ariesgirl-328 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 So I've been employing NC for a long time now since my breakup almost a year ago. I begged for months and months and blahblahblah. Ofcourse I see my begging as regrettable now and I understand why I was dumped and forgotten and I've come to terms with my mistakes. My issue is that I've had some contact with this ex about every 2-3 months though after I stopped begging so maybe I haven't had the chance to fully reap the benefits of NC. My question is this: What exactly is the point of NC?? Like why am I doing it? Is it to completely move on and be able to forget my ex so I can be with someone else? Or is it to just feel better but still be emotionally available if my ex shows up again? What am I supposed to be thinking to myself as I'm in NC?- I want to think that I will never hear from him again and just forget because he's gone, but that's right when he shows up again and ruins my movement forward. I'm just confused about exactly what I'm aiming for so I can't really judge my progress because a year later, I'm surviving and going about my days fine finally, but I'm sure if my ex came back and was sincere I would try again with him because I want to. I don't feel that anything really developed from NC that makes my ex less attractive to me to where I would reject him because I know he broke up for a valid reason and it was mostly my doings though it takes 2 to tango. People keep saying eventually I won't even want him back thanks to NC...? Really?? I just don't see that happening and I don't know if that is what I should try to aim for because I would take up a second chance since I know he is a good man, one of the best I've ever met. .....Obviously I'm really confused....HELPPPP!!!
organizedchaos Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 So I've been employing NC for a long time now since my breakup almost a year ago. I begged for months and months and blahblahblah. Ofcourse I see my begging as regrettable now and I understand why I was dumped and forgotten and I've come to terms with my mistakes. My issue is that I've had some contact with this ex about every 2-3 months though after I stopped begging so maybe I haven't had the chance to fully reap the benefits of NC. My question is this: What exactly is the point of NC?? Like why am I doing it? Is it to completely move on and be able to forget my ex so I can be with someone else? Or is it to just feel better but still be emotionally available if my ex shows up again? What am I supposed to be thinking to myself as I'm in NC?- I want to think that I will never hear from him again and just forget because he's gone, but that's right when he shows up again and ruins my movement forward. I'm just confused about exactly what I'm aiming for so I can't really judge my progress because a year later, I'm surviving and going about my days fine finally, but I'm sure if my ex came back and was sincere I would try again with him because I want to. I don't feel that anything really developed from NC that makes my ex less attractive to me to where I would reject him because I know he broke up for a valid reason and it was mostly my doings though it takes 2 to tango. People keep saying eventually I won't even want him back thanks to NC...? Really?? I just don't see that happening and I don't know if that is what I should try to aim for because I would take up a second chance since I know he is a good man, one of the best I've ever met. .....Obviously I'm really confused....HELPPPP!!! It's to move on and heal. That's it. Read this. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide 1
hoping2heal Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 So I've been employing NC for a long time now since my breakup almost a year ago. I begged for months and months and blahblahblah. Ofcourse I see my begging as regrettable now and I understand why I was dumped and forgotten and I've come to terms with my mistakes. My issue is that I've had some contact with this ex about every 2-3 months though after I stopped begging so maybe I haven't had the chance to fully reap the benefits of NC. My question is this: What exactly is the point of NC?? Like why am I doing it? Is it to completely move on and be able to forget my ex so I can be with someone else? Or is it to just feel better but still be emotionally available if my ex shows up again? What am I supposed to be thinking to myself as I'm in NC?- I want to think that I will never hear from him again and just forget because he's gone, but that's right when he shows up again and ruins my movement forward. I'm just confused about exactly what I'm aiming for so I can't really judge my progress because a year later, I'm surviving and going about my days fine finally, but I'm sure if my ex came back and was sincere I would try again with him because I want to. I don't feel that anything really developed from NC that makes my ex less attractive to me to where I would reject him because I know he broke up for a valid reason and it was mostly my doings though it takes 2 to tango. People keep saying eventually I won't even want him back thanks to NC...? Really?? I just don't see that happening and I don't know if that is what I should try to aim for because I would take up a second chance since I know he is a good man, one of the best I've ever met. .....Obviously I'm really confused....HELPPPP!!! An ex that shows up every 2-3 months is NOT the same as no contact. You yourself have already explained that once you begin to move forward, wonder-ex appears and it sets you back. That pretty much tells why you feel like this isn't working for you. I think NC can do a lot of good for a few reasons; 1. You get used to the idea that person is not going to be in your life. Yes, of course that hurts and feels crappy but unless it's one of those relationships where you come to feel like roommates and neither has any lingering feelings, you shouldn't really expect to become "friends" with someone who is going to go on and find other loves and have other relationships. 2. You don't have that person clouding your judgement. Eventually, you start being able to see the forest through the trees without triggers that sway your emotions and screw up your thinking. Now, you have not yet had this benefit because the guy shows up every 2 or 3 months. 3. You eventually come to the realization that the world is still rotating, even without your relationship and that you can and will be okay without that person in your life. That's my take so my best advice to you is stop letting him come in and muddle things up for you every couple of months. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 If you are talking to them every 2-3 months you aren't doing No Contact, at least, certainly not a year of it.
BC1980 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Are you contacting him? Is he contacting you? Either way, you can't move on because you are keeping a foothold in his life. It's like letting the dumper know, hey, I'm just going to remind you that I still exist in case you change your mind. Every few months, I'll remind you that I'm here. Don't do that to yourself.
d0nnivain Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 My question is this: What exactly is the point of NC?? Like why am I doing it? Is it to completely move on and be able to forget my ex so I can be with someone else? Or is it to just feel better but still be emotionally available if my ex shows up again? What am I supposed to be thinking to myself as I'm in NC?- I want to think that I will never hear from him again and just forget because he's gone, but that's right when he shows up again and ruins my movement forward. NC is a healing tool. It's designed to help you get over somebody. It is not designed nor should it be used to lure them back to you. What do you want to have happen? If he's been gone for a year & you admit that he had a valid reason for leaving odds are that even if you fixed what was wrong he's not coming back because he has moved on with his life & doesn't feel the need to go backwards.
Author ariesgirl-328 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 NC is a healing tool. It's designed to help you get over somebody. It is not designed nor should it be used to lure them back to you. What do you want to have happen? If he's been gone for a year & you admit that he had a valid reason for leaving odds are that even if you fixed what was wrong he's not coming back because he has moved on with his life & doesn't feel the need to go backwards. Thanks for the replies!!! I finally get that I've been wrong in my approach to NC...It's to move on and leave hope behind I guess, Thank you for being so blunt. It makes sense, considering I know he's been with other women. I just didn't see this clearly
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