Hosea Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I have a change of heart and tell her that I want to be friends. Our exchange of texts: Her: "Hey I thought about it and I realized that I don't want to be in relationship with you. I'd still like to be friends and hang out but I understand if you don't. I just don't want to lead you on" Me: Hey thanks for telling me how you feel, I don't think I can be friends with you because I like you more than that so I think we should just go our seperate ways. If you ever change your mind feel free to get in touch. (No response) Me: Hey I did some thinking and I realized I'd like to be friends. You're a cool person and I wouldn't want to miss out on that. Just wanted you to know She never responds.. but we're still friends on facebook (probably doesn't mean anything though) Background: Met this girl from Tinder, known her for about a month. Let me make one thing clear: I honestly don't have any ulterior motive to try to get with her later. After analyzing the situation I realized that we probably would not be a good match for a long term relationship, mostly due to religious reasons. However, I really enjoyed being around her and her personality, which is why I changed my mind and offered to be friends. I was attracted to her physically but only slightly.. she is kind of a tomboy and dresses like a dude at times which is a turnoff to me, but she can look nice when she dresses up. Am I being weird about this? I want to contact her again and tell her that I honestly meant what I said and that I don't see her in that way anymore, but I feel like that is an awkward thing to say.. plus the fact that she didn't respond to my previous message I would normally just move on but I honestly think she would be a cool friend to have... Just want to see what you all think.
Fondue Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I'm going to say this bluntly: You're being a tool. She rejected you, and while you initially did the RIGHT thing by telling her it isn't going to work otherwise, you come crawling back to her with your tail between your legs saying you'd like to reconsider. Not only did she reject you, but you come back to her after that seeking her approval again. What is her friendship worth to you anyway? Do you honestly plan on seeing her outside a romantic setting? Do you think she's going to set you up with her friends? Is her circle of friends even going to like you? You'll end up just being another orbiter to her. Best thing to do is if someone rejects you is to say, "Cool. See you." 15
Woop1337 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Some girls offer the friendship route because it's the most politically correct way of saying "I don't want anything to do with you". She didn't even respond to your initial rejection of her friendship. And you come right back, with yeah lets be friends. Cringe worthy. Move on. At least you got to 3 dates. She gave you a chance. 4
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 OP you're being kind of needy even though you've been downgraded to friend level. Just put this "friend" in the back of your mind. If she asks you to hang out, great. But don't try and push the contact. You already sent the last message.
slizl Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Perfect responce from you (your first text). Your second text will give me nightmares tonight... 9
organizedchaos Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 When this has happened to me in the past, I reject the friendship offer. I always say something about can't really be friends since I didn't get involved with you to wind up as your friend. It's not like we're going to hang out and grab a beer sometime. So, best of luck to you.
Mo_Do Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Her text to you was because she met someone else that she likes a lot more. You're lucky you got what you did...don't expect to see or hear from her again. Tinder? Just go meet another one 1
thecrucible Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 When this has happened to me in the past, I reject the friendship offer. I always say something about can't really be friends since I didn't get involved with you to wind up as your friend. It's not like we're going to hang out and grab a beer sometime. So, best of luck to you. Yeah I know what you mean. I prefer not to pursue the friend thing either...but I always say "let's be friends" because it's what people say. I get surprised if the guy actually takes me up on the offer. I think it's best to cut it and move on - best for both parties. 1
deathandtaxes Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 The biggest BS reason ever given by people who are not ASSERTIVE enough to tell you how they really feel. Amateurs. All of them.
thecrucible Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 The biggest BS reason ever given by people who are not ASSERTIVE enough to tell you how they really feel. Amateurs. All of them. There's a lot of bull**** out there. But really people use it because it's better than being blunt and rude. I can put myself in their shoes. It's one of the nuances of human interaction which you have to get used to. Don't expect honesty at all times. For me it's not lack of assertiveness, I'd just rather be gentle first and then, if they don't get it, be firmer about it. Sometimes it's not necessary to be out there and blunt in someone's face. Sometimes you don't want to jump the gun either. It's complicated. The only thing I think is absolutely imperative is that people are consistent and mean what they say/say what they mean. So I only say I want to be friends if I genuinely like the person and respect them, even if that might not be a mutual feeling (I don't expect that offer to be accepted). My ex bf was really annoying and hurt me...going back and forth saying he wanted me back, and then he didn't and just being a time waster. I've lost all respect for him as any kind of man because he wasn't able to know or articulate what he really wants/his thoughts properly. I like guys who know what they want and won't dangle you on a string while they make their mind up. I like a guy who mans up about it, stands by his decisions and doesn't make empty promises. (Not going against men btw, I think women should stick to that too)
Author Hosea Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Wow reading this over again I realize I look like a total idiot. Thanks for opening my eyes. Just deleted her number. 7
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Wow reading this over again I realize I look like a total idiot. Thanks for opening my eyes. Just deleted her number. No worries. We've all been there one time or another.
BradJacobs Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 You at least hit it, right? Since you've known her for a month and met on Tinder, I'm guessing so ... regardless, agree with others. Move on.
WP4046 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I have a change of heart and tell her that I want to be friends. Our exchange of texts: Her: "Hey I thought about it and I realized that I don't want to be in relationship with you. I'd still like to be friends and hang out but I understand if you don't. I just don't want to lead you on" Me: Hey thanks for telling me how you feel, I don't think I can be friends with you because I like you more than that so I think we should just go our seperate ways. If you ever change your mind feel free to get in touch. (No response) Me: Hey I did some thinking and I realized I'd like to be friends. You're a cool person and I wouldn't want to miss out on that. Just wanted you to know She never responds.. but we're still friends on facebook (probably doesn't mean anything though) Background: Met this girl from Tinder, known her for about a month. Let me make one thing clear: I honestly don't have any ulterior motive to try to get with her later. After analyzing the situation I realized that we probably would not be a good match for a long term relationship, mostly due to religious reasons. However, I really enjoyed being around her and her personality, which is why I changed my mind and offered to be friends. I was attracted to her physically but only slightly.. she is kind of a tomboy and dresses like a dude at times which is a turnoff to me, but she can look nice when she dresses up. Am I being weird about this? I want to contact her again and tell her that I honestly meant what I said and that I don't see her in that way anymore, but I feel like that is an awkward thing to say.. plus the fact that she didn't respond to my previous message I would normally just move on but I honestly think she would be a cool friend to have... Just want to see what you all think. Isn't obvious she was lying about being friends?
Marks Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 You at least hit it, right? Since you've known her for a month and met on Tinder He didn't necessarily have to hit it...who said that everybody on Tinder is shacking up?
Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I heard tinder is for nothing but hooking up. That's why I deleted it.
organizedchaos Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I heard tinder is for nothing but hooking up. That's why I deleted it. Nope. Not necessarily the case. It can and does happen, but like anything, your mileage may vary.
TB Rhine Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 ME: Hey thanks for telling me how you feel, I don't think I can be friends with you because I like you more than that so I think we should just go our seperate ways. If you ever change your mind feel free to get in touch. I'm going to dissect this piece by piece. "Hey thanks for telling me how you feel" = You just thanked her for rejecting you. That's being every bit as disingenuous as her initial offer of friendship undoubtedly was. "I don't think I can be friends with you cause I like you more than that" = Not only thanking her for kicking you to the curb and offering you the cold, cold sympathy prize of "friendship," but rewarding her with an ego boost for her trouble as well. "If you ever change your mind feel free to get in touch" = Telling her, in no uncertain terms, that you still want her, and that, if she could ever see her way clear to giving you another chance, you will gladly come crawling back to her. I vote for just not responding at all to her initial message - show her the same level of courtesy she ultimately showed you. You're also not committing yourself to anything, so if you change your mind later on you won't appear (as) weak or wishy-washy. I recently invited a girl to lunch -- after dodging me for a bit, she hit me with the old "not ready to date right now" saw, to which I responded, "Sorry to hear that -- good luck and happy trails," and promptly de-friended her on Facebook. Not rude or confrontational, but at the same time being upfront about the fact that I invited her out for the purpose of dating and am not at all interested in chauffeuring her around and buying her frappuccinnos while some other dude shoplifts the pooty. 4
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 When she gave you let's be friends text, you should have not responded at all. Second text? Dear god 3
Author Hosea Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 We didn't have sex, just some making out. I saw her as potential gf material so I didn't really want to rush things. On the first two dates, everything went great. First date, we got drinks and went dancing, made out, Even told me how much fun she was having. Second date was more relaxed as we got lunch and she gave me a tour of her campus while walking around and holding hands (we're both seniors in college) But then.. the third date (she invited me to to her apartment). I know I royally screwed up here.. Thinking back on it I was a lot more nervous on the third date and wasn't displaying the confidence I showed on the first two dates. I displayed some needy qualities without even knowing until after the fact (saying mushy stuff like "I like your kisses"). God I cringe just thinking about that now. I was downplaying myself and my qualities, showed signs of insecurity.. obviously this is all woman repellant. Why I did these things, I DON'T KNOW!! But I do know not to do it again!! I realized that she probably wasn't all that into me when we finished watching a movie on her bedroom floor.. We started making out and then when I tried to go further by touching her boobs she stopped me. I'm pretty inexperienced when it comes to dating.. only had one relationship that lasted 6 months until she cheated on me. So when I get attention from one girl I get too excited and focus all my attention on her. It leads to me getting too attached too fast and I know that makes girls do a complete 180. I guess you could say I had oneitis and I'm still trying to get over it. I just can't help but think "damn, I can't believe I ****ed this up" since I really liked this girl. I'm contemplating deleting her on facebook because the temptation to look at her pictures is just too much. Yeah I know that is pathetic that I'm thinking so much about this girl that is probably just boning some other dude right now. I'm used to getting rejected by random girls but this is the first time I've been rejected after a few dates and it sucks. I need some guidance.. I thought I had this all sorted out but I'm taking this rejection to heart more than I should.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 We didn't have sex, just some making out. I saw her as potential gf material so I didn't really want to rush things. On the first two dates, everything went great. First date, we got drinks and went dancing, made out, Even told me how much fun she was having. Second date was more relaxed as we got lunch and she gave me a tour of her campus while walking around and holding hands (we're both seniors in college) But then.. the third date (she invited me to to her apartment). I know I royally screwed up here.. Thinking back on it I was a lot more nervous on the third date and wasn't displaying the confidence I showed on the first two dates. I displayed some needy qualities without even knowing until after the fact (saying mushy stuff like "I like your kisses"). God I cringe just thinking about that now. I was downplaying myself and my qualities, showed signs of insecurity.. obviously this is all woman repellant. Why I did these things, I DON'T KNOW!! But I do know not to do it again!! I realized that she probably wasn't all that into me when we finished watching a movie on her bedroom floor.. We started making out and then when I tried to go further by touching her boobs she stopped me. I'm pretty inexperienced when it comes to dating.. only had one relationship that lasted 6 months until she cheated on me. So when I get attention from one girl I get too excited and focus all my attention on her. It leads to me getting too attached too fast and I know that makes girls do a complete 180. I guess you could say I had oneitis and I'm still trying to get over it. I just can't help but think "damn, I can't believe I ****ed this up" since I really liked this girl. I'm contemplating deleting her on facebook because the temptation to look at her pictures is just too much. Yeah I know that is pathetic that I'm thinking so much about this girl that is probably just boning some other dude right now. I'm used to getting rejected by random girls but this is the first time I've been rejected after a few dates and it sucks. I need some guidance.. I thought I had this all sorted out but I'm taking this rejection to heart more than I should. Doesn't sound like you did much wrong. "I like your kisses" isn't that bad and I too would have thought an invite to watch a movie at her place was an invite to hooking up. Confused by her putting on the brakes. And yeah, delete her off fbook. Detach.
mikefromtheblock Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 That does sound like the train already left the station. And if you want my genuine opinion - texting her again AFTER you already said you won't be friends with her leaves you in a 'desperate' guy's position which unfortunately puts many girls off. Sorry dude, you missed the train.
organizedchaos Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 We didn't have sex, just some making out. I saw her as potential gf material so I didn't really want to rush things. On the first two dates, everything went great. First date, we got drinks and went dancing, made out, Even told me how much fun she was having. Second date was more relaxed as we got lunch and she gave me a tour of her campus while walking around and holding hands (we're both seniors in college) But then.. the third date (she invited me to to her apartment). I know I royally screwed up here.. Thinking back on it I was a lot more nervous on the third date and wasn't displaying the confidence I showed on the first two dates. I displayed some needy qualities without even knowing until after the fact (saying mushy stuff like "I like your kisses"). God I cringe just thinking about that now. I was downplaying myself and my qualities, showed signs of insecurity.. obviously this is all woman repellant. Why I did these things, I DON'T KNOW!! But I do know not to do it again!! I realized that she probably wasn't all that into me when we finished watching a movie on her bedroom floor.. We started making out and then when I tried to go further by touching her boobs she stopped me. I'm pretty inexperienced when it comes to dating.. only had one relationship that lasted 6 months until she cheated on me. So when I get attention from one girl I get too excited and focus all my attention on her. It leads to me getting too attached too fast and I know that makes girls do a complete 180. I guess you could say I had oneitis and I'm still trying to get over it. I just can't help but think "damn, I can't believe I ****ed this up" since I really liked this girl. I'm contemplating deleting her on facebook because the temptation to look at her pictures is just too much. Yeah I know that is pathetic that I'm thinking so much about this girl that is probably just boning some other dude right now. I'm used to getting rejected by random girls but this is the first time I've been rejected after a few dates and it sucks. I need some guidance.. I thought I had this all sorted out but I'm taking this rejection to heart more than I should. Why are you adding a girl you've been on 3 dates on Facebook??? Wait awhile to see if it develops in to anything before doing that.
ChatroomHero Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 To me the only good response when you get a text like that is, "Sorry, who is this?", then radio silence. 2
thecrucible Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Why are you adding a girl you've been on 3 dates on Facebook??? Wait awhile to see if it develops in to anything before doing that. Yeah I sometimes get a guy adding me prior to a date, which I don't like because 'where's the mystery?'....maybe that's just me and my weirdness. I agree with what everyone else said though. Maybe the ship has sailed on this one but you tried so don't be too hard on yourself. I've just had something similar happen to me also
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