Red123 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 So after 4 months of NC the MOW emailed my H today with a lame excuse requesting that they meet to clear the air. He responded and not in a nice way and informed her that he shows her all if the communication she has sent since Dday. I'm so surprised at her contact, I figured she had moved on, the actual affair was like 2 months with LC for a month after with no meetings. Anyone experienced anything like this? Any theories on why after the time lapse she would contact? I was having a good day too. 1
Author Red123 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 It's not for my M to R but isn't it for NC? If someone said don't contact me then didn't contact me for 4 months I would think that they have no interest in taking to me. The NC has been longer than the entire A including the friendly chat at the beginning that broke the boundaries. 1
yellowmaverick Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 My WH's OW just called him a few days ago after NC for almost a year. D-day was almost three years ago and he dumped her immediately. They had sex about six times in nine months when she would fly 2000+ miles to meet him on business trips. Yep - do the math. Her continued attempts at contact have so far lasted almost four times longer than the time frame within which he was banging her. I am no longer with my H, but he still tells me when she attempts to make contact. We have a restraining order, so she cannot get anywhere near any of us, but it is still very creepy and so very pathetic. 2
jwi71 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 So after 4 months of NC the MOW emailed my H today with a lame excuse requesting that they meet to clear the air. He responded and not in a nice way and informed her that he shows her all if the communication she has sent since Dday. I'm so surprised at her contact, I figured she had moved on, the actual affair was like 2 months with LC for a month after with no meetings. Anyone experienced anything like this? Any theories on why after the time lapse she would contact? I was having a good day too. That's not unusual at all. The OW is, after all, a human too - with all the same wants and needs as anyone else. Now, I don't mean to EXCUSE HER BEHAVIOR, just a reminder that she has human motivations too. In an A everyone suffers. And the suffering can linger - for YEARS. You will, sadly, learn this. As to why. She is hurting. She seeks a peace she believes your H can provide. He can't of course but that's going to be a tough sell. Read no more than its her trying to get some closure/answers. Its perfectly normal and very human. DON'T allow it. NC is NC. They are done talking FOREVER. Not trying to minimize the OW's pain at all - but its none of your concern and you can't help it anyway. If you wish to be somewhat twisted, then the contact should be good - its validation she hurts. But that is cruel. Empathize, privately, for the pain of some really bad choices (and not just hers). In time, left to her own devices, she'll find peace and move on. But I feel bad for her, you and all involved. Work towards a positive outcome - healing and recovery - not delighting in the pain of others. 1
Try Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 So after 4 months of NC the MOW emailed my H today with a lame excuse requesting that they meet to clear the air. He responded and not in a nice way and informed her that he shows her all if the communication she has sent since Dday. I'm so surprised at her contact, I figured she had moved on, the actual affair was like 2 months with LC for a month after with no meetings. Anyone experienced anything like this? Any theories on why after the time lapse she would contact? I was having a good day too. Four months is nothing. She is addicted to your husband and the fantasy of the affair. The brain drugs that she felt when she was with your husband will make her think of your husband for many years. She may never completely get over your husband.
Author Red123 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Thanks for the replies. Yellow maverick - that sounds so crazy. Even the fact that a restraining order is needed says that this OW is probably not stable. I am trying to understand why a woman would want to put herself out there again after such obvious(and understandable) rejection. Jwi71- I totally get what you are saying and I do not feel any joy in her pain. She is married with two very little children and I actually just want her to leave us alone and focus on her own family. I'm sure she is hurt but she took a risk that she knew would probably not end positively and that is on her and my H. Try- I get what you are saying as well but shouldn't the fog have lifted by now? My H has been out if it for months and states that the thought of her brings nothing but shame and disgust with what he has done. I know everyone is different but I'm surprised she would spend so much time on someone she literally knew for 3.5 months in total and this wasn't a really steamy A. PA twice and mainly IM at work contact. I guess I am just really struggling to understand why a woman would want be rejected again after a few months to rebuild herself.
gettingstronger Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Yep, 14 months later and she still intrudes every now and then. It started about 2 months after dday, ramped up and settled down. We did everything we could to stop it. As my therapist says she is just trying to stay relevant in our lives. The upside, and it's a very small upside, is that it sure opened my husbands eyes on who/what he decided to risk our marriage for. I agree with those that say she's human and hurting, and that's why I was kind at first. As the intrusion continued I was far from kind. We have called the police, etc. it's no fun. If you notice I am a big advocate of all putting themselves first and healing, it's because an unhealthy OW that won't move on is a nightmare for all. I do empathize for them , but my empathy ends when people don't help themselves.
Author Red123 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Wow. Has she I dictated why she isn't letting go and moving on? It just seems so crazy to me that anyone would want to keep trying when they have been told to go away. I think it is very different for the OWs who have an MM who keeps them In LC or who alow the Intrusions. I just can't understand the attempts when they have been clearly told its over. Their pain I get but not the lack of respect for a couple attempting to R. 2
snappytomcat Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 the xow in my situation went nuts on me,she was pissed at me,my husband immediately blocked her from everything,and she would email and call me screaming to tell my coward husband to answer her phone calls,i never responded to her craziness,yes I know shes human but that all went out the window when she kept harassing me,and threatened my kids.i did have to file a complaint with our local sheriff,who had to contact the local police where she lives on the opposite coast.its been quiet for a couple months now,but I did have to change my number,and my email which really pissed me off at my husband,i was the innocent victim in this,but im the one that had to change my 18 year phone number,and 15 year email address,because of what he did,and im sorry to say I don't feel an ounce of compassion for her,and this makes me sad cause im not like that I have comassion for every living thing 1
Author Red123 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Wow. Has she Indictated why she isn't letting go and moving on? It just seems so crazy to me that anyone would want to keep trying when they have been told to go away. I think it is very different for the OWs who have an MM who keeps them In LC or who alow the Intrusions. I just can't understand the attempts when they have been clearly told its over. Their pain I get but not the lack of respect for a couple attempting to R. 2
gettingstronger Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Yes, not sure why just because they are heartbroken they can continue to intrude. I was pissed beyond belief right after DDay but never dreamed of interrupting her life because of it. 1
Author Red123 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Don't know why that posted twice lol. 1
Popsicle Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I guess I am just really struggling to understand why a woman would want be rejected again after a few months to rebuild herself. Because she is absolutely miserable with her husband and won't do anything about it. So she turns to your husband, someone she had something better with. 2
gettingstronger Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 As for why, she indicated its because she loves him deeply and is sure he loves her even though she admits he never said so. She has always been a game player. She would pretend she was asleep and tell him she loved him just to see if he would respond. We laugh like heck over her spreadsheet of lies she told herself and him. 1
Author Red123 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Snappy- that is crazy. I totally agree with your lack of compassion for her especially the threatening of your kids. Mama bears don't tolerate messing with our cubs. I'm so sorry you have had to deal with that. It's brutal!!! 3
Author Red123 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Popsicle - I do believe she is unhappy with her husband but what she had with mine wasn't real. She doesn't get to invade my life because of her unhappiness. I have been in so much pain throughout this and I have not contacted her H and invaded her life. I have wanted to because I would have wanted to know but I don't know him and I don't know if he is a good person or if he is hurtful. So I have decided to just leave them to deal with their own lives. But I expect the same! 2
frogss29 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Maybe that is why she is still trying to have contact with your husband??? Because, really, there have been no consequences for her?? 2
veritas lux mea Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Nope, still not unusual. Almost normal. You'd do better to ignore and focus on your husband as trying to figure out why she contacted. Because none of us know. She might be searching for "closure". She may have been trying to let things die down and then resume the A. Happens all the time why not for her or ay least try? She may have been writing emails and deleting them for four months or wanting to before she got the guts to reach out. She might be hurt and wanting answers. But none of that matters. One email after four months isn't bad. Your husband told her where to go. Hopefully she decides to believe him and doesn't think you are controlling her answers. Treat the email and her like what she should be in your life. Nothing to you. 1
Author Red123 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 I agree that there may have not been consequences for her. I don't believe that I am the one to implement them. She stated that he husband knows but my H and I do not believe it. It's kind of a long story why we think that but it involves some games on her part. I hope the consequences she faces are her own, she has a family and has to live with what she has done to her H as my H has to with me. She also has to look at herself and to me that would be the hardest part. Maybe not for her though. I agree she should mean nothing to me but it is hard as she invaded my life and I didn't invite her but stupid H did. I also process things by understanding and this is difficult because I will never understand her because she and I will not be speaking. 1
Spark1111 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I left the OW in my sitch alone....did not blame her, did not stalk her or incur ANY consequences.... BOTH of my barrels were dead aimed at my fWH..... They were co-workers, so many, many months later, I left 3 kind phone calls imploring her to talk to me, bury the hatchet and move on. I did not want us to bump into each other and have issues at a work related event, or even out and about with my GFs.... She NEVER returned a call and I thought, ok, so be it....she has moved on and I will take the high road and let it be. BIG MISTAKE. More than 2 years after DDAY, she waltzes unannounced into my H's NEW office and hints to if he would be interested in re-igniting the affair. he tells me, and with his full support, I called her and warned her off my my man and my family. Look, he, feeling guilty, let her down way TOO easily. Yes, he led her on.... AND she believed he reconciled not for love but for familial obligation. She believed, needed to believe, he still was in love with her and pining away.... maybe, like me, you are too kind and nice and trusting and forgiving..... Maybe, like me, it is time to take those high-road gloves off and confront her and warn her off..... She was absolutely GOBSMACKED he told me she visited and that he told me EVERYTHING about the affair.... THAT, alone told me she was still holding on to the fantasy of their TRUE love and his keeping of secrets from me. Last I heard, she left the state. 1
2sunny Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 She needed to check and see if he might pay attention to her. She figured maybe the dust had settled and maybe you weren't paying so much attention by now. It still gives him an ego boost - knowing that she attempted contact. She's making sure she's still on his mind one way it another. Bummer. 2
Author Red123 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 Wow. 2 years and she still came back? It just seems to me that in 2 years a woman would work on herself and her self worth and not go back to someone who doesn't want her. I would consider myself to be a compassionate person but I am pretty tough. Most would describe me as a really strong personality and I am not afraid of others. I guess I would like to speak to her and tell her to stay away but my main concern is opening a door for contact with me. I don't really care what she would have to say as I believe that she believes in her reality and I have no interest in that. It may come down to me contacting her if this contact continues. My H has already given me the go ahead. I guess I will have to wait and see. Thanks for sharing. It really helps.
2sunny Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Wow. 2 years and she still came back? It just seems to me that in 2 years a woman would work on herself and her self worth and not go back to someone who doesn't want her. I would consider myself to be a compassionate person but I am pretty tough. Most would describe me as a really strong personality and I am not afraid of others. I guess I would like to speak to her and tell her to stay away but my main concern is opening a door for contact with me. I don't really care what she would have to say as I believe that she believes in her reality and I have no interest in that. It may come down to me contacting her if this contact continues. My H has already given me the go ahead. I guess I will have to wait and see. Thanks for sharing. It really helps. Meet with her - and tell her if she attempts again you'll sue her for harassment or file a restraining order. She must get scared - what action can you take that makes her afraid to contact again? Can you report her at her job?
Author Red123 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 Well I guess she doesn't know this but I don't monitor him and haven't. I have read things that he shows me and offers up. I ask too many questions but I don't check his phone or email. The deal is if he wants this he has to be transparent not me searching to catch him. I have never been into that and don't want to live my life like that now. He has to prove he wants this. 17 years is a long time to throw away for a few months but it is up to him. So nothing has settled. Still the same and he got the email on his work computer and sent it to me at work. I would have been none the wiser.
Recommended Posts