She called me today and I gave her the I don't want to be friends with you speech!

March 29, 2014

Okay, so here's my story people. Short one-

So I had been dating this girl for a little over four years. We met in college. Spent the next two years together in the same college. I moved to a new city for work after college, we managed to keep it strong. Three years into the relation, we both made it to good MBA schools in two different cities. We managed to keep the long distance on for about 3.5 years. Now, this is where the problems started arising. We started fighting a lot. I became a little insecure about her and told her this several times (just so that there is a 100% open communication)

Turns out, sometime around Jan 2014, she started the feeling the pressure of being in this relation. She tried fixing things without telling me, but nothing seemed to work. We had a lot of fights in Jan and Feb 2014. I never looked at these fights as a reason for us to break up.

She still couldn't gather the courage to tell me about the pressure she was facing. February 14- she gets drunk and makes out with a guy. She broke the news to me on Feb 16. My first reaction was to just end the relation. A couple of days later, I gave it a thought and decided on forgiving her and making it work. She told me that she needed time. We were supposed to be on a break for 15 days, but it just didnt happen. She told me that the last 10 days of february were very relaxing for her and that she wanted it that way and told me that she wanted to break up. We broke up on March 1. I tried telling her a lot that we could work it out together and stuff, but nothing worked. We decided on being friends. I thought this was the only way I could still be a part of her life, and perhaps even get her back. However, within a week of the break up she got into a casual relationship with this guy she made out with.

Sometimes we talk as friends and she still tells me that I am the best person she will ever find and that she will regret this decision sometime in the future. She keeps telling me that we are perfect for each other, but somehow the stars are not aligned well. She still wants to be friends and meet me once in a while. And sometimes, she also calls me when she needs help with stuff.

I know that I still love her and desperately want to give this another try and make it work. And she knows all of this. I have accepted my mistakes that resulted her feeling pressurized. All she tells me is that she loves her freedom and the only thing she would be worried about right now is her career. I spoke to her best friend 20 days into the break up and she tells me that she would never want to give it another try. But something in me is just not ready to accept this

Now I'm really confused about the whole situation. Could we still be on a prolonged break? Or has it really ended?

March 29, 2014

arghzme,

She still couldn't gather the courage to tell me about the pressure she was facing. February 14- she gets drunk and makes out with a guy.

^^^^^^^^

Here is your answer.

This is how she deals with problems in a relationship.

I have accepted my mistakes that resulted her feeling pressurized.

So has she accepted her mistake with the other guy?

She keeps telling me that we are perfect for each other, but somehow the stars are not aligned well.

She told me that she needed time.

^^^^^^^^

Here she goes again. She's a conflict avoider. She can't bring herself to come out and say "it's over" despite all her actions showing that she has no committment to you or your relationship any more.

She still wants to be friends and meet me once in a while. And sometimes, she also calls me when she needs help with stuff.

She's using you. She's playing with your emotions.

Stop all contact with her NOW.

You may think this is harsh advice but if you don't get a big dose of self-respect and drop this user you'll end up being emotionally sucked dry.

Good Luck

March 29, 2014

Arieswoman,

Appreciate the brutally honest reply. You are really good at this stuff! Thanks for infusing some practicality into me!

March 29, 2014

Have to agree with the other replier unfortunately, you are giving her the best of both worlds.

One thing I know, just because you have accepted your mistakes, that doesn't mean that was even the reason she wanted to break up for you.

Man, she started seeing this guy straight away, and by you not going NC you are basically telling her you are ok with it .

Hope it works out. I know it's hard, but seriously she has all the power and nothing will change unless you take it away from her

March 29, 2014

Yeah, I don't see it working too. Time to go NC!

March 29, 2014

If you have to ask that question than the answer is probably no.

March 29, 2014

How comfortable on her side.

She's dating a guy, maybe in the future some other guys, making fun, having sex, while keeping you as a boost to her EGO.

She will not come back to you! If she wants you back, it will be in the far future and you both will be in a different place in life, It will be something brand new between you two.

If you remain contact with her you are going to be a witness to her sex\romantic life with others. And worse - She can cut you off from the friendship just like that, because of many reasons, faster than you imagine, which will insult you deeply.

The headline is on the wall - full absolute NC!

And no, dont explain to her too much about your reasons. Just notice her that this is your decision, you choose to have her out of your life. save words, be nice but apathetic and talk briefly.

Too many explanations will give her a lot of power over you. Dont let her. Take care of youself.

Edited March 29, 2014 by lolablue17

March 30, 2014

You're the best person she'll ever find?! She holds you in such high regard and wants you so much that she has casual sex with some man. You are worth more than that. Im sure that sometime in the past, this girl was perfect for you. I know my recent ex was. But that's the past, and sometimes the most perfect, loving partner starts to get nasty. We are then in love with the girl of the past, not the present. She's gone now, that was her decision and she also chose to betray you and leave you for casual sex. Is that your dream girl?

March 31, 2014

Agreed. So this is permanently over according to you?

March 31, 2014

Agreed. So this is permanently over according to you?

Hello

Yes, it's done.

Plain and simple, your ex met another guy, and fancied the switch, simple as that. Of course, she wants to keep you hanging on so she knows that Plan B is nice and ready incase Plan A doesn't work out.

Which is why she is feeding you classic lines like "I'll never find anyone like you again", "I'll regret this", "Let's stay in touch".

It's all about keeping you hanging on.

March 31, 2014

Okay, here we go.

You two were having a lot of arguments. I speculate that she started most of those fights because she started to develop feelings for this other dude. And if your memory is good, I'm willing to bet that she argued with you on the night in question where she "made out" with this dude. It's harder to cheat on someone if you're not mad at them.

Oh, and she did more than "make out" with this dude. Without any concrete proof from you, a cheater will only tell you the bare minimum of what happened to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened. Because, lets face it, you have no proof for her to tell you otherwise. And, if you look into it, I guarantee you that she's been on a couple of dates with this guy since then.

So, why is she adamant to remain friends with you? Because she's unsure if things are going to work out with this dude. Therefore, she wants to keep you waiting for her on the sidelines while she plays the field. That's not fair to you.

Look, you are not her friend. I'm sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with her for the ultimate outcome is that you are nothing more than "a really good friend to her".

Time to cut her loose and move on with your life. Time to start NC and heal from this. Ignore all calls and texts.

April 1, 2014

I totally agree with everything each one of you has to say. The truth is that when I sit down and let my head do the thinking, I say the exact same things to myself.

But then sometimes it is so difficult to accept things the way they are or are meant to be. I know this relationship will never be what I wanted it to be. But then this thing called 'hope' crops up. Sometimes it is a good thing and sometimes it drives you crazy, it makes you go insane.

Today, I complete one month of not being with her. Sometimes I wish it was a big April Fool's prank from her. But the truth is that we were never meant to be. And the truth is always bitter.

I guess time is the only thing that heals such things.

Que Sera, Sera - what is meant to be, will be.

Regards,

DB

April 1, 2014

Woman are incredible and can set your world alight. But always trust what she does and not what she says. Her actions scream loss of attraction thus respect. Yours screams of servitude and loss of will.

Retreat, NC and learn. Become the best in your field of study, get closer to your goal, become a man worthy of respect and self-respect. Then see all the amazing women who want to be with you come into your world.

You are yesterday's news in her eyes and the current you is not worth her perceived awesomeness.

Grow as a man and learn from this. We will all become better men from our heart break. Our next partners are going to be so lucky.

April 1, 2014

Woman are incredible and can set your world alight. But always trust what she does and not what she says. Her actions scream loss of attraction thus respect. Yours screams of servitude and loss of will.

Retreat, NC and learn. Become the best in your field of study, get closer to your goal, become a man worthy of respect and self-respect. Then see all the amazing women who want to be with you come into your world.

You are yesterday's news in her eyes and the current you is not worth her perceived awesomeness.

Grow as a man and learn from this. We will all become better men from our heart break. Our next partners are going to be so lucky.

Wow dude. I feel it. I feel your pain in this one.

I guess you are right. These things will only make people like us stronger. I have my second year of MBA starting in 20 days. I hope that will help me keep my mind of my ex (JN). The next 10 months are crucial for my career. Really need to get a hold before college reopens.

Will not rush into seeing anyone else. But I do know that my next partner will the the luckiest. I'm going to treat her like my princess.

April 1, 2014

I like your motivation, but heal up from this first. If you start dating when you're not ready, then it's not fair to you and certainly wouldn't be fair to the girl that you would date.

April 2, 2014

I like your motivation, but heal up from this first. If you start dating when you're not ready, then it's not fair to you and certainly wouldn't be fair to the girl that you would date.

Yep, definitely. Will wait for time to heal this one. It's been a month and I feel much better already. Hope I'm back to being a 100% normal ASAP!

April 11, 2014

So this girl broke my heart a little over a month back. I begged and pleaded back then. And then decided to be friends with her as I thought that would be the only way of winning her back. But then I found LoveShack, shared my experience here:

Link

After this I realized that I needed to go NC on her. I managed to do it for over 15 days until she called me yesterday just to talk as friends. I was a little confused about what I needed to do. I decided to give her the speech-

"Hey, sorry but the just friends thing won't work with me, and I respect your decision to break up with me, so please respect my decision and leave me alone to heal. I ask that you dont contact me unless it is something very major"

I must admit, I felt weird after doing it. I thought for sometime that by saying this, I blew up the last chance of winning her back. But sometime after the whole thing, I realized that saying this gave me a massive ego and esteem boost. And this was the first time I received such a boost in over a month. I felt great. I felt relieved. For the first time in a month.

Just sharing this with people who are in the same boat. Trust me the whole thing really works!

Thanks LoveShack and all you beautiful people here.

April 11, 2014

Wow. I read your previous post and I am astonished by how similar your story is to mine. Although I am not sure whether she is now in a relationship with the “other guy”, everything has been following the same script (long distance, her crisis and feeling pressured, the small fights, the “other guy”, the break and the breakup, the “you are a great person”, the “I may regret this”, her liking her freedom, my attempt to keep contacts, the understanding of the mistakes and the impossibility to accept it is over) and similar timing (crisis started in mid-February, make out with the other guy on February 15, proposed break for 2 weeks, breakup on March 3rd).

I think you did the right thing. I met her one month after she broke up with me and she asked me if we could talk sometimes. Like you I said no, because I cannot be friend with the person I love. A friend should be happy for the other if he/she is happy with another person. And I could never do this.

By going NC you gave her your own terms. She still feels better than you do now, but at least you have taken a decision instead of just passively accepting hers, and this is good for your ego. And especially to heal faster. I was stuck in a low contact limbo for one month, and it was a nightmare to witness how fine she was without me. But after 2 weeks NC I feel much better. I miss her, but I know any contact will make me fall back to square one. So go on with NC. Well done.

April 11, 2014

Wow. I read your previous post and I am astonished by how similar your story is to mine. Although I am not sure whether she is now in a relationship with the “other guy”, everything has been following the same script (long distance, her crisis and feeling pressured, the small fights, the “other guy”, the break and the breakup, the “you are a great person”, the “I may regret this”, her liking her freedom, my attempt to keep contacts, the understanding of the mistakes and the impossibility to accept it is over) and similar timing (crisis started in mid-February, make out with the other guy on February 15, proposed break for 2 weeks, breakup on March 3rd).

I think you did the right thing. I met her one month after she broke up with me and she asked me if we could talk sometimes. Like you I said no, because I cannot be friend with the person I love. A friend should be happy for the other if he/she is happy with another person. And I could never do this.

By going NC you gave her your own terms. She still feels better than you do now, but at least you have taken a decision instead of just passively accepting hers, and this is good for your ego. And especially to heal faster. I was stuck in a low contact limbo for one month, and it was a nightmare to witness how fine she was without me. But after 2 weeks NC I feel much better. I miss her, but I know any contact will make me fall back to square one. So go on with NC. Well done.

Wow. This is surprising man. Almost a similar story. And yes, she is dating the 'other guy'.

And just as you mention, I may like to believe that I am fine with this, but deep down I know that I'm not. I will continue to maintain my NC and see where things go from here. I'm pretty sure what I told her yesterday would not have had a very big impact on her.

April 11, 2014

"Hey, sorry but the just friends thing won't work with me, and I respect your decision to break up with me, so please respect my decision and leave me alone to heal. I ask that you dont contact me unless it is something very major"
/QUOTE]

wow, did you read what I wrote on this board, cos that is almost word for word advice that I gave to someone else regarding what to say to a dumper who wanted to be 'just friends'! if so, you're welcome!

April 11, 2014

"Hey, sorry but the just friends thing won't work with me, and I respect your decision to break up with me, so please respect my decision and leave me alone to heal. I ask that you dont contact me unless it is something very major"
/QUOTE]

wow, did you read what I wrote on this board, cos that is almost word for word advice that I gave to someone else regarding what to say to a dumper who wanted to be 'just friends'! if so, you're welcome!

Haha yeah. I picked it up from one of the posts. Did not realise that it was was from you. Thanks man. It is a very short and crisp message but it manages to convey a lot.

April 11, 2014

And yes, she is dating the 'other guy'.

Yeah, I was talking about my ex. To be honest, I simply do not want to know wheter she is or not. I have unfriended her on FB and trying my best not to snoop in her public profile. Remember NC entails also avoiding checking on social networks how she is doing. You don't want to know how much she is enjoying her life without you, do you?

April 11, 2014

Good for you. Probably felt good standing up to her and tell her that you needed NC from her. Probably left her speechless and maybe a little butt hurt. But, oh well! She's the one that ended it and this is a consequence to that action!

April 11, 2014

Oh yes. She was speechless when I told her this. Don't know if it hurt her. It is more likely that it didn't.

Whatever it is, I feel great about taking a definite stand on something in this breakup.

April 11, 2014

"Hey, sorry but the just friends thing won't work with me, and I respect your decision to break up with me, so please respect my decision and leave me alone to heal. I ask that you dont contact me unless it is something very major"
/QUOTE]

wow, did you read what I wrote on this board, cos that is almost word for word advice that I gave to someone else regarding what to say to a dumper who wanted to be 'just friends'! if so, you're welcome!

I just changed the last part of the sentence. Didn't want to mention the 'reconcile' thing. Cuz that would seem a little desperate. Replaced it with a more subtle 'major thing'. Haha.

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She called me today and I gave her the I don't want to be friends with you speech!

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