Date cancelled to watch Game of Thrones

[Gaeta]

I still want to know how long you've been dating.

 

(just saw you were not introduce to his son)

 

Yes he tried to explain himself, he tried to explain to her for 45 minutes over the phone.

Edited April 10, 2014 by Gaeta

[soccerrprp]

Yes he tried to explain himself, he tried to explain to her for 45 minutes over the phone.

 

Thanks, missed that.

 

 

 

He did try to talk about it for 45 minutes, and he said at one point, 'I can see you have made up your mind'. And essentially I told him if this was how he would be when his son wanted to come over from the Mom's house to watch tv, when we already had plans, then I would not ever become okay with that. But I'm hearing a few people say he was just not that into me. That hurts. He sure seemed to be when he told me he was falling in love with me. What's the point of saying that? He tells me all the time how much he likes me, and lots of things about how he can't wait to spend more time together, etc. I don't get it.

 

I guess in the end it's always the same; people's actions speak louder than their words.

 

Not certain why such a conversation had to take 45-minutes. It should have been simple and by the way you walked away, his explanations were either unsatisfactory on a number of levels or you were being unreasonable in his mind.

 

Yes, actions are more important than words. He was falling in love with you? What exactly did HE say? How did he try to explain away his reasons for canceling? Did he understand you POV?

[Gaeta]

I am going to elaborate here, because I have time

 

I think OP had been building up resentment toward her bf for devoting a lot of time to his son = needing to explain first in her post that his son had broken a leg and dad was taking care of him.

 

For us parents it would not be an issue to underline but for someone who's never had children it's days on the calendar going by without seeing him. It's days devoted to the son and not to her.

 

We don't know, maybe OP kept making little comments here and there that got the bf think she doesn't understand his role as a father.

 

She says first half was devoted to son and we know a broken leg means 4-5 weeks in a cast so this relationship is fairly new.

 

Spending 45 minutes debating this over the phone means it's not a new issue, it's been up in the air for a while.

 

13 is also a very critical age, not quite a child, not quite a teen. My ex boyfriend had a 13 yo boy and he cancelled many times last minute because his son wanted to come over to watch sports with his dad. It's tv to you, for them it's bonding time.

[Jethro]

To the OP, you will be better off finding a mate without children. Parents will ALWAYS bend over backwards for their children and you will NEVER be priority over them, not ever. Either be ok with it or just be smarter about your romantic prospects in the future.

[Chocolat]

He did try to talk about it for 45 minutes, and he said at one point, 'I can see you have made up your mind'. And essentially I told him if this was how he would be when his son wanted to come over from the Mom's house to watch tv, when we already had plans, then I would not ever become okay with that. But I'm hearing a few people say he was just not that into me. That hurts. He sure seemed to be when he told me he was falling in love with me. What's the point of saying that? He tells me all the time how much he likes me, and lots of things about how he can't wait to spend more time together, etc. I don't get it.

 

I guess in the end it's always the same; people's actions speak louder than their words.

 

It does sound like he wasn't that into you, but it could also be that he just doesn't know how to be a divorced dad who is dating. Some parents are too busy being friends with their kids to do much actual parenting. And if you add a divorce and possibly issues with the ex (such as power plays over the child) into the mix, you now have a guy who possibly wasn't a strong parent to begin with who is now dealing with emotions and situations he is clueless about.

 

Which still doesn't make him ready for an adult relationship.

 

 

Thank you for this post. All of them have been helpful, but tonight I was considering calling him to let him know I could see his side of this. After reading what you wrote, I realize I would be risking him taking that as condoning his actions and opening the door for him to do this again. So I have to walk away from this. I'm so sad. I thought we were actually really onto something.

 

Sadly, I think this is your best bet. When you doubt yourself, reread Grumpy's post because he is spot on.

[Els]

Yeah, I agree with Grumps. If it had been an emergency, or if he'd made plans with the boy before you two had arranged anything, that would be a different story.

 

IMO it actually harms the kid to know that his father is going to cancel plans with a partner to watch TV with him. Kids don't actually need to have every single thing they want, at the very instant they want it. A firm parent would have told the kid that he would watch it with him the next day (seriously, stream it, or if you are absolutely opposed to that then record it).

 

Either he is unable to set boundaries for his son, or he doesn't really care about going out with you. Both are bad news.

 

(And yeah, I disagree with a 13 yo being allowed to watch that show too)

[Hello_is_it_me]

How many months you dated?

 

Are you a parent yourself?

 

I think you over reacted. You need to understand that children will always come first for important and non important stuff. I would not date a man that would do otherwise. To you it's something trivial, for them it's not. If he had said no his son would have been disappointed, your bf would have gone a date with you but wouldn't be able to enjoy himself.

 

Sounds like you were already annoyed at the fact he had to spend a lot of time with his son previously to this incident.

 

Disagree. The guy's setting a precedent early that I don't like.

[atlg8r]

I think it's reasonable that his child comes first. However, I don't know that saying it would always be that way is okay. What if his child decides he wants to go fishing on the day you plan your wedding?

 

Seems like there would be SOME line drawn, like if you have hard and fast plans that can't be broken easily. Or, maybe he would just never want to make plans like that. Sounds like you two wouldn't be compatible though.

[TheGuard13]

Did you ask whether you could come over and watch Game of Thrones with them?

[Els]

This guy dodged a bullet.

 

 

Another perfect example of women finding out what a guy likes to do and then take it away from the guy, or make him feel guilty because it competes with them for his time.

 

Yes, I'm certain that will be your response when your next date cancels on you and your paid-for tickets at the last minute because she wanted to do a pedicure.

[PogoStick]

It was Game of Thrones.

[hmmmmmmmm]

So there may be another chapter to this story.

 

I contacted him to let him know that I was feeling badly thinking of all of the ways that he been good to me and tried to reach out to me during the time we have been dating. I didn't like how we left things and wanted to be fair that in fact he had tried quite genuinely to show his interest in me.

 

Some people have asked about the time period - it's only been a few months, and I have not met his children. His last girlfriend apparently left without a lot of warning and didn't stay in contact with his daughter, who she was close to. Neither of us feel it would be time for me to meet his kids until we felt we were going to pursue a relationship.

 

We are going to have a conversation this weekend in person, which is what we should have done originally. I'm nervous about that. I'm not sure what to say. I do like him a lot, and I was excited about where things were going, but this pulled the rug out from under me quite a bit.

 

I do think it's important for a father to set a good example about respecting people, and not cancel for a last minute tv request. But honestly reading how many people objected, and feel that it's totally reasonable for him to cancel anything, at any time, for any reason, small or minuscule, told me there is a whole side of this that I obviously don't understand. Some people commented that they have kids the same age and they would have handled this by telling the son they could come over to watch the show the next night, some said no way and he should get what he wants regardless of the parents' plans, and some even said hey why is he letting his kid watch that particular show!!! lol! I haven't seen Game of Thrones yet but after all this hype I'm gonna have to download it.

 

Perhaps the most disconcerting comments I heard, that may be the hardest to hear and made me the most sad, were the ones saying that he would not have done this if he had really been into me. Ouch. Honestly that's what it felt like to me too. He dropped the L-bomb on me three days prior, which I didn't reciprocate due to the early timing, so it even felt like maybe he was punishing me for that as he had started to withdraw afterwards a bit anyway. Hard to know.

 

Wish me luck this weekend.

[hmmmmmmmm]

How many months you dated?

 

Are you a parent yourself?

 

I think you over reacted. You need to understand that children will always come first for important and non important stuff. I would not date a man that would do otherwise. To you it's something trivial, for them it's not. If he had said no his son would have been disappointed, your bf would have gone a date with you but wouldn't be able to enjoy himself.

 

Sounds like you were already annoyed at the fact he had to spend a lot of time with his son previously to this incident.

 

 

I really want to quote this particular comment and respond to it:

 

Do you really stand behind the position that children always come first for important and non-important stuff? All of the people I grew up with were... children, and none of their parents, or my parents, prioritized us for non-important stuff (at least not all the time!). That would have been very silly.

 

You say if he said no his son would have been disappointed - are you saying that parents should agree to all requests in order to never disappoint their children? I'm sorry, I'm really going to disagree with all of this.

 

You would not date a man who didn't say yes to everything his children wanted? That sounds pretty weird to me. Just saying. With respect of course. What kind of son would that be raising?

 

And regarding the comment that I was annoyed that he had to spend a lot of time with his son previously - yes in fact there were a few times when he said he wanted to take more time with me, would I plan to be available longer for the evening, and then left to get his son McDonalds when he texted that he wanted it, or pick up some skis he bought, or similar. I took it pretty well (I did express my disappointment though), but I also bought into the explanation that this was 'not how things usually were' because of the broken leg, and his promised that things would be different afterward. So I waited quite patiently and truly my concern was with the son healing.

 

I want people to be good for their word and be respectful and adult. That's all.

[Els]

 

I do think it's important for a father to set a good example about respecting people, and not cancel for a last minute tv request. But honestly reading how many people objected, and feel that it's totally reasonable for him to cancel anything, at any time, for any reason, small or minuscule, told me there is a whole side of this that I obviously don't understand. Some people commented that they have kids the same age and they would have handled this by telling the son they could come over to watch the show the next night, some said no way and he should get what he wants regardless of the parents' plans, and some even said hey why is he letting his kid watch that particular show!!! lol! I haven't seen Game of Thrones yet but after all this hype I'm gonna have to download it.

 

I've watched it, and owned all the books even before it was ever made into a TV series. Seriously, it's great stuff, but there is something wrong with a person if he is cancelling on you (especially given that you have already paid for tickets) to watch that. We're not even in the dark ages anymore, shows can be watched at any time online.

 

Perhaps the most disconcerting comments I heard, that may be the hardest to hear and made me the most sad, were the ones saying that he would not have done this if he had really been into me. Ouch. Honestly that's what it felt like to me too. He dropped the L-bomb on me three days prior, which I didn't reciprocate due to the early timing, so it even felt like maybe he was punishing me for that as he had started to withdraw afterwards a bit anyway. Hard to know.

 

 

Yes, it really does seem that way to me unfortunately. Either that or he's the sort of parent who spoils his child rotten. Or, perhaps he truly needed time to bond with his child because he hadn't all week and this was the opportunity. But even that means that he doesn't have the time to date right now, so there's no reason you should hang around IMO.

[soccerrprp]

My feeling is that healthy adults with a healthy relationship with his/her children AND who are dating know how and want to manage and balance their time between their child and dating. If there is no emergency, an adult keeps his date. I managed to date successfully with two children under the age of 8. It's amazing how adaptable and understanding children can be when they are aware that their parent(s) have another role other than parent. I don't know anyone who would support the idea that a parent should devote every minute of their lives for their children. It's unhealthy, unreasonable and impractical.

 

Every individual human being have their OWN needs. But I would also like to add that, as an adult, respect, consideration for another should not be compromised for a child unless there is some compelling reason to do so.

 

My gf and I would not be where we are now if we BOTH didn't make sacrifices, if we hadn't made some commitment to see where the relationship could go. A few hours in a day will not (or should no) take away from any healthy bond a parent and child(ren) have.

[Gaeta]

I really want to quote this particular comment and respond to it:

 

Do you really stand behind the position that children always come first for important and non-important stuff? All of the people I grew up with were... children, and none of their parents, or my parents, prioritized us for non-important stuff (at least not all the time!). That would have been very silly.

 

You say if he said no his son would have been disappointed - are you saying that parents should agree to all requests in order to never disappoint their children? I'm sorry, I'm really going to disagree with all of this.

 

You would not date a man who didn't say yes to everything his children wanted? That sounds pretty weird to me. Just saying. With respect of course. What kind of son would that be raising?

 

And regarding the comment that I was annoyed that he had to spend a lot of time with his son previously - yes in fact there were a few times when he said he wanted to take more time with me, would I plan to be available longer for the evening, and then left to get his son McDonalds when he texted that he wanted it, or pick up some skis he bought, or similar. I took it pretty well (I did express my disappointment though), but I also bought into the explanation that this was 'not how things usually were' because of the broken leg, and his promised that things would be different afterward. So I waited quite patiently and truly my concern was with the son healing.

 

I want people to be good for their word and be respectful and adult. That's all.

Damn it ! wrote a long answer and lost it !

 

I still would like to know how many months you've been dating? There is a difference between dating under 3 months and dating for 9 months.

 

I don't think it's fair to compare children when we were young to children today. In the past 20 years we have the phenomenon 'children are king' that we did not have when we grew up. Divorced fathers are made to feel guilt nowadays like never before.

 

Yes I said children have priorities for important and non important things. To be there for the non-important is as important. To you and I watching the Premier of Games of Throne may seem a non important event but for a dad and his son it falls in the 'important' category. Put yourself in your bf shoes' he has a 13 yo son calling him : Dad you promised we would watch it together!! I don't want to watch it another night, my friends will all watch it tonight.

 

I am not saying he should cancel for every little trivial things, I am saying some of that non-important stuff is important between a son a dad.

 

What really is bothering you here is that you had bought tickets. It sucks but when dating a single dad you've got to plan even your surprises. I dated a man that had a 13 yo and he randomly cancelled our dated as well for 'men time' with his son. When I was planning something with him I would make a point of reminding him: 'Remember Saturday the 2nd don't promise anything to anyone we go to the movies'. I would remind him a few times like this so I knew I would not have surprises.

 

I really think you over reacted when you broke up with him. A divorce father needs understanding and flexibility from his girlfriend and what you did is break up with him on 'principals' without even taking a time out. In everything he needs to deal with he may not want this type of guilt trip in his life.

[Gaeta]

My feeling is that healthy adults with a healthy relationship with his/her children AND who are dating know how and want to manage and balance their time between their child and dating.

Yes but how many of us are 'healthy adults', we are all dysfunctional in a way or another, and divorced parents are living in guilt day in and day out. No one is perfectly balanced. We do our best with what we have . My daughter was 13 when I divorced and I would have never prioritized a man over her. Even now, she's 26, if she calls me cause her boyfriend hurt her, I will up and go see her and boyfriend will wait. That is also why even today I do not date men that are not fathers. Once you become a parent there is something that changes in us and only another parent understand.

[justhadto]

A few things:

 

1. HBO Go. End of story

2. But as others have pointed out, this was about his son not the TV show

3. You will always come after his children. That's just how it is and should be

4. He could have done a better job handling it with his son and with you

5. I don't think you should date single dads

6 WTF is he thinking letting a 13 year old watch that show?

7. It was the Game of Thrones season premier though. That's a big deal

 

My dad said "I have to call my mom to see if I can watch got" When I told him the premier was to be on later.

[justhadto]

He did try to talk about it for 45 minutes, and he said at one point, 'I can see you have made up your mind'. And essentially I told him if this was how he would be when his son wanted to come over from the Mom's house to watch tv, when we already had plans, then I would not ever become okay with that. But I'm hearing a few people say he was just not that into me. That hurts. He sure seemed to be when he told me he was falling in love with me. What's the point of saying that? He tells me all the time how much he likes me, and lots of things about how he can't wait to spend more time together, etc. I don't get it.

 

I guess in the end it's always the same; people's actions speak louder than their words.

 

VERY much so and don't forget it my sistah.

[ChatroomHero]

I have two young children and they are my FIRST priority, BUT.....

 

I am a devoted father with adult needs and wants. If I make a date, I keep it UNLESS there is an emergency with my children. Watching Game of Thrones is not an emergency. In fact, one would think it easy enough to accommodate both by video-taping the show, go on the date and pick-up the boy later of the next day to watch the show together. Easy peasy...

 

Allow me to be bold to say....HE WAS NOT THAT INTO YOU to think to cancel last minute AND allow you to go so easily.

 

 

 

My ex had kids and she was the opposite, it was always, "the kids come first, the kids come first" with me. However, when I bought tickets to an event she wanted to go to, for her and her sister, she was able to co-ordinate all the kids activities for that night on a day's notice and didn't seem too concerned about putting the kids first that night. In fact she easily found a way to reschedule two things she was going to take the kids to.

 

 

It's one thing that the "kids come first", but that does not mean every time little Billy farts Mommy and Daddy come running to fan the fumes. What is the dad teaching the kid about commitment and respecting other people? NADA.

 

 

I think it is one thing if the OP's ex had all the visitation and he had very little time with the kid, but it sounds like this guy sees the kid plenty. I have a feeling the guy has made personal plans without his kid on days when he is supposed to be putting the kid "first".

[Chocolat]

I am a little dismayed at the number of parents who are justifying this guy's behavior, particularly under the notion that "kids come first." Yes, kids come first if there is a crisis or an emergency, but an essential part of living in a cooperative society is teaching kids qualities like patience and respect and empathy.

 

And yes, I "get" that this particular kid is the product of a divorce but as a once-divorced-parent, that doesn't mean that raising a self-centered tyrant has to be the by-product.

 

He may well be suffering from guilt and, for that, I feel for him. But decisions made out of guilt are rarely good ones, as evidenced here. He had committed to an evening out with the OP, told her to organize it, and then cancelled at the last minute for a decided non-emergency.

 

My feeling is that this guy is not ready to date. If he convinces the OP to get back together with him, I suspect she will find herself riding this wave again and again, with varying excuses.

[mikefromtheblock]

I never care when a date cancels, heck most of the time I am relieved.

 

Then shouldn't date that person in the first place.

[Hello_is_it_me]

I am a little dismayed at the number of parents who are justifying this guy's behavior, particularly under the notion that "kids come first." Yes, kids come first if there is a crisis or an emergency, but an essential part of living in a cooperative society is teaching kids qualities like patience and respect and empathy.

 

Agreed. It's bizarre how they can justify rude behavior.

[soccerrprp]

Yes but how many of us are 'healthy adults', we are all dysfunctional in a way or another, and divorced parents are living in guilt day in and day out. No one is perfectly balanced. We do our best with what we have . My daughter was 13 when I divorced and I would have never prioritized a man over her. Even now, she's 26, if she calls me cause her boyfriend hurt her, I will up and go see her and boyfriend will wait. That is also why even today I do not date men that are not fathers. Once you become a parent there is something that changes in us and only another parent understand.

 

The level of dysfunction varies from person to person. I understand that my word usage of "healthy" is relative, but if I truly believe that if one cannot separate themselves for even a short time period from their children, well, then there are some emotional (guilt), relational (an ex, custody) issues that make dating inconvenient and therefore, to be fair, should not date if he/she cannot give commitment to the person he/she is dating. If your ISSUES are too much that you become inconsiderate, flaky, then don't date. Otherwise, be respectful enough to....well...to be respectful of other's time and effort. I don't know if this guy works, but do you think he'd balk if his employer asked him to come in? Perhaps, but he would not make as much of a fuss...it's about priorities.

[Gaeta]

I am still waiting to hear from OP how long they've been dating and how long he's been divorced.

 

The answer is never black or white.