Marsh Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Hey guys! I really need your advice! I broke up with my ex about a month ago. We had a relationship that lasted one year. I still harbour strong feelings for my ex but I know we're beter off this way. We had loads of fights about not doing things together anymore (he always wanted to stay home to see some movies), his lifestyle and the fact he never took my opinion/feelings into account. Actually, towards the end of the relationship he really disrespected me. I did like everything for him and I never received a 'thank you'. I literally spent hours of work on his birthday and NYE party, I did his groceries when he didn't feel like it, I cleaned his appartment when he was too tired from work, I prepared meals when he invited his friends over,... He on the other hand, did nothing for me. He didn't even want to drive me to the trainstation with two heavy bags. He said it's obvious that he could never give me what I want in a good relationship and that he's not willing to change. But he still wants to meet up with me as friends. I don't want that mostly because I don't believe in a true friendship between two ex lovers but also because I'm still very mad at him for the things he did and said to me. I've tried to be friendly towards him but it ended up in a huge fight. Again. Normally I have the tendancy to ignore my ex for at least a couple of months. I need that time to get over him and move on with my life. But in this situation I can't ignore my ex and here's why: not only do we both live in a very small town where it's actually impossible NOT to bump into each other, we also have a lot of common (best) friends. Moreover his mother is a loyal customer at the store I work at during the weekends. I just can't seem to cut the ties completely. What makes it even worse is that he now seems to do EVERYTHING I asked him to do during our relationship: He lost some pounds and eats healthy food, he came over to fix my car when a friend told him my car was broken and last week I saw him at my favourite hang-out spot with some friends which he never wanted to visit when we were together. It hurts and makes me angry at the same time. So when I say I can't meet him again because I feel that way he says he rather wants to meet up with me as friends although he still has feelings for me rather than never to hear or see me again. My friends keep inviting us to the same parties and everytime I see him I just feel very bad afterwards because now he's everything I wanted him to be but I know we can't be together again. I just can't forgive and forget everything that happened. Moreover I've met a very nice guy. It's obvious he wants us to be more than friends but I made it very clear to him that I'm not ready for a new relationship at all but that it's always nice to meet new people. My ex found out about our drinks and dinners together and became very angry with me. He said it hurts him a lot that I'm already dating new guys (but I wouldn't call it dating). When I saw him last week at my hang - out spot he could only yell at me and say things that really hurt my feelings. My friends actuallty choose 'his side' saying to me that I need to 'get over myself' and start treating my ex as a good friend and stop 'dating' that new guy. They don't seem to realise how much it hurts me even seeing my ex boyfriend. And since when am I obliged to take account of the feelings my EX has especially after being treated so disrespectful by him? I really don't know what to do with and think about his behavior and I also don't know how to deal with my friends. I never told them the details of our break up because I don't want to make him look bad. It would be very convenient for them if we were friends, I get that, but if I keep meeting him at hang - out spots and parties I'll never get over him!
Priv Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I don't read much disrespecting in your ex behaviour. Sounds like you were unhappy and simply started to take score to get out. Do stuff for someone because you want to do it, not because you expect something for it. He is pretty much doing what everyone else on this site says you should do; start working/improving on yourself. Your friends are taking his side on the 'new very nice' guy because they see how much it is hurting him seeing you dating so soon. Makes him feel easily replacable. And it is dating having dinners and drinks with a guy that likes you. Not saying you shouldn't do it or that it's wrong, but that's what it is. Just try to keep your distance for a while even if it is difficult as you are both hurting each other.
Zahara Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 OP, when a boyfriend doesn't even have it in him to take you to the train station while you lug two heavy bags, or even having the ability to provide basic needs in a realtionship -- STOP giving and giving because you hope that giving will make them reciprocate or somehow get them to show care and appreciation for you. Learn that lesson now. It was right for you to dump the bum. But that comes with the reality that you cannot be friends. He couldn't be decent to you in the relationship, so he can never be a decent friend to you either. So scratch that off the list and it doesn't matter how small your town is, you create boundaries and you do not allow others to influence your decisions. Since his friends are taking his side, the best you can do is stay away as well. If they can't be neutral and are taking sides, it's obvious that their loyalty is now questionable. With that said, they aren't your friends. And they have no right to tell you who you can date. Maybe it's time to start creating ways to meet new people and establish other friendships. When I was younger, I had a ton of friends. But now as I am older, I find that the very few that I can count on one hand have been my true friends. Better to have quality than quantity. Maybe give yourself 6 months to fall off the radar. Invest time in yourself. Find hobbies and activities that open you up to different people. You won't die if you don't go to parties in fact quiet time on your own is a very good way to invest in loving yourself -- a sign that you don't is when you keep giving which is a form of co-dependency. Use the time to self-reflect and heal from this. Like you said, you can't heal when you let yourself be amongst those that are hurting you.
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