DaveDapster Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Hi, So I've been out of 2 dates with a girl I met on a online dating site, and things have gone really well so far. We have plenty in common, find each other attractive, and have had a good time on our dates. There are 2 things that are bothering me. Firstly, she's fairly religious, and I'm not. It's not an issue for me at all, and she's said that she's happy to date someone not religious, but it is still a concern. Secondly, after our last date, she said she definitely wants to keep seeing me, but she's worried about getting hurt, and wants to give it 2 more dates to see how it goes. I'm really confused about why she has to specify exactly 2 dates. I'm meeting her tomorrow for our third date, and we're having dinner at her house, and I'm wondering, maybe if the date goes well, whether I should mention the 2 dates thing. It just doesn't seem right putting a time limit on things, and I'm concerned about liking her even more, and her perhaps already planning to end things. I'd be grateful for any advice, as I really like this woman, and I don't want to put her under pressure, but also want to know where I stand. Thanks.
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I think it's a silly advice someone may have given her. Like give the guy at least 4 dates. Not a bad idea to tell you though, puts some pressure on you to be on your best behavior. How about you ask her what has been her online dating experience so far, may shed some light on that rule of hers.
Mo_Do Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 No comment on the other stuff, but if you start seeing this girl regularly her religion stuff is going to be bothersome to you. This is what has her scared right now - you're trying to make it past 3 dates, she's worried about getting left after 6 months. Be honest with yourself about this, pay close attention to how much time and energy she spends on the religion stuff over the next couple dates and ask yourself if you can honestly deal with it (WITHOUT the rose colored glasses!!)
Author DaveDapster Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 @Gaeta - I know she's dated at least 3 other guys via online dating, none of which she past the 3rd date. It could very well be bad advice. Obviously, either us of knows whats going to happen in the future, but how can she tell if I'm the right person after 4 dates. Why not 3? Why not 5? @Mo_Do - She's been open about the religious stuff, and I'm totally fine with it, and I've made that lear to her. I'm sure she's not going to try and convert me or anything. I've taken a genuine interest in what she has to say. I can't see at this stage that there's anything to deal with. My only concern is that at some point down the line, she decides she does want to be with a Christian, and we're both hurt. We havent slept together yet, and we've already arranged that I won't be staying tomorrow evening. After tomorrow, she's away for a whole week, so I don't know if I should raise my concerns now, or just play it cool and see how it goes?
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 @Gaeta - I know she's dated at least 3 other guys via online dating, none of which she past the 3rd date. It could very well be bad advice. Obviously, either us of knows whats going to happen in the future, but how can she tell if I'm the right person after 4 dates. Why not 3? Why not 5? I completely agree with you. About asking her what she hopes to find in 4 dates? Why she came up with this rule? It would make an interesting conversation.
Author DaveDapster Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 I completely agree with you. About asking her what she hopes to find in 4 dates? Why she came up with this rule? It would make an interesting conversation. Do you not think she would feel that I'm questioning a choice that's she's made and putting her under pressure, or giving her the impression that I'm trying to force something long term?
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Do you not think she would feel that I'm questioning a choice that's she's made and putting her under pressure, or giving her the impression that I'm trying to force something long term? No, don't tell her you think her idea is weird, just tell her you are interested in her theory and would like to hear the reasons she came up with this personal rule. Don't forget to say you find it interesting...
Ami1uwant Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 You have to ask her what with the 4 date thing?? My hunch is by date 4 those that are dating her want to have sex but she wont because she want to wait--either for marriage or something more serious. Unsure your ages---but the religion could be a big issue when it comes to children or if she is expecting you to go with her to church functions later in the relationship. Alot of people say they are reliigous to be PC but the really arent that reliigous when it comes to going to church and all that.
Author DaveDapster Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 You have to ask her what with the 4 date thing?? My hunch is by date 4 those that are dating her want to have sex but she wont because she want to wait--either for marriage or something more serious. Unsure your ages---but the religion could be a big issue when it comes to children or if she is expecting you to go with her to church functions later in the relationship. Alot of people say they are reliigous to be PC but the really arent that reliigous when it comes to going to church and all that. She's mentioned having a rule about absolutely no sex until at least the 3rd date. I dont know if that just talk, but it's certainly an indication she doesn't have to wait until marriage. I'm 38 and she's 29. We both have a child each from previous marriages. She definitely religious, and takes it quite seriously, but like I said I'm absolutely fine with it, in fact, I'm happy to get involved with that side of things. I'm not exactly atheist, I'd be so upset if this ended as we have so much in common. Perhaps establishing how important the religious side of things is should be a priority, but I've no idea how to do so. Or, I should stop stressing about things and just see how things go...
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I wouldn't continue seeing a girl that said she was giving me "two more dates to feel me out before continuing on." It's rude and egocentric.
Author DaveDapster Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 I wouldn't continue seeing a girl that said she was giving me "two more dates to feel me out before continuing on." It's rude and egocentric. So how can I tactfully approach the issue, without coming across as hostile?
RonaldS Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 If a girl told me she was going to give me two more dates to see how she feels about things, I would respond with 'Well, I was going to give you one more date to see how I felt, but now I'm considering no more dates.' Secondly, she's worried about being hurt? Who the hell isn't? It's annoying when people try to trademark sensitivity and vulnerability. It reminds me of what my XW used to say when we were dating: 'Promise you'll never hurt me'......and then she proceeded to be one of the more hurtful people I've ever encountered. That's why she now has the 'ex' prefix attached to 'wife'. Everybody entering into a relationship has risks. Everybody has the potential to get hurt.
Author DaveDapster Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 If a girl told me she was going to give me two more dates to see how she feels about things, I would respond with 'Well, I was going to give you one more date to see how I felt, but now I'm considering no more dates.' Secondly, she's worried about being hurt? Who the hell isn't? It's annoying when people try to trademark sensitivity and vulnerability. It reminds me of what my XW used to say when we were dating: 'Promise you'll never hurt me'......and then she proceeded to be one of the more hurtful people I've ever encountered. That's why she now has the 'ex' prefix attached to 'wife'. Everybody entering into a relationship has risks. Everybody has the potential to get hurt. Yes, I haven't exactly hidden the fact that I'm keen and maybe she's using that to her advantage. I think after tonight's date, I may take a chance and suggest she thinks about whether we're worth the risk, before we think about meeting again.
Author DaveDapster Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 Firstly, thanks to all that helped me previously. I considered starting a new thread but I guess the issue is still the same... Things have moved on a little. We've now slept together, met each others children, I've been to her church and we've told each other that we love each other. And yesterday, I told her I wanted explore the whole religion thing more, which is honestly true. However, we went on a date last night, and she was a little weird with me. After I got home we spoke online and she said she wasn't sure she loved me, and wasn't sure she was ready for sex either, not for a while. We left things that we would take things more slowly, and see how things go. I'm so upset, but on the other hand, I'm not sure if I should be. I do love her and don't want to lose her, but part of me feels I'm being taken for a fool. She also wants me to continue going to church with her, which I'd like to do, but I'm worried about it being weird if we split up, especially as I'm take my daughter. Just not sure how to deal with this. Should I get more clarity or is it reasonable to do what she's asking, and just slow things down to what she wants? I'd be really glad of any help.
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