Mrin Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 This thread is kind of mind boggling. It comes to down to what the divorced mom or any woman has going for her -- I was stable, capable of love, financially self-supporting (I out-earned the guy I ended up marrying) and, most important, sane. Those were also the qualities I looked for in a partner and I didn't spend time with guys who didn't have the character traits I value. I totally agree here and sort of chuckle at some of the posts in this thread insinuating that divorced women with kids are somehow more crazy. If anything, it is the opposite as you indicated. Single-never-married-no-kid's (SNMNK's) I find to be more emotionally unsure and if we have to use the word, more likely to be "crazy" - totally unfair characterization by the way. Here's the thing, women (or anyone for that matter) who have been married, gone through divorce and had kids have emotionally matured far beyond the SNMNK's. She's faced hardship. She's sacrificed. She's personally confronted one or more dark nights of the soul moments. She knows what she wants and more importantly knows what she doesn't want. I find this sort of woman to be far more "sane". Or perhaps, consistent. SNMNK's on the other hand, they're an undiscovered country in this regard. They haven't gone through this trial by fire and emerged on the other side. I can see why idealistically this may seem more attractive (virgin territory). To me, and probably other men, the divorced woman with or without kids, is more attractive from a LTR perspective. I've played this game with friends and we're usually pretty spot on: pull up OKC or Match, look at the profile pictures and guess by their smile whether they have kids. The SNMNK's tend to smile only with their mouths - beaming great big anxious smiles. The women with kids, their smile is more from the soul and that's a more confident smile. Anyhow, that's must some more rambling from Mrin. Don't mean to bag on SNMNK's as i've met some wonderful women who fall into this category. 2
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 This thread is kind of mind boggling. When I was divorced with 2 young kids, I had plenty of guys who wanted to date me and three who wanted to marry (one of whom I did marry). Since this is LS, I feel I need to clarify that this was 3 separate Rs, not that I was dating three guys at the same time. It comes to down to what the divorced mom or any woman has going for her -- I was stable, capable of love, financially self-supporting (I out-earned the guy I ended up marrying) and, most important, sane. Those were also the qualities I looked for in a partner and I didn't spend time with guys who didn't have the character traits I value. Bottom line: if you see someone you consider inferior "locking down" men when you can't, it may just be that you are valuing the wrong things. You're a best-case scenario But on the other end of the spectrum there's the mommy with no job or savings, with multiple kids, whose constantly feuding with her baby daddy who gives you death stares whenever you see him! Every situation is different and I can see where it can and can't work.
Chocolat Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 You're a best-case scenario But on the other end of the spectrum there's the mommy with no job or savings, with multiple kids, whose constantly feuding with her baby daddy who gives you death stares whenever you see him! Every situation is different and I can see where it can and can't work. Exactly. And that's what I said in my post: It comes to down to what the divorced mom or any woman has going for her... Women who are emotionally and financially healthy tend to attract men who are also emotionally and financially healthy. The OP is lamenting that she knows women with kids who can "lock down" a man while she cannot. Her assumption appears to be that kids make a woman less desirable, or rather, that she is of higher quality simply because she doesn't have kids. I am saying that this is not necessarily true, especially in the 35+ age group. Yes, there are guys who refuse to date a single mom. But there are even more guys who will. The bottom line is that quality women will attract quality men and vice versa. 1
RonaldS Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 (edited) We seem to be anxious to make generalizations in one direction and totally discount the other direction. The presumption with somebody who is divorced is that they are crazy, bad at relationships, etc. Its the stigma of being divorced. Damaged goods. But all divorces don't occur for the same reason. Sometimes people are screwed up....sure. But sometimes, divorce is an executive decision by two adults who recognize that they don't function well together and that they (and in a lot of cases, even the kids) are better off long-term going in a different direction. And sometimes (hopefully) through that process, people grow. It's an experience that (should) make a person take a deep look at themselves. And it can be completely humbling. The argument could also be made that a divorced woman actually knows how to create and maintain a relationship. Just because it didn't work between 2 people doesn't mean that those 2 people don't know how to have a successful relationship. A lot of times, they do, but the problem is that once they figure it out, there is too much damage and resentment in their marriage to reasonably save it. But they typically learn how to do it. Kids generally require a level of responsibility, maturity, compassion.... Hey, my XW is almost married to the first guy she started dating after our marriage. She (we) have 3 kids 8 years old and younger. There must be something to it. Edited April 10, 2014 by RonaldS 1
SmartDude Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Single mothers are attractive to guys because: THEY ALREADY HAVE KIDS AND THEY DON'T WANT ANY MORE. That means that you can leave the relationship at any time, have FWB or whatever. Its cruel but true. Many women in the early 30's WANT to have kids. That means she wants to have kids and get a house, and a nice car, and this pretty handbag and those cute shoes...etc. And so for a guy not looking for anything serious, this becomes a risk. It is quite understandable why a guy would want to avoid "daddy's little princess". Crazy chicks are simple...Often they do not want more kids, or houses or pretty shoes or handbags because their self-worth is very low. So they just go on a crazy train of drugs and sex and don't have time for "normal" activities. This is a little bit of a risk but not as bad as dating "daddies little princes" who wants the family, house..etc. RIGHT NOW. Be aware that what I have said is not the way I think personally, it is just what I have observed in other men.
Valen Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Have you consider the men who likes crazy women are not your type to begin with? A sane man would want a sane woman, and in most cases, sane men are already married. So you are left with very few options, crazy men, young inexperience men, or very few sane ones who probably too busy with their life that you'll never bump into them. Another thing too is if you think you're hotstuff and women with kids are inferior, then that's another problem. Quality men can detect when a women think's she's all that and to him, she's not wife material.
isisisweeping Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I'm single, in my 30's, I don't have kids, I've gone out on dates, I've been hooking up, etc, etc, but no guy that I meet wants a commitment. Some of them use the same excuses, like how they don't have the time, or patience, etc, etc. But, I know alot of divorced women with 3 or 4 kids maximum that can easily find a man and be in a committed relationship in no time! Geez, this just tells me that the problem is with ME, not the guys that I meet. I always think that if I was a single mother, it would be alot harder trying to find the right guy to want a relationship, but no, I don't understand why its hard for me, I'm just tired of all these dating excuses that I have to deal with! Do these women know how to please a man in bed, because if so, I need to work on some things! Lock a man down...??? That might be your problem. That and possibly being judgmental about others who might have tons to offer and be great. Hint: it's not about locking anyone down... It's about a mutually beneficial partnershi 3
HappyLove Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Just look at the boards here. A lot of the truly decent men are with batsh.it crazy women. How the women treat them and take them for granted makes you scratch your head but these men bend over backwards to make these women happy. Usually the common denominators are she is CRAZY and HOT. Meanwhile the women who are sane and pretty with a lot to offer stay single. A lot of times too women with a lot of "baggage" are dating men who are very insecure and don't have their act together. So even though she has a man it's not anyone you would look at twice.
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