mydilema Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I have been reading around on here a little bit. Quick background, I am 27, been married for a little over 1.5 Years. Been with my wife for 7 years now. So we have some history. Personality wise we are complete opposites. I am a laid back, easy going, and generally happy guy. My wife on the other hand, seems angry or annoyed at all times. Yes she has her good days, but they are few and far between. She overreacts to everything in life...I just do not understand it. Sometimes I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. It makes her hard to be around sometimes, hard to deal with. I well I hate it...i hate people like that. I love my wife, she has good days, but the littlest things throw it off. Anyways, a new girl has come into my life. We just match so well. The kind of girl I always thought I would end up with. Similar likes and dislikes, very fun to talk to. We just get a long. Sexually, based on stuff we have talked about, seem very compatible. Which is one thing that is tough with me wife. We have good sex, but idk not too compatible in that department. This new girl and I have not done anything yet. This is my dilemma Now I do not know if maybe this is just me chasing that spark as we all did when we were single, as I have been with my wife for 7 years...its something new. I do not know what to do. My wife does not know about this other girl. Should I spend some time with her and see where it goes? It just feels right. I have never cheated on anyone, actually have always said I do not see how people can do such a thing. But sometimes you get to know someone so well...they are not the person you once knew, and you feel like you made a mistake. I am just having a hard time with this...looking for advice from people who have been through it. I want to be happy, and I want my wife to be happy.
Author mydilema Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 Forgot to add...on my wifes phone, I have seen a text to a co-worker of hers that said "I can't stop thinking about you" Also some phone calls, from numbers I do not know....but One week the name would Say John, and then the name would be changed to Jack....this may have been one thing that got some of this in my head to begin with. Thanks
carhill Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Welcome to LS. If you could clarify a couple of issues to better understand where you are in this: 1. When exactly did this other woman come into your life in a way which sets her apart from the multitudes of other women out there? 2. When you state that the woman and yourself 'haven't done anything yet', can you be a little more clear? As example, you haven't had sexual relations? You haven't had physical contact? You haven't flirted? Etc, etc. You did mention you and the lady talked about sexual stuff and you felt you were compatible. What else? 3. Do you have any children? 4. What's your goal?
Author mydilema Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 Welcome to LS. If you could clarify a couple of issues to better understand where you are in this: 1. When exactly did this other woman come into your life in a way which sets her apart from the multitudes of other women out there? We have been talking for about 6 months...just friends but it seems to be getting more than friends. She just idk...is the opposite of my wife haha. Nice, happy girl, fun to be around and do stuff with. We have similar interests. Literally, if I were to think of the "dream girl" she is damn close. 2. When you state that the woman and yourself 'haven't done anything yet', can you be a little more clear? As example, you haven't had sexual relations? You haven't had physical contact? You haven't flirted? Etc, etc. You did mention you and the lady talked about sexual stuff and you felt you were compatible. What else? Nothing sexual. We have kissed, we flirt a lot, gets "steamy" at times. But because of my marriage I cannot bring myself to do it. 3. Do you have any children? that makes it hard....we are expecting out first 4. What's your goal? I really do not know. I feel we both could be happier. We just don't match...to the point I wonder why we got married. Some of my friends say the same thing when we talk. I would just hate to miss out on what could have been. My wife and I have been together since she was 18 and I was 20...maybe we were too young this is so hard see above in bold. Thanks!
Happy01 Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Sorry friend, you're already cheating on your wife. She's pregnant; you need to man up and let the other woman go. Your wife is pregnant!! That changes everything. 4
Author mydilema Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 Sorry friend, you're already cheating on your wife. She's pregnant; you need to man up and let the other woman go. Your wife is pregnant!! That changes everything. Yes I see that side. The other side says...well what about the kids. Growing up in a home where mommy and daddy do not get along. If the kids never knew then...idk stuck between a rock and a hard place
jnel921 Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 (edited) You know its tough to be 20 and make the decision to marry so young. Especially when you don't have much experience. You have to be ready to grow with each other and that means dealing with the good and the bad. If you find you have issues it is important to speak to your W, especially if you have a genuine love for her to keep your M. You sound like you are complaining and making excuses to help convince you that you should talk to this OW. You are wrong. You ask if we think you should spend time with this OW to see where it goes... I doubt anyone here will advise you to go for it. Please understand what you are doing is betraying your wife. Having the conversations that you have had already are inappropriate and kissing and doing all of this other stuff is bad. If you believe your wife is having inappropriate text with OM then you need to address that if you care. It sounds like if she is doing something you just want to do something too. Why don't you speak with your W to determine where you are in your M. Perhaps its time you both need to leave each other. People do grow apart. But its not necessary to cheat. Get D then do what you need to do. Give each other that much respect. My First H felt the way you did and at that time I had a 1 year old and was pregnant with our second. I was 4 months along when I packed all of his things and made the decision to D and never go back. That was over 17 years ago. The best choice I made for me. My XH can't say the same. He didn't raise our kids and missed a lot of their firsts. My Second husband taught my son to play football, took him to his first games, taught them both how to drive, the list goes on and on. His A's never lasted. His life is still empty. But that is not my concern. Getting as much a$$ as you can to make up for what you didn't get will not make you happy. Happy is where home is. I hope you make the right choice. Good luck to you. Edited April 10, 2014 by jnel921 1
Author mydilema Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 You know its tough to be 20 and make the decision to marry so young. Especially when you don't have much experience. You have to be ready to grow with each other and that means dealing with the good and the bad. If you find you have issues it is important to speak to your W, especially if you have a genuine love for her to keep your M. You sound like you are complaining and making excuses to help convince you that you should talk to this OW. You are wrong. You ask if we think you should spend time with this OW to see where it goes... I doubt anyone here will advise you to go for it. Please understand what you are doing is betraying your wife. Having the conversations that you have had already are inappropriate and kissing and doing all of this other stuff is bad. If you believe your wife is having inappropriate text with OM then you need to address that if you care. It sounds like if she is doing something you just want to do something too. Why don't you speak with your W to determine where you are in your M. Perhaps its time you both need to leave each other. People do grow apart. But its not necessary to cheat. Get D then do what you need to do. Give each other that much respect. Thank you for that post. Maybe that's the best way. Like you said give each other the respect we deserve. Going to be a tough night sleeping 1
jnel921 Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Yes I see that side. The other side says...well what about the kids. Growing up in a home where mommy and daddy do not get along. If the kids never knew then...idk stuck between a rock and a hard place If you are not getting along then work on it, go to counseling, fix it. Screwing another woman doesn't improve your situation. Kids growing up seeing mommy sad because daddy is not around but out screwing another woman is not the scenario they need to bear witness to either. The greatest gift you can give your child is showing him/her that you have love and respect for their mother. Can you do that? 4
janedoe67 Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Do you want to be a MAN of character? Or do you want to be a deceitful cheate who betrays your child's mother? There's your answer. 3
SugarHibiscus Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Please, don't move forward with your affair. Stay with your wife. If you're having problems with her try to work it out. Continuing the relationship with the other woman will only make your life worse not better. At first, it will be great. Wonderful! Exhilarating! Magical! But, then it's not. Take it from me. I've been involved in an affair for the past two years that started out like yours. Good friends, flirting, etc. I'm his dream woman. He's my dream man. Perfect match. All that good stuff. Now our situation is complicated and painful. Not because we broke up or don't love each other but because our relationship has no where to go. It was doomed from the beginning. My affair has also changed how I think about myself and not in a good way. Long story short: If I could go back in time (to where you are now), I would run in the other direction as fast as I could. 1
Buckeye2 Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 1. I am 27, been married for a little over 1.5 Years. 2. I am a laid back, easy going, and generally happy guy. My wife on the other hand, seems angry or annoyed at all times. Yes she has her good days, but they are few and far between. 3. She overreacts to everything in life...I just do not understand it. Sometimes I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. It makes her hard to be around sometimes, hard to deal with. 4. I well I hate it...i hate people like that. 5. On my wifes phone, I have seen a text to a co-worker of hers that said "I can't stop thinking about you" 6. Also some phone calls, from numbers I do not know....but One week the name would Say John, and then the name would be changed to Jack. If there are no kids get a divorce. It doesn’t matter if there is a new girl or not.
CarrieT Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 If there are no kids get a divorce. It doesn’t matter if there is a new girl or not. Didn't you read that his wife is pregnant? 2
veritas lux mea Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Is there a chance this new relationship is causing you to rewrite history? I even did it even though I never blamed my marriage or H. But my memories of sexual history with him became messed up. It wasn't really they way things had been. And are you looking for cheating to ease your conscience. Kissing between people who are attracted to each pther IS sexual. But stop now while you haven't went further. It will only get ugly. And never ever cheat on a pregnant partner. A lot of even seasoned cheaters follow that rule. 3
Buckeye2 Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Didn't you read that his wife is pregnant? I obviously missed that, sorry. Forgot to add...on my wifes phone, I have seen a text to a co-worker of hers that said "I can't stop thinking about you" Also some phone calls, from numbers I do not know....but One week the name would Say John, and then the name would be changed to Jack... In that case get a DNA kit at WalMart or online for $30. Once the kid gets here swab the inside of their cheek and yours with a Q-tip and mail it to a lab along with $130 more. If John or Jack is the dad follow my original advice, divorce.
gettingstronger Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Trying to remember back that far in my life so I can be honest. I think when I was younger and pregnant I probably wouldn't want a divorce but hindsight is 20/20 and if my marriage was that rocky I would want to know about it and hopefully be strong enough to walk away.
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I do not know what to do. My wife does not know about this other girl. Should I spend some time with her and see where it goes? It just feels right. You have three options. Divorce your wife and then go be with the OW, since you say it 'feels' right. Or you can cheat on your wife and lose self respect, your dignity, reputation, you'll lose in laws, your own family will judge you, you'll hurting and betraying your wife in the worst possible way by going against your marriage vows. Or, you can be a man, put effort into fixing your marriage and reconnecting with your wife again. Tell her how you've been feeling and why, see if she is willing to change her ways and be happier and not so grumpy. Maybe she's unhappy in the marriage as well, maybe she's unhappy with you. But you won't know until you ask, sit and talk about all this. Why go chase another woman while you're still married? It's very selfish of you to 'go try out another woman/relationship', you'll be adding MORE pain and drama into your life, as well as hurting two women. You obviously loved your wife enough to get married, right? So, dig down deep and find that love again, be fun, loving and kind. Be the husband she deserves and ask her to be the wife you deserve. Oh, and go to marriage counseling together. DO NOT cheat on your wife.
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Forgot to add...on my wifes phone, I have seen a text to a co-worker of hers that said "I can't stop thinking about you" Also some phone calls, from numbers I do not know....but One week the name would Say John, and then the name would be changed to Jack....this may have been one thing that got some of this in my head to begin with. Thanks So she could be cheating or has connected with another man as well. I say, lay it all out on the line. Try to work together to reconnect and fix things because you BOTH owe to your soon to be child. Did you ever stop to think that your wife's hormones are wacky because of her pregnancy? Anyway, two wrongs do not make a right, so don't go justifying what you want do all because of a text you've seen from her phone. Talk it out, fix things or divorce. Think of your future, your baby, your family unit. If you are willing to throw it all away for some chick who makes you feel good, it might actually be something you'll regret some day.
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Is there a chance this new relationship is causing you to rewrite history? I even did it even though I never blamed my marriage or H. But my memories of sexual history with him became messed up. It wasn't really they way things had been. And are you looking for cheating to ease your conscience. Kissing between people who are attracted to each pther IS sexual. But stop now while you haven't went further. It will only get ugly. And never ever cheat on a pregnant partner. A lot of even seasoned cheaters follow that rule. Pray that you don't end up cheating on your wife, BUT IF YOU CHOOSE to do so, stop having sex with your wife during the rest of her pregnancy. You do not know the OW that well or her sexual past. Imagine giving your wife an STD and it affecting your unborn baby? Yes, I went there and that is something you must think about. Imagine you giving your wife crabs and having to confess to her what you've done. Just another reason for you to stop and think. You have choices, just make the right one by being honest with your wife and let her know that you're aware of the co worker. Why not admit that another woman has turned your head and made you have doubts. This could be a good thing, maybe divorce can happen and you two can still co parent on friendly terms if you both decide a D is best for both of you. 1
Lady2163 Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I'm going to take a different outlook. I spent the best years of my life in a miserable marriage. 15 years after the divorce, I regret giving those years to someone who didn't deserve it. But, in the same breath, wait a little longer. Do the DNA testing to put that issue at rest. Give your wife some time to get rid of,pregnancy hormones and post-partum hormones and see if her personality/mood shift back to the person you loved once. If 12-18 months from now you are still unhappy, then it ,at be time to consider divorce. You will feel a lot better about yourself if you DON'T have an affair. In my opinion only, once you go through that door, it gets easier to do again and again. Don't rule out marriage counseling. 1
Silveron Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Any why is your wife miserable? Maybe it's the pregnancy that is causing it, however with your 'laid' back attitude it could be that you put the world on her shoulders? Could it be that she might be feeling she is responsible for everything that goes on in the marriage while your laid back personality gives you the freedom to not care? My god.. To bring in a newborn into this world where the father is already wanting to cheat (well, you have emotionally) and she might be acting suspicious in your eyes. This poor child! If you are a man of your word then you will go NC with this other woman and find out what is going on with your wife. You can't solve the problems between you two when you are bringing in third parties. This child you are getting excited to be a HUGE part of your life.. Well just think about not being able to see him/her half the time because of the divorce. Think about how this child will not have a mom & dad by their side at the same time because of the actions you are doing now! What you do now will have repercussions for the next 20 years. Becareful on what you choose. Grass is greener on the other side until you step in that first pile of dog sh*t. 1
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