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I paid the bail.

Haydn

By Haydn
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Haydn Established Member

Haydn

Posted
Posted

So many know my story here. So i won`t go into it. My ex lost it and left her kid with me. He turned up at my place without her, waiting outside. Now with his father and safe. Police took statement etc.. I have not see my ex for nearly 6 months and i have no desire to but have been on the end of a barrage of abuse however she could get it to me. She needs a lot of help. Two days ago she was admitted to a mental heath unit. She was able to leave on her own volition. 30 minutes ago i get a call from a police station saying she has requested i pay her bail. I called her ex husband, he said leave her there to rot. I cannot do this. I called a good friend of hers and i will pay the bail. Wrong? Yes i know. This is someone who my made life hell but i once loved. Shoot me down.

KaliLove Established Member

KaliLove

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She can't get near her child right?

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Haydn Established Member

Haydn

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No, not legally yet. He s with dad.

 

 

She can't get near her child right?
Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Tressugar Established Member

Tressugar

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Good God Almighty! Why dude?!

 

Read my signature and adhere to its principle.

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seekingpeaceinlove Established Member

seekingpeaceinlove

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Oh Haydn. You have a big heart.

 

How many more times, though, will you "bail" her out of a bad situation? When will you finally draw the line?

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Trovador Established Member

Trovador

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In the end, you are contributing to her problems... she knows that there is always a cushion to fall on... that there are a couple of saps who always will bail her out... her exhusband surely knew too well this...

 

While you are there to "help" her she'll never touch bottom...

 

Isn't this a syndrome or something? The knight who saves the damsel in peril?

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

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Whats the word I'm looking for........enabling.....yes, enabling.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Yes, that's exactly what he is doing enabling her. She will never get her s--t together if she knows someone is always going to be there to bail her out. Her staying in jail may have given her some time to reflect. I feel so, so sorry for her poor kid. I hope the father gets full custody.

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Haydn Established Member

Haydn

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I have never bailed her out before. Just now. Obviously i am a twat.

 

Yes, that's exactly what he is doing enabling her. She will never get her s--t together if she knows someone is always going to be there to bail her out. Her staying in jail may have given her some time to reflect. I feel so, so sorry for her poor kid. I hope the father gets full custody.
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Haydn Established Member

Haydn

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`he`, he not is some soft sod. `he` happens to care what happens. I have judged and now get what i deserve my friends. I dont feel sorry for the kid i empathiase 100%

 

 

Yes, that's exactly what he is doing enabling her. She will never get her s--t together if she knows someone is always going to be there to bail her out. Her staying in jail may have given her some time to reflect. I feel so, so sorry for her poor kid. I hope the father gets full custody.
  • Like 1
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Haydn Established Member

Haydn

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No damsel involved.

 

In the end, you are contributing to her problems... she knows that there is always a cushion to fall on... that there are a couple of saps who always will bail her out... her exhusband surely knew too well this...

 

While you are there to "help" her she'll never touch bottom...

 

Isn't this a syndrome or something? The knight who saves the damsel in peril?

writergal Established Member

writergal

Posted
Posted
No damsel involved.

 

For Pete sake people! None of you have the right to judge Haydn as you have.

 

(Haydn you're not a twat for helping your ex out either. Stop that.)

 

He was in a sticky situation and did the right thing for all involved.

 

There was a child involved. What was he supposed to do? Turn a blind eye?

 

And so what if he paid his ex-girlfriend's bail because no one else would? They once were in a relationship and loved each other. He's not enabling her just for paying her bail. That's ridiculous. If he did it everytime she was jailed, maybe. But one time? I don't think that qualifies as enabler. He did her a favor.

 

If an ex-boyfriend or ex-friend came to me for help and had no one else, I would help them in a second because that's the right thing to do.

 

If someone asks me for help and I can help them, I will. Since when did it become a crime to help an ex out?

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Haydn Established Member

Haydn

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Cheers WG.

 

 

For Pete sake people! None of you have the right to judge Haydn as you have.

 

(Haydn you're not a twat for helping your ex out either. Stop that.)

 

He was in a sticky situation and did the right thing for all involved.

 

There was a child involved. What was he supposed to do? Turn a blind eye?

 

And so what if he paid his ex-girlfriend's bail because no one else would? They once were in a relationship and loved each other. He's not enabling her just for paying her bail. That's ridiculous. If he did it everytime she was jailed, maybe. But one time? I don't think that qualifies as enabler. He did her a favor.

 

If an ex-boyfriend or ex-friend came to me for help and had no one else, I would help them in a second because that's the right thing to do.

 

If someone asks me for help and I can help them, I will. Since when did it become a crime to help an ex out?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Trovador Established Member

Trovador

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For Pete sake people! None of you have the right to judge Haydn as you have.

 

(Haydn you're not a twat for helping your ex out either. Stop that.)

 

He was in a sticky situation and did the right thing for all involved.

 

There was a child involved. What was he supposed to do? Turn a blind eye?

 

And so what if he paid his ex-girlfriend's bail because no one else would? They once were in a relationship and loved each other. He's not enabling her just for paying her bail. That's ridiculous. If he did it everytime she was jailed, maybe. But one time? I don't think that qualifies as enabler. He did her a favor.

 

If an ex-boyfriend or ex-friend came to me for help and had no one else, I would help them in a second because that's the right thing to do.

 

If someone asks me for help and I can help them, I will. Since when did it become a crime to help an ex out?

 

Read well the topic, for Pete's sake!

 

The child and the bail are different episodes...

 

But I guess you have made the original poster very happy... or why do you think he posted here? Because he is unsure of what is good or wrong in his case...

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Haydn Established Member

Haydn

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Thanks. Obviously i am am idiot. That`s ok though, been patronised before. `his case` Good or wrong? You tell me? Actually don`t. I dread to think....

 

Read well the topic, for Pete's sake!

 

The child and the bail are different episodes...

 

But I guess you have made the original poster very happy... or why do you think he posted here? Because he is unsure of what is good or wrong in his case...

redbaron005 Established Member

redbaron005

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You did the right thing.

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barky2 Established Member

barky2

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You didn't do the right nor wrong thing.

 

<editorial commentary redacted>

 

Now Haydn,I've been here with you from day one, I know the back history.

 

Did you do the right thing... I have a two part answer in that question.

 

For the child sake, for her well being yes Absolutely....10 fold you did.

 

As for her, no you didn't.

 

She didn't learn a lesson, she once again relied on you to pick her up when she fell.

 

Sometimes people need to completely bottom out before they learn.

 

Maybe this was her time, she is either going to do it again, or straighten the F up.

 

That's not for you to decide, dictate ect.

 

Moving forward, only thing you do is make damned sure she shows up for court so you can get your bail money back.

 

If she runs, your **** outta luck.

 

Then I'll be mad at you lol

 

But honestly, there's no harm no foul done here, I've made my good and bad points on the issue, but keep moving forward.

 

Let her know that was her one get out of jail free card, and it won't ever happen again.

 

Best of luck as always

 

 

 

Barky

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 3
William Established Member

William

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Looks like a bunch of quote failures, now edited, along with some inflammatory editorial commentaries, so we'll remind members to focus on the topic. Thanks!. Minor thread edits.

ja123 Established Member

ja123

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I'm thinking along the lines of writergal: if it's just a one time thing.

 

 

In all honesty, I'd have probably done the same had I the extra cash.

 

 

Hang in there, OP. Break-ups can be rough. It's hard to let go and say goodbye, even if you know it's for the best.

 

 

Your heart is in the right place. :) Keep your goodness, but you must also protect your precious heart.

  • Like 2
Downtown Established Member

Downtown

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I will pay the bail. Wrong?
No, not wrong in my book, Haydn. With respect to your own well being, you are on firm ground and have no desire to restart the relationship. Indeed, you've been remarkably strong in breaking away from her. I therefore don't see your act of generosity as a step backward. I nonetheless share Barky's concern that you may lose your money if this unstable woman doesn't show up for court.

 

With respect to your Ex's welfare, I generally believe she is best served when you don't protect her from the logical consequences of her own bad behavior. Otherwise, she has no incentive to grow up. On the other hand, I don't see how spending several weeks in jail would be beneficial to someone going through a mental health crisis, especially if she was experiencing temporary severe paranoia or psychosis (which BPDers sometimes do when under great stress).

 

At issue, then, is whether her abandoning her son at your doorstep was sufficient reason for her to belong in jail -- in addition to the two days she spent in the mental health unit. I don't know the answer to that question but I am inclined to trust your judgment on the matter. From what you've written over the past six months, I believe that -- with respect to your Ex -- your eyes are wide open and you well understand what is going on.

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jay1983 Established Member

jay1983

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Posted (edited)

Hadyn, I know what you are, a human!

 

So she's not a good person or whatever the case.

 

In the US you get your bail money back when she shows up to court. Not sure how it works in the UK. Do you think she'll skip bail?

 

Bail her out, leaving her in there won't help her mental condition. Don't leave her in there.

 

This is the first time, right?

Edited by jay1983
  • Like 2
oz-missy Established Member

oz-missy

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Ok I don't know the full back story of what is going on here but based on what I've read in OP and further posts:

 

The child. The innocent is in the custody of the child's father.

 

Mother who was committed due to some sort of mental health episode requested bail to get out from OP. Why why would OP do something as silly as that? The mother (OP's ex) sounds as though she is struggling with some sort of mental disorder. Instead of her having it dealt with by professionals, she has had bail posted as is back in the community. I get that OP feels that he was doing the right thing because she asked for help - what about the child? Yes the child is currently with it's father - but what if this mother shows up to the father's house and takes the child? Harms the child? What then?

 

This woman obviously has some pull on the OP.

  • Like 1
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Why would you part with your hard earned money for somebody that treated you like this?

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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You're a good man and you do/did what you needed to do. Just because she is whatever it is she is, doesn't mean you are the same...

  • Like 3
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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