Does the girlfriend have the right to ask her bf to have a stable job?

[CurlyIam]

Suppose you're both around 25 and together for one year. Is it in the gf's attributions to demand her bf to search and find a job or not?

 

We do not intend to get married or engaged anytime soon. We have rather laid back relationship, I'm not on his case, he's not on mine, generally speaking. But he promised he would (in his case his former employer) and didn't. I found out because he told me this, after telling me that his former employer called him to offer him a small time job.

 

I told him I wish he got nothing, at least that would have made him appreciate what getting a job really means. I generally hate overcompetitive men, but obviously the oposite type is no picknick either.

 

Ok, am I exagerating? Am I asking too much in a man?I know he has his saving and he gets a rather large amount of money now that he's unemployed, so money isn't the issue.

[savethedrama4allama]

You have the right to draw your own conclusions about his character for not quickly searching for a new job.

 

Unless you're footing bills that he should but can't cover due to his unemployment, it should probably end there.

 

My 2 cents.

[joel]

whenever u guys go out ok who pays. if u pay woow lucky. unemployed and has a gf damn hes lucky. ok how did u guys meet.

[VirginiaBob]

"Does the girlfriend have the right to ask her bf to have a stable job?"

 

You can ask him whatever you want, just don't force him to do anything. That's called being a control freak.

[CurlyIam]

He's a gentleman. He's the one usually paying. He even gets to save part of his unemplyment money.

 

He takes great care of his finances and I'm not a picky gf. I just see him, his potential and he... he won't do it. He won't apply. Because he fears rejection. I am a foreign student and I'm fighting real hard to get my internship. He won't even pass a call. But would lie to me and tell me he would so that I get off his back.

 

I took this real bad. He's great for the rest of the time, but this really pisses me off. HE's a lucky b*stard, I tell you that!

[VirginiaBob]

"He won't even pass a call. But would lie to me and tell me he would so that I get off his back."

 

This is the exact problem that I see that you are having - you are nagging him. Quit it.

[CurlyIam]

VirginiaBob, I soo feel like screaming at him right now. But I don't. I already told you we're cool.

 

His contract stopped at the end of July. He called his boss early JAn. His boss told him he should have called before - they appreciate that and promised to give him an answer by the end of the month. Did he even bother to return the call? Nope. Why? What if they told him off? Why should he humiliate himself by asking his boss for the job?

 

Who gets him? I'm irritated.It looks to me like he handles responsabilities quite badly. I mean, yeah, he pays me dinner at times, but that does not mean he shuts me up on this one. .

 

We're 25. Together for one year. Am I the one to sent his resumes, for crying out loud?

[CurlyIam]

Bob, you're right. I am nagging. Did he send in 6 months more than 5 resumes?

 

What if I marry the guy, his entreprise cuts jobs and again he won't feel like sending resumes? I don't know, maybe you're right, I should just quit it.

 

But if I could simply see him doing something else than waisting himself!!!!

[VirginiaBob]

A question: Does he live with you? If that's the case, I'd at least tell him he has to pay his half, or find a place on his own.

[CurlyIam]

hum... he... lives with his parents. That's how he affords it. Anyway, in Western Europe, kids do that (Spain, Fance): live with their parents untill they have saved enough for a deposit and have enough work experience to get a loan.

 

We see eachother once a week, for a couple of days.

 

I know it seems weird, but it just him me. And it bugs me terribly ...

[very-confused-girl]

I agree with Virginia. You seem to be a little bit tough on him. I understand you see a wasted potential in him and want to scream it out. But you are not his school teacher and he is not a kid. I am sure he has a great reason for not applying for any job.

 

You know guys hate the feeling of being useless or worthless. They like to feeling of being occupied. They find often their meaning of life in having a good profession. Being good at job is the most fullfilling thing guy can have. He can really be afraid of being rejected, especially if he is egoistic guy. I have the same problem, I hate being told off, therefore I would not go for some interviews and give up possible offers for jobs, just not to get to hear: "We are sorry, but no...."

 

I dont know whether you live together or not, whether you split your bills, but if you have your own money and he has his and the fact that he doesnt have a job at the moment cant effect you in a FINANCIAL way, then let it go. It is really not your bussiness. At least not yet. One year is a bloody early time for you to become a control freak.

 

I mean if you had to feed him, or if you were splitting bills and have common household, then it would be your problem of course too and you would have right to say a word to it.

 

But not in this case. You say he is still able to be paying for stuff when you go out, he is very good at managing his money, savings, etc., so I am sure that he is NOT A HOPELESS USELESS guy.

 

If you start nagging and nagging you would make him feel hopeless and I guess as a supporting partner you dont wanna do that. You wanna do quite the opposite. You should make him feel good about himself, because I do believe he is not happy about the fact of not having a job, but he has some issues that dont allow him to find himself job easily.

 

If you really cant help yourself and you want to tell him something than do it like in a opposite sense of logic, sort of like for example: "Baby, I know you wouldnt take any kind of job because you would not sell yourself short but if theres lack of unbeleivably good jobs at the moment, you could maybe consider taking a bit crapier jobs so that you dont at least stagnate..."

 

...or something like that. In other words - make him feel good about himself and support him. Show him that you are absolutely ackowledged of his qualities and skills and instead of making him feel useless because he is not able to apply for a job, make it sound like that you can feel he is waiting for the OFFER for a job with capital "O" but that maybe he could take even a bit crapier job.

 

It would be a little bit of lying to yourself because you know that his hesitance in finding a job has probably nothing to do with waiting for the right offer, but if you make it sound like you think it is, it will make him feel good and thats probably what he needs and what might encourage him to find himself a job because there is somebody who BELIEVES in his SKILLS, because I am sure he feels inferior at the moment.

[Cecelius]

No, not at your stage of the relationship. If you are looking toward the future and you are afraid he'll be a jobless loser, then dump him now.

 

Anything more than that would be nagging -- meaning, if my g/f were that much into my financial affairs, I'd tell to stay out of it.

[CurlyIam]

Very-confused-girl:

 

Much of what you say makes sense. He works in the television field, and this area is quite atypical. I have tried supportive. I have tried encouraging. I have tried pressure.

 

I am indeed concerned. He got lucky to have a chance to work where he did before. I know he was / is very good and this is why he got the call, but the HR lady is a true devil.

 

People, half the time we were together he was unemployed. Ok, he missed the autumn, he wanted his time after 18 months of no free time. What about the rest?

 

The more I stay, the more I get involved. If he's sick, he won't go to see the doc. He'll usually come to my place and I'll make him hot teas and give him aspirines and honey. HE gets sick because his windows are not fixed and because the door at the main entrance does not close well. Did he do ANYTHING about it? I think he got sick 6 times in less then three months.

 

ok, it's his health, I shouldn't care. It's his career, I should leave it alone. He leaves with mom and dad, ok, I accept that also. It's a tough industry, alright, I get it.

 

I know I tend to be a perfectionist... am I the only one to see a patern here? Like... not liking to asume his responsabilities?

 

 

 

It's very easy for me to shut up and enjoy the ride. He'll even get a big payment now. But that's not the issue.

[very-confused-girl]

Well what you wrote about the illnesses thats changing my view a bit. I mean it could be he is either a bit immature or too easy - as in not solving the problems himself - with fixing the windows and stuff like that.

 

He probably has such a nature and he wont change. He surely must have some other good qualities either that would compensate it.

 

Regarding job - you STILL shouldnt be involved so much in being judgemental about him, it doesnt have any effect on your financial situation, he is having good savings which says something about him, he is able to take care of himself financialy, he will be able to take care of you too.

 

If you spot he is a parazite, jobless loser then dump him now, but it does not seem to be the case. He does have some responsibilities in my view - he is managing his savings and he is making a good jobs of it. That says something about him.

 

My ex ex boyfriend was a jobless loser, we both were students but I could see he is the sort of guy that he would be expecting me to be a) taking care of the family, cooking, cleaning etc - I have no problem with that, with staying at home and taking car of my man as long as he is the money provider but b) he was a kind of booby who was very easily letting other people to rip him off and was getting himself into unbeleivable troubles, he was extremely naive.

 

I couldnt see myself married with this guy, he was absolutely useless to me, but your boyfriends sounds a way different from my experiences...

[CurlyIam]

Oh, trust me, he is different. And he does have lots of qualities that make him even more special to me.

 

I hate it when I'm nagging. The place he used to work is the biggest European tv channel so I think he did do incredibly well if they called him back - they have an incredibly low retention rate.

 

His friends do "use" him, but he loves it - mainly they work on different videos and he either does the editing or the special effects etc. He learnt a lot the time he took off.

 

I know he won't change. I'm not perfect either. I should concentrate on my own problems instead...

 

 

My biggest fear is that I won't be able to have his support when we'll have really big problems. That he'll bail out. But I guess no one can prevent that from hapening.

[very-confused-girl]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

 

My biggest fear is that I won't be able to have his support when we'll have really big problems. That he'll bail out. But I guess no one can prevent that from hapening.

 

I know what you mean but look at it in a different way - if he is the easy one he is not going to be causing the problems

 

I mean if you have two hot-blooded people in a relationship, it can be a problem - see italian families

 

So at least theres only one problem-maker in your relationship. Women usually are the nagging ones, that has something to do with their hormones and stuff like that.

 

But if you meant support as in if you really have troubles - not fights with him - but you having personal troubles for example with your relatives and you need him as somebody who is going to help you - that could be a little bit of a problem. He might be a good listener but not a good advice-giver.

 

But thats something what you have to know already, whether he is supportive when you have hard time dealing with exams in school and stuff like that. Whether he is helpfull or not.

[crisp]

He is helpfull and he gives great advice.

 

When i mean trouble, i mean something that affects both of us, a real big issue, big fight, big... something. When he'd need to make proves of patience and perseverence to pull through.

 

I don't know why i think about that.

 

I think I really hurt his feeling by saying he didn't desirve the job he just got... I don't think he understands why I said it. What if he thinks I'm jealous?

[crisp]

It's still me, I've deleted my pass... I'm using the account I use when I'm at my bf's house (you know, intimacy issues).

[very-confused-girl]

you changed your nickname?

 

Well I guess you cant have everything in life. He is supportive and gives you advice but you feel when it comes to big fights he wouldnt be that supportive. But first of all what does is mean "supportive" here exactly to you?

 

1. Do you want him to be agreeing with you on everything? You would lose respect very quickly for him.

2. Do you think that he is going to be stubborn and advancing his views? Well, honestly, who is not fighting for his/her rights?

 

He is not patient but as I said before, tell yourself the requirements for you future husband and answer whether he meets your needs or ask yourself whether him not being patient is such a big issue? Thats up to you, but I mean dont search for a perfect partner and dont try to change him.

 

If you have a feeling you hurt him by saying ´he does not deserve the job´ than explain to him that you meant it as a COMPLIMENT - as in that he is too good for this job. He could feel that you are jealous and envious of his skills and dexterity, but you can very easily make him think otherwise. - simply tell him how much you admire his talent, his skills, that you are really proud of him. I mean dont lick his *ss but be charming

[crisp]

Thanks... I'll see what I can do. I'm afraid I was very exact when saying that. I'll just call and apologise.

 

Thank you so much. I think time will tell. And I WILL be reading more than once the post you just wrote for me.

[very-confused-girl]

I am glad to hear that Good luck with everything!