smileforelena Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Please share with me your opinion when you get a message like this from your boyfriend's ex...... Me leaving you a message should not have to happen. We don’t know each other. We just both know A. He left me for you. I don’t know the version of the story you know. At this point it doesn’t matter. It messed me up but by God’s grace I’m still standing. I accepted his decision and never went after him. I stayed away, kept my distance and avoided him like my life depended on it. I was told that the two of you being together is God’s will like it’s meant to be and, more recently that ya’ll go way back. At first I did not understand how God’s will could cause so much pain to another person who didn’t need to be involved in the first place. But I’m over that. God used my pain to improve me. I am not in any position to make any assumptions about you and your relationship. Messaging you is an intrusion and if I put myself in your shoes I wouldn’t appreciate a message like this either. But the circumstance has reached a point where I think someone else needs to step in or maybe even step up. You should have a pretty good idea of who A really is since ya’ll go way back. You must know him from his past, who he is now and who he can be. Not the man you want him to be or the man that he appears to be. You must have an idea by now what he needs. You wanted to be in his life. You are in it. Take on the role not only based on how you know but also based on who he is. I am far from being an expert on relationships but it is basic human nature that we look outside when we cannot find it inside. I would like for this to be the end of a long drawn out circumstance that I allowed myself to be part of. From the bottom of my heart I am sorry I allowed myself to be in A’s life again knowing that you are already in the picture. As a woman, I am sincerely regretful that I gave in to my emotions when he came to me and end up hurting another unsuspecting woman . I wish I was strong enough then to run the opposite direction and committed to doing what is right. But you have nothing to worry about after this. I will never contact you again. And A will hate me for contacting you. [/i][/i]
Zahara Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 He cheated on you? Did he revisit her while with you?
Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 That's a tough one. What were the circumstances of this breakup?
KaliLove Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Sounds to me like she's telling you that your boyfriend cheated on you with her. Do you believe her? I personally would believe her, because she's got nothing to lose by telling you..she's right that he will probably hate her for contacting you so it's not like she's trying to steal him away. But then again, I don't know them and you do. What does your gut say? Have you confronted him?
Chi townD Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Wow, that was kinda neat. Just an apology from one girl to another. Seems like she's grown up and is looking at the big picture. Lets see if she follows through with what she wrote. But, I would just leave it be. Seemed like something she needed to get off her chest to move forward with her own life. 2
KaliLove Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Sounds to me like she's telling you that your boyfriend cheated on you with her. Do you believe her? I personally would believe her, because she's got nothing to lose by telling you..she's right that he will probably hate her for contacting you so it's not like she's trying to steal him away. But then again, I don't know them and you do. What does your gut say? Have you confronted him? I meant nothing to gain, not nothing to lose.
Zahara Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Sounds to me like she's telling you that your boyfriend cheated on you with her. Do you believe her? ? That's what I got from the last part too. And the fact that she keeps referring to OP knowing "who" he is.
Author smileforelena Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 I am the author of the message. And yes he has cheated on the girlfriend with me. If you have time, read on. It will answer most of your questions... “..we go all the way back more than ten years…she used to come by me when we were still children…I love her its like we are meant to be. “ This is one of the last things the man said to me one night last week while he was about to leave my home. This was his reply when I started a conversation about putting a stop to this sick thing between us. I asked him if he loves his girlfriend. You see, 8 months ago this same man dropped me like I was nothing because he got a chance with his long time crush (“we-go-a long –way-back” girlfriend). We were exclusive but unofficial for almost a year. And towards the end of it I sensed that there was a change and I had to start that conversation too. I was a MESS for at least three months. I avoided him like a plague no contact, slam the door to his face kind of avoiding. Even when it was very difficult and sometimes awkward since we work in the same place. Eventually I had to get out of the rut and pick myself up. I got involved in different productive things. Life started looking better then on one of my best days he came around. It started with hello and continued with crap talk about “why we cannot be friends we work together”. I thought at that point I was strong enough to react with no emotions (anger nor love).Then a crisis happened to him. He shared it with me and wanted me to be there for him. Then another crisis, again he came to me for help. Somewhere during this time we got intimate for the first time after the break up. This messed me up far worse than the original break up. The man asked me before he left my home if I thought he should tell his girlfriend but he thought that this would kill the girl because she loves him so much. It must be noted that this man can bring out the worse in me. I could not hold my tongue so I told him to stop giving me the responsibilities of his miss pure and perfect girlfriend. And I was done with people who are the worst kind of hypocrite—the one who cannot be real with themselves. And this has become a cycle. A few weeks of no contact and then we would run into each other and the cycle continues. Keep my distance, right? Yea. A friend of mine wisely said “those who knows it feels it”. This is not my excuse and believe you me I am dying to get out of this sick whatever this is. So much easier said than done. I have prayed for feelings to disappear I have prayed for days that we never run into each other. I have prayed that one of us leave the job. My head knows now that he just wants to be physical with me. He always claimed he is weak around me. My head knows now that this is a stupid mess that is hindering me from moving forward with my life. But my heart falls for the “why cant we be friends” line. The main problem with us according to him was us getting intimate (which is wrong according to our belief). Ikr. Smh. I wish he never said he still cared, or still had feelings for me, or that I knew him so well and how comfortable he is around me, or asked me if he has been replaced or act jealous if he see another man looking at me or talking to me, or seek me out just to ask my opinion or have a conversation with him and tell me how he miss my reasoning and my views on things. All of these used to make me hope than one day he would realize that he wanted me back but it only reached the point where he told me I am a great woman to have in someone’s (another man) life. That wishful thinking has changed. I saw a post on fb that hit me like a sucker punch. It said “when a man finds the woman he loves…your (referring to the other woman) charm, your beauty, your intelligence nor your sex cannot steal him away from that woman. Ouch! Being the other woman is very out of character for me. In my 30 years I have been in 2 relationships including this one Im talking about. The one before lasted for 10 years. Part of the conversation that I started my story with was the two of us saying that we are over. He actually told me he needs me to help him. That I should run from him if I see him coming and stop caring for him. Well my logical head is saying I would probably ask the same thing from the other woman if I am planning to get married to my girlfriend at the end of this year.
Zahara Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 (edited) So, the initial question was what would my reaction be if I got that message from a boyfriend's ex. I was all over the place. I have been in a situation where I have received an email from a woman stating that she was sleeping with my then boyfriend. I also questioned her intent (feeling concern for me -- BS) because if she was so concerned about my wellbeing then she would not have involved herself with him or at least have the courage to approach me first before choosing to sleep with him and not hide behind a screen after the fact. I also wondered if she was doing it because she was bitter and jealous. I also wondered if she was doing it to break us up so that she could have him. Subsequently, the relationship ended because it was tarnished and I couldn't deal with it. And he dabbled with her only to dump her for someone else. Edited April 8, 2014 by Zahara
Author smileforelena Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Those are the reasons exactly why I decided to post it here and let the urge to send it to the girlfriend pass. I will not lie and say I am over him but the desire to get back with him is fading. It is slowly sinking in that he probably did not love me and never will. And the fact that he can say it to my face, knowing that he will hurt me, that he loves her is telling that maybe he does. Whether its real or not is really no longer my business. I just need to let it out of my system. And I'm hoping that owning up to the wrong things I have done will force me to stop looking back and move forward. My hesitation to send it is because of all the questions you mentioned. I dont want to ruin their relationship. I just want to move forward with my life. But this is hanging on my head.
Zahara Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Some will tell you tell her that he cheated on her. Some will tell you to move on with your life. Personally, she'll find out in her own time. The truth always comes out. Your priority should be learning from it, staying away from it and moving forward with your life. You did it once before. You can do it again.
mammasita Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Personally, I'd want to know if my BF was a cheater. I get that your reasons for the letter might be selfish OP but as an outsider, or maybe even as the woman in the girfriends position, I'd want to know.
KaliLove Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Also remember this..if he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you. If you did get back together, what's stopping him from cheating on you with her, or with someone else? All in all, not a good guy. Not worth your time or his girlfriend's. But she does have a right to know. 2
Author smileforelena Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Thanks ya'll for your input. I need to reassess and be sure that my motive is not selfish if I do send that message to the gf.
sooshi Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I agree with those who said that if he cheated, then the girl deserves to know. Because if it happens once, it can happen again. If your intention is to help her be aware of this and to protect her from potentially suffering the same, then it seems all right.
Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Also remember this..if he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you. Lol it's sad how many people these days I have to say this to. A lot of my ex friends have slept with girls in relationships then tried to make a relationship out of them. I explain if they do it with you, they can do it to you, and likely will. And they did. Furthermore, my recent ex of 4 years left me for another guy randomly who I was friends with. I laugh deep down despite the pain and anger, because I know, he is going to get what he deserves too.
Author smileforelena Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Ouch! Got it! And I think this is why all this never went down well with me. Knowing that I'm involved in hurting a person without her even knowing about scares me about what I'm becoming capable of.
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