pos Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 My boyfriend of nine months broke up with me three days ago on a Sunday afternoon. It completely shook my world because I did not see it coming at all. Things seemed to go so great for us, and he continued to be affectionate til the very end. I was blindsided. He called me on Sunday morning asking if I had any lunch plans, I told him no, and he asked if I could come meet him at the park near his house. He was thinking about "getting some lunch-y things and there was something he needed to talk to me about but thought it'd be nice if we went to a park". Alarms started going off in my head thinking he was probably planning to break up with me, but I was hoping so bad I was wrong because who the hell breaks up with someone over a freaking picnic?! When I finally meet him at the park, he gets up and smiles, and gives me a hug like he usually does. He shows me what he got us, which was some potato salad, raspberries, and my favorite Mango drink. We sit down and then I ask him, "so what's up?" He pauses for a little, then says "This is isn't easy for me to say but... I wanna break up" I ask him why and he says "I thought about this long and hard, and I just don't see you as my life partner. The hard part of it all is that I love you, and I loved you for a really long time." The most absolutely ****ty part of what he just said was that that was the FIRST time I ever heard him tell me he loved me. Those were words I was waiting to hear from him since January. Aren't those words what any female waits to hear from from a guy she adores? I told him that I loved him too but I had no idea he was feeling this way and that I wished he would have expressed his concern for us before coming to this conclusion on his own. I asked him if he would be happier without me, and he said "No. You're still the one person who makes me laugh the most out of anyone I've ever known. There's a level of compatibility that I look for, and we definitely have fun and are happy together, but on the level about speaking about philosophy, social and political issues, we are not compatible with that and that is something that is important to me." (He's nerdy and likes to rant about the news on Facebook). Which sounded like complete BS, because we do indeed talk about these issues but in the past we had a difference of opinion that may have turned into heated debates. Still not completely understanding of his thought process, I plead with him to reconsider. He asks for a month of silence, which I agreed to give him. It's been 3 days and I have not stopped crying... So many things don't add up for me here. 1) Why wait to tell me he loved me (which he also says 3x that day) on the day he wants to leave me? 2) Why do it over a picnic? Were you planning on feeding me raspberries as you break my heart? 3) If he really thought about it long and hard, why continue to be affectionate til the end, agree to hang out with my extended family the previous two weekends, tell me to come over to sleep on Thursday night 4) Make plans for us for Friday and Saturday I did not see any indication that he was unhappy. I still don't believe that he was completely unhappy with me. He has always been heavily guarded with expressing his emotions but I thought he made up for it through his constant show of affection. It hurts me to try to make sense of this all but telling someone you don't see them in your future seems to be the ultimate bridge burner. I would appreciate any stories, words of advice, anything! Distract me from crying, please!!
inlin Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Sorry to hear about it, I had the same thing happen to me and currently going NC. I advise that you should do the same thing. Its really hard an tough to do it, but you have to muster through it. At times I'm really weak and then i bounce back up. It's a roller coaster of a ride. Wish you all the best! 1
hoping2heal Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 On the order of odd things.. What I find confusing is that you repeatedly said you had no indication it was coming, no idea he was unhappy, etc. But, as soon as he calls to invite you out to a park to talk you immediately thought a break up was coming. What gives? I kind of think this guy is bullsh*tting you about some, part, or all of what he is telling you. He loves you and he won't be happy without you but time to breakup? Ehhhhhhhhhhh, no I'm not buying that. Everyone here knows how painful being without the one you love is, I'm not buying that the guy would intentionally just give up. I think the only truthful part is the not seeing you as a life partner. He probably does love you as a person, but he can't really be in love with you and not see you as a life partner, can he? I say this because how many times have we all thought the toootally wrong for us person was lifer material, simply because we were in love and couldn't get it together. But, I guess there are exceptions. Sounds to me like he thought this was the best way to let you down easily, but there is still some smoke coming from that line about jumping to assumptions he called to break up - when you didn't think anything was amiss? 1
Zahara Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 So many things don't add up for me here. 1) Why wait to tell me he loved me (which he also says 3x that day) on the day he wants to leave me? 2) Why do it over a picnic? Were you planning on feeding me raspberries as you break my heart? 3) If he really thought about it long and hard, why continue to be affectionate til the end, agree to hang out with my extended family the previous two weekends, tell me to come over to sleep on Thursday night 4) Make plans for us for Friday and Saturday 1) He tells you that so that it doesn't devalue the 9 months that YOU invested in him. 2) One of my ex's did it after he took me out to a fancy dinner. After that I asked him why the elaborate dinner plans. He said he felt that it would help soften the blow. Idiot. 3) He continued because dumpers take their time to process the break-up. While they're contemplating if, when, should, how to end, they're still involved in the relationship, going through the motions until they're fully prepared and have come to the point of finally ending it. Then it seems out of nowhere for you but for them they have had much time to process it all. 4) #3 2
Author pos Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 On the order of odd things.. What I find confusing is that you repeatedly said you had no indication it was coming, no idea he was unhappy, etc. But, as soon as he calls to invite you out to a park to talk you immediately thought a break up was coming. What gives? It was the part where he said "there's something I wanted to talk to you about." That's a line that almost never means anything good. I was going through all possible outcomes in my head, and planning for a breakup as the worst possible one. And then it actually happened.
Author pos Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 1) He tells you that so that it doesn't devalue the 9 months that YOU invested in him. 2) One of my ex's did it after he took me out to a fancy dinner. After that I asked him why the elaborate dinner plans. He said he felt that it would help soften the blow. Idiot. 3) He continued because dumpers take their time to process the break-up. While they're contemplating if, when, should, how to end, they're still involved in the relationship, going through the motions until they're fully prepared and have come to the point of finally ending it. Then it seems out of nowhere for you but for them they have had much time to process it all. 4) #3 Thank you Zahara, your response makes sense..
Zahara Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Thank you Zahara, your response makes sense.. I'm sorry it doesn't make you feel any better but hopefully it helps you let go some. Stay strong.
Author pos Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 I'm sorry it doesn't make you feel any better but hopefully it helps you let go some. Stay strong. Actually Zahara, you nailed it. My friends and I have been trying to make sense of it all and you are right on all points. I feel a lot better about it now.
hoping2heal Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 It was the part where he said "there's something I wanted to talk to you about." That's a line that almost never means anything good. I was going through all possible outcomes in my head, and planning for a breakup as the worst possible one. And then it actually happened. Fair enough. I guess I was wondering if you were chronically insecure in the relationship and that's why you jumped to that conclusion. But, I can see how someone might assume that too reasonably enough.
Trovador Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 They are nice the same way some people are nice with animals before slaughtering them... (sorry for the comparison)... My ex dumped me on my birthday (and she didn't pay the bill -she had invited me to a fanciful place- and didn't bother with a gift)... that day was raining and my tears mixed with the raindrops... he, he...
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