hmmmmmmmm Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Hi folks, I'm really in need of a second opinion here. I've been dating a guy a few months. It's been getting more serious, and last week he told me he is falling in love with me. During the first part of our relationship, he couldn't spend a lot of time with me because his 13 year old son broke his leg!! Poor kid. It was quite a bad break. I haven't met his son, and the son normally stays week on/week off with the mother, but wanted to do his recovery at his dad's. After this period passed of healing, my guy insisted he would have more time for me. No problem! I'm busy too. I've been hoping his son would feel better, and that we can get closer slowly over time. This time passed, and the son was back staying at the mother's house, which is normal for them to share week on week off. So far so good! He's saying he can't wait to spend more time with me. Since he's been planning our dates lately, I ask if I can reserve him for Sunday, and I'll plan a nice date. Great! All good. He says, 'I'm all yours'. I bought tickets to the improv, planned a nice restaurant. Yay! So excited. He didn't know about the exact plans I'd made, but he knew I'd made plans. At 1pm on Sunday he cancels. His son is staying at his mom's, but the son wants to come over to watch Game of Thrones. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He cancelled the date. I told him calmly that I was quite disappointed, and my feelings were hurt. I pondered this for two days, then had a very, very calm and reasonable conversation where I asked him if this would be standard behavior. He confirmed that his kids come first, and he would not do anything differently. I very respectfully broke things off. I'm very sad about this - I really liked him and things were going very well in every other way. Am I being unreasonable in asserting that this would not work for me in the long term? I need some feedback. Very confused and still quite upset about it. I know kids come first, but HELLO! Cancelling to watch a tv show? That seems like he doesn't have healthy boundaries with his kids at all. Thanks for reading this. Please let it rip, whatever you think I'm all ears.
Lansing Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I don't think you are out of line. It isn't like the kid got hurt and he had to deal with it. Or if the kid was sick... It was for a TV show! I mean, they could have PVRed it and watched it another night. Also, they should have known the show was on more than a few hours before hand. How did he react to you breaking it off? Sounds like maybe he was looking for an excuse to end things and wanted to provoke you to break it off by his "stance" 2
clia Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I don't think you were unreasonable at all. Good riddance to him. 3
TXGuy Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 You are perfectly reasonable telling him that does not work for you. He is perfectly reasonable in prioritizing time with his son over time with you. He seemed pretty straightforward about it and comfortable with his position. It is an example of why some people are reluctant to date single parents. 9
Zahara Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 His priority is his child. And I believe him accommodating his child's needs, albeit a TV show stems from not having him full-time so whatever time that the child desires to spend with that parent becomes priority. My gf was this way. She would decline/cancel dates at the last minute if her son was requesting time with her. 1) She wanted to 2) She was prioritizing his needs and yes, child comes first 3) Guilt. In that sense, she realized she was not ready to date. 7
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 How many months you dated? Are you a parent yourself? I think you over reacted. You need to understand that children will always come first for important and non important stuff. I would not date a man that would do otherwise. To you it's something trivial, for them it's not. If he had said no his son would have been disappointed, your bf would have gone a date with you but wouldn't be able to enjoy himself. Sounds like you were already annoyed at the fact he had to spend a lot of time with his son previously to this incident. 5
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I just want to point that you titled this thread 'date cancelled to watch a show' but it should be 'date cancelled to spend time with son'. On his own he would not have cancelled your date to watch the show. 4
georgecostanza Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 You need to understand that Game of Thrones comes first. It just does. 25
mammasita Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 There's a fine line between prioritizing time with a child which I FULLY understand and maintaining a healthy adult relationship. This man did not do that. There's nothing wrong with dating a single parent who has healthy boundaries with their children. If it were me, I would have DVR'd the show and promised my son a "guys night" the following night. Sounds like it was his week with his dad coming up anyway. 7
HappyLove Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I think you two are not compatible. What's his 13 yr old son doing watching a show like that anyway? 2
ASG Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 You need to understand that Game of Thrones comes first. It just does. I was gonna say the exact same thing!!!! Now, jokes aside, if you can't deal with it, it is your right to break things off. I think you probably overreacted a little bit, but the thing is, you are entitled to your overreaction. Maybe next time you should go for someone without kids? Because in most cases, this will be a somewhat common occurrence with single dads.
Omei Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Im a little ticked you stated you think he doesn't have healthy boundies for his kids....because his son requested time with him? And you didnt get what you wanted? I understand your disappointment and to you its just a tv show. In his eyes he doesn't have full custody of his son, for his son to want to truly spend time with him of his own free will is a dream come true for dads no longer in the picture at all times it means hes doing a great job and his son genuinely wants to be with his father. A father will likely not say not today son im busy, a child that's in a split family needs to know he can be with his dad when he needs or wants to be. He will always drop everything for his kid that's what we parents do we are supposed to be the one person they can always count on and never be to busy to be with them or have our support be it just sitting on the couch side by side. Are you ready to be with someone like this? Its not going to change for you... For the reply's about saying he was being unreasonable those reply's are most likely from people who dont have kids at all and are still in the mindset of "only me" in the world. When you're a parent its "always them" always over me. 3
Allumere Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I think you had a reality check. Yes, this happens when dating folks with children, particularly when time with children is split. Last two gents I dated had kids and it was never an issue. One had kids 16 and older and was full time dad. They were at the "dad's ain't cool" stage anyway but I was brought into the fold and sometimes we did things all together. Second gent had two children, 15 and 12, but only had them on alternating weeks so if opportunities came up to spend more time with them he was all over it. Honestly I had zero problem with it. There were a couple times I made plans (going out of town events) that he had to cancel on last minute. Once because son had a blow-up with Mom and sister and wanted to stay with him and second because his daughter wanted to go to a party in the neighborhood he lived in and the ex refused to take her. Anyway I was disappointed and stated as much but it certainly isn't something he needed to feel any guilt over. With kids, stuff happens big and small, and as a parent you need to be there for them ESPECIALLY if they are seeking you out. With that unknown variable, I always made plans that I knew I could a) easily offload tickets b) get refundable airfare and c) hotels I could cancel last minute. Oh, and always having backup plans is good. 1
slizl Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I think you are both right: Him: His kid should be his #1 priority You: You deserve to be able to set up a date with your bf With that being said, if you have been dating a few months, maybe it's time to meet his son? Would you be upset if he had to cancel the date but invited you over to watch the show with him and his son?
Mrin Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 A few things: 1. HBO Go. End of story 2. But as others have pointed out, this was about his son not the TV show 3. You will always come after his children. That's just how it is and should be 4. He could have done a better job handling it with his son and with you 5. I don't think you should date single dads 6 WTF is he thinking letting a 13 year old watch that show? 7. It was the Game of Thrones season premier though. That's a big deal 4
soccerrprp Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I have two young children and they are my FIRST priority, BUT..... I am a devoted father with adult needs and wants. If I make a date, I keep it UNLESS there is an emergency with my children. Watching Game of Thrones is not an emergency. In fact, one would think it easy enough to accommodate both by video-taping the show, go on the date and pick-up the boy later of the next day to watch the show together. Easy peasy... Allow me to be bold to say....HE WAS NOT THAT INTO YOU to think to cancel last minute AND allow you to go so easily. 13
HappyLove Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I wonder if he made it up, forgot it was premier night and is blaming it on the son. I mean you have to wonder...the guy lets a 13 year old watch a show like that!
soccerrprp Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I wouldn't be surprised if he used his son as an excuse to stay home to watch the show for his personal enjoyment. 7
Chocolat Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I have two young children and they are my FIRST priority, BUT..... I am a devoted father with adult needs and wants. If I make a date, I keep it UNLESS there is an emergency with my children. Watching Game of Thrones is not an emergency. In fact, one would think it easy enough to accommodate both by video-taping the show, go on the date and pick-up the boy later of the next day to watch the show together. Easy peasy... Allow me to be bold to say....HE WAS NOT THAT INTO YOU to think to cancel last minute AND allow you to go so easily. This. As a parent, I would never cancel plans unless there was an emergency with one of my children. This is not a case of prioritizing his son but of being inconsiderate. 7
shet Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 You were upset because you'd made significant plans. That's understandable, but... you hadn't told him. If you had told him perhaps he'd have said don't, or perhaps he'd have moved his dad-son time. From his perspective he was just cancelling time with you for time with his son, not collapsing your booked and paid for plans. As others have said, nobody was wrong. You can tell this story and people will be on your side, he can tell it and they'll be on his. This is a textbook example of the single parent issue. You didn't sound like you burned the bridge. If you regret it you could patch it up. But it'll always be this way. Really, would you even want a guy with part custody of his children any other way? Would it really be better if he blew his kids off for you? If you're going to date single parents, don't you want them to be that dedicated to their children. 1
Omei Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 A few things: 1. HBO Go. End of story 2. But as others have pointed out, this was about his son not the TV show 3. You will always come after his children. That's just how it is and should be 4. He could have done a better job handling it with his son and with you 5. I don't think you should date single dads 6 WTF is he thinking letting a 13 year old watch that show? 7. It was the Game of Thrones season premier though. That's a big deal Do you think 13 year olds mindsets of 10 year olds? When I was 13 SouthPark had just come out it was all the rage and my parents couldn't stop me, all the kids were pissing off their parents watching it. 13 year old boys are already exploring their sexuality.
soccerrprp Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 You were upset because you'd made significant plans. That's understandable, but... you hadn't told him. If you had told him perhaps he'd have said don't, or perhaps he'd have moved his dad-son time. From his perspective he was just cancelling time with you for time with his son, not collapsing your booked and paid for plans. As others have said, nobody was wrong. You can tell this story and people will be on your side, he can tell it and they'll be on his. This is a textbook example of the single parent issue. You didn't sound like you burned the bridge. If you regret it you could patch it up. But it'll always be this way. Really, would you even want a guy with part custody of his children any other way? Would it really be better if he blew his kids off for you? If you're going to date single parents, don't you want them to be that dedicated to their children. I would sort of agree with this if not for this: Since he's been planning our dates lately, I ask if I can reserve him for Sunday, and I'll plan a nice date. Great! All good. He says, 'I'm all yours'. I bought tickets to the improv, planned a nice restaurant. Yay! So excited. He didn't know about the exact plans I'd made, but he knew I'd made plans. He knew there was a date planned.
Keenly Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 We all know the obvious solution. If he was a real fan, he would have planned AROUND it. No but seriously, it was about his son, and you want to make it about the show.
Keenly Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I wonder if he made it up, forgot it was premier night and is blaming it on the son. I mean you have to wonder...the guy lets a 13 year old watch a show like that! I was watching starship troopers when I was 11. I wasn't some how damaged by boobs and violence.
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