Feel like my world has been torn apart

[italianjob]

Sorry, I might be misreading something, but I don't understand:

- Your OM made you feel "like a queen", while your husband was abusing you verbally on a regular basis, yet you made it clear to OM from the beginning that you would never leave your husband... Why?

- Your abusive husband found out (you didn't confess, is it correct?), yet this abusive H just forgave you and it looks like he didn't even try to make sure the affair was really over.

- The OM who was treating you "like a queen" dumped you unceremoniously.

Something doesn't quite add up in the behaviour patterns you described IMO.

[darkmoon]

if the guy at work is in your system, which I think is the problem, you are going to have to get him out of your system for your feelings to subside, I urge tact and to spare your husband's feelings by not confessing, overall the least said the better, somebody might tell me I am terrible, but no good can come of discussing the subject from what I can see, just a husband's hurt feelings

[jnel921]

Just because a dirty old man thinks you are pretty and because his pay grade is a few steps higher than you is not reason enough to spread them.

 

You didn't want to end this but I am sure your immaturity made it easy for him to target you. You are M. You don't say why you hurt your H and the status of your M.

 

You should try to get another job or switch departments. I am afraid when he gets another itch you may go ahead and scratch it.

[jellybean89]

I have managed to salvage my marriage and consider myself extremely lucky to have been able to do so.

 

How did YOU salvage your marriage? You didn't do anything to salvage it. You were caught cheating and then continued cheating even after your H found out. The affair would still be going on had the MM not dumped you.

 

I wanted to end the affair when my husband found out. But a combination of cowardice and being frightened in case the guy made life difficult for me stopped me. And if truth be told, i enjoyed the thrill of the excitement of seeing him, and being flattered and seemingly adored by him. Most likely the hideously insecure part of me fed upon that.

To those who had good constructive kind words, thank you. I appreciate your input immensly.

To those who judged me as a slut who couldnt keep her legs shut, i thank you also for your input and am pleased you have never found yourselves in an unfortunate situation like this. I would have been just as judgemental before i found myself in this situation.

There are no winners in an affair, and i have found this out the hard way.

 

But you did NOT end the affair. The affair only ended because you were dumped by the MM.

 

Not one single person called you a "sl*t".

 

I do not see any remorse in your posts about the affair. The fact that you allowed it to continue shows that the affair would still be going on had the MM not ended it.

 

What happens the next time some guy at work compliments you?

 

i did not have the strength to end it although i was very unhappy about it

What does it mean that you didn't have enough strength to end the affair? What does that mean? From what you posted, I don't see any indication you ever wanted to end the affair. You are trash talking the MM now that you aren't being woo'd by him - calling him all kinds of names and making disparaging remarks about him. Why?

 

how long was the affair? What does it mean you were unhappy about the affair? Why would you continue having sex with someone if you were unhappy about it?

 

I feel bad for your husband. He has no idea his wife continued to deceive him and would probably still be deceiving him had the MM not gotten bored or whatever and ended the affair. Does your H know you work with this guy? There is no way he can be happy about you continuing to work with him.

[JourneyLady]

It might be good to remember that someone who cheats rarely reforms in the dark, and being insulting and snide would certainly keep others from wanting to come clean and get help. I see responses that indicate the impossibility of trying to get help from someone who cannot possibly imagine themselves in the shoes of any particular poster.

 

OP, have a look at Marriage Builders (their books, not the forums for they are much worse) and follow instructions there. As well there are videos on youtube. They offer hope for damaged marriages. As well, the man who came up with the program, together with his wife, acknowledges that without good boundaries, we are all wired to cheat under the right circumstances. The trick is to learn good boundaries and never put yourself in those circumstances.

 

You had an emotional need and this OM was meeting that need for you. A need that apparently was not getting met at home, or met enough to suit you. You and your husband need to learn how to meet each others needs so that no one goes emotionally or physically hungry. I personally think it is a good program and far more clear about how to affair-proof marriages than anything I've read. (And I've read a lot!)

 

Good luck and see to those boundaries!

[Artie Lang]

I am not going to tell my husband the affair continued for a few weeks after he found out.

 

then everything you just posted about loving your husband, being appreciative of hid forgiveness, and wanting to try and make it work are just words... nothing more. where's the honesty?

 

sounds to me like you're in self-preservation mode, more so than actually wanting to make things work out in your marriage- 1) you refuse to be completely honest with your husband and 2) you are doing nothing to change your workplace situation.

 

are you at least contemplating looking for another job instead of just up and quitting?

Edited April 12, 2014 by Artie Lang

[MuddyFootprints]

Yes, your world is being torn apart.

 

What comes next is complete and utter destruction.

 

That will take total honesty.

 

You have not salvaged your marriage. Not yet.

 

It takes more than tearing down a few walls. It will take both of you digging deep to discover the strengths and weaknesses in the foundation of your relationship.

 

It takes knowing how badly you both want your marriage to thrive and understanding the commitment it will take to rebuild.

 

It won't be like renovating a kitchen.

[Kittiecat41]

Thank you. I have had some good advice and now wish to close this thread. To those who were non judgemental i thank you. To those who simply enjoyed the opportunity to be morally superior, watch out. You may not always be the person you want to be in life and then people will judge YOU.

[DKT3]

Thank you. I have had some good advice and now wish to close this thread. To those who were non judgemental i thank you. To those who simply enjoyed the opportunity to be morally superior, watch out. You may not always be the person you want to be in life and then people will judge YOU.

 

Don't run away. Keep posting, at the least this can be an outlet.

 

Sure some will push you into being uncomfortable maybe even too judgemental. Keep in mind most of us have been on one side or the other. Everyone here really wants to help in their own way. Their way may not be right, we're not a board full of therapist. But everyone is trying to heal find their way and help others do the same.

 

Stay it can help

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much for your reply and it does make sense but its not practical to switch jobs right now and i dont think i should let him intimidate me into doing this.

I suppose i am asking for a way to cope.

I have managed to salvage my marriage and consider myself extremely lucky to have been able to do so.

 

This is not about him, this is about you...And your husband. Do you think your husband likes the fact you're still working there, seeing the OM daily, even though the A is over? Though, your H thought it ended a while ago and it never did, though it seems the A is over now.

 

If your H had an A, would you be able to trust him again knowing he'd still see the OW daily? my guess is no.

[whichwayisup]

I know my posts have not mentioned how this has affected my husband but i do believe i need to sort myself out before i can honestly put my heart and soul into repairing the damage i have caused.

I also have a new appreciation for my husband as a man as i now have first hand experience of just how callous some men can be. A lot of you will find this post insincere and tear me to shreds but thats ok. I didnt come here for sympathy, just some advice on how to deal with the results of a terrible mistake of my own making, and many of you have done that. I thank you all.

 

Work on letting go of the OM. You built him up to be someone he isn't. He was fake at work and this ego affair fed both of your ego's. it's over and he's a real shi.t, his true colours have come out. DO NOT allow yourself to think you fell in love with him, you didn't. You fell in love with how he made you feel.

 

Don't leave. I know some can be harsh but once the sting of all this has calmed down, do come back and just read your thread and other threads to help you. Most replies are genuine and people do care, tough love goes a long way.. Ignore any downright rude and mean posts.

 

If need be, seek counseling to sort yourself out. You relied on another man to make you feel good and to feel good about yourself and you got caught up in it all.

 

Office gossip can be brutal, especially so since you say your office is a small group. Chances are some know or have assumed something happened between you and OM.

 

Talk to a trusted friend or a family member. You need someone to talk to and also someone who can just supportive and kind to you during this time.

[violet1]

Thank you. I have had some good advice and now wish to close this thread. To those who were non judgemental i thank you. To those who simply enjoyed the opportunity to be morally superior, watch out. You may not always be the person you want to be in life and then people will judge YOU.

I'm sorry you feel attacked. I agree that some of the posts were way too harsh. I think people forget that the WS has feelings too. I've done the same things you've done and I know how you feel.

[Darren Steez]

Thank you so much for your reply and it does make sense but its not practical to switch jobs right now and i dont think i should let him intimidate me into doing this.

I suppose i am asking for a way to cope.

I have managed to salvage my marriage and consider myself extremely lucky to have been able to do so.

 

No you didn't salvage anything, you were "too weak" to end it remember. He ended it. When he's back for seconds you'll be "too weak" again. Does your husband know it's your boss? He's ok with you working with OM?

 

I doubt you'll tell your husband that you were still recently seeing the guy, again your reconciliation is already based on lies. Since you are "too weak" to resist this guy, you're only putting yourself in a risky position.

 

It's not practical to change jobs, but if you really want to put some affirmative action towards your R, then change jobs for your husband.

[Arvin_Solheim]

You are so lucky and your husband is soooo not

[fellini]

If your husband only found out yesterday, it is not reasonable to think he has actually forgiven you. He might have done something to make you feel you are off the hook, but I don't think you really are. I am not saying this because I believe you should be punished. I don't think you need to be punished. I am saying that it is quite possible your H is going to do some deeper thinking along the next few months and your marriage is clearly not as Intact as you think it is.

 

Your husband might be reacting merely as a typical BS who wants instantly to recover something that was taken from him without his permission. He might be in a kind of shock. I know I was for days before I understood the totality of my WS having a relationship with a co-worker. A year later, although we have been rebuilding our trust, I have as of yet to decide if I am going to stay or go, but not because of something my WS does, because there are strong emotional and moral issues in me pushing me to deal with them and none of these wants to stay in a marriage of 17 years after what she did to me.

 

So im saying, as a BS who is now going through his 1 year anniversary month of triggers and intrusions about the PA my WS had, this marriage is not yet determined. And I am not doing this to my WS as some kind of hostage strategy to get the upper hand. It is not me threatening her to get advantages. I kept up my end of the bargain to stay and give things a chance, and my 3 month, plus 3 month renewal have now expanded into 11 months and we have agreed to just get past anniversary DDay before we decide anything.

 

So if yesterday you told you H you didnt end it, I'd be very surprised that you got a blanket second forgiveness that isnt really a delayed reaction or a time bomb about to go off any day now.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

My spouse actually found out a couple of months ago and forgave me. He didnt know i was still seeing the OM until today. I just didnt feel able to end it.

Now things are horrendous and i still have to work with this guy.

I know im so lucky my husband forgave me and i intend to never ever do this again. I just need to know how to continue working alongside this man without wanting to run into the ladies crying every 5 minutes.

[Arieswoman]

Kittiecat,

Let's get this straight. You were in a marriage with a man who was verbally abusive,

 

I might add that my husband actually had a new " appreciation" of me, in a strange way, if you will. He actually treats me with more civility and respect now and doesnt pour out vile verbal abuse on a regular basis.

 

and instead of dealing with that you chose to feed your battered ego and prop up your low self-esteem by having an affair?

Now it's all backfired you need help to sort it all out ?

 

The only person you need to fix in this mess is yourself.

 

Firstly you need to ask yourself why you chose to stay in an abusive marriage?

You need to ask yourself why you think you should be treated badly by men?

 

You have serious issues of self-esteem and setting boundaries that need attention.

 

When you have worked on yourself, then you will be ready to continue with your marriage.

 

I would suggest you move out of the matrimonial home and get your head sorted out by IC.

[Trep]

Thank you so much for your reply and it does make sense but its not practical to switch jobs right now and i dont think i should let him intimidate me into doing this.

I suppose i am asking for a way to cope.

I have managed to salvage my marriage and consider myself extremely lucky to have been able to do so.

 

I wouldn't really consider this salvaging your marriage since you're still lying and deceiving your husband. You really should confess that the affair continued.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Trep

[Kittiecat41]

I am not going to tell my husband that the affair continued until now.

That is not on the table.

I hurt him once and i just cant face hurting him again. He has moved on ( seemingly) and i think he has processed the hurt and shock. I *cannot* reopen these wounds.

[KaliLove]

Why do you stay with a verbally abusive husband?

[BetrayedH]

Thank you. I have had some good advice and now wish to close this thread. To those who were non judgemental i thank you. To those who simply enjoyed the opportunity to be morally superior, watch out. You may not always be the person you want to be in life and then people will judge YOU.

 

Are you really afraid of defending your positions with anonymous people on the internet? What the hell does our judgment matter to you? So you're really going to run away? Seriously, being conflict-avoidant and allowing cowardice and fear to control your decisions is a huge part of your problem. Stand up and defend yourself. And if your decisions cannot be defended, then stop defending them and look inward at what you can change. Most of the posters here are actually focused on what you are choosing to do moving forward. If you can defend those decisions and feel good about them then that's great. If you can't, then keep up with an intellectual dialogue until you do find positions that you can defend and feel good about. Of course no one here is going to give you a medal for your past behaviors. Did you really expect that? So focus on what you're going to do now. If you are going to keep lying and deceiving, you should expect that it's going to be tough to defend. Is that a surprise? If you can't defend it, maybe you should rethink it. What good does running away do? If you can't get some courage with anonymous internet posters, good luck with finding the courage to make the hard decisions in real life. You should consider us a test run for how to deal with your real-life husband. He's going to be the tougher scenario, right? Quit this pattern of taking the easier option.

[BetrayedH]

I am not going to tell my husband that the affair continued until now.

That is not on the table.

I hurt him once and i just cant face hurting him again. He has moved on ( seemingly) and i think he has processed the hurt and shock. I *cannot* reopen these wounds.

 

This is all about a lack of courage. If you had troubles in your marriage, your choices were to fix them or leave the marriage. You chose neither of those difficult choices and instead chose the easier route of having an affair. You didn't have the courage to stop your affair. You didn't have the courage to confess. And now you still don't have the courage to tell him the truth that he deserves. You don't even have the courage to have an intellectual discussion about it with anonymous people that couldn't hurt you if they tried. Do you see a pattern here?

 

The right thing to do is almost always obvious. It just takes courage. The right thing to do is rarely the easy thing to do. Are you going to start finding some courage or will you continue to take the easier routes? This pattern is hurting people you are supposed to care about.

[petee]

I disagree, you've hurt him enough. Its a case of scratching a scab off for no reason. I said this a while back to Sophie, be careful of some of the advice here; there are some here that are trolling......trying to get you into as much hurt and pain as possible.

Lesson learnt? Not going to be so weak and feable again? Its time to pull your socks up, regain YOUR life and start living again. Fall in love/lust etc with your husband, go right back to courting again and find those little cracks and fill them in.

You deserve a life, go get it!!

Edited April 12, 2014 by petee

[Kittiecat41]

This is all about a lack of courage. If you had troubles in your marriage, your choices were to fix them or leave the marriage. You chose neither of those difficult choices and instead chose the easier route of having an affair. You didn't have the courage to stop your affair. You didn't have the courage to confess. And now you still don't have the courage to tell him the truth that he deserves. You don't even have the courage to have an intellectual discussion about it with anonymous people that couldn't hurt you if they tried. Do you see a pattern here?

The right thing to do is almost always obvious. It just takes courage. The right thing to do is rarely the easy thing to do. Are you going to start finding some courage or will you continue to take the easier routes? This pattern is hurting people you are supposed to care about.

I have no courage at all. A ten year illness left me unable to make brave, major life changing decisions.

[Kittiecat41]

I disagree, you've hurt him enough. Its a case of scratching a scab off for no reason. I said this a while back to Sophie, be careful of some of the advice here; there are some here that are trolling......trying to get you into as much hurt and pain as possible.

Lesson learnt? Not going to be so weak and feable again? Its time to pull your socks up, regain YOUR life and start living again. Fall in love/lust etc with your husband, go right back to courting again and find those little cracks and fill them in.

You deserve a life, go get it!!

What a great reply! Thank you.

[CarrieT]

I have no courage at all. A ten year illness left me unable to make brave, major life changing decisions.

 

This sounds like a cop-out. If anything, a ten-year illness would have/should have made you more brave towards making major, life-changing decisions.

 

And don't believe staying in your job is healthy for you. If your husband knows that your AP is part of your workplace - and you are truly contrite in wanting to work on your marriage - he should encourage and support a decision to find a new job.