atreides Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 A pattern i see to the many patterns involving affairs is the desire to be "friends" with the AP after D-Day. This does not apply to all, but to those that chose to reconcile with your BS. Why do some of you wish to remain "friends" with your AP? Many of you are self-aware that you were used, that the love was nothing more than chemicals in many cases IE "fog" and in choosing to reconcile chose your spouse over your AP which is an oxymoron... i know ... ok reaffirming your commitment to your spouse. In choosing to R with your BS and the fact that D-Day exists states and by admission that the affair was a mistake, so why expound on it with "friendship?" I understand residual feelings of perceived "love" lust, rejection at times and the infamous quest to know you "meant something more"; but yearning for "friendship" is something a lot more and begs the question of why?
Sofie2013 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I have the same question. Plus how could you be friends with your AP after everything that has happened and the pain you both caused to your spouses. I know I could never friends with my AP after Dday and I didn’t want too. 6
underwater2010 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Thank god it was not an issue with my FWH. Because that would have been a deal breaker for our R. I could have easily become friends with MOW's BH. After all we talked quite a bit due to my exposing of the affair. Yes, I was that awful BW that exposed MOW to her BH instead of letting it remain hidden. LOL. But that friendship did not feel right to me. I felt that it was built from something that almost did me in. And that holding unto it would just extend the pain and might even ruin our chances at R. 2
gettingstronger Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Agree, neither my husband nor I have the interest or time to be involved with our OW. She has tried through her intrusions and it's just annoying to both of us. The triangle has been broken. We are a we, with no room for another. Add to that, how unhealthy to revisit such a mistake. He wants to distance himself as much as possible from who he allowed himself to become at that time.
veritas lux mea Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 After it ended and before i confessed I wanted it to be like it never happened. We were all friends before well except his wife and I didn't want that to change. Later I missed the drug and wished I had not cut him off and missed the attention. Now that I have got over that I don't regret them out of our life even if the affair never happened. But they aren't totay out of our lives and we are on "friendly terms" like that same person you see at te bust stop and nod to everyday.
Friskyone4u Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 It never ceases to amaze me when I read this desire to be friends crap. I cannot see how on earth that ever helps the BS heal. What is even more amazing is when we see posts that some BS a truly agree to it. It's insane 8
veritas lux mea Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 It never ceases to amaze me when I read this desire to be friends crap. I cannot see how on earth that ever helps the BS heal. What is even more amazing is when we see posts that some BS a truly agree to it. It's insane It actually is crap and really isn't logical thinking being real friends. But a lot of the people who want it that i believe the OP is posting about are people who have not told their BS so the BS doesn't think anything of the friendship. And that is why so many fail at ending the affair even if it is just the EA side. We showed we were too weak to not start the affair it is usually crazy talk to think we can have a "normal" friendship with the AP again. Usually lots of denial involved. As to a BS putting up with a friendship? I have never heard of it but a BS allowing politeness is not the same.
DKT3 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 My WW maintained a "friendship" with her AP and it lead to one last romp after DDay even though it wasn't the true DDay. She said on some level seeking his attention under the pretense of friendship, she knew it would lead to sex. It wasn't her intention but it was what she gave to get what she wanted. It was at that point he made the demand for her to make a choice, him or me. She cut him off total, even though she truely believe they could remain friends. It made me so mad. But then again what would you expect? In that mindset she also thought it was ok to be involved with him. 2
Owl Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Most WS's tend to 'hope' that they'll get to remain 'friends' with their affair partners. It's as has been alluded to already...the affair is addictive, and they're looking for some way...any way...that they can keep feeding the addiction for as long as they can, and they have that hope against hope that their BS will be desperate/foolish enough to allow them to remain friends with their former affair partner while still reconciling the marriage. Most BS's almost instincively know better...but there are some few that agree to it, normally to their ultimate regret. My wife held onto this hope for a short time after d-day, when she was undecided about reconciling and hadn't yet been forced to make a choice. When the choice was made, I pushed for full NC, but it took a bit of effort for it to finally get into place. Several months later, she started to 'get it' as to why it had to go the way it did. Years later, she can look back and not fathom why she thought the way she did during/shortly after the affair. 3
DKT3 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Most WS's tend to 'hope' that they'll get to remain 'friends' with their affair partners. It's as has been alluded to already...the affair is addictive, and they're looking for some way...any way...that they can keep feeding the addiction for as long as they can, and they have that hope against hope that their BS will be desperate/foolish enough to allow them to remain friends with their former affair partner while still reconciling the marriage. Most BS's almost instincively know better...but there are some few that agree to it, normally to their ultimate regret. My wife held onto this hope for a short time after d-day, when she was undecided about reconciling and hadn't yet been forced to make a choice. When the choice was made, I pushed for full NC, but it took a bit of effort for it to finally get into place. Several months later, she started to 'get it' as to why it had to go the way it did. Years later, she can look back and not fathom why she thought the way she did during/shortly after the affair. Ditto Owl. Its no wonder under their state of mind at the time. My wife doesn't get how she convinced herself it was ok at all. Seven months of limit pushing every step alittle easier. She explained that she would tell herself it was no so bad, then the next no so bad until only step left was sex. Once we had a true DDay her relationship with the AP made me no difference I was over the whole thing and only wanted out. Looking back it was over and she had gone NC. 1
anne1707 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Friends with the xOM? Hell no. Apart from it not being something I would want, it would be such an insult to my husband. I work with the xOM and he is just a colleague. The working relationship is civil and not strained, which is also important for colleagues as there is no bad atmosphere, and that is more than enough for me. 1
thummper Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 FRIENDS???????!!!! Seriously? Who would disrespect their BS enough to remain friends with the person they cheated with and who helped destroy their marriage and broke their partner's heart and spirit? My belief is that you get as far away from that person, both mentally and physically, as you possibly can. Friends indeed!!!!!!!! That's just about the dumbest idea I've run across since I first started monitoring this site! 9
thummper Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Friends with the xOM? Hell no. Apart from it not being something I would want, it would be such an insult to my husband. I work with the xOM and he is just a colleague. The working relationship is civil and not strained, which is also important for colleagues as there is no bad atmosphere, and that is more than enough for me. Interesting, Anne. I'm not sure how such an arrangement could be to anybody's benefit. How can you continue to work with someone you had a close sexual relationship with in an atmosphere that is NOT strained? Had you been my spouse and insisted on staying at the same job location as the POSOM, you would NO LONGER be my spouse. I'm just NOT that understanding or forgiving. Your husband must be one hell of a great man! My hat's off to him. 1
anne1707 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Interesting, Anne. I'm not sure how such an arrangement could be to anybody's benefit. How can you continue to work with someone you had a close sexual relationship with in an atmosphere that is NOT strained? Had you been my spouse and insisted on staying at the same job location as the POSOM, you would NO LONGER be my spouse. I'm just NOT that understanding or forgiving. Your husband must be one hell of a great man! My hat's off to him. It is definitely not the ideal and not for everybody. It also took a while for things to reach the stage they are now at work. But I really do struggle to understand why it would have to be strained if I am indifferent to him, which is the case. If you met an ex, would it feel strained? Probably not, so why should it be different for an xAP if you have truly moved on. We don't do any personal talk. We don't even talk about the weather. It is all just work. And yes my husband is an amazing man :love: 2
Owl Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 It is definitely not the ideal and not for everybody. It also took a while for things to reach the stage they are now at work. But I really do struggle to understand why it would have to be strained if I am indifferent to him, which is the case. If you met an ex, would it feel strained? Probably not, so why should it be different for an xAP if you have truly moved on. We don't do any personal talk. We don't even talk about the weather. It is all just work. And yes my husband is an amazing man :love: I think one of the key differences here is that many...if not most...affairs end because the affair is discovered, and in those cases most often neither the AP nor the WS are yet willing to give up the relationship. Anne's case took a slightly different turn (and I hope you don't mind my sharing, Anne...and please correct anything I misremember). She actually made the choice to end the affair, confess the affair to her husband, and work on the marriage without any d-day being required. She opted to do the right thing on her own, before getting caught. My thought is that this likely made it a good bit easier for her to 'get over' the affair and any lingering addiction to her AP...and that much easier for her to see the damage she'd done, and work to minimize that damage as best she could, without judgement being clouded by still having tremendous attachment to the affair/affair partner. Her choice to remain working there was difficult for her and for her H...but it was the best option they both saw given her career, and their financial situation. It wasn't a perfect solution, but it was the best solution that they could come up with...and it was one that was agreed upon by both her and her H. I tip my hat to her H...I'm not sure that I could have rebuilt trust in her in that circumstance (no insult intended to anyone here...simply pointing out my own personal insecurities). He did, and from his posts and hers here on LS, it sounds like they made all the right choices. 2
excusememister Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Thank god it was not an issue with my FWH. Because that would have been a deal breaker for our R. Agree with this - 100%. My WH completely ended relationship with OW. If he had wanted to remain friends with her, it would have been a deal breaker for me; I would have never agreed to R. 1
road Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Friends with the xOM? Hell no. Apart from it not being something I would want, it would be such an insult to my husband. I work with the xOM and he is just a colleague. The working relationship is civil and not strained, which is also important for colleagues as there is no bad atmosphere, and that is more than enough for me. Hell No. If you were my WW you would not have any contact with the OM. Time for a new job. Called the consequences of having an affair. Unless you wanted divorce.
gettingstronger Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Anne, I can see that out of necessity and because of your honesty that is the best solution to your issue. I think it's important to note she in no way considers him a friend
BHsigh Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Hell No. If you were my WW you would not have any contact with the OM. Time for a new job. Called the consequences of having an affair. Unless you wanted divorce. Ouch, I would have to agree, I would rather my family be homeless than for my wife to work with that...... I am glad that it works out for you Anne, but I just couldn't do it. There's a world of difference between an ex and an exAP to me. My wife's AP ended their affair before I caught them, they tried to stay friends afterwards, part of that reason was probably because I was friends with him and had already voiced my suspicions, them not remaining friends would have been a dead give away. Not mention, she also spent time during their "friendship" chasing after him to resume the affair.
Spark1111 Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 My fWH's OW was devastated they could no remain friends after he I intend NC. She cried and sobbed and twisted him into a pretzel of guilt and shame. I calmly told him that if he maintained a "friendship" with his xAP, I intended to initiate and maintain a friendship with ALL my former college BFs. That would be okay then, yes???? HE looked gobsmacked as if he finally GOT IT. I think two things about this friend nonsense: I agree with Owl. A friendship leaves the door WIDE OPEN to reigniting the EA or PA or both despite the spouse and the acclamations to reconcile. Selfish, selfish, selfish. And, number 2: IF we can remain friends, then having an affair with a MP does NOT mean I am a bad, unethical or immoral person because, SEE? We are STILL FRIENDS! ( I.e., I am NOT a bad person despite my despicable, selfish, usury actions....) He/She still likes me as a friend, even though I helped them almost self destruct all they held dear for my own needs.... Again, selfish, selfish, selfish! take your pick. Not good, not good, not good. 4
Author atreides Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 Most WS's tend to 'hope' that they'll get to remain 'friends' with their affair partners. It's as has been alluded to already...the affair is addictive, and they're looking for some way...any way...that they can keep feeding the addiction for as long as they can, and they have that hope against hope that their BS will be desperate/foolish enough to allow them to remain friends with their former affair partner while still reconciling the marriage. That is absolutely key, so many times especially in the OM/OW forum threads that I was reading, they speak of "love" with the AP, then D-Day hits... then all you read about is "love" when it is an addiction. Most BS's almost instincively know better...but there are some few that agree to it, normally to their ultimate regret. My wife held onto this hope for a short time after d-day, when she was undecided about reconciling and hadn't yet been forced to make a choice. When the choice was made, I pushed for full NC, but it took a bit of effort for it to finally get into place. Several months later, she started to 'get it' as to why it had to go the way it did. Years later, she can look back and not fathom why she thought the way she did during/shortly after the affair. It seems with your wife that the addiction had to wear off, the coming out of the "fog" before realization.
Author atreides Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 My WW maintained a "friendship" with her AP and it lead to one last romp after DDay even though it wasn't the true DDay. She said on some level seeking his attention under the pretense of friendship, she knew it would lead to sex. It wasn't her intention but it was what she gave to get what she wanted. It was at that point he made the demand for her to make a choice, him or me. She cut him off total, even though she truely believe they could remain friends. It made me so mad. But then again what would you expect? In that mindset she also thought it was ok to be involved with him. Did she confess to the post D-Day romp? The statement "it was what she gave to get what she wanted" leads me to another observation which this "friends" issue helps them rationalize... that i will bring up on my next post. 1
Author atreides Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 My fWH's OW was devastated they could no remain friends after he I intend NC. She cried and sobbed and twisted him into a pretzel of guilt and shame. I calmly told him that if he maintained a "friendship" with his xAP, I intended to initiate and maintain a friendship with ALL my former college BFs. That would be okay then, yes???? HE looked gobsmacked as if he finally GOT IT. I think two things about this friend nonsense: I agree with Owl. A friendship leaves the door WIDE OPEN to reigniting the EA or PA or both despite the spouse and the acclamations to reconcile. Selfish, selfish, selfish. And, number 2: IF we can remain friends, then having an affair with a MP does NOT mean I am a bad, unethical or immoral person because, SEE? We are STILL FRIENDS! ( I.e., I am NOT a bad person despite my despicable, selfish, usury actions....) He/She still likes me as a friend, even though I helped them almost self destruct all they held dear for my own needs.... Again, selfish, selfish, selfish! take your pick. Not good, not good, not good. Bingo! "friendship" is used as a shield from their own conscience and guilt. 3
Author atreides Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 I read a thread where a WS went ahead and broke NC and apparently declares it is one last romp, but "oh how guilty and hypocritical they feel and will spare their spouse the pain by never knowing." I see this pattern repeatedly especially with those that yearn for the "friendship".. that goes with "breaking NC".... then already knowing "how awful they are" and they openly say this, to breaking NC and so on and so on... as if to normalize this behavior from the repeated loop but to guise it under "love yielding to friendship." So with the context of being self aware and in R, it is "love" (of course perceived) to them but like any addiction as with smoking, "being friends" is the nicotine patch instead of the cigarette from what i gather. 1
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