FaithInTheDark Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 (edited) I'm pretty disappointed with the way this guy I've kinda of been seeing acted last night. I phoned him last night to ask if he could give me a ride home from the dentist this week , he agreed and asked if I wanted to come over that night so I agreed. Things were going pretty good but then I started to notice that he was drunk. He was playing video games and tried to get me to join but I told him I just wasn't interested in the kind of thing. He continued to play and I felt like he was more focused on the game and I wanted his attention and affection. After a while i gave off the vibe I wasn't stoked about it, not in a demanding way. By this point he's totally drunk , kind of in his own world and I wasn't feeling good by it. He was totally wraped up in this music while I was sitting there. I expressed I felt distant and kissed him to get his attention. He's never seemed like a very affection guy unless I am. I know he does like he as he's shown a lot of signs... Anyway Our conversation switched to something and he became kind of rude to the point I defended myself and said I was leaving. After a few awkward moments I did leave. I am totally unimpressed by him, if you invite a girl over wouldn't it be right to give her your attention? I get he was drunk but I didn't receive any affection or felt like I mattered. I text him about my dentist experience but no response. We have only been hanging out for a month and slept together twice. but spent three days this week together and twice the week before. I'm wondering if I should express how I felt last night and call him out on this behaviour. I don't want to write him off but I couldn't deal with that again but don't want to stop seeing him cus of his drunkeness. Any advice of how I can approach this? I don't want to invest my time and energy with someone I'm not getting enough of what I need. Edited April 10, 2014 by FaithInTheDark
firsttracks Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I'll try to respond as best as I can. Mostly because I've been in his shoes a few times. So did he pick you up from the dentist drunk? Or were you just making plans for him to pick you up? How old are you two? Is this the first time he's been drunk like that? I guess if it's not been a pattern and your only a month into it, personally I'd give him another shot but would bring it up in a dickheadish joking way and be like "man you were hammered last time we hung out, how'd that end up working out for you?" I'd probably just give him **** for it. Who knows why he got drunk. In my early twenties I'd go catch a baseball game and have a few beers and hold plans with a girl coming over. Even last Summer I had plans to watch a movie with my girlfriend and got sucked into a work/party function and had way too much to drink and she had to pick me up. Got home and I was doing the same, jamming to awful music in my living room while she was bored on the couch and then passed out. She slept on the couch and said she almost left but I said I was sorry in the morning and she said it's not ok but I'll let it slide this one time. But if he's been like this repeatedly I'd bail you can do better. If he's that drunk on a Tuesday night I'd question his maturity unless it was a rare occasion. How is he other than last night? Is he affectionate like you desire and attentive to you? I'd go more by that than the one night. It's definitely a red flag. If your gut agrees I'd listen to that. I've ignored things like this early on and noticed they snowball. So if you really like him it might be a gamble that this will never happen again or this will continue and escalate. I try to show my best self like everyone especially in the first month. Granted the last girl I dated for two months had to drop me off at home because we were skiing and we met at the bar and had some drinks. I was moving my car next to hers (yes mildly drunken driving in a parking lot) and we thought we could drive through this snowbank that was like 2 feet tall and my Jeep got stuck. She had to drop me of and ended up dating me. That's a red flag, the fact she ended up dating me is in of itself a red flag, our first date she showed me a red flag I had a gut feeling like you do and chose to ignore it because she agreed to go out with me. It didn't end well, it was a complicated mess. 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 We made plans for him to pick me up the next day... I'm in my mid twenties and He's 30. No there's been a lot of times we were both drinking but maybe I couldn't tolerate it because I wasn't drunk this time. Our sexual encounters are epic fails I think mostly bc of him being intoxicated. He even told me how embarrassed he was of his lack of performance in bed. But I believe that kinda thing takes time. He told me how he's not used to girls being interested in him so maybe he's just clueless how women work. But no, he's not as affectionate and attentive as I'd like and only rescipicates if I'm the one initiate it. Which is weird now that I think of it. Regardless of faults I still believe something might come out of us but only if I communicate what I need and he at least respects my feelings. Maybe it's too early to request my needs but he needs to know last night was ridiculous and I'm awful at this kind of thing
Eivuwan Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I don't think he is relationship material. There is no excuse for a 30 year old man to behave like that. If he really liked you he would be on his best behavior. 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 I agree. I am going to do my thing and see if he is even willing to own up to it.
jay1983 Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Damn that's pretty bad, I don't even do s**t like that and I'm no angel. 2
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 (edited) A bit rude to focus his attention away from you like that. Especially since yall have only hooked up a couple times... Edited April 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
firsttracks Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I agree with the others. He's not worth your time. If you guys drink and whatever that's cool but if he drinks to the point he can't perform in bed that's a problem I would say. It sounds like he drinks quite a bit so I'd say you can expect this to continue. That's just one problem. The other is that he's not attentive to your needs in the grand scheme of things. One month in you shouldn't have to show him how to treat you, he should be excited to see you and treat you as best as he can to keep you around. I'm not saying don't continue seeing him but I'd keep it casual and throw any idea that this has relationship potential out the window. I'm 29 and still drink and yeah still party like that once in a while but if he's acting like this repeated, like I said prepare for more or the same. I'd start distancing yourself and cut your losses. You deserve a man who gives you the affection you desire and isn't drunk all the time. Do you want a man like that raising your children? That's a ways out obviously but worth thinking about if you really want to invest. You can do better hun. 2
Zahara Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 . Regardless of faults I still believe something might come out of us but only if I communicate what I need and he at least respects my feelings. Maybe it's too early to request my needs but he needs to know last night was ridiculous and I'm awful at this kind of thing I think we make too many excuses and we shield ourselves and shut our eyes from the very blatant reality of what's before us because we want it too much. So much that even when it's slapping you in the face, we make justifications and tolerate obvious bad behavior. There is no need to request a basic need - when you court someone, paying attention and being present in that courtship is a basic need. Giving someone affection is a basic need. This is nothing out of the ordinary that needs to be asked for or requested. A man will want to be affectionate, will want to show you attention -- when he is interested and involved. If he is behaving this way so soon in your courtship, what do you think is going to happen when comfort and monotony sets in. He doesn't care to show you attention. Doesn't care to show you affection. Doesn't care to be present and sober so that he can appreciate you intimately. Doesn't care to even impress you. Having experienced a man like this, it doesn't get better. They may change and appease you, provide you with excuses as to why they do this and do that and things will get better but soon they settle back in their patterns. He's showing you who he is. 3
atlg8r Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 A 30 year old man addicted to video games? Nope, thanks anyway.At what time did he pick you up from the dentist? I would assume during business hours, and he's already drunk? Nope, thanks anyway. Sounds like a waste of time to me. 1
whirl3daway Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 A 30 year old man addicted to video games? Nope, thanks anyway. kinda offtopic, but most 30 year old men I know (my last 3 boyfriends at least) have all been addicted to video games/porn. It seems to be a thing of guys of this age. Or... the ones that like me, at least lol.
atlg8r Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 kinda offtopic, but most 30 year old men I know (my last 3 boyfriends at least) have all been addicted to video games/porn. It seems to be a thing of guys of this age. Or... the ones that like me, at least lol. Maybe that's why it took me so long to find a man to settle down with... lol
Author FaithInTheDark Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 You guys and girls have given me some really solid feedback... Better feedback than any of my friends. I agree too, if he is acting this way this early on this is a big red flag and yes I shouldn't have to request basic needs. I have accepted any potential is gone but I may keep it casual and take him for what he is. A friend. Not even a hook up due to him not being able to even perform. Haha. I think at times I'm willing to look past way too much. Thanks so much and if anything arises I'll keep you posted. 1
Arieswoman Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 FITD, I'm wondering if I should express how I felt last night and call him out on this behaviour. No. And don't call him ever again. This guy is a loser and a drunken one at that. Our sexual encounters are epic fails I think mostly bc of him being intoxicated. So what, precisely, are you getting out of this ? don't want to stop seeing him cus of his drunkeness. Whaaaat? Don't you think you deserve an attentive loving, sober boyfriend? Please dump this turkey and find a guy who really wants to be with you. He's not capable of being friends with you either IMO, as it seems his best friend is a bottle. 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 Again I completely agree, there's no excuse for that kind of crap and yeah wtf am I getting out of this whole thing. We texted today and I decided to just let him know he was drunk and was super rude to me. He said he usually doesn't do that and he doesn't remember. He said that he owed me a big apology ... I let him know that it wasn't cool at all and he said he was really sorry and it won't happen . I suggested next time we should do something it won't involve drinking and he agreed. Just to be clear , I am not going to forget about this and invest much energy into him unless he proves he deserves that. This thread put a lot into perspective. I admit i am kind if happy he says he was sorry bc it seems like he cares but the biggest thing is actions speak louder than words. He needs to kick it up a notch and fulfill my needs or it's goodbye for good.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Again I completely agree, there's no excuse for that kind of crap and yeah wtf am I getting out of this whole thing. We texted today and I decided to just let him know he was drunk and was super rude to me. He said he usually doesn't do that and he doesn't remember. He said that he owed me a big apology ... I let him know that it wasn't cool at all and he said he was really sorry and it won't happen . I suggested next time we should do something it won't involve drinking and he agreed. Just to be clear , I am not going to forget about this and invest much energy into him unless he proves he deserves that. This thread put a lot into perspective. I admit i am kind if happy he says he was sorry bc it seems like he cares but the biggest thing is actions speak louder than words. He needs to kick it up a notch and fulfill my needs or it's goodbye for good. You can't teach an old dog new tricks but who knows. I guess it's always good to give people a second chance but if this guy acts so idiotic again... leave him! He's on thin ice.
atlg8r Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Seriously, anyone getting that drunk during business hours has a problem.
mtber75 Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Maybe he felt that he could do this because you get drunk with him before. He feels comfortable around you? I would definitely call him out on this. But I would give him break since you get drunk with him also. 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 Maybe he felt that he could do this because you get drunk with him before. He feels comfortable around you? I would definitely call him out on this. But I would give him break since you get drunk with him also. That's true. We have drank quite a bit together before,I'm not angel as I do enjoy my drinks but certainly never act like that. He has told me he feels comfortable around me so yeah probably thought getting drunk as no big deal since I've been drunk around him I believe in second chances and we agreed no drinking again. He seemed sincere about his apology but he's on thin ice.. And think I need a break from him for a bit... I've realized I'm not getting much out of this guy so no point putting much into him. It's up to him cus I think he gets I won't deal with that.
Author FaithInTheDark Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 Maybe he felt that he could do this because you get drunk with him before. He feels comfortable around you? I would definitely call him out on this. But I would give him break since you get drunk with him also. That's true. We have drank quite a bit together before,I'm not angel as I do enjoy my drinks but certainly never act like that. He has told me he feels comfortable around me so yeah probably thought getting drunk as no big deal since I've been drunk around him I believe in second chances and we agreed no drinking again. He seemed sincere about his apology but he's on thin ice.. And think I need a break from him for a bit... I've realized I'm not getting much out of this guy so no point putting much into him. It's up to him cus I think he gets I won't deal with that.
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