sooshi Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 My difficult confession is that I was a doormat with my ex-fiance. We got engaged when he was doing really well, and while he was doing well, we had a very solid and healthy relationship. But then when he relapsed (problems with overeating and drinking, and consequently depression), he would fall really hard. I would always support him no matter what. We live in different countries. When I last went to visit him during the Christmas holidays, he was going through a really hard time. He was going back and forth on the idea of marriage. He eventually told me that he felt like he wasn't made for monogamy, and that the idea of an open relationship felt more and more right to him and made sense to him. At first, I was not okay with it. But then, wanting with all of my heart to be with him, I decided to give it a try. When asked what it would entail, he said he didn't know. But I went back and forth on this, trying to figure out why someone would want to be in an open relationship. I searched the internet to hear from different people who were in one, etc. When I had agreed to it, to be in an open relationship, that he had never felt so close to me as he did then. That should've been a huge red flag for me, I know. But within a few days of going back and forth, he said that he felt like being in an open relationship with me would only hurt me, and he couldn't go through with continuing our relationship. After he started to pursue my best friend, he told me he was never in love with me, and told her that I didn't fulfill him. And THEN when I hurt him and angered him after I blocked him/encouraged my friend and her relative (his FB friend) to block him after finding out he was pursuing my best friend, *I* apologized to HIM because I didn't want him to hurt. Gah. I told him I was probably unworthy and undeserving of his friendship. Gah. Stupid, stupid me. IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND. IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN. And even after saying how he probably felt the same way (that I was unworthy and undeserving of his friendship), he hasn't said a word. Me, I'm a doormat. I've been a doormat with this man. I was willing to allow myself to be in an open relationship (well, I didn't want to be with anyone else in any way, but would've let him do that). Ugh. That's so awful, sooshi. You deserve so much better. So much better than an ex-fiance who writes a love song for your best friend and sends it to you AFTER you've told him that you're not comfortable with his feelings for her. So much better than him telling you he didn't tell you about his feelings for your best friend because there was "nothing to say" (is telling her that she's the only want he wants "nothing to say"? Does telling her that "there was something there" when he flirted with her days after our engagement ended nothing to say? Oh, sooshi. You deserve so much better. Please believe me.
KaliLove Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I'm in the doormat club too. The important thing is that we are acknowledging it and resolving ourselves to not allow it to happen again. A lot of women would just jump straight into a new relationship and be someone else's doormat, but not us! Right? 1
Phoe Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 We've both been in that same boat. Giving all of ourselves to please. And for what?
Author sooshi Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 Right, Kali!!! <3 Phoe: To resolve ourselves to not allow it to happen again, like Kali said. All three of us have loved our former partners so deeply that we got caught up in it all. 2
KaliLove Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 *Raises hand* My name is Kali, and I was a doormat. I repeatedly ignored the all the signs of my exes mental illness and all the relationship red flags that came with them. I pledge to never allow this to happen again. Anyone else? 1
CaliBabe Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I read a quote the other day that has really helped me in how I think of myself and how I am treated by men. It read: "THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF WOMEN. GODDESSES AND DOORMATS." Ask yourself sooshi, which are you? Act as such.
Zahara Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Recovering doormat. Stumbling slowly to goddess status. 5
Author sooshi Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 It's so good to hear from you in one of my threads, Zahara. You're one of my favourite posters. It's hard to imagine that you were ever a doormat. I consider myself a recovering doormat as well. I'm glad you're finding your way to goddess status though.
bluegreen Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Am looking at this and can not believe my eyes . Child what are you doing have you thought this trough before you wrote it ? Do you realize that if he ever saw what you wrote that he would wince cringe and shudder after it and if possible move to Timbuktu ? WHY are you cutting yourself up and putting salt over it WHY ? You are what you choose to be simple as that you choose to be dormant let that be past tense now choose to be something 365 % different. He did this he did that to my friend with my friend you think thats bad? You think no other story could be so ugly well lets shake you up from that delusion. How about finding that a guy you were in love with and he killed himself chasing after you did not send a love song to "your' best friend. NOOOO how about finding out miles and miles of conversations with his best friend GUY friend that would make you wanna vomit so explicit they were in sexual content. How about finding out another conversations with "another" his friend how about going trough HUMILIATION of having someone else translate conversations like that ? HOW about having been lied to your face and made fool off and being told they were JOKES thats how we goof around !!! Need I go on ? So before you go on self destructing and before you think I lost it do us all favor and have Robert erase this piece of crap you wrote of yourself.
Zahara Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 (edited) It's so good to hear from you in one of my threads, Zahara. You're one of my favourite posters. It's hard to imagine that you were ever a doormat. I consider myself a recovering doormat as well. I'm glad you're finding your way to goddess status though. Awww, thank you sooshi! It's taken me a long time to get to where I am and still slowly getting there. When you struggle with co-dependency, ingrained in you as a young child, it takes years to undo. In my forties now and learning so much about it, why I did what I did, understanding the dynamics of how my environment, the people closest to me (family) have contributed to how I have negatively structured myself is difficult to unravel. But I'm learning. Reading. Therapy. Affirmations. Prioritizing and making it a point to love myself. It's hard work to attempt the unfamiliar. I feel defeated sometimes because I tend to reflect on wasted years. But I kick myself out of it as there is no alternative but to move forward. I really believe that half the battle is already won when you are able to identify the issues but most importantly, when you decide it's time for change. We all deserve better hun. We know it and we MUST believe it. Edited April 11, 2014 by Zahara
KaliLove Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Am looking at this and can not believe my eyes . Child what are you doing have you thought this trough before you wrote it ? Do you realize that if he ever saw what you wrote that he would wince cringe and shudder after it and if possible move to Timbuktu ? WHY are you cutting yourself up and putting salt over it WHY ? You are what you choose to be simple as that you choose to be dormant let that be past tense now choose to be something 365 % different. He did this he did that to my friend with my friend you think thats bad? You think no other story could be so ugly well lets shake you up from that delusion. How about finding that a guy you were in love with and he killed himself chasing after you did not send a love song to "your' best friend. NOOOO how about finding out miles and miles of conversations with his best friend GUY friend that would make you wanna vomit so explicit they were in sexual content. How about finding out another conversations with "another" his friend how about going trough HUMILIATION of having someone else translate conversations like that ? HOW about having been lied to your face and made fool off and being told they were JOKES thats how we goof around !!! Need I go on ? So before you go on self destructing and before you think I lost it do us all favor and have Robert erase this piece of crap you wrote of yourself. What are you talking about? She's admitting that she was a doormat and saying that she knows she deserves better, and that she won't be a doormat next time. I personally think her ex would respect her if he read this, but really, who cares? He's not a part of her life anymore. She's not going to be his doormat anymore. So she doesn't need to care what he thinks. And this is not about comparing whose story is worse..no need to be a one upper.
bluegreen Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 We are all fond of her Zahara but you are cuddling her and thats not helping. She is choosing not to do what you said : I really believe that half the battle is already won when you are able to identify the issues but most importantly, when you decide it's time for change. We all deserve better hun. We know it and we MUST believe it. That looser was ready to f... whoever was willing to let him crawl in her bed. Chased after her friend humiliated her and had her apologizing to him even allowing him to cheat on her. Do you for one moment think he could have kept on whatever feelings he had for her or anyone who would think so little of them selfs ? OK now am being heartless at least 10 people will howl that NO am not being that intentionally am being honest and real she needs to snap out of this. He will never respect care for or love her again GOOD FOR HER who would want such slime ball ??????? People have been trough worse LOT worse and have chosen to get better CHOOSE TO GET BETTER and not to keep whining !!!!
bluegreen Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 (edited) Kali girl I really was sure I have put you on my Ignore list seems I was mistaken. Your sole purpose to answer any post I wrote is to disagree or whine how bitchy how this or how that am being. Girl GET OVER IT I told you few truths and you are still foaming at the mouth weeks after it. I was not only one who did that so get of your self important whiny ego trip you are on and FOCUS ON PERSON WHO WROTE POST. Help her best you can or know how or scroll past it Let me assure you t least 20 persons along with me same person who told you same thing I did "that" day will freaking thank you for it. Even if this was self confession it was not necessary one she drugged herself trough mud thorns and crap what for how will this help HER ? Edited April 11, 2014 by bluegreen Clear Up
KaliLove Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Soosh..can you please clarify what your original post was about? Are you, in fact, saying that you are still a doormat and that you intend to continue being a doormat for the rest of your life?
Zahara Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Blue, she's recognizing her mistakes. I don't see where I'm coddling her. She realizes she's made some bad choices, and it's normal to still analyze and question it especially when you're dealing with toxic situations. Those are the hradest to break free from. I don't believe the message that she deserves better is going unheard. She hears it and I'm sure she'll soon grasp it. She'll get there. 1
Jiivy Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I understand the angle you're coming from here @Bluegreen and yes I agree that...OP, we are proud of you for owning your mistakes in the relationship - but that's no reason to post something so clearly self abusive. I admit that I play the "woe is me" card on this forum...but you needn't put yourself down in the deliberate search for sympathy. You are amongst friends here - I'm so lucky to have found a community of people I can truly relate to. Let's build our strength and our resolve together in a healthy way. After all, what better way to stick it to our ex's than to find our solace from them in a fourm of strangers? 1
bluegreen Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Good ignore button works thank you Robert for that. Now here is what someone very wise here said : 10% of life is what happens to you. The other 90% is how you react to it. It really could not have been more clear or easier to get it ...
bluegreen Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I understand the angle you're coming from here @Bluegreen and yes I agree that...OP, we are proud of you for owning your mistakes in the relationship - but that's no reason to post something so clearly self abusive. I admit that I play the "woe is me" card on this forum...but you needn't put yourself down in the deliberate search for sympathy. You are amongst friends here - I'm so lucky to have found a community of people I can truly relate to. Let's build our strength and our resolve together in a healthy way. After all, what better way to stick it to our ex's than to find our solace from them in a fourm of strangers? THANK YOU I know Zahara I know but sometimes what we do we don't see. And some loud mouth ready to screech at such things ( meaning me ) can actually see it. I admire and like you a lot I like this silly child to but boy does she need some shaking this post lord how do I even explain it ?
KaliLove Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I understand the angle you're coming from here @Bluegreen and yes I agree that...OP, we are proud of you for owning your mistakes in the relationship - but that's no reason to post something so clearly self abusive. I admit that I play the "woe is me" card on this forum...but you needn't put yourself down in the deliberate search for sympathy. You are amongst friends here - I'm so lucky to have found a community of people I can truly relate to. Let's build our strength and our resolve together in a healthy way. After all, what better way to stick it to our ex's than to find our solace from them in a fourm of strangers? Harsh. I don't think she was looking for sympathy. Her self-esteem issues have been pretty clear in her past threads but she's working on herself. Self-realization is a big step on the path of healing. She realizes that she was a doormat and she doesn't want to repeat her mistakes. Of course she will backslide and question things, as we all do at some point or another, but at least she's acknowledging her past mistakes. Hopefully her realization will help other people realize their own doormat tendencies.
Author sooshi Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 (edited) My post was to acknowledge the mistakes I've made and to acknowledge that, yes, I've been a doormat. I wasn't intending to abuse myself. I had to see my own words, that I've made mistakes, and that I'm going to take what I've learned. I've been a doormat, but I am now a recovering doormat. I know what signs to look for, and I endeavor to not allow myself to be in a doormat position again. I wasn't trying to suggest that my situation is the worst out there, but it's what I know for now in my life. I'm working through it. Sometimes I have hard moments/hours/days; tonight was hard for me. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. They're very sobering. I'm saddened that I invested so much time, energy, care, and love into someone who didn't deserve it. But I'm grateful that I did, because now I know what to look for in order to not to do it again. We had a healthy relationship for a while, and so I know what to look for in terms of healthiness, and I know what to look for that shows indication of something unhealthy. Hard lessons, but ones that are definitely engrained in me and will be helpful in the future. Edited April 11, 2014 by sooshi 2
KaliLove Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Hehehe, something about the phrase 'recovering doormat' made me giggle. I keep picturing a doormat with footprints all over it stumbling around my front porch..
Author sooshi Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 Haha. Thanks for bringing some humour into the thread, Kali.
redbaron005 Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I really believe that half the battle is already won when you are able to identify the issues but most importantly, when you decide it's time for change. We all deserve better hun. We know it and we MUST believe it. So before you go on self destructing and before you think I lost it do us all favor and have Robert erase this piece of crap you wrote of yourself. Respectfully disagree bluegreen, recognizing the issues can be critically important to the healing process, and blogging about them healthy. Sooshi is being honest with herself, and that takes courage. LSers are and should be supporting her, even if that does involve a little coddling. I will tell you strait away I let my ex be a bit of a doormat near the end of our relationship. Am I proud of it, no. Do I recognize now that it was the wrong thing to do, yes - I should of made her feel like the goddess she was through healthy communication. Pshh - y'all might not see it now, but you have been goddesses all along. Find a man that treats you like one.
bluegreen Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I wondered when will tugging on my braids you will show up. IT could be if used in manner : Am gonna write this am gonna burn it right away and then am gonna dance circles around it and NEVER write such a negative crap about myself EVER. Otherwise as you oh so politely said I beg to agree to disagree
Recommended Posts