BHsigh Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Of course you are completely right, there is no way they can be friends. But it is your H who hurt you not his OW - she does not know you, she did not make any maritral promises to you. I would not accept any contact, I know what i means. It means the connection is still there. havng said that, my MM is miserable without me and me without him in any way. So what do you do then? It it very sad to me personally that some people think this way. In my personal opinion, everyone is morally obligated to care about other people, regardless of whether you know them or not. The only satisfactory excuse for an AP, to me, is when they get involved without knowing that the WS is married. To me they are then in the same shoes as the BS. I have grown a lot, and I can understand that exAP's deserve help and compassion, but the path them for them to grow and learn is to first realize that they are just as guilty as the WS, and that they are not in any way morally superior than the WS whatsoever. I don't intend to sound mean here, I wish for the best for everyone, but the whole "the AP never made vows to the BS", just doesn't hold water with me, it's just an excuse, and a poor one at that. Whatever happened to the Golden Rule? Do people just not care about others anymore? It just makes me sad. 4
Scott Thomas Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 My xMM and I were both cake eaters so when he had a DDay, we went immediate NC, as stipulated by his W to R. However that doesn't mean he doesn't *wish* we could at least be friends, as he just told me a few weeks ago. There's no way his W would be ok with that, and she shouldn't be, because there are still feelings there, even after a year and a half after DDay. Maybe we just haven't had enough consequences and/or time to get to the point that other WS have posted here about wanting nothing to do with the person who helped them hurt their families Broken princess, If you don't mind me asking, how long was the EA and how ling have you managed NC? It's just that I feel an EA is easier to 'break' compared to 'EA and PA', at least in my personal experience.
Scott Thomas Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 It it very sad to me personally that some people think this way. In my personal opinion, everyone is morally obligated to care about other people, regardless of whether you know them or not. The only satisfactory excuse for an AP, to me, is when they get involved without knowing that the WS is married. To me they are then in the same shoes as the BS. I have grown a lot, and I can understand that exAP's deserve help and compassion, but the path them for them to grow and learn is to first realize that they are just as guilty as the WS, and that they are not in any way morally superior than the WS whatsoever. I don't intend to sound mean here, I wish for the best for everyone, but the whole "the AP never made vows to the BS", just doesn't hold water with me, it's just an excuse, and a poor one at that. Whatever happened to the Golden Rule? Do people just not care about others anymore? It just makes me sad. You're right and I share your sentiments. However, if your guard decides to hand the keys to your house to a thief.... Point: a lot of people don't care- if they did, we wouldn't need jails, prison or the police for that matter. While the scenario might be different if the AP was a friend/associate/relative, it's the spouses' duty to defend (mutually) the marriage. This doesn't resolve the AP of any responsibility, but since adultery is not punishable under law and many people won't think twice before hopping into bed with your spouse, the blame is shouldered by the person who took the oath to remain loyal to you.
BHsigh Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 My xMM and I were both cake eaters so when he had a DDay, we went immediate NC, as stipulated by his W to R. However that doesn't mean he doesn't *wish* we could at least be friends, as he just told me a few weeks ago. There's no way his W would be ok with that, and she shouldn't be, because there are still feelings there, even after a year and a half after DDay. Maybe we just haven't had enough consequences and/or time to get to the point that other WS have posted here about wanting nothing to do with the person who helped them hurt their families How is it NC if you talked a few weeks ago? Maybe true NC would help you both move on, that is one of the reasons for NC, along with helping the BS rebuild trust. 2
BHsigh Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 You're right and I share your sentiments. However, if your guard decides to hand the keys to your house to a thief.... Point: a lot of people don't care- if they did, we wouldn't need jails, prison or the police for that matter. While the scenario might be different if the AP was a friend/associate/relative, it's the spouses' duty to defend (mutually) the marriage. This doesn't resolve the AP of any responsibility, but since adultery is not punishable under law and many people won't think twice before hopping into bed with your spouse, the blame is shouldered by the person who took the oath to remain loyal to you. The thief in your example would still be guilty as well. The OM in my situation was a friend, and I can see how that does change things. And you are right of course, people just don't care about others anymore, and that is what's sad.
KaliLove Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Of course you are completely right, there is no way they can be friends. But it is your H who hurt you not his OW - she does not know you, she did not make any maritral promises to you. I would not accept any contact, I know what i means. It means the connection is still there. havng said that, my MM is miserable without me and me without him in any way. So what do you do then? Oh the eternal argument of the affair parter. You didn't make the marriage vows, and therefore you are an innocent victim. You (general you, not you specifically, as I don't know your story) may not have made any promises to his wife but you did help him break his (it's different if you didn't know he was married). You did knowingly have a hand in hurting her. If they are reconciling, she has every right to demand no contact between the two of you, just as I'm sure if he'd chosen to leave her for you, you would want minimal to no contact between the two of them. You knowingly help to hurt someone else and you'll probably get hurt yourself. 2
Scott Thomas Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 The thief in your example would still be guilty as well. The OM in my situation was a friend, and I can see how that does change things. And you are right of course, people just don't care about others anymore, and that is what's sad. The double stab definitely sucks. He wasn't a true friend. Your WW should be moving heaven and earth to make up for this.
BrokenPrincess Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Broken princess, If you don't mind me asking, how long was the EA and how ling have you managed NC? It's just that I feel an EA is easier to 'break' compared to 'EA and PA', at least in my personal experience. It was a full blown A, physical and emotional. After his DDay, 4 months absolute NC. After he broke NC, we ended up rekindling for a couple months but very underground, I guess technically it was EA at that point since we were LD and didn't see each other in person. He ended it the second time because he didn't want to risk losing his family with a second DDay and the stress & paranoia was making him sick. Made it 9 months NC after that when he asked me to lunch. Had a (mostly) pleasant, friendly meeting but still ended up kissing at the end We can't be just friends and we both want off the roller coaster. Back to NC...
thummper Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 My xMM and I were both cake eaters so when he had a DDay, we went immediate NC, as stipulated by his W to R. However that doesn't mean he doesn't *wish* we could at least be friends, as he just told me a few weeks ago. There's no way his W would be ok with that, and she shouldn't be, because there are still feelings there, even after a year and a half after DDay. Maybe we just haven't had enough consequences and/or time to get to the point that other WS have posted here about wanting nothing to do with the person who helped them hurt their families As he just told me a few weeks ago????????? Uhhhhhhhh..... I thought you said you "went immediate NC." This doesn't sound like no contact to me, but then suspicion is a part of my nature. Actually, it sounds more like you're still addicted and just can't let it go. Really, really sad, especially for your BS. I pity him when he discovers you're still communicating, even if it's only sporadic. What a slap in the face!
sweet_pea Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 My xMM and I were both cake eaters so when he had a DDay, we went immediate NC, as stipulated by his W to R. However that doesn't mean he doesn't *wish* we could at least be friends, as he just told me a few weeks ago. There's no way his W would be ok with that, and she shouldn't be, because there are still feelings there, even after a year and a half after DDay. Maybe we just haven't had enough consequences and/or time to get to the point that other WS have posted here about wanting nothing to do with the person who helped them hurt their families Probably. As I understand your story, you husband has no idea that you cheated on him and his wife has no idea of the extent of his affair. So basically, y'all got "away with it" and add onto that the recent contact… However, the not wanting anything to do with the person who helped them hurt their families has to also come from within. 2
sweet_pea Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Of course you are completely right, there is no way they can be friends. But it is your H who hurt you not his OW - she does not know you, she did not make any maritral promises to you. I would not accept any contact, I know what i means. It means the connection is still there. havng said that, my MM is miserable without me and me without him in any way. So what do you do then? Oh, puh-leaze. Yes, the WS hurts the BS but that does not mean that the OW doesn't hurt them just because they don't know each other or aren't in a relationship with the BS. You don't have to know someone, be in a relationship with them, make promises to them to hurt them. Own your sh*t. Own that you helped hurt someone. Own that you did hurt someone. 5
thummper Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Probably. As I understand your story, you husband has no idea that you cheated on him and his wife has no idea of the extent of his affair. So basically, y'all got "away with it" and add onto that the recent contact… However, the not wanting anything to do with the person who helped them hurt their families has to also come from within. Well, not meaning (necessarily) to come off too harsh here, I hope to hell your husband DOES find out about it and deals with you accordingly. Why, who knows, you may still get to be with your fantastic loving and caring MM yet. But, of course, there's that pesky ol' wife and family of his to deal with!! Darn, there's always a catch, isn't there?
BrokenPrincess Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Well, not meaning (necessarily) to come off too harsh here, I hope to hell your husband DOES find out about it and deals with you accordingly. Why, who knows, you may still get to be with your fantastic loving and caring MM yet. But, of course, there's that pesky ol' wife and family of his to deal with!! Darn, there's always a catch, isn't there? No, that didn't come off as too harsh...it was very constructive, helpful, and definitely on topic of "being friends after DDay".
Furious Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 No, that didn't come off as too harsh...it was very constructive, helpful, and definitely on topic of "being friends after DDay". Gently.....why are you risking so much for so little. I'm freaked out by the continuation of your affair...you just had a baby, your just had a baby with your husband and yet you're embroiled on this affair. You are not MM's friend and he is not your friend, because real friends don't set a fuse that can blow up entire families. Why oh why would you bring another child into the world if you don't love your husband and are in love with another MM. 1
Fluttershy Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 I am not a stickler on NC to the point that my husband can't be anywhere she may turn up or us moving. But I can certainly say I would have had his stuff on the lawn if he had wanted her to remain "just friends" with him. Even a fresh ex girlfriend can be a bit much. But a person who was an active player in the pain I felt? Hell no!
Recommended Posts