BW & H laughing at the OW?

[Mickey1982]

JB...

I understand your post completely. I guess what stung about all this is that many posters here wonder about everything after the A ends. Did he mean this? Did he mean that? Its the same questions over and over just different posters. And just the thought of that person who claimed they loved you, making fun of you behind your back all the while they also participated in the A as well.

 

Maybe Im not communicating my point well.

 

TurningTables, in my opinion, YOU have communicated your point very well from your very first post on the OW/OM FORUM.....Just saying...

[Hope Shimmers]

JB...

I understand your post completely. I guess what stung about all this is that many posters here wonder about everything after the A ends. Did he mean this? Did he mean that? Its the same questions over and over just different posters. And just the thought of that person who claimed they loved you, making fun of you behind your back all the while they also participated in the A as well.

 

Maybe Im not communicating my point well.

 

I think you made your point well. You are right. It would kill me to think that I was being made fun of by MM behind my back with his W. None of that happened during the A with his W.

 

It's just so hard to give everything you have - heart and soul and all the love you have - to someone and then be left with nothing but questions. Did ANY of it ever matter? Was it all a lie? It's the worst part. You feel like you have been thrown out with the garbage despite everything loving and all the promises made by the WS that just disappeared in a poof of smoke.

[William]

As an advisory to members, threads discussing other threads are disallowed. If you have a comment to make on another topic, do so within that topical discussion. If you have a new idea or discussion point to forward, create that discussion point without reference and relate it to your own circumstances.

 

Now, with that out of the way, this appears to be the main topic here:

 

"How can the BS actually believe anything their WS says? After all, this is the person who cheated and they cannot be 100% sure if they said this or that. And how cruel to take someone back who slept with someone else and then turn around, making fun of that said person. Personally, I don't get it.

And how as an OW or FOW, think about these things and react to such a cruel deed?

Any thoughts?"

 

Discussion on this topic within our guidelines is welcomed. As it appears to be of a general nature, not specific to the thread starter's personal relationship, and seeks wide input, it is placed in GRD. Thanks!

[janedoe67]

I think we are wired to "go after the outside source." During the A, the "outside source" is often the BS. While reconciling, the "outside source" is often the AP.

 

I am learning to believe that one of the hallmarks of real reconciliation in the "we have moved forward and this no longer defines us" way is when the parties involved become a non-issue, and it is all about the brand new marriage.

 

No matter the wrongness of the A or the parties involved, I think anyone capable of empathy would have to know that being derided and laughed at by someone you loved that you thought loved you would be very painful.

[Sub]

How can the BS actually believe anything their WS says? After all, this is the person who cheated and they cannot be 100% sure if they said this or that.

 

It obviously depends on the type of relationship and the foundation that a BS and WS have. In my case, I had a track record of almost 17 years to go on. There were circumstances that lead to the A that were unique to that time in our lives and not present in the previous 16 or so years. And while I know my WW was not completely upfront about certain facts after the discovery, she came clean about a lot of things that would be difficult for anyone to admit. Doing so only served as steps to regaining trust over time. Being "100% sure" just doesn't happen, if at all, overnight.

 

 

And how cruel to take someone back who slept with someone else and then turn around, making fun of that said person. Personally, I don't get it.

People do it for any number of reasons. It's almost like a nervous laugh when nothing's funny. If two people are trying to R, they'll try a lot of things to get the bond back. And again, it depends on the people involved. I always felt it was a slippery slope to be negative about the OM to my W, because at some point I didn't want to pile on to the guilt. But there can be a lot of manipulation occurring in an A, from both parties. My W took responsibility for her part in that, but it took her a while to see that in the OM. So understandably, there was some anger. And when you're R'ing with someone, and you share in some anger towards a specific person, the venting can turn into ridicule. And it's not like we just made stuff up about him. They were very real things we would discuss about him.

[Patna]

I don't understand why all the snipping at each other?

 

OW were lied to

BS were lied to

 

OW still love MM who hurt them

BS still love MM who hurt them

 

My exMM would share with me about his problems at home, but I don't see it as gossiping. Neither do we laugh at his wife. I just simply see it as sharing each other's problems. After all, we had been together for a year, and we talked daily for 1-2 hours each day. So it's inevitable that we share problems, including our marital problems. I also shared with him about mine. Does he laugh at my husband? No. We never did make fun of each other's spouse because that's respect. I would never allowed him to make nasty comments at my h, and I know he wouldn't have allowed me to do that to his wife too. There are boundaries in A, maybe not all A, but in mine at least. Besides, the intent of sharing was not to make fun or gossip in the first place.

 

An A hurts everyone, and I mean everyone - WS, MM, MW, OM, AP. Why continue hurting each other instead of healing afterwards? Why focus negatively about the other person when the other person is also hurting as badly as you. Jellybean is right. Why snip at each other? When we choose to dwell on the other person, we only become bitter. We become stuck. Focus on your M. R doesn't require BS to laugh at the OW. A BS would know they have truly move on and the M is on the right path to R when the OW no longer matters or is significant enough to be mentioned anymore before the WS.

 

My H never laughed at my exMM during R. I would never have allowed him to anyway because the same way I respected and protected my H during the A, is the same way I would protect my exMM, even though he was a person of the past. I respected my H even more now, because it takes a very big heart to do what's he's doing. He didn't have to ridicule or make fun of the A or my exMM to R.

Edited April 9, 2014 by Patna

[KaliLove]

And don't forget, MM still love the OW in many cases.

 

I agree with you about the rest. It sucks for everyone.

 

He generally still loves the BS too. What difference does that make?

 

The sucky part is that two women are unnecessarily competing and sniping at each other over one loser guy who lies to both of them and doesn't deserve either of them.

[seren]

The sniping is pointless, the only person who truly knows how they felt, feel, love or otherwise is the WS. Anything the BS or AP believe is based upon what the WS helps them to believe. While I as an ex BS reserve the right to feel a certain way about the OW in my sutuation,it is based upon nearly 6 yrs of harrassment and some truly awful things she tried to do to me. I would never listen to anything derogatory my H said about her, simply because it confuses why he would have an A with her. I also, once I had the truth, made an informed choice to stay and to begin another chapter in our long life together. Laughing at anothers pain is not what I am about. As for why I stay after the A, I never left our marriage or ceased to love my H. I stay because he has shown remorse, our life has changed there are no second chances.

[PinkInTheLimo]

And I agree that anyone as an OW/OM really doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors either. But that door also swings the other way in an A.

 

That is so true, TurningTables.

 

I presume you are an xOW, in which case I totally understand how you feel having been there myself.

 

To this day I am still baffled at the dishonestly of my xMM but also at the way his BW has taken his side. The moment I told her about the A I was done with him. I knew he was a liar and a manipulator and there was no way I wanted to continue a relationship with that man, who created so much turbulence in my life.

 

When I told his BW, she wanted me to send "proof" to her. I had snooped (and I am so glad I did because that gave me a unique insight in the totally schizophrenic way this guy was functioning) so I had plenty of material to send her. A couple of days later I called her to ask her if she had received the "proof". I would have wanted to compare scores with her, like asking what happened really when he said this or did this. I am not afraid of the truth despite what some BWs here say!!!

Well guess what the stupid woman said she did not want to talk with me anymore. I don't know if she ever looked at the "proof" or if he managed to give the whole story a twist (he is able to come up with the most crazy stories to save his face) but the fact is that she sided with him.

 

And 3,5 years later she's posting nice pictures of her family on Facebook and their friends react saying "What a nice family". If only they knew...

 

I am pretty sure that the worst thing that can happen to his pathetic couple is that one day people will find out that he made it this long in his marriage thanks to his OWs. And one day they will, as well as their kids. I will figure out a way to make his cheating public without this having repercussions for me.

I am a Scorpio and there is no way that I accept that someone lures me into a relationship with lies, false promises and by faking deep feelings for me. If you do that, there will be revenge and I have an awful lot of patience when it comes to that.

 

BW and xMM laughing at the OW are pathetic. It's like schoolkids who are allies in the bullying of another kid.

 

If I would be married and my H cheats I would find it very ugly of him to act as "if it meant nothing". I don't like people who do something and then afterwards act as if they were not there. In any case, it would not come to that because if my H would cheat that would be the end of the relationship. I always felt like that but even more after having been the OW.

 

My view is that for a lot of BW who stay with their husband think: he is a bastard, he cheats but it is my bastard and cheater. They just don't want any other woman to have him, it has nothing to do with forgiveness and love.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Another thing: the MM loves it when the BS and the OW are pointing at each other because that diverts the attention away from the real scumbag in this whole story: the MM. He gets all the attention and that is basically what is was always about.

The best thing both the BS and the OW can do is no longer give him attention.

[PinkInTheLimo]

As for others, yes I think the WS often loves the OW (or OM) very much and the OM/OW believes everything they say about the marriage being over, divorcing, etc. Why wouldn't you trust and believe the person who professes to love you, at least until you are proven otherwise? In the case of the BS, they have been shown otherwise but they choose to believe anyway. Confusing.

 

My xMM deserved the Oscar for best actor.

 

In hindsight I know that he only cared about himself but you sure would not have told from his behaviour with me. This man acted as if he was very much in love with me. Now I know that it is totally possible that he also acted like that with his wife. Now if she wants to think that it meant nothing when he was with me and everything when he was with her, I won't stop her.

 

I know he is an extremely selfish man who only thinks about himself and uses people. That includes his wife and his kids. He loves the idea of having the appearance of a longtime married husband with kids but I don't think he loves anyone but himself.

[KaliLove]

That is so true, TurningTables.

 

I presume you are an xOW, in which case I totally understand how you feel having been there myself.

 

To this day I am still baffled at the dishonestly of my xMM but also at the way his BW has taken his side. The moment I told her about the A I was done with him. I knew he was a liar and a manipulator and there was no way I wanted to continue a relationship with that man, who created so much turbulence in my life.

 

When I told his BW, she wanted me to send "proof" to her. I had snooped (and I am so glad I did because that gave me a unique insight in the totally schizophrenic way this guy was functioning) so I had plenty of material to send her. A couple of days later I called her to ask her if she had received the "proof". I would have wanted to compare scores with her, like asking what happened really when he said this or did this. I am not afraid of the truth despite what some BWs here say!!!

Well guess what the stupid woman said she did not want to talk with me anymore. I don't know if she ever looked at the "proof" or if he managed to give the whole story a twist (he is able to come up with the most crazy stories to save his face) but the fact is that she sided with him.

 

And 3,5 years later she's posting nice pictures of her family on Facebook and their friends react saying "What a nice family". If only they knew...

 

I am pretty sure that the worst thing that can happen to his pathetic couple is that one day people will find out that he made it this long in his marriage thanks to his OWs. And one day they will, as well as their kids. I will figure out a way to make his cheating public without this having repercussions for me.

I am a Scorpio and there is no way that I accept that someone lures me into a relationship with lies, false promises and by faking deep feelings for me. If you do that, there will be revenge and I have an awful lot of patience when it comes to that.

 

BW and xMM laughing at the OW are pathetic. It's like schoolkids who are allies in the bullying of another kid.

 

If I would be married and my H cheats I would find it very ugly of him to act as "if it meant nothing". I don't like people who do something and then afterwards act as if they were not there. In any case, it would not come to that because if my H would cheat that would be the end of the relationship. I always felt like that but even more after having been the OW.

 

My view is that for a lot of BW who stay with their husband think: he is a bastard, he cheats but it is my bastard and cheater. They just don't want any other woman to have him, it has nothing to do with forgiveness and love.

 

 

If you were done with him the minute you gave her evidence then why do you care what their relationship is like now, and why are you still calling her names and stalking her Facebook page?

 

I do agree with you that MM love it when the BS and OW are pointing fingers at each other because it diverts attention away from them.

[PinkInTheLimo]

IF That is not the height of DELUSIONAL THINKING, I do no know what is.....

 

Well you were thinking that he was faithful. One could argue that that is also delusional.

 

Spark, I am posting here for years and you were here before me, so you post here even longer. And yet you keep on talking about how delusional the OW was, and that you were still making love to your H, and that he did not want to go to the OW when you told him to do that,...

 

What makes it so difficult for you to simply realise that your H cheated on you AND (now I use capital letters for once) on her, and lied to both of you. You were both victims of a selfish man so this is not about you being the "chosen one" in comparison to her...

[janedoe67]

That is so true, TurningTables.

 

I presume you are an xOW, in which case I totally understand how you feel having been there myself.

 

To this day I am still baffled at the dishonestly of my xMM but also at the way his BW has taken his side. The moment I told her about the A I was done with him. I knew he was a liar and a manipulator and there was no way I wanted to continue a relationship with that man, who created so much turbulence in my life.

 

When I told his BW, she wanted me to send "proof" to her. I had snooped (and I am so glad I did because that gave me a unique insight in the totally schizophrenic way this guy was functioning) so I had plenty of material to send her. A couple of days later I called her to ask her if she had received the "proof". I would have wanted to compare scores with her, like asking what happened really when he said this or did this. I am not afraid of the truth despite what some BWs here say!!!

Well guess what the stupid woman said she did not want to talk with me anymore. I don't know if she ever looked at the "proof" or if he managed to give the whole story a twist (he is able to come up with the most crazy stories to save his face) but the fact is that she sided with him.

 

And 3,5 years later she's posting nice pictures of her family on Facebook and their friends react saying "What a nice family". If only they knew...

 

I am pretty sure that the worst thing that can happen to his pathetic couple is that one day people will find out that he made it this long in his marriage thanks to his OWs. And one day they will, as well as their kids. I will figure out a way to make his cheating public without this having repercussions for me.

I am a Scorpio and there is no way that I accept that someone lures me into a relationship with lies, false promises and by faking deep feelings for me. If you do that, there will be revenge and I have an awful lot of patience when it comes to that.

 

BW and xMM laughing at the OW are pathetic. It's like schoolkids who are allies in the bullying of another kid.

 

If I would be married and my H cheats I would find it very ugly of him to act as "if it meant nothing". I don't like people who do something and then afterwards act as if they were not there. In any case, it would not come to that because if my H would cheat that would be the end of the relationship. I always felt like that but even more after having been the OW.

 

My view is that for a lot of BW who stay with their husband think: he is a bastard, he cheats but it is my bastard and cheater. They just don't want any other woman to have him, it has nothing to do with forgiveness and love.

 

This whole post says way more about YOU than it does the BW or FWH...

[PinkInTheLimo]

 

If you were done with him the minute you gave her evidence then why do you care what their relationship is like now, and why are you still calling her names and stalking her Facebook page?

 

I do agree with you that MM love it when the BS and OW are pointing fingers at each other because it diverts attention away from them.

 

I still care about the hurt that people have done to me in the past. I don't forget this nor do I forgive it. My abusive mother died 9 years ago and I still think often about the way she treated me. For me this is totally normal as the past-present-future are a continuum.

 

This man has caused terrible hurt in my life and why? He did not give a damn about me so why did he feel the need to invade my life with all his lies? It was so insidiuous that it was impossible to protect myself from that.

I was neutral towards his wife but no longer since she refused to talk to me. I wanted to hear her say after having seen the proof that it was indeed him who was the instigator of the A, not me.

 

I am a strong believer in getting back (it's the Scorpio thing). The balance needs to be restored, the accounts need to be settled.

[eye of the storm]

Pink, You state you were neutral to the BS until she did not react the way you wanted. You do not get to choose how other people react to bad news.

 

And it doesn't matter who started the A, you were a full partner in it. You are blaming him for everything. You have to take responsibility for your part.

 

As far as getting back at them. You are wasting time, energy, focus, and emotion on someone that should not be worth your time. I posted all over my house after my divorce affirmations on letting go. My favorite was "Holding onto anger is like eating rat poison and waiting for the rat to die" Holding onto your anger keeps you from moving on and making a better life. You are hurting nobody but yourself. Let the poison drain from your wound, heal and move on.

 

I hope you are able to find peace.

[sweet_pea]

I still care about the hurt that people have done to me in the past. I don't forget this nor do I forgive it. My abusive mother died 9 years ago and I still think often about the way she treated me. For me this is totally normal as the past-present-future are a continuum.

 

This man has caused terrible hurt in my life and why? He did not give a damn about me so why did he feel the need to invade my life with all his lies? It was so insidiuous that it was impossible to protect myself from that.

I was neutral towards his wife but no longer since she refused to talk to me. I wanted to hear her say after having seen the proof that it was indeed him who was the instigator of the A, not me.

 

I am a strong believer in getting back (it's the Scorpio thing). The balance needs to be restored, the accounts need to be settled.

 

Wow…. Have you forgotten that YOU decided to have the affair too? Or are you the victim in all of this? Good grief, you need to get some counseling because the anger you are holding onto, especially against his wife (who did nothing to you!!!) is astounding. I mean… you're really mad at her because she didn't want to talk to you?? Goodness gracious. And this is coming from a fellow scorpio.

[Sub]

I was neutral towards his wife but no longer since she refused to talk to me.

 

The BW owes you nothing.

[Spark1111]

Well you were thinking that he was faithful. One could argue that that is also delusional.

 

Spark, I am posting here for years and you were here before me, so you post here even longer. And yet you keep on talking about how delusional the OW was, and that you were still making love to your H, and that he did not want to go to the OW when you told him to do that,...

 

What makes it so difficult for you to simply realise that your H cheated on you AND (now I use capital letters for once) on her, and lied to both of you. You were both victims of a selfish man so this is not about you being the "chosen one" in comparison to her...

 

Who said it was Pink?

 

I only had empathy in my heart for a D mom. I felt, at least initially, that she too was a victim of his....

 

It took me two years, her breaking NC, and a whole lot of arrogant vitriol raining down on my head and my children's to realize ALL that empathy had been wasted on an angry nut job who was nothing like I thought.

 

Oh well....Live and learn.

[snappytomcat]

How can a BS sleep with a man who so easily betrayed her?

 

Your questions are all black and white as if no stringing along and lies are being told to the OW. Why do they stay in the A? Not because they love being in an A. Do you think it's easy for them to know he goes home to his W every night?

 

They stay because they are being TOLD another story by the WS, which is that he is leaving, the marriage is over, just be patient, I'm divorcing, etc. Yes, when you love someone, you want to believe in them.

and how can an ow easily sleep with a mm?it might not be easy for ow to think he goes home to his wife,but most ow knew he was married,what do they expect

[peaksandvalleys]

Hi guys...Hugs to all who are struggling with NC..

 

<comments about specific threads/forums redacted>

 

 

From reading here for two years, its often said that MM say the ILY's and so forth. How can the BS actually believe anything their WS says? After all, this is the person who cheated and they cannot be 100% sure if they said this or that. And how cruel to take someone back who slept with someone else and then turn around, making fun of that said person. Personally, I don't get it.

And how as an OW or FOW, think about these things and react to such a cruel deed?

Any thoughts?

 

I felt the exact same way about the OW. How could she believe anything a married man was telling her without getting the other side of the story. How cruel? Really? Cruelty for me is taking my life and peeing on it. Cruelty for me is taking my love and treating it as if it were some kind of pile of something. If I had taken him back and chosen to make fun of OW it would be based on HER actions toward me.

[snappytomcat]

oops forgot to mention,we never laughed at the ow,until she went phsycho nuts,and the nutty stuff she would send or leave on message,at first it just pissed me off,but after months of harassment on her part it was laughable,we never responded to her,i think this just pissed her off even more

[KaliLove]

I still care about the hurt that people have done to me in the past. I don't forget this nor do I forgive it. My abusive mother died 9 years ago and I still think often about the way she treated me. For me this is totally normal as the past-present-future are a continuum.

 

This man has caused terrible hurt in my life and why? He did not give a damn about me so why did he feel the need to invade my life with all his lies? It was so insidiuous that it was impossible to protect myself from that.

I was neutral towards his wife but no longer since she refused to talk to me. I wanted to hear her say after having seen the proof that it was indeed him who was the instigator of the A, not me.

 

I am a strong believer in getting back (it's the Scorpio thing). The balance needs to be restored, the accounts need to be settled.

 

The way to protect yourself from that would have been to not get involved with a married man.

 

Also, in regards to your comment about him cheating on both the wife and the OW..not true. No married person owes their affair partner fidelity, so therefore the married person cannot cheat on the affair partner.

[Raena]

I still don't understand why any woman would get involved with a man who is otherwise committed... married or in a long term relationship... and then feel they have a right to complain about ANYTHING.

 

Being the OW means many things could or will happen to you

- other people will look down on your for trying to interject yourself in someone else's relationship

- you will get called names and others will lose respect for you

- people will laugh at you for being foolish

- you will get hurt

- even if you do manage to "steal" the man away from his significant other, you will always be looking over your shoulder wondering if he'll do the same to you

- he could be just using you for an ego boost

- he could decide to go back to his wife, dump you and then make fun of you because of it

- it will affect your future relationships... that future man, if he finds out that you were willing to be part of a lying affair will wonder if you will do the same to him

 

Any of those things COULD happen and very often, at least one or more on the list DO happen. So, if women know this, and it's pretty common knowledge, WHY get involved with someone who is obviously lying to be with you? And then when he dumps you to go back to his wife... why cry about it? I just don't understand it.

 

Now... as for the BS and MM laughing together about the OW... I seriously doubt that it happens very often. If it does, it's because the OW has repeatedly acted like a fool after the fact and can't let things go. Otherwise, I have rarely heard of a BS and MM thinking it's funny to laugh about their marriage being ripped apart.

[waterwoman]

I didn't laugh at OW. I didn't find any of it funny. Horrifying, hurtful, selfish, destructive, yes, funny? Nope. But to be totally brutally honest if I was able to laugh at it a little at the time I'd have found it easier. And if laughing at OW helped me get over it a bit faster who would honestly begrudge me? She'd never know would she? I have worried about her, felt guilty for what she was going through, even wondered if I should just step aside and let them get together ( yes really ) I'm a bit sick of caring what other people need. I wish I could have been able to laugh at her a little.

 

I didn't ask her to get involved with my h. Any pain she feel (and I don't relish that, believe me) was pain she signed up for.

 

But if h had the nerve to laugh at her I'd have effing decked him!!