why do some ow think this...?

[snappytomcat]

I have read numerous threads by some ow(I know not all think this)but a lot do,that if the wh,leaves them to work on the marriage,they think somehow either the bs,has them held hostage some how,either financially,or the kids,the house etc etc.

well in my situation we lost our home during the economy crash,we rent now,we haave no debt,my car is paid for so is his,so is the motorcycle,and our kids are older,and on there own,i can provide for myself financially,it would be hard,but iam an independent woman,he didn't need me,and I definitely didn't need him,but when dday came and the sh*t hit the fan,he begged for reconciliation,because he loves me,and never stopped,even when he fu**ed up royaly,just a rant I guess

[gettingstronger]

I think men in general think and see situations in a more selfish light. For instance my husband told our OW that I didn't have time for him, that our sex life had changed, etc. He left out the part about him working a million hours while I shuffled two very busy kids around by myself because we had moved away from family for his promotion. He left out the part that we went from sex every night he was home to just every weekend. I asked how he could say such things and he said, well, who would sleep with the real me, the one that resented my wife for the life we built together and agreed upon because I was a selfish jerk that wanted more than anyone could give.

 

He cheated while on business trips. She would leave her family to fly and see him at her own expense. He was a classic cake eating ego tripping jerk so of course he white washed it to fit what a lonely woman would want to hear. I can see from her POV why she thinks he is stuck in a miserable marriage. In actuality, since dday he has traveled less, helped more and got his values straight. He realizes we are a family which means his needs are not always top priority. He has also changed his priorities and is a better happier man for it.

[atreides]

I have read numerous threads by some ow(I know not all think this)but a lot do,that if the wh,leaves them to work on the marriage,they think somehow either the bs,has them held hostage some how,either financially,or the kids,the house etc etc.

well in my situation we lost our home during the economy crash,we rent now,we haave no debt,my car is paid for so is his,so is the motorcycle,and our kids are older,and on there own,i can provide for myself financially,it would be hard,but iam an independent woman,he didn't need me,and I definitely didn't need him,but when dday came and the sh*t hit the fan,he begged for reconciliation,because he loves me,and never stopped,even when he fu**ed up royaly,just a rant I guess

 

I hear ya and good for you to be where you are at now, free of some of life's chains.

 

As with a thread i started, the AP's cannot handle being rejected when a lot of their feelings were vested. It makes them feel like it was all a lie and for a large part but not all, it was... but none-the-less it does not change how they feel and want to hang on to what they had.

[atreides]

I think men in general think and see situations in a more selfish light. For instance my husband told our OW that I didn't have time for him, that our sex life had changed, etc. He left out the part about him working a million hours while I shuffled two very busy kids around by myself because we had moved away from family for his promotion. He left out the part that we went from sex every night he was home to just every weekend. I asked how he could say such things and he said, well, who would sleep with the real me, the one that resented my wife for the life we built together and agreed upon because I was a selfish jerk that wanted more than anyone could give.

 

He cheated while on business trips. She would leave her family to fly and see him at her own expense. He was a classic cake eating ego tripping jerk so of course he white washed it to fit what a lonely woman would want to hear. I can see from her POV why she thinks he is stuck in a miserable marriage. In actuality, since dday he has traveled less, helped more and got his values straight. He realizes we are a family which means his needs are not always top priority. He has also changed his priorities and is a better happier man for it.

 

wow, so i take it you guys R'd, such strength but awesome to see he is a better person today.

[gettingstronger]

Yes, reconciling not reconciled. It's a process for sure. It's being brutally honest with who you spouse allowed themselves to become and then deciding if you love them enough to try to make it work. We are 14 months post dday and they have been some of the happiest and most difficult days of my life. I am here because I want to be and so does he. What the future holds is anyone's guess but I am at peace with my decision to try. We are worth that much.

[Furious]

I have read numerous threads by some ow(I know not all think this)but a lot do,that if the wh,leaves them to work on the marriage,they think somehow either the bs,has them held hostage some how,either financially,or the kids,the house etc etc.

well in my situation we lost our home during the economy crash,we rent now,we haave no debt,my car is paid for so is his,so is the motorcycle,and our kids are older,and on there own,i can provide for myself financially,it would be hard,but iam an independent woman,he didn't need me,and I definitely didn't need him,but when dday came and the sh*t hit the fan,he begged for reconciliation,because he loves me,and never stopped,even when he fu**ed up royaly,just a rant I guess

 

 

Many affair partners are led to believe the betrayed spouse is not a nice person by the WS. What OW wants to believe they're involved with a married man who doesn't want a divorce but is so altruistic in giving up his happiness for the sake of his children. Blah....blah...blah...it's so unoriginal, it's as if most cheaters are following the same old script.

 

Of course the spurned ow believes her lover is being held against his will, that he's hostage to the villainess wife.:laugh:

 

More often than not...Mr. Cheater is an entitled, selfish person, who loves to eat cake as long as he believes what his wife doesn't know won't hurt her.

 

Unhappy people get divorced, content people cheat.:laugh:

[Hope Shimmers]

As with a thread i started, the AP's cannot handle being rejected when a lot of their feelings were vested.

 

Can you blame them? Isn't this true for the BS as well - they don't want to be rejected when feelings are invested? Isn't that true for anyone?

 

I understand how difficult it must be to be a BS (as much as I possibly can). I actually AM a BS, if you want to get technical about it, because my now ex-H cheated on me after he asked for a separation but when we were still living together (with a woman who was married and having not one but TWO affairs and still dating, but that's another story). But I was on my way out the door so whatever.

 

I guess it just hurts that so many of these threads on this particular forum start out with "we" (the BSs) versus "they" (the OW). And then saying things that imply that what we invested years (in some cases) of our lives in was just fake and we meant nothing. I wish the divide didn't exist.

[Hope Shimmers]

Many affair partners are led to believe the betrayed spouse is not a nice person by the WS. What OW wants to believe they're involved with a married man who doesn't want a divorce but is so altruistic in giving up his happiness for the sake of his children. Blah....blah...blah...it's so unoriginal, it's as if most cheaters are following the same old script.

 

Of course the spurned ow believes her lover is being held against his will, that he's hostage to the villainess wife.:laugh:

 

More often than not...Mr. Cheater is an entitled, selfish person, who loves to eat cake as long as he believes what his wife doesn't know won't hurt her.

 

Unhappy people get divorced, content people cheat.:laugh:

 

Wow... didn't expect that response from you.

 

My ex-MM always told me he loved his W. He never lied about it or said anything negative about her.

 

I never for a second thought my "lover" was being held against his will, hostage to the villainess wife.

[gettingstronger]

Unhappy people get divorced, content people cheat.

 

 

Nope. Unhappy people get divorced, selfish people cheat.

[atreides]

Can you blame them? Isn't this true for the BS as well - they don't want to be rejected when feelings are invested? Isn't that true for anyone?

 

I understand how difficult it must be to be a BS (as much as I possibly can). I actually AM a BS, if you want to get technical about it, because my now ex-H cheated on me after he asked for a separation but when we were still living together (with a woman who was married and having not one but TWO affairs and still dating, but that's another story). But I was on my way out the door so whatever.

 

I guess it just hurts that so many of these threads on this particular forum start out with "we" (the BSs) versus "they" (the OW). And then saying things that imply that what we invested years (in some cases) of our lives in was just fake and we meant nothing. I wish the divide didn't exist.

 

No, i don't blame them at all, but the question was asked in such a manner for this thread.. In that to point out, yes WS have feelings just as much as the BS and helps answer the why. You said it best, "us" vs "them" (I am neither) more than not, the two need to meet especially for the couple if there is ever to be R.

What is being stated as "fake" by others?

[Furious]

Wow... didn't expect that response from you.

 

My ex-MM always told me he loved his W. He never lied about it or said anything negative about her.

 

I never for a second thought my "lover" was being held against his will, hostage to the villainess wife.

 

 

Wasn't your lover separated when you got involved with him?

 

My response was more about married men who have no wish to divorce and chose to cheat and the mind games they play to get cake.

[Furious]

Unhappy people get divorced, content people cheat.

 

 

Nope. Unhappy people get divorced, selfish people cheat.

 

I stand corrected....you said it much better.

[Arieswoman]

snappy,

 

I have read numerous threads by some ow(I know not all think this)but a lot do,that if the wh,leaves them to work on the marriage,they think somehow either the bs,has them held hostage some how,either financially,or the kids,the house etc etc.

 

I know 3 OWs and they are all of the same mindset. I think they are trying to explain/justify why the WH doesn't leave his BS for them permanently. The real unpalatable truth is that they don't want to.

 

I also know 2 BSs whose WHs left them for nother women, despite having 4 kids each (the youngest being a baby).

 

No man can be held against his will despite what some people might think.

[atreides]

I have heard and read this too, that many go into the A with the condition that they wont leave their families.... doesn't that in of itself change the entire rationale for moral equivalence as in the love one would had when creating a relationship with their spouse and one they have with their AP?

[DKT3]

Simply put, the man leads the OW to believe that to be the case. How else can he keep the status quo? That is his comfortable family life and his exciting little secret on the side.

 

OW for the most part wants to believe the chioce to stay with the wife is out of his control. Its a different dynamic, say a single woman started dating a divorced man and he came to her with the same crap how many would be ok with it and want to continue the relationship? Part of the draw of affairs are the element of it being a secret, the sneaking around, doing the taboo.

 

Mostly its because the affair ending is out of the OW's control so they hang on to whatever hope they can.

[atreides]

Simply put, the man leads the OW to believe that to be the case. How else can he keep the status quo? That is his comfortable family life and his exciting little secret on the side.

 

OW for the most part wants to believe the chioce to stay with the wife is out of his control. Its a different dynamic, say a single woman started dating a divorced man and he came to her with the same crap how many would be ok with it and want to continue the relationship? Part of the draw of affairs are the element of it being a secret, the sneaking around, doing the taboo.

 

Mostly its because the affair ending is out of the OW's control so they hang on to whatever hope they can.

 

Are you saying and maybe i am misunderstanding, that men have a different set of rules for an affair and have less emotionally vested in it vs women?

[snappytomcat]

Can you blame them? Isn't this true for the BS as well - they don't want to be rejected when feelings are invested? Isn't that true for anyone?

 

I understand how difficult it must be to be a BS (as much as I possibly can). I actually AM a BS, if you want to get technical about it, because my now ex-H cheated on me after he asked for a separation but when we were still living together (with a woman who was married and having not one but TWO affairs and still dating, but that's another story). But I was on my way out the door so whatever.

 

I guess it just hurts that so many of these threads on this particular forum start out with "we" (the BSs) versus "they" (the OW). And then saying things that imply that what we invested years (in some cases) of our lives in was just fake and we meant nothing. I wish the divide didn't exist.

hope,its not an ow/vs bs ive never thought that way,if your read my previous threads,i feel a lot of compassion for the ow(except the one in my situation,did at first but she went phsycho on me)it was just an observation,i know some ow might think that somehow the bs has black mailed the ws to stay in the marriage,and I know some say this cause they are hurting,and hopeful that the wh will eventually go back to them,in my own situation,my husband never gave the ow a second thought,i know that's horrible to say,and I did say that to him right after dday,i just like to learn more about affairs,i never experienced such a betrayal.

honestly that's all this thread is about,knowledge is power,like someone else said we are reconciling,but not yet reconciled,he didn't get off the hook that easily,and I told him it might take a few years,and he said he will make it up to me,even if it takes him the rest of his life,which is why I love him,things are getting better daily.

and another thing hope,i do enjoy reading your comments,you have a gift of being able to word things perfectly,unfortunately I dont

[Arieswoman]

atreides,

that many go into the A with the condition that they wont leave their families..

 

I believe that is the intention of many. They don't want to leave, they just want a 'side-piece'. Unfortunately emotions get in the way and people fall in love and then the BS finds out and the effluent hits the proverbial windmill.

 

I've known of several girls who had affairs with contractors who were working in a certain area (building roads/power stations/pipelines etc.) and although they were told from the outset that the man didn't want a LTR with them they allowed themselves to be sucked in. Then, when the guys left, there was a trail of broken hearts and some pretty hacked-off women.

 

One got pregnant and one wrote to the wife back home. Another did both.

 

It is sad what human beings choose to do to themselves and each other.

[Arieswoman]

atreides,

 

Are you saying and maybe i am misunderstanding, that men have a different set of rules for an affair and have less emotionally vested in it vs women?

 

I think men can compartmentalise better. I can't say how emotionally invested they are, that probably varies from person to person.

[DKT3]

Can you blame them? Isn't this true for the BS as well - they don't want to be rejected when feelings are invested? Isn't that true for anyone?

 

I understand how difficult it must be to be a BS (as much as I possibly can). I actually AM a BS, if you want to get technical about it, because my now ex-H cheated on me after he asked for a separation but when we were still living together (with a woman who was married and having not one but TWO affairs and still dating, but that's another story). But I was on my way out the door so whatever.

 

I guess it just hurts that so many of these threads on this particular forum start out with "we" (the BSs) versus "they" (the OW). And then saying things that imply that what we invested years (in some cases) of our lives in was just fake and we meant nothing. I wish the divide didn't exist.

 

Affairs grow on a foundation of lies and betrayal, how can they be real? I can understand how single women can become emotionally vested with MM. What she has to understand is she is dealing with a liar and cheater. Yet they hang on to every word, and believe him whole heartedly.

 

I have tons of friends that has or is cheating, in most cases we will sit around and joke about the things they say to the OW to prolong the affair. I have one friend who went as far as having divorce papers drawn to show is AP, yet had no intention on divorcing his wife.

 

Point being, while the OW is truely in the "RELATIONSHIP" 9 of 10 times the WH is into the sex or in some cases the companionship but not the relationship. They simply aren't emotionally vested dispite what he tell the OW.

[Furious]

Can you blame them? Isn't this true for the BS as well - they don't want to be rejected when feelings are invested? Isn't that true for anyone?

 

I understand how difficult it must be to be a BS (as much as I possibly can). I actually AM a BS, if you want to get technical about it, because my now ex-H cheated on me after he asked for a separation but when we were still living together (with a woman who was married and having not one but TWO affairs and still dating, but that's another story). But I was on my way out the door so whatever.

 

I guess it just hurts that so many of these threads on this particular forum start out with "we" (the BSs) versus "they" (the OW). And then saying things that imply that what we invested years (in some cases) of our lives in was just fake and we meant nothing. I wish the divide didn't exist.

 

 

The WS and affair partner get a vote in choosing an affair, the betrayed spouse is not given a vote. The betrayed spouse is purposefully placed in the dark. If there's a great divide this is it.

[Hope Shimmers]

No, i don't blame them at all, but the question was asked in such a manner for this thread.. In that to point out, yes WS have feelings just as much as the BS and helps answer the why. You said it best, "us" vs "them" (I am neither) more than not, the two need to meet especially for the couple if there is ever to be R.

What is being stated as "fake" by others?

 

You are neither a BS or an OW? Then how do you know what feelings WS's or OW or BS's have? It's an honest question.

 

I'm sorry, but you can't possibly understand if you haven't experienced it yourself. You have to live it to really get what it's like. Seeing it in friends and family members is not the same thing. Almost everyone has lived it that way. My opinion.

[Hope Shimmers]

Affairs grow on a foundation of lies and betrayal, how can they be real? I can understand how single women can become emotionally vested with MM. What she has to understand is she is dealing with a liar and cheater. Yet they hang on to every word, and believe him whole heartedly.

 

I have tons of friends that has or is cheating, in most cases we will sit around and joke about the things they say to the OW to prolong the affair. I have one friend who went as far as having divorce papers drawn to show is AP, yet had no intention on divorcing his wife.

 

Point being, while the OW is truely in the "RELATIONSHIP" 9 of 10 times the WH is into the sex or in some cases the companionship but not the relationship. They simply aren't emotionally vested dispite what he tell the OW.

 

I'm sorry, but you have posted to me before and you know nothing of my particular situation, so your generalizations don't apply here. Thanks anyway

[DKT3]

The WS and affair partner get a vote in choosing an affair, the betrayed spouse is not given a vote. The betrayed spouse is purposefully placed in the dark. If there's a great divide this is it.

 

I agree with this, but I would like to add, at least at first the BS tend to largely place the blame on the OW/M. Its easier to believe that the WS was taken instead of them having chosen this path themselves.

[Hope Shimmers]

The WS and affair partner get a vote in choosing an affair, the betrayed spouse is not given a vote. The betrayed spouse is purposefully placed in the dark. If there's a great divide this is it.

 

I don't disagree with this.

 

Yes, he was separated and had filed divorce papers when we started dating. Still, people make mistakes (just like the WS did) and many OW's are lied to and strung along to believe that the marriage is dead, that the MM is filing for divorce, etc. Like my situation, except that first step hadn't yet been taken. Still they believed, as I did. I dated a married man, even if he was separated. I was stupid enough at the time to believe that people who said they were going to get a divorce, actually got one. When my ex-husband and I decided to get a divorce, we got attorneys, filed paperwork, and were done in less than a year. I just thought that's what everyone did. I didn't know better.

 

I just reacted to the tone of your post. It just felt mean. Sorry. How you feel is your prerogative.