somecamel Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Do yourself a favour and delete that email (and delete it from your trash folder as well). You will keep on going back to it looking for reason and there is none. 1
Author anemptycup Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 (edited) Yo Mr Pine - chill dude! haha i'm actually chilled.. just being a bit dramatic that's all.. and to be honest how i feel about her email is not what i was expecting - more than anything i've wanted to hear from her this last 3 months, and when i finally saw what was usually my fav thing in the world - her name in bold unread letters in my inbox - i didn't feel much at all... it's interesting - for sure.. there was something deep at an egoic level.. but maybe 5% - buried deep under 3 months of pure suffering.. my heart is 95% dead for her... i haven't replied - and in a big way i feel like i haven't received an email from her at all - nothing worth responding too at least - of course i'm not totally over her - but, damn i never thought i'd be where i am today... i've learned so much this last 3 months - most importantly that the biggest share of our happiness and peace must come from within us - not someone else. if our happiness is dependant on external things, like food, people, clothes, money, sex, chocolate whatever - there's always that strong possibility of going through a lot of suffering if/when those things no longer exist - i've always kinda KNOWN that - but never UNDERSTOOD it fully until just recently - and now i can see that there's a hole inside me - the happiness void - it's been painful being alone with it for the first time in ages... but, i'm glad that i am fully aware of it's shape, depth and size - so that i can address what needs to be done internally, from within myself in order to heal it with as much as i can from within my own mind and state of of thinking - now's my chance to do that - i've been doing a lot of work on it - reading, learning, therapy - meditating, sports etc - but, it's a process and takes daily training - it's funny when you have a hole like that... it's like a black hole.. and it seeks happiness from as many things as it can find... normally external things - for me.. recently i've noticed bigger chunks of chocolate every night - or way more excersize than usual (and i DONT want to turn into one of these crazy 24/7 exercrize freaks) - and the list of external things we can seek out for happiness can be endless... it makes me realize how big a hole my ex has - that she can't be on her own and alone for more than a few minutes she needs to hit the sac with a guy she just met a week after our break-up... i feel sad for her... that she's on this contant 24 hr quest for satisfying her Hole with activities and pleasure.. and she can't find peace from within. Getting the email from her was good - because it helped me gauge how much i am still dependant on her for my happiness... and sure - i won't lie... there's around 5-10 % still inside me... but, it's totally manageable now - and i have a handle on it - the worst is way behind me - and now it's just me and my hole... and i need to be extremely careful and wise about how i fill it up! thanks again to all the feedback - good luck to everyone. Just FYI - i am currently not feeling like replying her - if i do - it will be very brief - kind and supportive maybe.. but without investing much emotion - i need all the love i can get for myself right now. Edited April 11, 2014 by anemptycup 1
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