Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I was in a four year relationship, and was engaged. At the end, she pulled the all-too-common "I need to fix myself" which translated to "I want to try to be with someone else". And that was that. I cut her off immediately once I found out the truth. Now, after a while, I met a girl. Beautiful girl, and I've never had this much in common with anyone. We click like I've never clicked with anyone. We made it official after a month, and it's going really well... But I find myself insecure, all the time, wondering if her feelings are going to just up and change today. I wonder in the back of my mind if she'll meet someone else, or just lose her feelings overnight. I of course know the dangers of this, and constantly counter it in my own head. I never let it show. I have only slightly slipped once, but downplayed it very well. She has shown no sign she will abandon me, but it's not about her, is it... Not sure how to counter these feelings. What makes everything worse is all the people who say "when you start feeling comfortable, THAT'S when you know in a relationship that something bad is coming." THANKS a lot to those idiots who say that.
Emilia Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I think in your case since it's about one bad experience, it's about building trust and getting to know her over time. You won't always feel this way. People that are forever insecure are the ones that experienced abandonment at a very young age. You will be fine once you've spent sufficient time with her and got to know her.
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Caution - very few people are going to be able to relate and tell you how to approach this or get over it. I think, unless they've lived through it...it's impossible. Many will give you similar circumstances, but few have the totally caught off guard, 'out of the blue'. I have a friend who just went through the same thing. After months of being in love and literally the day before saying how he loved her - just dumped her. I don't have much advice except you need to find some closure and really try to understand what happened. Now, as for 'when you get comfortable...' - bs. Not true. When you get comfortable means you have a good relationship and it's going the way you expect it to. Those who say 'you get comfortable' are the exceptions to the rule. Having said that, if you get too comfortable and lose doing the things that made you two you..then yes, you have to worry. Otherwise, don't.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 If this girl leaves you then she wouldn't be the one anyway. Don't look at the possibility of being dumped as such a negative thing. Consider it a blessing to aid you in finding your true match. Anyways, the last relationship is gone and done. Leave it in the past. Focus on positive future goals with the new gf instead of what can go wrong. 1
Author Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 Thank you all. I also am constantly wondering if I'm being "too nice", showing too much affection, etc... this site has made me more insecure, because I constantly am being aware as to if I am coming off any "negative" way... it sucks. I am "me" with her, but when we aren't together and can only text that day, that's when I wonder if I'm coming off this way, or that way, or if it will cause this or that. Need some damn anti anxiety meds or something damn. My confidence generally is very secure, but when you find someone you care about and become vulnerable, sometimes it gets you. This **** got me. Thanks a lot to my damn ex (s)
catherine1 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Probably stemming from your past experience, but if she is giving you no reason to be insecure than realise youre good enough and she wants you
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 My confidence generally is very secure, but when you find someone you care about and become vulnerable, it eats me alive. I can relate to these feelings Before trying any anxiety meds, my advice is to try DISTRACTION! Stay busy! Do stuff with work, friends, exercise. Do not let the mind wander and dwell! I believe once you break out of the wandering and dwelling routine you can maintain a less-anxious state.
Author Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 I can relate to these feelings Before trying any anxiety meds, my advice is to try DISTRACTION! Stay busy! Do stuff with work, friends, exercise. Do not let the mind wander and dwell! I believe once you break out of the wandering and dwelling routine you can maintain a less-anxious state. Good advice! However, I am in the police academy, so currently have no job. And all my friends are married... one of my ONLY best friends who isn't, lives about 2000 miles away getting his doctorate lol. So I go to the gym, that's about all I can do.
mammasita Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I know how you feel OP. I struggle with the same. My ex fiancé proposed, said he loved me and out of nowhere I felt like he woke up one day and decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. I'm in a relationship now where I overthink. If he doesn't tell me how he feels often I start to believe that his feelings have changed or he's gonna wake up one day and decide to break up with me. I know it's all in my head and I certainly don't burden him with my crazy thoughts. Overall I'm usually able to rationalize my feelings within and they pass. I'd say twice out of the 6 months we've been together I've asked him some questions, seemingly silly to him, but never confrontational and again the feelings have passed. I know what you're dealing with.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Good advice! However, I am in the police academy, so currently have no job. And all my friends are married... one of my ONLY best friends who isn't, lives about 2000 miles away getting his doctorate lol. So I go to the gym, that's about all I can do. Outdoors, sports, movies, video games, reading, call up a friend and shoot the shiit!
Author Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 If he doesn't tell me how he feels often I start to believe that his feelings have changed or he's gonna wake up one day and decide to break up with me. I know it's all in my head and I certainly don't burden him with my crazy thoughts. YES! If she doesn't use a kissy face when we part in texts, I wonder what I may have done or said wrong, or if she just doesn't feel the same. It's freaking CRAZY. Worst part is, when she started using them, I KNEW even at that moment that sometime she won't use it, and I will perceive it as meaning she doesn't care as much. Freaking crazy.
mammasita Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 YES! If she doesn't use a kissy face when we part in texts, I wonder what I may have done or said wrong, or if she just doesn't feel the same. It's freaking CRAZY. Worst part is, when she started using them, I KNEW even at that moment that sometime she won't use it, and I will perceive it as meaning she doesn't care as much. Freaking crazy. LMAO. You're telling me. If he says "hello babe" instead of "hello beautiful" I think something might be wrong. TOTALLY irrational and I know this. Please don't tell anyone I'm crazy
ktya Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I was in a four year relationship, and was engaged. At the end, she pulled the all-too-common "I need to fix myself" which translated to "I want to try to be with someone else". Fawk I hate this break up technique. There should be a death penalty for using this line after a long term relationship, especially an engagement. I had the exact same garbage pulled on me during an engagement albeit the relationship was going on 9 years, living together for 7. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling insecure after being dumped like this, for this. You were with her for a long time, you committed, she accepted, and as it came time to finalize the deal she suddenly pulled the rug out from under you and you rapidly realized that all of those things she said to you over the years didnt mean crap all, like most notably the "we will be together forever" and the "you are my soulmate" sort of stuff. A breakup like that trashed me pretty bad and I ended up with mental case girlfriends for over 5 years. And that was that. I cut her off immediately once I found out the truth. Good deal. And never look back. I wish I had done that. My ex-fiancee kept bibbling into my life whenever I had a girlfriend I was making a go of, would remind me of the old times and how good they were, put a bug in my brain. Then, whenever I was single and needed a friend to talk to she would be nowhere to be found. You'll get your confidence back. Just try to keep your neediness in check, feeling insecure at times can make you clingy and needy. At times you might stress out and you just have to let it go and distract yourself.
Author Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 LMAO. You're telling me. If he says "hello babe" instead of "hello beautiful" I think something might be wrong. TOTALLY irrational and I know this. Please don't tell anyone I'm crazy Lol hilarious. How long have you guys been together and how do you deal with this insecurity? If the partner ever found out about it, it would be a relationship killer.. And ktya, that sucks brother. Sorry to hear that that happened... not cool at all. My ex moved in with another guy too after like 3 weeks, and I guess he is abusive. He is also 12 years older than her. sigh
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Thomas, did you share what happened to you with your current girlfriend? I suggest you do. I am dating someone that has abandonment issues and making him feel secure in our relationship is SO simple and easy and it doesn't take anything away from how I view him. Like you he's trying to hide it but women are sensitive to these things and I can tell. Today I got from him a text at noon, I never get texts from him this early, I know it's because last night when I said good night I did not use 'honey' as I usually do, so today at noon I threw an extra babe in my text and I know the man will be happy for the rest of the day. 1
mammasita Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Lol hilarious. How long have you guys been together and how do you deal with this insecurity? If the partner ever found out about it, it would be a relationship killer.. Its been 6 months now and things are pretty great. I tell my friends when they ask how things are that we have 99 problems and they're all in my head I know some of my thoughts are irrational so I pretty much talk myself "off the ledge", come here and read about other peoples issues, occupy my mind with other things basically. I don't drag him into it. It passes. I can separate my irrational thoughts from legit issues .
Phantom888 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Good advice! However, I am in the police academy, so currently have no job. And all my friends are married... one of my ONLY best friends who isn't, lives about 2000 miles away getting his doctorate lol. So I go to the gym, that's about all I can do. Also, go see a therapist or counselor to talk things out. This will be very helpful in combination with exercise and small dose of meds.
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