catherine1 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I split with my ex 2 months ago but feel like i need to tell him what was really going on in my head when we were together, everything was great with him, he was a gent, sweet, genuine and respectful, i had no need to doubt. I knew he had just got out of a 2 yr relationship, 6 weeks in we were seeing each other about once a week mainly. I'd met his friends and things were good, at this 6 week point though he said how seeing each other all the time would be over kill, and he seemed anxious for us to seperate ways that night, 2 days later i go to his and i sense him looking at me with a bit of sadness, and he went quieter that evening, maybe i could sense he wasnt ready. Anyway, panicking that he was cooling off, i thought id show him how much i liked him, so ask if he feels single, and that i said i didnt, i said i see him more than a casual thing, he took this as relationship proposition, and told me he was exclusive but didnt want to jump into a commitment. We dropped the issue, he came back to me stronger and more intune then ever, stupidly i sensed his text messages had dropped, and this freaked me out, so i told him "no pressure", he took this as i was bugging him to get into a relationship with me, after this he seemed to go mentally awol, following a tonne of girls on twitter and not acting like himself. we eventually split because he was edge that i would bring it up again, and i got sick of this. What i do want to tell him is, that i only said it as i thought..oh no, he thinks i dont like him, he's put his guard up, ill say it to show him i care...NOT, i want to pin you down!! i never did tell him this, and we are no longer in contact, i feel i need to tell him, as i showed him something i am not.
David87 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 You don't need to tell him nothing. The best message you can send him is silence. 2
Author catherine1 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 i know the no contact is best but he was right, i knew he liked me a lot but all that talk was too soon and were getting to know each other, i felt the same way so feel misunderstood. 1
Author catherine1 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 probably nothing except look crazy, i just cant believe i turned a guy who was so into me off . i just know if id have been more myself this could have progressed naturally. he went off me for something i was not. 1
Noproblem Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I don't know, I read your story and it seemed that this guy left you the minute he realized you were serious, or maybe I didn't get it right! 1
Author catherine1 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 no he didnt leave me we continued dating for another 4 months but it was never quite the same.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 OP, you need to stop beating yourself up. Why did you create another thread about this? If you're no longer in contact, that sends a pretty clear message that he isn't interested in re-kindling anything. You trying to explain yourself to him is you grasping at straws and holding out hope that he'll come back. Enough. Don't do that to yourself. This one wasn't meant to be. I said it in your other thread and I'll say it again: he wasn't on the same page. 3
Author catherine1 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 Yes i agree with you, i have to stop beating myself up. It the constant thought that this was a missed opportunity as i said all that as i thought it was what he wanted to hear, and it would show him i like him. We were on the same page as deep down i didnt mean i wanted to pin him down, that is not me and i truly believe we are very similar, and he did not get a chance to see this. 1
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Catherine let it go, it was not meant to be. The man didn't share your feelings and nothing you could have said, or not said would have changed that. You cannot change or control how people feel. He did not feel for you the way you felt for him. Accept it and move on. Wanting to tell him something at this point is only motivated by wanting to talk to him again. Believe me, he does not care at all about what you have to say. So just gather the little bit of self respect you have left and move on. 2
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 You don't need to tell him nothing. The best message you can send him is silence. Agreed!!! You'll regret it after. Trust me I did it and it felt 10 times worse. If he doesn't care enough to ask you how you feel, or even talk to you at all. He sure as hell doesn't care what you think now. That will be seen as harsh but I promise you it's incredibly true. Leave it alone and move on 1
HappyLove Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 MOVE.ON. There is someone great out there for you and you'll never find him if you stay stuck in the past.
Zahara Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 (edited) i just cant believe i turned a guy who was so into me off .. I think you're talking yourself into believing these thoughts because then it makes it easier to blame yourself. And that gives you an opening to try and reach out and fix it. It's an excuse to break NC. Stop. I'm sorry to sound harsh but he wasn't SO into you. When a guy is into you, he doesn't put space between you. He progresses forward, not backwards. And even if he's scared, he doesn't run away. He communicates that he wants to go slow and build your relationship and he certainly doesn't let you go. Edited April 9, 2014 by Zahara 4
Author catherine1 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 He didnt go anywhere, he explained he wanted to ride the waves, really liked me but wanted to go slow, we were cool, until 2 weeks later when i said "no pressure" he took this as i was forcing him into a relationship, he still didnt go anywhere and kept arranging to see me but it felt awkward and he was less affectionate, until i got sick of him being subdued on dates towards the end and called it off. He then said, he said he does call me his girlfriend and doesnt want to break things off, but then admitted he didnt want a relationship. After the "no pressure" it made me feel like a marriage crazed, so serious chick, which i am not.
Zahara Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 He didnt go anywhere, he explained he wanted to ride the waves, really liked me but wanted to go slow, we were cool, until 2 weeks later when i said "no pressure" he took this as i was forcing him into a relationship, he still didnt go anywhere and kept arranging to see me but it felt awkward and he was less affectionate, until i got sick of him being subdued on dates towards the end and called it off. He then said, he said he does call me his girlfriend and doesnt want to break things off, but then admitted he didnt want a relationship. After the "no pressure" it made me feel like a marriage crazed, so serious chick, which i am not. He was doing the fade out. When a guy's radar even senses or knows that you have expectations and he knows he cannot fulfill what your future needs are going to be, he slowly starts to hold back on the affection, he acts aloof, cold...he pulls back slowly. He may try and force himself to go with the flow for awhile but in the back of his head he will already feel the pressure and soon enough opt to fade out -- then either he will leave or you will leave because you're tired of it.
thecrucible Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 He didnt go anywhere, he explained he wanted to ride the waves, really liked me but wanted to go slow, we were cool, until 2 weeks later when i said "no pressure" he took this as i was forcing him into a relationship, he still didnt go anywhere and kept arranging to see me but it felt awkward and he was less affectionate, until i got sick of him being subdued on dates towards the end and called it off. He then said, he said he does call me his girlfriend and doesnt want to break things off, but then admitted he didnt want a relationship. After the "no pressure" it made me feel like a marriage crazed, so serious chick, which i am not. I think you need to stop blaming yourself, honey. Honestly, if a guy liked you enough he'd be prepared to go slow or whatever pace you like. Every guy who's ever liked me enough romantically has been like that. Guys who haven't have messed me about. I actually think he's done you a favour by bailing on you now. You don't want to be around a guy who's so apathetic about you. Maybe he wants it all easy 'no pressure' and on his terms. He should understand that women in general want a commitment. I don't think he's after anything serious. He was hoping that you'd go along for the ride for as long as possible. You did the right thing. It routed him and his intentions out. It might not have been going anywhere anyway. As I said, I've been slightly clingy with regards commitment in the past and guys that liked me enough just put with it, and they didn't run away from me or end things even if they felt slightly uncomfortable. Basically if you like someone enough, you let some things slide. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and you shouldn't worry about appearing clingy because you're looking for it. A guy who's genuinely looking for commitment will like that about you. Be proud about what you want. Just wanting a relationship doesn't mean you'll attach yourself to any man that moves. It doesn't mean that you're crazy for marriage. If a guy thinks that, then it's more of a reflection on him. Don't put yourself under pressure to appear 'chilled out' and 'go with the flow' if that's not who you are. 2
Zahara Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Listen, if I was really into a guy and he brought up relationship talk, it wouldn't scare me away. It would be nice to know that he is thinking a step ahead. I asked a guy here at work and he said the same thing. If he was into a girl, at the 6 week point he wouldn't be saying to her that seeing too much of each other would be overkill. He'd want to progress and spend more time with her. 6 week mark he was already stepping back. You were getting too involved in his life and he had to hit the brakes.
Author catherine1 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 Thank you so much for your comments, i have never been one to want serious relationships and have always enjoyed having fun more so to be potentially seen as trying to pin him down was mortifying for me. He didnt bail on me, he just had his guard up incase i would mention it again, he went into silent mode to avoid conflict, i was never truly myself around him after all this and he didnt know the real me, if anything ive learnt to be myself when dating, and yes, i could sense after 6 weeks he didnt want serious. After my "no pressure" comment he posted on twitter how he wasnt a generic person, and i seen him state how as a man he could still enjoy fun experiences whilst a woman will be trying to get pregnant by her partner, this made me feel like the crazy one.
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 When you met him he was just out of a 2 year relationship. It says it all. You knew it was a risk didn't you? These men all act lovey dovey at first then run off. Stay away from them. Find a nice guy that has his act together.
Author catherine1 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 I agree with this, thank you. He seemed happy i had brought it up as the next date was fab, but when i said "no pressure" he freaked out.
Author catherine1 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 He was so sure as to not mess it up before all this, he would hold back on what could be considered boring conversation (which wasnt to me), he would be on his best behaviour when we were out drinking with friends, so he didnt appear a daft drunk. He looked concerned once when he thought he hadnt performed as well in the bedroom, and i could see his insecurities showing he was afraid i would lose my interest.
Zahara Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 He was so sure as to not mess it up before all this, he would hold back on what could be considered boring conversation (which wasnt to me), he would be on his best behaviour when we were out drinking with friends, so he didnt appear a daft drunk. He looked concerned once when he thought he hadnt performed as well in the bedroom, and i could see his insecurities showing he was afraid i would lose my interest. OP, people are on their best behaviors during the courting period. It's like a mating dance. They show you all their colorful feathers, dance around to please you and entertain you. Then once they have secured you and the courtship has dwindled down to normalcy and real life expectations, needs and wants start to emerge, they fight or flight.
nadinefleur Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 You've created at least 4 threads about this, you won't get any different answers.. you said yourself he admitted he didn't want a relationship. There is nothing you can say now and there was nothing you could have done or said when you were together, that would have changed his mind. If a guy doesn't want a relationship, he isn't going to commit to you, and if he sees you want more from him he is going to run. I went through a very similar situation to you not long ago, except the guy never told me he has just come out of a relationship until after we split, but he too put on the best version of himself, seemed VERY into me... everything was going perfectly... until about 6 weeks in, when I felt him pulling back and as I had let him do all the work up untill that point I thought, maybe he doesn't know I like him, so like you I too started a convo about 'us', and it freaked him out and pushed him away. Even if we hadn't had that convo, I'm sure the 'relationship' we were in would have fizzled out anyway. They are not the one for us, and if they were they wouldn't have run away so easily and willing to lose us so easily. You need to forget and move on before this turns into an obsession, and don't beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong, you need to accept that he just wasn't that into you and didn't want a relationship with you. Don't contact him, keep your dignity. 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 You've created at least 4 threads about this, you won't get any different answers.. you said yourself he admitted he didn't want a relationship. There is nothing you can say now and there was nothing you could have done or said when you were together, that would have changed his mind. If a guy doesn't want a relationship, he isn't going to commit to you, and if he sees you want more from him he is going to run. I went through a very similar situation to you not long ago, except the guy never told me he has just come out of a relationship until after we split, but he too put on the best version of himself, seemed VERY into me... everything was going perfectly... until about 6 weeks in, when I felt him pulling back and as I had let him do all the work up untill that point I thought, maybe he doesn't know I like him, so like you I too started a convo about 'us', and it freaked him out and pushed him away. Even if we hadn't had that convo, I'm sure the 'relationship' we were in would have fizzled out anyway. They are not the one for us, and if they were they wouldn't have run away so easily and willing to lose us so easily. You need to forget and move on before this turns into an obsession, and don't beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong, you need to accept that he just wasn't that into you and didn't want a relationship with you. Don't contact him, keep your dignity. She nailed it x It hurts, I know. Im in the same boat but sadly its true x
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