to stay in an abusive marriage. 6
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 They really aren't personal attacks. I am trying to get you to stop lying to yourself. You came here out of a crisis of conscience. I am trying to give you straight-up objective thoughts on your situation. What you have been doing has not been working for you, right? This is a perfectly safe place to seek an objective third-party perspective and to start to question your own rationalizations that got you into this scenario in the first place. Being honest with yourself really is the first step towards healing - both for yourself and your husband. I am not trying to beat you up. I really don't care about your past mistakes. I have made PLENTY of them and they are well documented here. I am just trying to open up your mind to something beyond what has been harmful to you and your marriage in the past. There IS a better way. You may not get it, but I have nothing but your best interests at heart here. You CAN do better than this. Thank you. I suppose that its natural to not want to look too closely at your own failings. I really need to think a lot about this. Im still trying to deal with the end of the affair, the realisation of what i did to my marriage and the fact that i allowed it to happen in the first place. 1
petee Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Some people on here have an Axe to grind and take such an elevated moral high ground. Stick as is, rebuild and move on. Don't fester yourself into being a moralistic victim and do NOT waste another second of your life....onwards and upwards and everything will eventually come good. If you believe it can happen then I'm sure it will. Filter the people here that want you to scorch the earth you've travelled over. 1
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 Nobody is claiming to be perfect, but then again, we aren't talking about ourselves, we're talking about you, so it doesn't really matter. Not telling you exactly what you want to hear is not attacking. You're concentrating so much on getting defensive that you're not listening to what anyone is saying. Nobody but you can clean up the mess you've made. Your attitude smacks of entitlement, self-pity, and a refusal to take responsibility for what you've done. Even the title of your thread lacks a sense of responsibility. You feel like your world has been torn apart..well you are the one who tore it apart, and you are the one who needs to clean it up. There are no magical answers here. Until you acknowledge your mistakes and own up to them, you're going to continue to live in fear. You still haven't said why you are so desperate to stay in an abusive marriage. Im not asking for pity from anyone and i dont feel it for myself, so you're very wrong there. I feel sad. Sad that i cheated on my husband. Sad that im obviously in need of help to sort my life out. It has been nice to hear the encouraging posts, which have given me hope while im in a very dark place right now. However other people seem fixated upon trying to making me feel even more guilty and unhappy. Strange.
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 Some people on here have an Axe to grind and take such an elevated moral high ground. Stick as is, rebuild and move on. Don't fester yourself into being a moralistic victim and do NOT waste another second of your life....onwards and upwards and everything will eventually come good. If you believe it can happen then I'm sure it will. Filter the people here that want you to scorch the earth you've travelled over. Thank you pete, can i actually filter them out? Its not that i dont want to hear the ugly truth but some people appear to be trolling me. 1
DKT3 Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Could it be you won't leave your job because its the only way you can be sure of having some kind of contact with the OM? My wifes therapist told her if there was even a slight chance that I could find out the details of her affair its best it comes from her. There is a chance that we could get 4 or 5 years down the road and then I find other details then you'll lose every thing you have worked so hard on. 1
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 Could it be you won't leave your job because its the only way you can be sure of having some kind of contact with the OM? My wifes therapist told her if there was even a slight chance that I could find out the details of her affair its best it comes from her. There is a chance that we could get 4 or 5 years down the road and then I find other details then you'll lose every thing you have worked so hard on. That is going to be the hardest part. I NEVER intend to restart this affair, but this is such a great job. Great hours, excellent pay, the rest of the staff are great people, so i feel like i want to try and soldier on and not let him push me out of a job i love. My husband has stated quite clearly he does not want me to leave my job. 1
CarrieT Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Thank you pete, can i actually filter them out? Its not that i dont want to hear the ugly truth but some people appear to be trolling me. I don't see anybody within your thread actually trolling you. I do see people asking you hard questions that you may not want to answer. Part of coming to sites like this is getting many sides of a puzzle addressed and there will definitely be people who were involved in affairs who are still bitter about their own experiences involved. But you cannot filter out every opinion to just hear those suggestions and advice that align with your current beliefs. Much of the repair process will need to involve you looking at and listening to advice that may be hard for you. In reading others' posts, you might want to look at their "Join Date" and the number of posts they have accumulated. For example, people like me have been around here for a while... That means we have seen and heard these stories over-and-over-and-over and may have a deeper understanding of how these stories play out and are also accustomed to hearing some of the same excuses over-and-over-and-over again. We don't intend to personally attack, but oftentimes we may say things harshly to shock someone into seeing an aspect of their actions or situation differently. You are possibly still in a version of "Affair Fog" that is clouding your judgement. 7
petee Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Keep your job, reflect on the how/why it happened and have the scenarios thought through just in case. Easy? Most definitely not, but achievable? I think so, just understand that you are in for the long haul. If your husband was ready to forgive you for what he knew then, then FORGET any idea of telling him what he doesn't need to know. Get all the talking done, for once and for all. And then agree between you both that it is never to be mentioned again if you are to put it behind you for good. Easier said than done, and that stage may not come quickly, but at some point agree on a point where you only look forwards. 1
petee Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Check when people joined? Does that mean somebody who recently has no life experience? Chose the advice carefully, those that have been here for years could all be bitter. I retract that statement because it is clearly nonsense. 1
DKT3 Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 That is going to be the hardest part. I NEVER intend to restart this affair, but this is such a great job. Great hours, excellent pay, the rest of the staff are great people, so i feel like i want to try and soldier on and not let him push me out of a job i love. My husband has stated quite clearly he does not want me to leave my job. You husband made that decision with some of the info, I hardly believe he would be ok if he knew the whole truth. This is a good place to start, finding another job that is. Truth be told staying there also makes the odds of him finding out more truth is higher. Not to mention you will likely restart the affair as soon as OM turns his attention back towards you. I'm sure you don't intent on starting again, I'm also sure you didn't intent to start the first time. Why would it be any different? You reallly haven't owned doing it the first time, your husband doesn't really know about it. Nothing has changed other then the OM backed off. 3
miguelcervantes Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 I am not going to tell my husband the affair continued for a few weeks after he found out. That was horrendous enough and nearly killed me. I couldnt face ending the affair straight away as i was emotionally and physically drained from the fallout of the revelation. honestly, all that is important now is that is is OVER. I might add that my husband actually had a new " appreciation" of me, in a strange way, if you will. He actually treats me with more civility and respect now and doesnt pour out vile verbal abuse on a regular basis. Does the bolded/underlined part above suggest that having an affair might make a supposedly abusive husband (who forgave your first affair by the way) a better person. Does this not sound a little bit ludicrous or farcical (trying not to use rude words so as not to upset moderators here) ? And I don't believe that you are being trolled in anyway - you have come onto a forum that deals with infidelity and how to cope with it and there are some seasoned posters here who have now seen infidelity from just about every angle, giving you advice. You have cheated on both your husbands more than once per husband. I am assuming that you really want to improve yourself because without this you can not really hope for happiness in relationships going forward. At the moment you are what many would call a serial cheater. Having been forgiven by your current husband, you went ahead and betrayed his trust again. The seasoned advisers here have all told you that telling him about this and asking his forgiveness again is the right thing and the fair thing to do. Is this trolling to cause you more pain ? No - it is the right thing to do and good advice for the long term improved you. Anyone who suggests otherwise might be less experienced or in fact a troll themselves. I have given you advice in a previous post about owning what you did and basically about exposing the predator OM (he is in a position of power and seems to have exploited this) - again the right and fair thing to do would be to shut him down. Of course you don't have to take anyone's advice but I am assuming this is what you came to this board for - to listen to the collective advice being given and then make your choice. Filtering out the hard stuff will not help you. 6
petee Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 We are dancing around handbags here. Get on with the rest of your life, accept which ever piece of advice you like, but as I've said there are some here that just want you to take your husband through needless pain, possibly because they've experienced it. Only you know if you'll be tempted again, but I reckon not. Onwards and upwards, don't linger on every single word by every single poster.....some of them are here to distort logic and reason for their own reasons. Make this work!! 1
DKT3 Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 We are dancing around handbags here. Get on with the rest of your life, accept which ever piece of advice you like, but as I've said there are some here that just want you to take your husband through needless pain, possibly because they've experienced it. Only you know if you'll be tempted again, but I reckon not. Onwards and upwards, don't linger on every single word by every single poster.....some of them are here to distort logic and reason for their own reasons. Make this work!! If she was indifferent about OM then I could see your point. She isn't, she is in the "fog" and still very much wants to be with the OM. I think she should do what's best for her, but she has to know there will be a price to pay. If anyone knows about this, there is a good chance in time her husband will know. Is it best she be the way he finds out or having someone she works with, the OM wife or finding some more texts and emails? 1
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 If she was indifferent about OM then I could see your point. She isn't, she is in the "fog" and still very much wants to be with the OM. I think she should do what's best for her, but she has to know there will be a price to pay. If anyone knows about this, there is a good chance in time her husband will know. Is it best she be the way he finds out or having someone she works with, the OM wife or finding some more texts and emails? I dont ever remember saying I still really wanted to be with the OM. In fact, two days after the end of the affair, I am thoroughly glad this man dumped me unceremoniously. I didnt have the guts to end it and Im very glad he did. Because Im in a stage of grief at the loss of an intimate relationship (inappropriate as it was) does not mean I still want to be with the OM. That is a plain assumption. 1
DKT3 Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 I dont ever remember saying I still really wanted to be with the OM. In fact, two days after the end of the affair, I am thoroughly glad this man dumped me unceremoniously. I didnt have the guts to end it and Im very glad he did. Because Im in a stage of grief at the loss of an intimate relationship (inappropriate as it was) does not mean I still want to be with the OM. That is a plain assumption. Its more then assumption, its putting together what you said. OM slowed in his attention you then went looking for his attention. You say you wanteed it over yet you went looking for it. Upon pressure he dumped you. Two days ago you wanted him today you don't? That is hardly easy to believe. It didn't just start being wrong, it was wrong the whole time. My point is NOTHING has changed except OM. So when he turns his attention back what do you do? All of the fomula is still there.
Author Kittiecat41 Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 Its more then assumption, its putting together what you said. OM slowed in his attention you then went looking for his attention. You say you wanteed it over yet you went looking for it. Upon pressure he dumped you. Two days ago you wanted him today you don't? That is hardly easy to believe. It didn't just start being wrong, it was wrong the whole time. My point is NOTHING has changed except OM. So when he turns his attention back what do you do? All of the fomula is still there. You seem to have overlooked the possibility that I might have some pride. I do NOT run back to men who have dumped me, especially not lowlife creeps like him.
2sunny Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Thank you so much for your reply and it does make sense but its not practical to switch jobs right now and i dont think i should let him intimidate me into doing this. I suppose i am asking for a way to cope. I have managed to salvage my marriage and consider myself extremely lucky to have been able to do so. Salvaged your marriage how? Be specific. The only way to START saving the M is to get a new job.
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 Thank you pete, can i actually filter them out? Its not that i dont want to hear the ugly truth but some people appear to be trolling me. Click on "My Profile" in the upper left and then "Edit Ignore List." 1
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