anemptycup Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Let me start this post by saying - I'm an IDIOT. BU's are the hardest thing - yes, everyone says NC, NC, NC... it's very hard to believe why that's important - when all you want is your EX back... i was 7 weeks into my NC - then i exchanged a few emails for her Birthday - i actually don't regret that exchange because she was feeling down and lonely and wanted to talk and i ended it being strong - whereas prior to that our last contact was me begging and pleading.. what has really been messing me up - is the occasional "snooping" i'll do.. it's SO not worth it... I was doing well this week - much better - and an hour ago - i don't know WHY i decided to check her father's Facebook... i saw pics she posted of her hiking with her dad and bro... i felt - ok... this doesn't bother me... i'm doing ok here... until i saw that one picture of just her face.. has a single "like" on it... this guy she started dating on our last break-up in May last year - i know she contacted him straight after our break-up... and now.. all i can think of is that they have been dating for 3 months... and it causes me nothing but pain.. of course. yes, i'm an IDIOT for doing it - because now that one simple "like" has given me fuel for pain for god knows how long... maybe months... for months - i might start believing these two are in love... serious... and doing all kinds of things together - where.. they might just be friends and not even kissed - i HIGHLY doubt it - but the point is... our own mind can be our worst enemy... and whether i'm right or wrong - i'm only going to suffer more tonight.. and tomorrow.. and next week... and why?? because i couldn't resist checking up on her... sad thing is - i was actually doing a lot better this week... and for some reason this feeling that - "i'm doing better now so i can handle some pain" comes into my thick skull... DON'T snoop on them... it's just not worth it. Good Luck everyone - i think after inflicting a lot of pain to myself by doing this **** - i have FINALLY learned to not snoop at all... i hope i have learned... I HOPE... because i seriously can't take this **** anymore... getting sick of it. 1
Kitchen Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 She was feeling down/lonely, wanted to talk? That's a great sign. She's upset, or still into you, or doesn't like the new guy as much. Why in God's name would she want to talk to her ex for emotional support, after 7 weeks of NC, especially when she has a NEW bf? Clearly things are not as great in her life as the "FB like" indicates, so don't worry. Take advantage of the fact that she's down, and that she needs you to talk to. Did you hear that, she needed YOU to talk to! "Take advantage" does not mean provide her with emotional support. Take advantage means use this to boost your own ego, which in turn helps you continue your search for the right girl. You should be giving your ex NOTHING. Breaking NC is not what hurt you here, but investing your emotions (by providing support) did. That being said, I still highly recommend NC for you. Now you forgive yourself for this error, and continue NC, with the added benefit of knowing that she's dating someone new, didn't talk to you in 7 weeks, was upset, and needed you to talk to. 2
Lalasita Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Well atleast you know how it feels and you won't do it again. I am a dumper, all my life I've been a dumper and I find it very annoying when an ex calls or texts. I think very little of them. They have my respect when they understand that we are no longer together and respects my decision. Some times I even think about reconciliation but never never ever when they constantly beg me to get back together.
Brutus Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I am there too, anemptycup. I unfriended her as a measure of self-preservation but unfortunately her privacy options allow me to still see a lot. And yes, every new friend, every event, every picture, every like it is just fuel for our mind to imagine a worst case scenario. It is SO HARD, and yesterday, after one week of NC and more than one month after the BU I run into a deep crisis and was about to check on her FB profile. It takes willpower, self-discipline and self-regard not to, because you know it will make you suffer. And I didnt. What I kept repeating myself yesterday night is: She is not in pain because of you, she is not sheding tears, not thinking of you all the time, does not miss you. It is about time you do the same, as she does not deserve all this. I know, easier said than done. But you must try.
Author anemptycup Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 I am there too, anemptycup. I unfriended her as a measure of self-preservation but unfortunately her privacy options allow me to still see a lot. And yes, every new friend, every event, every picture, every like it is just fuel for our mind to imagine a worst case scenario. It is SO HARD, and yesterday, after one week of NC and more than one month after the BU I run into a deep crisis and was about to check on her FB profile. It takes willpower, self-discipline and self-regard not to, because you know it will make you suffer. And I didnt. What I kept repeating myself yesterday night is: She is not in pain because of you, she is not sheding tears, not thinking of you all the time, does not miss you. It is about time you do the same, as she does not deserve all this. I know, easier said than done. But you must try. stay strong Brutus - i BARELY snoop on her - and if i do... it's **** like i just said.. a mutual friend's page.. to see if she's like anything - it's really not worth you finding ANYTHINg that coulz create stories... it's just not worth it... we gotta protect ourselves... 1
David87 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 stay strong Brutus - i BARELY snoop on her - and if i do... it's **** like i just said.. a mutual friend's page.. to see if she's like anything - it's really not worth you finding ANYTHINg that coulz create stories... it's just not worth it... we gotta protect ourselves... Starting today? I hope so ... 2
Breadimus Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Guys what are you doing! First day she kicks you the curb you delete everything. None of this I am not petty I won't block her stuff! If you can imagine another man kissing her lips, touching her skin and lying in the same bed you shared with her and whispering sweet nothing's to her, than you can snoop. I can't even imagine another man sleeping on 'my side' of the bed at the moment. But if you can not, save yourself some pain and and eject.
Brutus Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 On the other hand, I think proving to myself that I can resist the temptation of snooping will make me stronger, in the long run. I am determined not to, although I know it will be hard. I will not check because I know it will hurt me, not because I do not have the technical ability to. 1
feelingtorn Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I have been there and had the same thoughts. You are not alone. I completely trusted my ex, but after I caught him sexting with the woman whom he met through online gaming and also saw a year long of text history, I turned a detective. I found blogs that showed their game meet-up history and photos. I saw their little chat history online. Many more. None did me any good. I was more heart broken. NC is the best way to go. Hang in there. 1
Author anemptycup Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 it's why the best horror movies don't show too much... they leave it mostly up to your imagination.. which can create more fear than anything you could actually see or touch - the fear of the unkown.. and infinite possibilities... all i saw last night was a simple "like" - chances that she's been dating this guy for 3 months - are good... have they slept together? again - most likely... is any of this information helping me? hell no. the problem is... we not only put our exes on a pedestal when we break-up - we also put their lives and their new relationships on that pedestal too - we imagine they're having the best times ever - the greatest sex.. etc etc... and at least i know that for sure is total BS.... we expect the worst... because we feel doing so, somehow protects us... here's to NC all the way - and to misery for our exes! good luck everyone. 1
Brutus Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 "No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than sex you are having with Ian... in my head." (Rob in "High Fidelity") Yes, for me NC is mainly about not seeing how happy she can be without me or - even worse - with someone else. Because this shows me how distant we are now: I am still badly hurt while she is enjoying life. All they can do now is hurting us even more. Let's not allow this. 2
Author anemptycup Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 Subject: Package Body: You still in USA? No biggie, but I sent a package to you today of some of your shirts and boxers that were left in my hamper. Been meaning to send to ya. Some of your favs (and mine) too. Thought you might want them for Thailand. Although I'm pretty sure you will be shirtless most of the time anyways hah How have you been? I bet pretty busy with your upcoming trip! EXCITING! Also, I wanted to share w u my website I've been working on. Still tweaking it, but posts will be added hopefully by this weekend. Would appreciate your thoughts or suggestions Wishing you the best day ever! my questions are this: WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?? IF I want her back.. BUT, i also don't want the old relationship back... there's no way i will check out her website... that will just kill me... i had a great therapy session today... I know.. everyone will say - Bread crumbs, right? I think yeah.. she clearly misses me.. she wants to know i am there - she wants me to guide her - probably just as friends... help. PLEASE. i don't want to MESS up my chances of getting back with her.. but i also know i need to heal and be WHOLE... and not act out of neediness and addiction...
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Nowhere in there did it say she wants you back. This IS a breadcrumb for her benefit, not yours. She is releasing her guilt hoping you will see she in not a bad person with this aloof e-mail... Ignore! 3
whatsherface Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 It seems like she's using the package as an excuse to strike up a conversation with you. Keep your answer friendly but not too personal. If she keeps trying to talk to you after then it's a good sign. However, I think it's important that you give yourself some time to heal first so you can somewhat objectively reflect on the relationship and decide if it's something you really want. 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Subject: Package Body: You still in USA? No biggie, but I sent a package to you today of some of your shirts and boxers that were left in my hamper. Been meaning to send to ya. Some of your favs (and mine) too. Thought you might want them for Thailand. Although I'm pretty sure you will be shirtless most of the time anyways hah How have you been? I bet pretty busy with your upcoming trip! EXCITING! Also, I wanted to share w u my website I've been working on. Still tweaking it, but posts will be added hopefully by this weekend. Would appreciate your thoughts or suggestions Wishing you the best day ever! my questions are this: WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?? IF I want her back.. BUT, i also don't want the old relationship back... there's no way i will check out her website... that will just kill me... i had a great therapy session today... I know.. everyone will say - Bread crumbs, right? I think yeah.. she clearly misses me.. she wants to know i am there - she wants me to guide her - probably just as friends... help. PLEASE. i don't want to MESS up my chances of getting back with her.. but i also know i need to heal and be WHOLE... and not act out of neediness and addiction... She doesnt "clearly" anything. Its just a friendly email. Nothing more or less. Leave it. An email like that is for her. Make sure you're not mad at her. 2
KaliLove Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I'm stealing someone else's line here (Chi maybe? sorry if it's someone else) - she's pulling the leash to see if the dog is still there. Try not to, but if you absolutely must respond because you'll DIE if you don't, I would just tell her that you can't be friends and best of luck to her. 1
Ordinaryday Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I have had similar emails. what it means is this: she doesn't want you back, she is still done with the relationship. However... there is a slight feeling of guilt on her part for hurting you and making you sad, which is in turn making her sad with guilt. so even though SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU BACK she wants to send you a meaningless email acting like everything between the two of you are ok... cos she wants a response from you saying something like "hey, nice to hear from you! good to see your website is doing well! have an awesome trip hey!!! all the best, your ex" and if she gets that she will believe that things between you are okay and she will stop feeling guilty. needless to say, DON'T GIVE THIS TO HER. she wrote the email for her benefit, not yours. it is about her feeling less guilty, not about seeing how you are doing/ 1
hoping2heal Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I'm sorry but the density on her behalf irks me. WHY would you want to check out her website?? Maybe you could just..go grab a fork and poke your own eyeball out too whilst on the path to hurting yourself. Honestly, she seemed overly friendly. Like, she was trying to smooth everything over and make it seem like you two are on the fast track to becoming bff's 4-eva! Okay, so maybe not quite that cozy but cozy enough. I have to agree this seems like a guilt easing thing and the tone is platonic, not "oh lover how I've missed thee". 1
Simon Phoenix Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Say nothing, do nothing. There's nothing in there that indicates that she wants to get back with you. If anything, it was more of a "look at me" type letter from her. It would be extremely foolish for you to take this bait. 3
bluegreen Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 And one thing for you to drop in thrash can ... 1
David87 Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 It means nothing, she doesn't want you back. Ignore it. 1
Author anemptycup Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 I agree I think it's a "look at me" email... she has no friends... she dates around a lot - she's pretty "easy" - she slept with a guy a week after breaking up (we were together nearly 3 years) i feeling based on knowing her is - she is lacking attention and interest - maybe her dates aren't going well - who knows.. i'm sure she misses me - we both missing each other... but, i do feel there's a lot of selfishness in this email... the only slighty confusing part is the part about returning my clothes she says... "Some of your favs (and mine) too" why would she say (and mine)? seems like flirting to me... but, until i see the clothes.. i dunno if it's stuff she liked to wear - or if she's talking about stuff she liked on me - i also agree that the package is just an excuse to start the conversation... i think above all - she just needs my friendship - we were best friends... tugging the leash to check if the dog is still there is perfect... didn't Chris rock say "cock in a jar" yeah.. i definitely sense some of that happening as well... she might be dating someone but not super happy and needs to know i'm there as a back-up... very much appreciate all of you for helping with advice... it's the first time she's initiated contact in 3 months - but, i think she's testing the waters to check if i'm ready for friendship possibly... don't think she wants to give the relationship a go.. thank you again - good luck to all of you going through all this crap! p.s hope she doesn't wind up on this site otherwise i'm totally busted! haha
Simon Phoenix Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Way too much overanalyzation going, which is why blocking is advised. It's not to punish the other person, it's to prevent yourself from punishing yourself through overanalysis -- which is exactly what you are doing as we speak. But yeah, you are looking for a secret code right now. Don't. 4
faithfully Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Just ignore!! Will be beneficial in the long run 1
Mr.Pine Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 my questions are this: WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?? Since you are obviously not of right mind, body or soul, you ignore, ignore, ignore... all the way to the bank and back. You are wayyyyyy too emotionally invested to answer. You need to chill the fook out, back away from the keyboard, take several cold showers, rub one or four out, and relax. Then, go NC for a month and go NC for several more after that. 1
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