jay1983 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I have a 10 year old boy. I've been in his life since he was born. Recently I got laid off and receiving unemployment. Things are a little slow and it's been almost 6 weeks now. I see job posting in other locations that I pass up. My son lives with his mother, step dad, her mother and my mother is close by. I get him on the weekends and sometimes after school. I'm the only one that disciplines him. Anytime I get a call from his mother, I know before I answer, he's acting up or done some wrong. She even uses my name to intimidate him for example "if don't stop, I'm gonna call your father" I've talk to her husband about it and told him if you need to discipline him, please do so, but he won't do it. I'm not anywhere near the end of my benefits, but it not enough money and everyday I go unemployed is another day gone. I'm not sure whether I should try and wait this out, or start applying for jobs elsewhere just to get employed. I love my son and don't want leave, but I'm not providing much at moment and fear I may reach the end of benefits.
Tiger Lily Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Don't leave your son. He needs you! You do something for him no one else in the world can do, and that can't be done if you're living hours away. Imagine how fast these 10 years have gone by. Well, in a few short years, he'll be an adult and you'll then have all the time in the world to dedicate to a higher paying position. 2
Author jay1983 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 Don't leave your son. He needs you! You do something for him no one else in the world can do, and that can't be done if you're living hours away. Imagine how fast these 10 years have gone by. Well, in a few short years, he'll be an adult and you'll then have all the time in the world to dedicate to a higher paying position. Not so much higher paying, just a position. I'm just trying to get employed. I don't know long until it picks up here. My unemployment benefits run out 48 weeks from now. They barely give me enough to pay my bills, I haven't bought him or given his mother anything in other a month, it feels like crap. The other day I gave him $20 cause that's is all I could spare. I haul him around more cause I don't have a job right now, but even the gas is getting me. 1
Tiger Lily Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Not so much higher paying, just a position. I'm just trying to get employed. I don't know long until it picks up here. My unemployment benefits run out 48 weeks from now. They barely give me enough to pay my bills, I haven't bought him or given his mother anything in other a month, it feels like crap. The other day I gave him $20 cause that's is all I could spare. I haul him around more cause I don't have a job right now, but even the gas is getting me. I know, jay. It sucks, but don't give up! I can't believe you're giving him $20 though, lol. When I was that age, I thought a dollar was a lot! Anyway, I know you want to support him financially, but moving out of state doesn't seem worth the consequences. Are you expanding your job search to ANY reasonable position (and not necessarily the most desirable)? 2
Author jay1983 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 I know, jay. It sucks, but don't give up! I can't believe you're giving him $20 though, lol. When I was that age, I thought a dollar was a lot! Anyway, I know you want to support him financially, but moving out of state doesn't seem worth the consequences. Are you expanding your job search to ANY reasonable position (and not necessarily the most desirable)? He'll spend that on lunch money seriously that's nothing, his shoes, video games, soccer uniform, tutoring. I don't pay child support (not by law) so yeah I pay for all that stuff. I make good money when I'm employed so it's no biggie.
Smilecharmer Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 This is a terribly hard situation...I can't even imagine feeling like I have to choose between livelihood and my child. I agree with the previous poster, you are his dad and you are giving him the structure the other adults aren't giving him so it would be a shame if you had to move away. Keep trying to get a job close by or nearby...even if you have to commute it would be worth the long drive just to be in your boys life. I hope you find something soon. I feel so much compassion for your situation, jay. 1
Author jay1983 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 Gotcha, I'm not terribly worried yet. I've still got time, so I'm not up and going right now. Hopefully I get employed soon, I don't like this staying at home on the computer lol
bluegreen Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Very interesting question and one of the first things that come to my mind is how sometimes we all have to make "sacrifices" now you just need to choose what that particular sacrifice will be. Your ex is not unemployed I assume her husband is not either now by no means he can or should take your place but that child is also in very lot of ways his responsibility to. You want to stay close to give him certain financial support I commend you for that but among the things that life teaches us is we are no good to anyone if we take care not of our selfs first. You spoiled his mom and let her make you boggy man one that is "hard" on child one that makes a rules once again what is she doing and what is her husband doing and WHY are they not doing enough or more ? Have you set her down asked her this talked to lawyer cause if things are like that you do all but have no custody so what's difference? As for your job I will disagree with rest of members I say start applying with decent enough job and few gadgets you can be in your son's life plane tickets are not out of the range and he can get to visit his dad at perhaps some "lovely" new state broaden his horizons make new friendships and so on. By doing this you won't be doing nothing wrong sure you might miss heck out of him but there is always that thought quality over quantity time. THAT CHILD is growing his needs are and will as well in few years there is college education to pay for car and so on? Your son is just in right age to learn responsibility concept and this is great opportunity to teach him that by giving yourself a chance to move on forward you will give him chance to : perhaps learn that his mom and her husband are also "educators" rule makers and the bosses you will give a chance your ex to actually start learning how to do her job on her own cause god forbid something happens to you THEN WHAT ? Who will raise that child educate him make him become a man ? You are father not superman and its not your job to do this on your own learn that accept that and move on from that mistake. One day all 3 of them will thank you for it ...
Krytie TV Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 No amount of money can replace your presence. But a father unable to pay his bills and keep a roof over his head is neither a good example or a productive parent. That's not to say he should up and leave, but I think you oversimplify the issue. 3
Krytie TV Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I'm not anywhere near the end of my benefits, but it not enough money and everyday I go unemployed is another day gone. I'm not sure whether I should try and wait this out, or start applying for jobs elsewhere just to get employed. I love my son and don't want leave, but I'm not providing much at moment and fear I may reach the end of benefits. While I am still married and father to my children, I too am experiencing employment issues that may involve moving away from my family for a time. It's not ideal, but something you have to consider when your current environment isn't working for you. What about establishing a plan to maybe move away for a while (3-4 years) to get your career back on track and then actively working to get a job closer to your son? It's a lot easier to look for work while you're employed. Maybe you can even arrange with your ex to let your boy come and stay for a week or two weeks at a time a couple times a year during that span. 2
Radu Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 While I am still married and father to my children, I too am experiencing employment issues that may involve moving away from my family for a time. It's not ideal, but something you have to consider when your current environment isn't working for you. What about establishing a plan to maybe move away for a while (3-4 years) to get your career back on track and then actively working to get a job closer to your son? It's a lot easier to look for work while you're employed. Maybe you can even arrange with your ex to let your boy come and stay for a week or two weeks at a time a couple times a year during that span. I agree with this. OP, how well do you get along with your ex ? PS: One thing to consider to female posters. Men are considered men [and this is drilled in our heads] if we provide. What goes on right now in the head of the OP is the battle between being a good provider and a good father, with both of them overlapping to some extent.
pteromom Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Your son needs you in his life more than anything else. I don't know what you do for a living, but I would start thinking outside the box while you continue to look... Do you have any skills that would lend themselves to making money on your own? Handyman; window washing; landscaping; dog walking; dog sitting; driveway washing; A/C cleaning; etc. I don't know what part of Houston you live in, but there are some very well-to-do areas that you could build business in by providing a service to homeowners.
Author jay1983 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 You spoiled his mom and let her make you boggy man one that is "hard" on child one that makes a rules once again what is she doing and what is her husband doing and WHY are they not doing enough or more ? Have you set her down asked her this talked to lawyer cause if things are like that you do all but have no custody so what's difference? Who will raise that child educate him make him become a man ? You are father not superman and its not your job to do this on your own learn that accept that and move on from that mistake. One day all 3 of them will thank you for it ... When my son doesn't get his way or denied a privilege he'll talk back to his mother sometimes screaming at her and not listen to her. She's not able to intimidate him enough. I've told her husband and gave him permission to discipline my son. He says sure but when the time comes he won't. I'm not sure if it's cause he's not his biological father or if it's cause he's not that kind of person. He should live with his mother, he has more support there. He's in a house with several people, there's always someone home and they cook on a regular basis. My mother is good friends with her mother and visits all the time with my sister (they're a year apart) Plus his friends all the neighborhood kids. I live in an apartment, I'm more like a bachelor. I just keep a room for him on the weekends.
Author jay1983 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 I agree with this. OP, how well do you get along with your ex ? PS: One thing to consider to female posters. Men are considered men [and this is drilled in our heads] if we provide. What goes on right now in the head of the OP is the battle between being a good provider and a good father, with both of them overlapping to some extent. We get along okay, she's not a bad person, she never took it to court or demanded x amount of money or time. Although she wasn't happy, she was understanding of the low wage jobs I worked in the past before I got into what I do now. That being said she's not very positive either.
Author jay1983 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 Your son needs you in his life more than anything else. I don't know what you do for a living, but I would start thinking outside the box while you continue to look... Do you have any skills that would lend themselves to making money on your own? Handyman; window washing; landscaping; dog walking; dog sitting; driveway washing; A/C cleaning; etc. I don't know what part of Houston you live in, but there are some very well-to-do areas that you could build business in by providing a service to homeowners. I'm a piping designer in oil and gas and make pretty good money when I'm employed. In the past I've done warehousing, forklift operator, auto parts retail, changing tires and oil changes, ect. All which barely paid me enough to survive, actually paid a lot less than the unemployment I get now. I constantly had to move around find somebody to live with. My son's step dad does electrical work, they can start me at $8 per hour. In between the old jobs and my now career my dad and I started a business, we bought a studio for recording music which included photography and graphic design. Fell right to the ground in 3 months, lost a lot of money. 1
bluegreen Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Well its time for some tough love it seems what he has can be taken away to start with. he acts up again or worse there is this thing called military school. You can't spent your life intimidating him you do realize that right his step dad can't keep ignoring him and his mom needs to get some balls already !!! This is make or brake age for kids and if he gets out of control now later it will be to late to do anything about it ... 1
pteromom Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I'm a piping designer in oil and gas and make pretty good money when I'm employed. I can see how that would be difficult to find. My son's step dad does electrical work, they can start me at $8 per hour. It's better than NOTHING though, right? At least you have an option if you start getting to the point that your unemployment is going to end. In between the old jobs and my now career my dad and I started a business, we bought a studio for recording music which included photography and graphic design. Fell right to the ground in 3 months, lost a lot of money. A couple thoughts about this though... if you are a graphic designer and photographer, that could help you in creating some marketing pieces for providing a service in your area. And - photography is a possibility if you are good at it. I hope you are able to find something. But I wouldn't look outside your area at this point.
Author jay1983 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 I can see how that would be difficult to find. It's better than NOTHING though, right? At least you have an option if you start getting to the point that your unemployment is going to end. A couple thoughts about this though... if you are a graphic designer and photographer, that could help you in creating some marketing pieces for providing a service in your area. And - photography is a possibility if you are good at it. I hope you are able to find something. But I wouldn't look outside your area at this point. The business was a joint venture, I did the audio part and another guy did the photography, photo editing, graphic design. He had a green screen and all kinds of software to make album covers, flyers, business cards ect. for the artists that recorded either there or another studio. He has a lot of experience and still does free lance photography, but that's not his main job, he does that on the side because he only gets a shoot every weekend or so. He told me he use to pay to advertise and got more customers that way, but the overhead made it unprofitable. Now he just use Facebook, tweeter and word of mouth. That business isn't very strong even for someone who's good at it.
bluegreen Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 For all that is worth I hope that you manage to solve this problem soon ... 1
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