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Gripe: You can't be affectionate to your friends while they're in relationships.

Nereid

By Nereid
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Nereid Member

Nereid

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I'm a physically affectionate person. I was raised in a very physically demonstrative family. I like to hug and squeeze and poke and give kisses to my friends (not on the mouth. You know what I meant.) The ethnic culture of my family is very touchy-feely. It has nothing to do with flirting or sexuality, it's just the way we express ourselves. We slap a friend on the shoulder while laughing, we grab a friend's knee for emphasis when making an important point. "Hey, Bob, you've gained a bit of a gut!" (Lifts Bob's shirt and pinches his tummy.)

 

Enter close friends getting into a relationship. Supposing their new partner is the same gender as you (for example, you're a gal and your friend is a guy and he's dating a gal), now the most you can do (if you're lucky) while the partner is around is give a quick dry hug and an air-kiss hello. Or else the partner gets jealous or suspicious of you. You have to treat your oldest and closest friends as if they're business acquaintances. And you have to wait until the breakup comes a year later just so you can hug and squish them again.

 

Why are people so weird when it comes to that? It's really freaking annoying. I miss hugging some of my best friends.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You absolutely don't have to do that. Be yourself but be respectful. If I hug an old buddy hello, I make sure I greet his GF / wife physically 1st. Make her comfortable enough to know that you aren't a threat but you don't have to change a thing.

 

 

A few years ago a dear guy buddy of mine got engaged. I had met his FI years ago but didn't really know her then. I had only seen her a few times before they announced their engagement. At a party one night I wasn't thinking about what I was doing & plopped myself down in his lap. There's a long standing joke that I have used him as furniture for years. Although I was literally sitting on him treating him like a chair, ignoring him & having a conversation with other people, including my own husband, I looked up & saw his FI across the party. I smiled, waved her over, make a crack about what a great chair he makes, then slid to one leg, inviting her to sit on the other one. When she sat down he kissed her & I watched her body relax. Now we'll climb onto his lap together. It's all in good fun. Sometimes she will go sit in my husband's lap.

 

 

It does depend on the people involved. There are lots of folks who won't be comfortable with what I just described but life is short & you have to surround yourself with people who make life more enjoyable, not more difficult.

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Nereid Member

Nereid

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It does depend on the people involved. There are lots of folks who won't be comfortable with what I just described but life is short & you have to surround yourself with people who make life more enjoyable, not more difficult.

 

Exactly. I always greet the GF/wife first too for the same reason and act super-nice to them, to reduce the threat leavel, but I've had bad experiences even with that and it scares me to death. "Why was she touching you! Why can't she respect my property? You're planning to sleep with her, aren't you?! I don't want you ever talking to her again!"

 

I guess it's like you say, just take it in stride and avoid those people. It hurts because I'm a sensitive person, but much less than I used to be. It's a part of growing up, realizing you're not gonna please everyone 100% of the time and there's nothing wrong with that.

iris219 Established Member

iris219

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Being overly affectionate with people who are in relationships is just not appropriate. It's about respect for that person and their partner.

 

I wouldn't be jealous or think my FI was going to sleep with a girl who was touching him, but I'd feel like she was being disrespectful to me. I'd feel the same way about a male friend touching me too much. That's not respectful to my FI or to me and I'd ask him to stop.

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nescafe1982 Established Member

nescafe1982

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OP you sound like a warm and affectionate person. That's great! But unfortunately, not everyone is like this, and showing respect often means catering to very different personality types.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that the best way to show you care is to be a little more tolerant of other people's comfort level... to play to their level of desired intimacy.

pickflicker Established Member

pickflicker

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I don't know, I think it just depends on the friendship.

 

My friend's partner is very demonstrative with me. We hug, kiss, he always puts an arm around me when we're having a conversation. My friend is not threatened by this because she knows there's no way that neither of us would ever take advantage of that situation. It's not even sexual. He's like a big brother.

 

I don't know if it's unusual, that level of trust and affection, but we're all comfortable with it and so that's how the interaction is.

 

But you should always respect a person and their boundaries, whatever they are.

Sugarkane Established Member

Sugarkane

Posted
Posted (edited)

I think that's very disrespectful to someone in a relationship. Where do you draw the line? I come from Northern European culture and PDAs and being all over someone is weird.

Edited by Sugarkane
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Nereid Member

Nereid

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I think that's very disrespectful to someone in a relationship. Where do you draw the line? I come from Northern European culture and PDAs and being all over someone is weird.

 

I draw the line at kissing on the mouth, grabbing the crotch, or having sex...

Els Established Member

Els

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Eh, it's just one of those things in life, IMO. Circumstances in life often change things between friends. If they get a baby, you won't hang out as much anymore. If they or their partner gets a job in another location and decides to move, you won't see them as much anymore. And yes, if their partner is not comfortable with you being very touchy-feely with him, you won't be able to do that very much anymore.

 

Though I can't see why any woman would be fine with an 'air-dry hug' but not fine with you slapping him on the shoulder... The latter seems very platonic and I think most people would be okay with that. Tight hugs on the other hand, would be much more iffy.

Noise Electric Member

Noise Electric

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Most people aren't as touchy-feely with friends as you are, but everyone has their own boundaries.

 

If your friend (or the friend's partner) has made it clear to you that your behavior is inappropriate, you need to respect that and step off. If you can't do that, then you are being disrespectful of your friend and their relationship so don't be surprised if that friend lets you go.

 

You could try convincing your friend/their partner that your behavior is purely "platonic" but you probably won't have much success.

Keenly Established Member

Keenly

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Maybe I have a biased opinion, but I do think in certain instances it should be toned down.

 

 

If your friends are cool with it, that's great. But I know personally, I'd tell you to respect my personal space immediately if you tried to lift my shirt and touch my stomach, ESPECIALLY of I was in a relationship and she was present.

 

 

But we are all different.

Sugarkane Established Member

Sugarkane

Posted
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I haven't met any women that would be ok with this. Especially if you ever get asked if you're the guys wife, instead if his real wife.

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