I Just tell myself to breathe

[Jatli]

This is an open letter to him...

 

I wake up everyday telling myself to just breathe. It gets harder every day cause I don't want to breathe anymore.

 

When you told me you needed space and time to "miss me" I was devastated. I didn't see this coming. I started this free fall. It was if my world just crashed around me.

 

We have been together 4 years and have never fought, always laughing, always enjoying each others company, why the sudden change? I asked you if there was another woman and you said no. Even you said you didn't know if you were doing the right thing as you sat there crying to me.

 

We live together and have since very early on. What happened to make this so bad? When I started looking for an apartment you were supportive and helped me look. It took 2 months. You even got me an apartment. You helped me pick out furniture, you bought me things I didn't have. While I appreciate all that you have done to make this transition easier, I felt like I was underwater the whole time and couldn't surface.

 

We still lived together for those two months, still got along, did not fight, still went out together. My heart was still breaking.

 

You helped me move and that final day you cried.

 

For the next week you called me everyday we still laughed still got along and yet, I was now living alone, living a lie, because this is not where I was supposed to be.

 

I sat in my now fully decorated apartment alone and looked around. Bare walls because I can't put pictures on them that would make it a home and this is not my home, this is just where I live. My home is with you.

 

We have now not talked in 2 days and I am coming to realize, I don't function without you in my life. I know people say it gets better and I am sure it will, right now my heart is aching, my soul is empty, but I want to know what the hell happened. How did we get here?!

 

I can't sleep, I eat just to stay alive, I can't concentrate at work, I go for long walks to clear my head but all that does is make me think more, but I still have to walk. I would walk around the world if I thought that would help.

 

If there is someone else, then all I have to say is you are an idiot. We are good together you know that, we fit, always have since day one.

 

I told you when I was leaving that I won't bother you, and I won't. I won't call you, text you, e-mail you, look for you on the street, bump into you in the grocery store, nothing. This is now up to you. So when you miss me and you will, you will have to come to me and tell me and you will have to prove it. I told you when we get back together we will be going on a trip just us two. You said start saving your money. I said no way you are taking me.

 

You are the man I love, the man I have always loved from day one, the man I will love to my last breath.

 

So I begin this journey that I didn't want to go on. I will work, I will eat, I will sleep, I will do laundry, go shopping.

 

I will get up every morning and tell myself to breathe even though I don't want to.

[Sleepwalkers Seeker]

What a brave soul you are! I'm trying to get where you're at. Good for you for taking care of #1. I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. As a friend once said to me, " life gets real. Life gets different. Then life gets really different." I know this doesn't seem like much now but you've got a head start. You aren't groveling, You know what you want, You are living your life even if it's just breathing. .. As I've always said we are human beings, not human doings. I'll think of you and your plight and admire your courageous strength. I too need to focus on my inner happiness and self love enough to just breathe.

[Jatli]

I don't feel so brave. I feel empty and very alone. But I know this is what I have to do. I don't want to grovel and beg so that I push him away even more. He needs to figure out what he wants and I told him before I left that he will miss all of me.

 

This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life, My emotions are all over the place. I feel like I just want to throw up most of the time, but I have to just continue. I needed to write that just to get my emotions out of me. I am not sure if I am actually going to send this to him or not.

 

I am hoping he will get his head out of his ass and realize that we are good for each other, we have been a great fit since day one. Even his kids said they had never seen him so happy.

 

I don't know what went wrong and I am hoping that me giving him the space he wanted will make him realize this.

[flightplan]

Hang tough. I know it's not what you want to hear, but odds are he's found someone else. It'll run it's course, and he'll have doubts and wonder if he made a mistake. But in the end, it doesn't matter. This is a lesson I've had to learn... your happiness is your responsibility regardless if you're in a relationship or not.

 

Don't send him any notes, emails, text, nothing. Don't call. Absolute silence says a thousand times more than any communication from you. As we say down here in Texas... hug the cactus and learn to be happy on your own. That's when love will find you again.