johnson_j Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Today is Day 1: Moving Forward You all know how this goes - I feel like a fool for being too good to a girl. A girl I met last summer - has all the physical traits I like, smart, funny, we had strong chemistry and she chased me until I finally gave into her. A whirlwhind romance. She told me all about how she wants to do things together, spend future together, etc. Normally I am very immune to this type of behavior but this time felt different, so I just went with it. One day out of the blue it all came crashing down - the signs were all there but I ignored them. She checked out. She lost feelings, etc. After a month of LC, she asked to meet. Which brings me to today - now we've been apart longer than we were together. And guess what, she is STILL hanging around. Why? I asked her that question when we met over a month ago. She wants to start over again. However this time I see the forest for the trees - she is giving nothing and expects me to chase her, call her, romance her while she acts stone cold and works through her issues, presumably with her ex. It was okay for a couple dates but then I just woke up and thought, WHY? Why the hell would I put myself through this nonsense, when she is the one who chose to end things? And then try to blame it on me over a silly issue. If I could go back in time I would have told her to pound sand the minute she brought up the "wrong" I did. She has never said the magic words "I was wrong and I would like to try things again baby". Yesterday I told her very clearly that I knew what was going on, that she was using me as an emotional tampon of sorts (not in those words), and that I would never be second best to her. I treated her like gold. She knows it, says multiple times that she loves being with me. I said I was thankful for the memories but that's all they were to me. She pleaded with me to not do this, to wait for her, etc. WHY? We haven't been intimate this year. She is cold and closed off towards me, but wants me to wait? WHY? Two weeks ago I took her out for dinner and a movie and she was on her phone texting the whole time, possibly with the ex. My buddies know me as alpha male but for some reason I've let this girl walk on me. WHY? Please all offer some support or thoughts on how to do this....it's not easy.
Strength in Healing Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Stay strong brother, you need to go completely NC. There are women (and men) out there completely incapable of accepting blame. This isn't a red flag, this a red planet. Run and don't look back. You can do better. You really can. Look which of the two of you is pouring your heart out, and which of the two of you is cold and not making effort. 4
AtTheStart Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 "My friends see me as an alpha male but I let her walk all over me" -Don't mean to be critical but this sounds like an absolute lack of confidence. Who cares what your friends see you as? What do you see yourself as? Forget the cheesy alpha and beta labels and be true to you, whatever it is! If you do subscribe to those labels then know "alphas" would never even self-describe themselves as that. It'd be simply known to self and acknowledged within...but they'd likely never profess on a message board that "hey, my buddies think..." Truth be told I don't know your situation but "being too good to a girl" (which I too am a victim of) usually entails "approval seeking actions and mentality" (which as well, I am a victim of doing). Ask yourself, is this girl really, like REALLY girlfriend material? She likely is transitioning to this someone else (who provides excitement) and you're providing the emotional support until this new guy figures out how to provide that as well. Luckily for you, I think she's figuring out that this new guy isn't providing that emotional connection so why she is reaching out to you. Now if you wanted her back...you'd be a ghost from her life. And work on becoming the exciting and interesting person she was initially attracted to (aka when you were providing the excitement that your approval seeking behavior flushed down the toilet). A girl that does not cleanly break from you when she already decided she doesn't want you in her life clearly has some stuff to sort out. At the moment, she is not relationship material. Sure she might be a good f*ck buddy or friends with benefits. But until she gets some integrity and values YOU....become the person she or an even better girl could never deny. Dont apologize for you love!! I'd say, "hey this friendship thing doesn't work for me. You know that. I want you and if that's not what you want then hey that's fine. Let me know if you ever change your mind." At the least it'll communicate that hey you've got options, and are going to explore them, (restores the power to you), and communicates "get out of here if you think I'm going to go along with this friends BS until a next guy fills the lover/friend role I once was." Then DONT LOOK BACK. If she gets her head together and figures out what she wants then gently welcome her back like nothing ever happened and re-attract her. Seduce her. IF she doesn't you should already be on the way towards seducing /attracting another girl with fun adventure and amazing pleasures. One that would NEVER put you in the place you're currently in. Don't forget YOU'VE got one life on this Earth as we know it. Own it. 1
smileforelena Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Isnt it crazy that exes who left know how to play us so well? I have come to accept that it is because we let them. You seem to have good grips in your mind as to what is happening and that is a good start. It is an uphill battle because most of the time we go with our emotions when it comes to people we love. When they come back around (not necessarily to get back together but just to cushion their confused state or wash their guilt away or whatever sick reason) after they left, we (dumpee) get this hope that maybe just maybe the ex is realizing that what we had with them was good enough for another try. when they left they were emotionally physically prepared but dumpees are most of the time caught unaware. so its so painful and devastating and it feels like you are in a deep dark pit with no way out. there is a way out. always a way out but we have to make that choice for ourselves. We cannot wait on the ex to stop calling, texting, etc. If we want to be in a better place we have to choose to be there. So make your choice. Your mind sounds like it already made one...let your heart follow. Its touch. It hurts like crazy. There will be days when you almost beg yourself to stop thinking about the ex. There will be days that emotions will overwhelm you. Just accept that all these are part of the process of moving on. Stay away from the confusion. 1
pos Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I was reading in depth about this whole reverse psychology thing after a breakup. It seems to happen in almost all cases. The one who is less involved in the relationship has ALL the power. Your whole relationship with this girl seems to be a constant back and forth. She chased you, you chased her, you guys break up, you move on, and she chases you again. It's a crappy human attribute to always want what we can't have. We want the person who rejects us, which is why she's chasing you hard. I think you're doing the right thing by telling her you can't be her emotional tampon (coming from a female, gross analogy lol), you sound like you've already or are beginning to move on. Try to keep looking forward. It's best to cut off all communication until you've completely dropped feelings for her, otherwise you're just wasting time and missing opportunities to put yourself out there. Remember that it's unfair to you that you are her second and you deserve someone who gives you her attention, is attuned to your feelings, and reciprocates. Relationships need to be a two-way street! Keep your head up. 1
Author johnson_j Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 Thank you all for your thoughts. Regarding the A-male thoughts - good point I was just describing this as being a rare situation for me. She doesn't seem to take the hint and keeps blowing up my phone though I've told her how I feel. She wants to start over. I told her I am starting over, without her. Tomorrow will be interesting....
Author johnson_j Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Well folks I'm still having problems. Could use a little support here: She did not take it well when I explained that I was DONE. Done with her indecisiveness, pain, games. of course it was my fault for not being caring. I received a number of communications this week from her telling me about what SHE is doing, but nothing asking about ME. I haven't replied to anything as I consider it informational in nature. In one of her last messages she denied there is another guy in the picture and asked for another chance, about the same time she posted a pic of her and some other dude up on FB. LOL! Forward....
Elle1975 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Today is Day 1: Moving Forward You all know how this goes - I feel like a fool for being too good to a girl. A girl I met last summer - has all the physical traits I like, smart, funny, we had strong chemistry and she chased me until I finally gave into her. A whirlwhind romance. She told me all about how she wants to do things together, spend future together, etc. Normally I am very immune to this type of behavior but this time felt different, so I just went with it. One day out of the blue it all came crashing down - the signs were all there but I ignored them. She checked out. She lost feelings, etc. After a month of LC, she asked to meet. Which brings me to today - now we've been apart longer than we were together. And guess what, she is STILL hanging around. Why? I asked her that question when we met over a month ago. She wants to start over again. However this time I see the forest for the trees - she is giving nothing and expects me to chase her, call her, romance her while she acts stone cold and works through her issues, presumably with her ex. It was okay for a couple dates but then I just woke up and thought, WHY? Why the hell would I put myself through this nonsense, when she is the one who chose to end things? And then try to blame it on me over a silly issue. If I could go back in time I would have told her to pound sand the minute she brought up the "wrong" I did. She has never said the magic words "I was wrong and I would like to try things again baby". Yesterday I told her very clearly that I knew what was going on, that she was using me as an emotional tampon of sorts (not in those words), and that I would never be second best to her. I treated her like gold. She knows it, says multiple times that she loves being with me. I said I was thankful for the memories but that's all they were to me. She pleaded with me to not do this, to wait for her, etc. WHY? We haven't been intimate this year. She is cold and closed off towards me, but wants me to wait? WHY? Two weeks ago I took her out for dinner and a movie and she was on her phone texting the whole time, possibly with the ex. My buddies know me as alpha male but for some reason I've let this girl walk on me. WHY? Please all offer some support or thoughts on how to do this....it's not easy. There's always that one person we let walk all over us. Don't feel guilty about it. However, spend your energy, love, and money on someone who isn't texting the whole time you're out together. How rude!! I personally can't wait to meet someone who treats me like gold. The way you describe her, she's probably just a spoiled little brat. 1
Jiivy Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 There's always that one person we let walk all over us. Don't feel guilty about it. However, spend your energy, love, and money on someone who isn't texting the whole time you're out together. How rude!! I personally can't wait to meet someone who treats me like gold. The way you describe her, she's probably just a spoiled little brat. Amen. FYI - you aren't alone here in your hurting. So many of us have had the wool pulled over our eyes. Our ex's weren't perfect - but it's only when those rose tinted glasses get ripped from your face do you see what's really underneath. 2
Author johnson_j Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Oh I see, the person I treated like a princess was actually a toad....beautiful exterior and void of emotions or empathy. more of my sadness is from trying to figure out a)why i picked this person (and why did she pick me), and b) why do I even care about this person. I'm the kind that wants answers .
Jiivy Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Oh I see, the person I treated like a princess was actually a toad....beautiful exterior and void of emotions or empathy. more of my sadness is from trying to figure out a)why i picked this person (and why did she pick me), and b) why do I even care about this person. I'm the kind that wants answers . I am VERY much the same. It's really important to know that the girl you fell in love with isn't the girl she is today...think about it, have you changed since the start of the relationship? For better, I hope? If so - isn't it possible that despite all your experience with her, maybe she changed for the worse? Or perhaps didn't change at all. Read these: Where Did the Love Go? Growing Up and Growing Apart | Psych Central http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/203267-idea-changing#post2399592 I wish I had answers. I drove myself crazy looking for one everywhere and found that for every person who told me one thing, someone else told me another...maybe that's what it'll take you to slowly see that really, there is no why - just is. As a rational man, I find it impossible to grapple but day by day...it's the only thing you can do but to slowly process and accept it.
Elle1975 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Oh I see, the person I treated like a princess was actually a toad....beautiful exterior and void of emotions or empathy. more of my sadness is from trying to figure out a)why i picked this person (and why did she pick me), and b) why do I even care about this person. I'm the kind that wants answers . Well typically people don't present themselves showing off their flaws. She probably showed the best of her. Then she showed her true colors. So you thought you were getting an iphone, and you ended up with a flip phone (if I may bounce off on her texting habits..). No one likes to get rejected. It actually sometimes make us want the other person even more. That's why some people play hard to get.
Author johnson_j Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 So we have come to the end. The girl who just a few short months ago wanted to spend her life with me has been proven a pathological liar. A friend discovered that my girlfriend was married the whole time we were together. She told me that my GF split with her ex shortly after the marriage due to him cheating, and then we hooked up. Over a break recently she decided to give him another chance, then changed her mind to me, and then back to him again. So now I am blocked out of her life. Good riddance. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
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