Author stephy567 Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 I was not on Depo-Provera. We were using condoms.
Radu Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 He's told me that if it were up to him, his baby mama (of his now 13 year old son) would have gotten an abortion and that he feels that regardless of whether a pregnancy is planned or not that the guy in the couple feels relieved when the pregnancy ends (either by miscarriage or abortion). He cited his friend who is married and trying for their third kid. When the wife miscarried, he said the husband was relieved. I guess this has something to do with the added stress of financial responsibility on the guy? Anyway, the fact that he said this tells me that's how he feels. In principle, you should avoid having a child by anyone who uses the term 'baby mama'. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Thank you for all the input. I guess I still don't understand how this would make him like/love me less. It's not like it's solely my fault this happened. Yes, I understand that right now things are supposed to be light hearted and fun, but life happens and if we are on the same page about what to do, I don't know why it would drive us apart. Unless he was purely wanting a relationship where no obstacles ever came up, which is possible that that's what he wants I guess. Because what a woman says in one moment can change at any given time, for example when the actual circumstance arrives (unplanned pregnancy). Secondly, it's not he's had a lot of time to build any deep long-lasting emotional bonds with you...this is still in the honey-moon phase, it's easy to say anything but when it comes to doing it, that can be a whole other thing...especially if he's the kind of guy (which there are many) that tell women things they want to hear just to sweep them off their feet...without actually meaning it, it's just for the "romance" aspect of it. I was not on Depo-Provera. We were using condoms. I didn't catch it if you mentioned it, but was he aware that you were off BC for some time...did you tell him that condoms was the only thing keeping him from being a potential father a second time around? Seems like he took it pretty seriously, wearing condoms with BC, when I believe BC is pretty damn effective, condoms would just be another added layer of security that IMO would be extremely hard to beat if used properly...so if you got pregnant under the impression of being on BC as well as him using condoms, of course that may lead him to being suspicious of whether you somehow planned this...you wouldn't be the first or last woman who has done it, I've seen it happen to men. So it just depends on where his mind is, how he TRULY feels about you beyond the haze of butterflies that really doesn't have to be tested, and how much he trusts you and what his personal issues are as well. If he pulls away, you pretty much have your answer and he's probably done with the relationship. Also someone has mentioned that guys that don't want a family aren't going to start acting close and being supportive if you get pregnant, they're going to pull away...they don't want you getting any ideas and being "confused" having a change of heart that you want to keep "it" because everything seems so close and lovey dovey. Men might be having a good ole time with you and your vagina, but it doesn't mean they want a baby popping out of it, and if they don't well they're going to want to disappear. Now that you've gotten pregnant, he might be not be too keen on trusting you, it's a red flag for him. I know the whole argument of "Well we both knew the risk, it's not my fault, he was involved too"...that kind of talk works great on LS and gets a lot of support, but in real life, that's not something that tends to work well with men. Objectively men can agree with that statement as well....as long as their own balls are not on the line, then that might be a whole different story.
Author stephy567 Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 I really appreciate the thought out response. I will retread it in a bit, but I want to make it clear he knew I was not on any kind of birth control and that we were just using condoms as our only form of birth control.
Chocolat Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I was not on Depo-Provera. We were using condoms. Sorry, OP. I must have been conflating two similar posts.
FitChick Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 If he doesn't want any more kids, tell him to get a vasectomy and he won't have this situation come up again. Common sense is uncommon. 3
atlg8r Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Thank you for all the input. I guess I still don't understand how this would make him like/love me less. It's not like it's solely my fault this happened. Yes, I understand that right now things are supposed to be light hearted and fun, but life happens and if we are on the same page about what to do, I don't know why it would drive us apart. Unless he was purely wanting a relationship where no obstacles ever came up, which is possible that that's what he wants I guess. Because you've only been dating a couple months. Regardless of what you say or think you feel, it is way too early for that. This is a really serious thing, even if you do terminate, that has shattered that "honeymoon" happy-go-lucky feeling of fresh, new love. Maybe you read too much into how he was behaving, also. He may not have been as serious or committed as you were. 1
Phantom888 Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I'm a realist. I may sound like an ass here, but I am very practical in real life. You two have not dated long enough to really know each other. DO NOT HAVE THIS BABY. Having a baby when neither parents want him/her is the worst thing you can do to a child....a life. A child should be a product of deep love and commitment, not some accident. That's horrible. Since neither of you want to have this child, you need to make arrangements ASAP. I am not an advocate of abortion. But I oppose unwanted pregnancies even more. 1
Phantom888 Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Ninjainpajamas: "I think this whirlwind romance was shattered by a cold reality of your pregnancy" clia: " I hate to say it, but this could very well be the end of your relationship with him." I agree with both of these. It makes me sad. This guy is not the life partner you want. You do not want to make a life with him. It's obvious his true self is showing right now. People's true nature usually shows when they are in a panic.
Author stephy567 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) I just wanted to give an update. After I told him I was pregnant, we saw each other that day for a couple of hours but it didn't go very well and was pretty awkward and uncomfortable. We spent the next two days after that apart and that's when I felt like he was withdrawing and came here for help. After spending those two days apart (we still texted though), we saw each other again and things began to get better. He said that that night we saw each other when I first told him, he felt that I didn't want to be there with him and he felt like I was pushing him away. He said he wanted to be supportive, but felt like I didn't want him around at all. He said he would support me whatever I decided. I told him that I was still in shock and that the setting we were in (a crowded restaurant) made me feel uncomfortable to discuss our situation, so I felt very awkward. Over the next couple of days, we slowly got our closeness back and he went with me to my appointment to take the pill for a medical abortion and he took care of me when I took the second pill (it makes you pretty sick). Honestly, after it was over, I felt relieved and I think he did too. Since then, we've talked about it once to see how we felt about it. Things have pretty much gone back to normal and I feel like he's just as warm and loving as before. Just a couple of days ago he asked me if I think moving in together in a year is something I see as a possibility for us. He says he knows a lot can happen in a year and that he's not asking for a commitment, but at the same time he wants something serious and wants to know if I see us getting serious. So, that's the update. Just FYI the timeline was 4/8 I found out I was 4.5 weeks pregnant, the night of 4/10 and 4/11 is when things started getting better between us, 4/12 I had a medical abortion. Edited April 22, 2014 by stephy567
FitChick Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Did the two of you discuss the best birth control options with your doctor so you can avoid this scenario again? 2
Author stephy567 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Yes, I discussed with the doctor and with my health care sorted out, I am able to be on birth control pills now. 1
atlg8r Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Hope you are doing better. That is a tough decision to make.
MissBee Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 (edited) This is a difficult situation, especially for a new relationship. I have always been adamant about only wanting to be pregnant within the context of marriage, not for religious reasons, but because if we're married it is evident we're 100% committed to making a life together and thus pregnancy, even if it was "bad timing" would be welcomed whereas when you're just dating it comes with so many variables and it's a big strain on a relationship that simply hasn't had enough time to grow and be strong. My bf is a wonderful guy but I know that should I get pregnant it would cause a lot of strain in our relationship because it's new and because both of us would be processing a lot of emotions. I would like to think that things might continue on as usual but they might not, simply because the relationship would be too new to perhaps withstand such a drastic change. However, your bf's views about unplanned pregnancy, even within marriage, and his assertion that most men are happy about miscarriages are rather extreme and he seems to have a particularly negative attitude towards pregnancy, which can only make things worse. Frankly, if my bf ever uttered something like that I would probably have to break up with him...as I wouldn't want to be with a man who felt that way, esp given the realistic chance that once you're having sex, condoms, birthcontrol or not, it's possible you could come to carry his child. I'm sorry you're going through this, but focus on what's best for you. Communicate with your boyfriend and explain to him how you're feeling and see if you guys can work through this together. If you can, then that's great, if not, then you know now at least that perhaps you shouldn't continue being with him. But overall it is definitely bad timing to be pregnant some months into your relationship....it's not your fault clearly but something both of you got into, and you have to do what's best from here out and it will either make or break things for you two...but either way you'll be fine. Edited April 23, 2014 by MissBee
Phantom888 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 You did the right thing, and congrats on a new chance in life.
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