Feel like my world has been torn apart

[Kittiecat41]

Its with shame that i admit i had a workplace affair which has just ended abruptly ( not by me, i did not have the strength to end it although i was very unhappy about it).

I cant believe i ended up sleeping with this guy. He is much older than me, not attractive in any way, mysogynistic, stingy and a huge bore and complainer.

He hated texting me and everything was on his terms, he was incredibly controlling and played mind games.

 

But in the workplace he made me feel like a queen. He was constantly complimenting me and telling me how stunning and gorgeous i was and always paying me attention. He was the head of department and i suppose it was a huge ego trip for me to be chased by such an "important" person in the workplace.

Well our meetings became more infrequent i began to feel used and told him so in a text ( he hated me texting him).

He ended it immediately. In my mind i know it was the best thing to happen but i am crushed completely. I cant eat or sleep. I feel so used. I still love my spouse and this whole thing was never meant to happen. I wish i could just rewind back my life and not do it but i cant.

My spouse actually found out a couple of months ago and forgave me. He didnt know i was still seeing the OM until today. I just didnt feel able to end it.

Now things are horrendous and i still have to work with this guy.

I know im so lucky my husband forgave me and i intend to never ever do this again. I just need to know how to continue working alongside this man without wanting to run into the ladies crying every 5 minutes.

[KaliLove]

Its with shame that i admit i had a workplace affair which has just ended abruptly ( not by me, i did not have the strength to end it although i was very unhappy about it).

I cant believe i ended up sleeping with this guy. He is much older than me, not attractive in any way, mysogynistic, stingy and a huge bore and complainer.

He hated texting me and everything was on his terms, he was incredibly controlling and played mind games.

 

But in the workplace he made me feel like a queen. He was constantly complimenting me and telling me how stunning and gorgeous i was and always paying me attention. He was the head of department and i suppose it was a huge ego trip for me to be chased by such an "important" person in the workplace.

Well our meetings became more infrequent i began to feel used and told him so in a text ( he hated me texting him).

He ended it immediately. In my mind i know it was the best thing to happen but i am crushed completely. I cant eat or sleep. I feel so used. I still love my spouse and this whole thing was never meant to happen. I wish i could just rewind back my life and not do it but i cant.

My spouse actually found out a couple of months ago and forgave me. He didnt know i was still seeing the OM until today. I just didnt feel able to end it.

Now things are horrendous and i still have to work with this guy.

I know im so lucky my husband forgave me and i intend to never ever do this again. I just need to know how to continue working alongside this man without wanting to run into the ladies crying every 5 minutes.

 

It's simple. Don't. Find a new job.

[Kittiecat41]

Thank you so much for your reply and it does make sense but its not practical to switch jobs right now and i dont think i should let him intimidate me into doing this.

I suppose i am asking for a way to cope.

I have managed to salvage my marriage and consider myself extremely lucky to have been able to do so.

[Furious]

Its with shame that i admit i had a workplace affair which has just ended abruptly ( not by me, i did not have the strength to end it although i was very unhappy about it).

I cant believe i ended up sleeping with this guy. He is much older than me, not attractive in any way, mysogynistic, stingy and a huge bore and complainer.

He hated texting me and everything was on his terms, he was incredibly controlling and played mind games.

 

But in the workplace he made me feel like a queen. He was constantly complimenting me and telling me how stunning and gorgeous i was and always paying me attention. He was the head of department and i suppose it was a huge ego trip for me to be chased by such an "important" person in the workplace.

Well our meetings became more infrequent i began to feel used and told him so in a text ( he hated me texting him).

He ended it immediately. In my mind i know it was the best thing to happen but i am crushed completely. I cant eat or sleep. I feel so used. I still love my spouse and this whole thing was never meant to happen. I wish i could just rewind back my life and not do it but i cant.

My spouse actually found out a couple of months ago and forgave me. He didnt know i was still seeing the OM until today. I just didnt feel able to end it.

Now things are horrendous and i still have to work with this guy.

I know im so lucky my husband forgave me and i intend to never ever do this again. I just need to know how to continue working alongside this man without wanting to run into the ladies crying every 5 minutes.

 

 

You're devastated that you were treated badly by your affair partner. Do you see the irony. Your husband forgave you but you gave him a false reconciliation. Now you realize how lucky you are to have a good husband.

 

It would be a good idea to seek individual counselling to figure out how you ended up where you are.

 

You have the chance now to really look deeply into yourself and be the woman you want to be.

 

I hope you look for a new job. Tell your husband the truth he's been denied.

 

You can, if you're sincere and have courage to turn your life around.

[thummper]

Thank you so much for your reply and it does make sense but its not practical to switch jobs right now and i dont think i should let him intimidate me into doing this.

I suppose i am asking for a way to cope.

I have managed to salvage my marriage and consider myself extremely lucky to have been able to do so.

 

 

 

I said this on another thread, but it bears repeating: If my WW insisted on staying at the same job as her affair partner, she would NO LONGER be my wife. How is this going to play in the long run with your betrayed husband? Is he going to put up with you working in close proximity with the man who was screwing you? And then for you to continue the affair AFTER your hubby found out about it! My God!!! The mind movies would destroy me, I don't know about him. I can't forsee the future, but I predict he won't be able to let this go on for very long.

[CarrieT]

I suppose i am asking for a way to cope.

You cope by throwing yourself back into your marriage and rediscovering why you fell in love and married your husband.

 

Re-awaken the passion and spark that led you to get married in the first place.

 

The less time, energy, and mental synapsis you give to the Other Man, the stronger you will become.

[italianjob]

Its with shame that i admit i had a workplace affair which has just ended abruptly ( not by me, i did not have the strength to end it although i was very unhappy about it).

I cant believe i ended up sleeping with this guy. He is much older than me, not attractive in any way, mysogynistic, stingy and a huge bore and complainer.

He hated texting me and everything was on his terms, he was incredibly controlling and played mind games.

 

But in the workplace he made me feel like a queen. He was constantly complimenting me and telling me how stunning and gorgeous i was and always paying me attention. He was the head of department and i suppose it was a huge ego trip for me to be chased by such an "important" person in the workplace.

Well our meetings became more infrequent i began to feel used and told him so in a text ( he hated me texting him).

He ended it immediately. In my mind i know it was the best thing to happen but i am crushed completely. I cant eat or sleep. I feel so used. I still love my spouse and this whole thing was never meant to happen. I wish i could just rewind back my life and not do it but i cant.

My spouse actually found out a couple of months ago and forgave me. He didnt know i was still seeing the OM until today. I just didnt feel able to end it.

Now things are horrendous and i still have to work with this guy.

I know im so lucky my husband forgave me and i intend to never ever do this again. I just need to know how to continue working alongside this man without wanting to run into the ladies crying every 5 minutes.

 

Well, actually he didn't.

He forgave what he knew, but he can't forgive what he doesn't know.

[Clay]

This seems really disingenuous to me.

You love your husband and your happy to that he forgave you.

You never told him the truth. You never told him you carried on your affair.

 

Somehow you want people here to believe your really looking for help to deal with this.

 

People that cheat and feel true remorse tell there partner everything. They are completely honest. They open there heart to there mate without hesitation.

They open there life up to there mate. All there passwords phone messages emails ect...

 

They quit the Job that day to show they are only there for there mate. This is done with out question.

 

 

It sounds more like you just want to get over the guy that used you like a piece of XXX.

 

I don't know you and you might really be doing some of there other things but judging by what your post said that guy might not be to far off the mark.

 

If you want a true relationship with your H you have to give yourself completely to him and only him. If you don't feel you can do that then leave him and find someone you can be with faithfully.

 

Clay

[KaliLove]

Its with shame that i admit i had a workplace affair which has just ended abruptly ( not by me, i did not have the strength to end it although i was very unhappy about it).

I cant believe i ended up sleeping with this guy. He is much older than me, not attractive in any way, mysogynistic, stingy and a huge bore and complainer.

He hated texting me and everything was on his terms, he was incredibly controlling and played mind games.

 

But in the workplace he made me feel like a queen. He was constantly complimenting me and telling me how stunning and gorgeous i was and always paying me attention. He was the head of department and i suppose it was a huge ego trip for me to be chased by such an "important" person in the workplace.

Well our meetings became more infrequent i began to feel used and told him so in a text ( he hated me texting him).

He ended it immediately. In my mind i know it was the best thing to happen but i am crushed completely. I cant eat or sleep. I feel so used. I still love my spouse and this whole thing was never meant to happen. I wish i could just rewind back my life and not do it but i cant.

My spouse actually found out a couple of months ago and forgave me. He didnt know i was still seeing the OM until today. I just didnt feel able to end it.

Now things are horrendous and i still have to work with this guy.

I know im so lucky my husband forgave me and i intend to never ever do this again. I just need to know how to continue working alongside this man without wanting to run into the ladies crying every 5 minutes.

 

OP there seems to be some confusion..can you please clarify something?

 

You say your husband didn't know you were still seeing OM until today. Does that mean he knows you were still engaging in the affair and has forgiven you for it a second time, or that he knows that you still saw the OM at work but not that you were still engaging in the affair? OR do you mean that you husband doesn't know at all that you were still seeing the OM, but the 'until today' meant that you were only seeing the OM until today when he broke it off?

 

I hope that made sense...

[Buckeye2]

I have managed to salvage my marriage and consider myself extremely lucky to have been able to do so.

 

You didn't manage much. The two men in your life did you a huge favor. Does your husband know who the OM is and that you still work with him?

 

As for coping I would hold my head high at work and act as if nothing has happened. Don’t allow yourself to be humiliated that the OM rejected you.

 

As I said, the OM did you a favor by revealing himself to be a jerk that you should have dumped. The key is to be neutral at work. Being sad or angry will give the OM power over you. Be all business with the OM.

 

I would look him in the eye and smile at him like you would anyone else when passing in the hall. Don’t say bad or good things about him to coworkers. Are people at work aware of your affair? If people stop talking as you approach don't let it get to you. If your a great actress long enough it will go away. If you react, you are done for.

 

When you get home hug your husband and tell him how much you love him.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Buckeye2

[snappytomcat]

what a mess,you both made

I feel bad for your husband first.and I also feel bad for you.

I would change jobs asap,this would make your husband feel better also,and I know finding a new job,is hard right now,but if your husband,and marriage is important,then you need to consider this,cause I don't think there is no way you can work side by side,with that jerk

[BetrayedH]

I have managed to salvage my marriage and consider myself extremely lucky to have been able to do so.

 

Sorry but, you haven't managed to salvage anything. Your husband forgave you (HE gets the credit for that) and then you managed to trick him into staying with you while you continued to screw around on him. Are you going to continue to trick him into staying in this sham of a marriage or does he get enough respect to be told the truth?

 

Quit your job (it's not practical to keep it since you have an affair partner there and a betrayed spouse at home) and come completely clean with your husband. After that, you might deserve some advice on how to cope with this mess you've created.

[Buckeye2]

He was the head of department and i suppose it was a huge ego trip for me to be chased by such an "important" person in the workplace.

 

A supervisor can get in a lot of trouble for sleeping with someone that works under them. Maybe you can trade leaving quietly for a good reference for a new job.

 

My spouse actually found out a couple of months ago and forgave me. He didnt know i was still seeing the OM until today.

 

So your husband forgave you a second time? He forgave your false R?

Edited April 11, 2014 by Buckeye2

[drifter777]

...

My spouse actually found out a couple of months ago and forgave me.

You are both deluding yourselves if you think he "forgave" you and it was all behind you. Recovery from infidelity just isn't this simple. What he probably did was compartmentalize your cheating and stuff it in the way-back of his mind. It will come out someday.

He didnt know i was still seeing the OM until today.

 

Now that you've crushed him again you might see a more realistic reaction from your husband. Expect the worst and be happy with anything less.

[Kittiecat41]

I wanted to end the affair when my husband found out. But a combination of cowardice and being frightened in case the guy made life difficult for me stopped me. And if truth be told, i enjoyed the thrill of the excitement of seeing him, and being flattered and seemingly adored by him. Most likely the hideously insecure part of me fed upon that.

To those who had good constructive kind words, thank you. I appreciate your input immensly.

To those who judged me as a slut who couldnt keep her legs shut, i thank you also for your input and am pleased you have never found yourselves in an unfortunate situation like this. I would have been just as judgemental before i found myself in this situation.

There are no winners in an affair, and i have found this out the hard way.

[Tressugar]

This creep got what he wanted, turned around and dumped you. What you had experienced is very common in the workplace.

 

You live and learn. Be happy you have an understanding husband.

 

Oh by the way, a word of advice from the wise...don't quit your job.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Tressugar

[BetrayedH]

I wanted to end the affair when my husband found out. But a combination of cowardice and being frightened in case the guy made life difficult for me stopped me. And if truth be told, i enjoyed the thrill of the excitement of seeing him, and being flattered and seemingly adored by him. Most likely the hideously insecure part of me fed upon that.

To those who had good constructive kind words, thank you. I appreciate your input immensly.

To those who judged me as a slut who couldnt keep her legs shut, i thank you also for your input and am pleased you have never found yourselves in an unfortunate situation like this. I would have been just as judgemental before i found myself in this situation.

There are no winners in an affair, and i have found this out the hard way.

 

Ok, so what are you going to do?

 

And please clarify, you have not yet told your husband that you kept up your affair, correct? I'm guessing that you meant that it was your affair that ended today, not that you told him today.

[Kittiecat41]

Yes the affair ended last night, by phone. I was accused of being a drama queen, but the truth is he got what he wanted and was bored of me. I should have known that was what was going to happen but i was very niiave and didnt see it coming.

After the initial feelings of sadness and rejectioni am startingto feel slightly better. I feel now i have the chance to move on with my life and try and work out why it happened in the first place and ensure it never happens again. Low self esteem and unresolved grief are contributing factors i think.

I have booked most of next week off work to give myself a chance to process all this. I dont ever want to see this guy again but people in work are going to notice if i start avoiding him as it is a very small office with not a lot of people.

[Kittiecat41]

I know my posts have not mentioned how this has affected my husband but i do believe i need to sort myself out before i can honestly put my heart and soul into repairing the damage i have caused.

I also have a new appreciation for my husband as a man as i now have first hand experience of just how callous some men can be. A lot of you will find this post insincere and tear me to shreds but thats ok. I didnt come here for sympathy, just some advice on how to deal with the results of a terrible mistake of my own making, and many of you have done that. I thank you all.

[BetrayedH]

I feel now i have the chance to move on with my life and try and work out why it happened in the first place and ensure it never happens again. Low self esteem and unresolved grief are contributing factors i think.

 

Thanks for answering. I think this is a good place to start.

 

How about your husband? Can you manage a confession? That's really one of the key parts of this, too. Continuing to lie to him is bad for him and bad for you. But it takes considerable courage. For many, many betrayed spouses, the lying and deception are the hardest parts of the affair to forgive. Stopping that and coming clean voluntarily are major factors when it comes to forgiving you. Statistically, a voluntary disclosure literally doubles your chances of reconciling as compared to a discovery. I hope you're not planning on 'taking it to the grave.' That commits you both to a lifetime in a sham of a marriage. Where do you stand?

[atreides]

Yes the affair ended last night, by phone. I was accused of being a drama queen, but the truth is he got what he wanted and was bored of me. I should have known that was what was going to happen but i was very niiave and didnt see it coming.

After the initial feelings of sadness and rejection i am startingto feel slightly better.

 

Glad to hear you want to work on you...

 

The irony of all this is that had your AP gone the other way, where would you be? Your use of rejection, imagine your H's feelings.. but as you said, he forgave you... but yet at the same time you have trouble getting over your AP...

 

Where does your H fit in all of this.. are you spending as much time with him and making sure this is not rug-swept as I would worry more about his hidden feelings, of sadness and rejection than how naive you were as if to say had your AP been a "good man" it would be happily ever after into the sunset. It's just as it sounds by what you are writing about.

[Kittiecat41]

I am not going to tell my husband the affair continued for a few weeks after he found out. That was horrendous enough and nearly killed me. I couldnt face ending the affair straight away as i was emotionally and physically drained from the fallout of the revelation. honestly, all that is important now is that is is OVER.

I might add that my husband actually had a new " appreciation" of me, in a strange way, if you will. He actually treats me with more civility and respect now and doesnt pour out vile verbal abuse on a regular basis.

[Kittiecat41]

Atreides i made it very very clear at the beginning of the encounter that i would never leave my husband. And i reiterated that many times throughout the affair.

[atreides]

Atreides i made it very very clear at the beginning of the encounter that i would never leave my husband. And i reiterated that many times throughout the affair.

 

This makes it better? IMO it makes it worse, which still says nothing to the fact if your AP was a "good man"

 

Your other post is also making excuses for your A indirectly as to your H's behavior.... working on you is a good thing, i am just not sure you are as far along as your writing suggests.

[miguelcervantes]

I agree with those that have said you need IC and need to work on your self to find out why you are the way you are and you need to repair yourself. To do this you need to:

 

• Come clean to your husband again and this time let him witness what you are doing about it every step of the way (see next bullets). Own your wrongdoing and don't try and blame shift, make excuses etc. Whether he chooses to stay with you and forgive you or not is up to him - this should not stop you from doing the next bullets. If he decides to D give him an easy one and do not make life difficult.
   
  
• Expose this POS boss of yours at work and get him fired - complain to HR that he hit upon you (which he did) and your husband should threaten to sue the company. At the very least get the POS fired and at the best get your husband a huge payout from the company.
   
  
• Expose this POS boss of yours to his wife and get him divorced and/or expose to his friends and family and get him shamed. At the very least you might be protecting other potential prey of his if word gets around. Put him on Cheaterville.
   
  
• Basically destroy the POS and make sure he thinks twice before trying something like this again.
   
  
• Get yourself another job, and start over again. Also start working on you - making you a better person.
  

Good luck.