Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Yes but how many of us are 'healthy adults', we are all dysfunctional in a way or another, and divorced parents are living in guilt day in and day out. No one is perfectly balanced. We do our best with what we have . My daughter was 13 when I divorced and I would have never prioritized a man over her. Even now, she's 26, if she calls me cause her boyfriend hurt her, I will up and go see her and boyfriend will wait. That is also why even today I do not date men that are not fathers. Once you become a parent there is something that changes in us and only another parent understand. Justifying rude behavior because "nobody's perfect" is a cop-out. If we were dating and you canceled dinner plans just because your daughter had an argument with her bf, that would be a red flag on yoooooooou! 3
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Justifying rude behavior because "nobody's perfect" is a cop-out. If we were dating and you canceled dinner plans just because your daughter had an argument with her bf, that would be a red flag on yoooooooou! haha, it's just a matter of personal priorities. Is she able to live with his priorities? I feel if she were a parent herself she would be more understanding, she would still think it's suck but she would understand better. I gave my daughter as an example but I also put my dog before my boyfriend
Els Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 haha, it's just a matter of personal priorities. Is she able to live with his priorities? I feel if she were a parent herself she would be more understanding, she would still think it's suck but she would understand better. I gave my daughter as an example but I also put my dog before my boyfriend I think the bottom line here is that the OP doesn't feel comfortable with proceeding with the R given what he did, and many of us feel that she has every right to choose to leave him. Better to cut her losses now, as this is not a simple issue to fix. Justifying what he did by saying you'd do the same doesn't really apply. If you are able to find a partner who's comfortable with you constantly blowing off paid-for plans to watch TV with your dog or daughter, great for you. 2
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I think the bottom line here is that the OP doesn't feel comfortable with proceeding with the R given what he did, and many of us feel that she has every right to choose to leave him. Better to cut her losses now, as this is not a simple issue to fix. Justifying what he did by saying you'd do the same doesn't really apply. If you are able to find a partner who's comfortable with you constantly blowing off paid-for plans to watch TV with your dog or daughter, great for you. What about blowing off plans to do laundry? 1
LordVader Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I can't watch that show, the last girl I crushed on used to watch it with her BF, and I couldn't make it through the 1st episode without getting lost in my head
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I think the bottom line here is that the OP doesn't feel comfortable with proceeding with the R given what he did, and many of us feel that she has every right to choose to leave him. Better to cut her losses now, as this is not a simple issue to fix. Justifying what he did by saying you'd do the same doesn't really apply. If you are able to find a partner who's comfortable with you constantly blowing off paid-for plans to watch TV with your dog or daughter, great for you. You are blowing this out of proportion. Her bf did not know she had paid tickets. If he had known I am 100% he would not have blown the date. And the comment about my dog was meant to be humorous, geez !!
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 What about blowing off plans to do laundry? Very funny
seekingpeaceinlove Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 (edited) My ex was a single dad of a 6 year old son and he would have never cancelled on me unless it was an emergency. Ex was extremely considerate of me and the time we spent. I never once pressured or made him feel bad if he wasn't available for a date due to his son's little league or school activity. Yes, it's tough dating someone with a child and you will never be the priority (and rightly so) but your partner should also be considerate with you and your time as well. The respect, consideration, effort and understanding goes both ways. Maybe if OP's bf was apologetic and promised to make it up to her the situation would have turned out different. Inconsiderate behavior, with child or without a child, is not acceptable. Edited April 11, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove 1
Sunfire73 Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I think it was wrong for him to cancel for you. But then I also think that it was not enough reason for you to break up with him. You can talk about your expectations in a relationship first then you can decide if it won't work. There is no parenting style that works for every relationship. Each parental situation is different. It's just that you have to compromise what will work in your relationship. No one can tell you what you are comfortable with, because it's you who will deal with it. Just be honest to each other. I am a single parent too to 2 teen girls. Yes they are already teens, but they still can be difficult and may feel jealous from time to time. They are still my priority, and I do make it a point to spend enough time with them as well as my boyfriend and other areas of my life. They are my kids but they are not my whole life. I instill boundaries, and give them space to grow on their own, spend time with their own friends or develop new hobbies. They need to slowly practice independence from me, and they won't learn if I constantly heed every call they make. They know which days I see my boyfriend, and they are still adjusting to accept that. It's a way to practice boundaries and respect. It helps us all in the end.
Chocolat Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 You are blowing this out of proportion. Her bf did not know she had paid tickets. If he had known I am 100% he would not have blown the date. He knew. She didn't spring this on him as a surprise. She specifically cleared the date with him: Since he's been planning our dates lately, I ask if I can reserve him for Sunday, and I'll plan a nice date. Great! All good. He says, 'I'm all yours'. To me, the money is secondary. She planned a date and, as part of her planning, took the step of confirming his availability, to which he said, "I'm all yours!" Now, if someone tells me that they are planning a "nice date" with me, I understand that this means there is effort being made; it's not just a day of hanging about. And while I might not know for sure that tickets were being purchased, I'd certainly allow for this possibility. But ultimately, the expenditure of money isn't the issue, but rather that she put time and energy into their time together, which apparently had little value to him. 2
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I am interested to know what he said when she told him <but I bought tickets!>!
Valen Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I just downloaded season 1 of this series because of this thread. If a man is willing to cancel a date with a girl over a show. Then I must watch this show. 2
ponchsox Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 I would have cancelled a threesome with Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Beil for Game of Thrones. 1
Els Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 You are blowing this out of proportion. Her bf did not know she had paid tickets. If he had known I am 100% he would not have blown the date. And the comment about my dog was meant to be humorous, geez !! She said that she had specifically informed him that she had bought tickets. You seem to be just finding excuse after excuse for him. My comment about the dog was also meant in jest, by the way.
Author hmmmmmmmm Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 So here is a little update for all of you who were so kind to share your feedback on this situation. We met for dinner last night, and we were able to have a very good meeting of the minds. In this situation, we both feel that the rest of what is great about the newly forming relationship outweighs the struggles we may face with the co-parenting situation. I'm confident we will find ways to make this work if we keep communicating about it. What I would have done differently: 1 -I would have made it more clear, earlier, that I was planning something special. 2 - When I was upset that he cancelled, I would have taken more time to think about it before reacting. 3- I would have asked for more information about his side of the story and the underlying unspoken bits of it. 3 - Perhaps most importantly I would have spoken to him in person about it. I don't know what will happen, but I'm going to put my best effort in. He's a real catch and I'm going to give him the respect he deserves as he does the best he can as a single parent. Thanks again for all the comments! 1
MissBee Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 You are perfectly reasonable telling him that does not work for you. He is perfectly reasonable in prioritizing time with his son over time with you. He seemed pretty straightforward about it and comfortable with his position. It is an example of why some people are reluctant to date single parents. Precisely. We can all choose what we want to deal with and what we don't. Dating someone with a child is different than dating a single person and for some, it simply won't suit their needs, and that's fine. I have dated men with children but they'v e never broken off our dates to watch a tv show with their child.... Prioritizing your child doesn't mean that every and all plans have to be dropped if at the last minute they want to do something. Of course if it was a big event, or he had promised him previously, or he hadn't seen him in a while and it just came up that they could spend this time together or it was an emergency, OF COURSE he should cancel, but to cancel simply because his child wants to watch a show....in such a case he could have compromised. DVR and the internet exist. He could have kept the plans he already made with you and that you worked on and reschedule with his son. I am sure his world would not have been shattered if he had done that. There has to be some balance and it seems his idea of prioritizing his child might be excessive. In any event you were right for deciding it didn't work for you and moving on. He didn't at all seem to want to compromise and you'd have only grown more and more frustrated. As I said, I have dated men with children and this never happened. Sometimes plans would be rearranged at the last second sometimes but for the most part there was always some compromise that wasn't detrimental to their child and if we had plans way in advance, they didn't cancel them.
gaius Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Since it's Sunday I'm assuming hmmm's guy will be choosing a young boy over her again. :bunny: Maybe he'll have a few of his son's friends over as well. 1
passion_flower Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 The guy sounds like he is too nice. I think you reacted in a way I would have done if the same had been done to me. Like others have said, there is prioritising your child then dropping everything at the drop of a hat to tend to their every whim no matter how unimportant. The main issue here is that you had already made plans and he'd confirmed them. If the kid was ill then it might be understandable but at 13 a kid should be old enough to realise their parents have a life outside of them and sometimes they're not always going to get their own way. I'd be very worried if I were you about pursuing this relationship if the guy thinks his behaviour is justifiable just over a tv show. 1
Chubbi Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 So here is a little update for all of you who were so kind to share your feedback on this situation. We met for dinner last night, and we were able to have a very good meeting of the minds. In this situation, we both feel that the rest of what is great about the newly forming relationship outweighs the struggles we may face with the co-parenting situation. I'm confident we will find ways to make this work if we keep communicating about it. What I would have done differently: 1 -I would have made it more clear, earlier, that I was planning something special. 2 - When I was upset that he cancelled, I would have taken more time to think about it before reacting. 3- I would have asked for more information about his side of the story and the underlying unspoken bits of it. 3 - Perhaps most importantly I would have spoken to him in person about it. I don't know what will happen, but I'm going to put my best effort in. He's a real catch and I'm going to give him the respect he deserves as he does the best he can as a single parent. Thanks again for all the comments! Good. And what is he going to do differently? 3
somedude81 Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I hope you guys don't have a date planned for tonight...... 1
Gaeta Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I don't think it's up to us to decide what is important for this man and his son. Maybe for this man watching this particular show with his son is a priority for some reasons we are not aware of. This story has a good ending, sounds like in the future there will be better communication concerning priorities, dates, and planning ahead.
Author hmmmmmmmm Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) Delete comment. Edited April 14, 2014 by hmmmmmmmm
Nereid Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 hey why is he letting his kid watch that particular show! Yeah, it's a little weird to let your 13-year-old watch GoT, because there's a lot of boobs and weiners and sex workers and head-chopping and stabbing and general murder in that show, but different parents have different standards for what they let their early-teen children watch, so what can you do? It is what it is. I haven't seen Game of Thrones yet but after all this hype I'm gonna have to download it. You better! You don't know what you're missing! Start marathoning it from the beginning. You'll thank me. Then you'll understand why it's okay to cancel dates to watch it. It's like crack. IMO if your date isn't down with GoT then (s)he's not worth dating
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 I don't think it's up to us to decide what is important for this man and his son. Maybe for this man watching this particular show with his son is a priority for some reasons we are not aware of. This story has a good ending, sounds like in the future there will be better communication concerning priorities, dates, and planning ahead. If it was so important then why would he schedule a date at the same time? It's just weird.
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