dbpullman Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Hi guys, I know the title of this thread doesn't sound like it would be too harsh, but here's the story... So, while out last Friday night with a girl I'm seeing and a group of friends something happened that really bothered me. I wanted to see what others on here thought. This girl and I have been seeing each other for just under 2 months. We hit it off right away and seem to really be into each other. We haven't had talks of exclusivity and are not labeled as a couple at the moment. While out at a bar, she and her friend went off to go check out the band that was playing there that night while I stayed around the bar to talk to my good buddy. At one point while I was talking to my friend I looked over and saw her peck a "gay" guy for literally a second on the lips. I say "gay" because I was not able to confirm it. She thought so and one of my friends described him as flaming. However, not knowing for sure myself bothered me. After it happened she could tell I was bothered by it and explained that she was wrong to do it and that she was sorry. She never tried to make excuses for it, but rather showed remorse for it (she was visibly upset) Now, I know I can't really consider this cheating. I'm not even that angry about the "kiss". The part that really bothered me was that she was willing to do that knowing I was around. Kind of makes me think what she is willing to do when I'm not around. Again, we hadn't had discussions about being exclusive so she technically wasn't "mine". We had a pretty lengthy discussion about why it bothered me and she understood. So, let me ask you guys. Is this a huge cause for concern? Or, am I reading into it too much into it? I know friends who went to college with her and say she's not normally like that and others tell me she's really into me (which I can tell, but something like this makes me question it). I'm normally very secure in my relationships with people, but I've had a few relationships with infidelity and it SUCKS! So, just trying to gain some perspective on things... Do I just let this go now that she knows how I feel about it? Thanks all!
Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Interesting question. I mean, even if I knew he was gay, it would kind of bother me still. It's just kind of weird. If the girl I was with pecked a random girl on the lips that she met, I would be equally turned off. (And before anyone says anything, that lesbian **** was for high school)
serial muse Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 How someone handles conflict is key. And it sounds like she did everything right: She apologized, didn't make excuses, listened to why it bothered you and acknowledged it. Furthermore, you yourself acknowledge that you don't consider it cheating, you haven't established exclusivity, and you're not even jealous because you think the guy was gay. You're just worried that she was disrespecting you. But her subsequent actions, IMO, indicate that that's very far from the case. I'd say the question now is whether you'll let it go, or whether you'll let others' poor actions from your past color the current situation. Again, conflict resolution is key. She addressed your concerns. So what now? Why haven't you established exclusivity, anyway? Sounds like you're both into each other. What's the holdup? 2
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Odd behavior by her. Why would she do it in the first place? Would she be cool with you kissing a random lesbian on the lips?
serial muse Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I'm a cheek-kisser, so I've always found it a bit odd -- but some people do peck other people on the mouths in a friendly way. I've had a couple of friends who do that, completely closed mouth, just a peck, totally nonsexual. Just saying. 1
soccerrprp Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 (edited) I'm a cheek-kisser, so I've always found it a bit odd -- but some people do peck other people on the mouths in a friendly way. I've had a couple of friends who do that, completely closed mouth, just a peck, totally nonsexual. Just saying. I'm with serial muse, I'm a cheek kisser with all my friends, family and with some, quick pecks on the lips. I would say she handled herself well after the fact and you seem to think she was genuinely apologetic. I wouldn't sweat it. Does she greet any other friends like this? They must be really good friends. Edited April 8, 2014 by soccerrprp
Author dbpullman Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 You're just worried that she was disrespecting you. But her subsequent actions, IMO, indicate that that's very far from the case. I think you hit the nail on the head. I was more upset because I sort of felt "slapped in the face". She knows and understands this after explaining it to her. I'd say the question now is whether you'll let it go, or whether you'll let others' poor actions from your past color the current situation. Again, conflict resolution is key. She addressed your concerns. So what now? Now? I either let it go, or I hold it against her. She's wonderful otherwise! I'm usually not one to let my past get in my way. Each person and situation is different. But, I haven't had a relationship with someone who has cheated on me in a long time. So it concerned me. Why haven't you established exclusivity, anyway? Sounds like you're both into each other. What's the holdup ? Honestly, not really sure. I think we've both been enjoying it all so much that it wasn't something that has come up yet (it's been about 1.75 months). I'd say after this incident it's become clear.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Since she apologized I wouldn't hold it against her. As long as people learn from their mistakes, have genuine remorse, and don't eff up again, then you should be at peace.
Babolat Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I'm with serial muse, I'm a cheek kisser with all my friends, family and with some, quick pecks on the lips. I would say she handled herself well after the fact and you seem to think she was genuinely apologetic. I wouldn't sweat it. Does she greet any other friends like this? They must be really good friends. Agreed, but, is she a cheek\lips pecker? Was this behavior established prior to this kiss? The randomness would bother me, some man she just met, allegedly assesed as "gay", therefore it was Okay to give him a quick peck. Where IS the boundary if this is not a normal behavior for her? Only gay men?
Author dbpullman Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Since she apologized I wouldn't hold it against her. As long as people learn from their mistakes, have genuine remorse, and don't eff up again, then you should be at peace. It's becoming clear she feels awful about it. I genuinely don't believe it was meant to be malicious and in her eyes maybe it seemed harmless to just peck a gay guy on the lips (I've known plenty of girls who've done this, I just wasn't involved with them lol). Just freaked me out a bit. Don't want to be putting myself out there just to get burned...
Author dbpullman Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Agreed, but, is she a cheek\lips pecker? Was this behavior established prior to this kiss? The randomness would bother me, some man she just met, allegedly assesed as "gay", therefore it was Okay to give him a quick peck. Where IS the boundary if this is not a normal behavior for her? Only gay men? The randomness is my main concern. I guess I don't know enough about her to say "she always pecks people on the cheek/lips". If she is like that, I hadn't know yet. She definitely feels sorry about it. She told me the other day she wouldn't go to a concert this Friday if it made me feel uncomfortable. I can't tell her no, nor do I want to tell her no. It's not my place. But, maybe it's the though that counts?
Arieswoman Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 db, you said We haven't had talks of exclusivity and are not labeled as a couple at the moment. so what's the problem ?? 1
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I found her behavior entirely innocent & your reaction over the top. My point is further heightened by the fact that you were not exclusive so technically she's free to do whatever. She handled the situation far more gracefully than I would have. Since you concede that her apology & concern for your feelings were sincere, I think you need to work on getting over it. Especially since she seems willing to alter her behavior & become the "cheek" kisser, what would be your problem in putting this behind you? 1
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I found her behavior entirely innocent & your reaction over the top. My point is further heightened by the fact that you were not exclusive so technically she's free to do whatever. She handled the situation far more gracefully than I would have. Since you concede that her apology & concern for your feelings were sincere, I think you need to work on getting over it. Especially since she seems willing to alter her behavior & become the "cheek" kisser, what would be your problem in putting this behind you? ^True. I overlooked the non-exclusivity thing. TS really shouldn't get upset even if she banged that gay guy. If you aren't official then you can't be complaining.
ctxinfl Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Does the "exclusive" thing even matter in this situation? So what if they haven't talked exclusive. They were on a date. Why does not being exclusive make it OK for her to kiss someone else while on a date with the OP? 3
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Does the "exclusive" thing even matter in this situation? So what if they haven't talked exclusive. They were on a date. Why does not being exclusive make it OK for her to kiss someone else while on a date with the OP? She kissed somebody in greeting. She didn't make out with him. I kissed at least a half dozen people hello, some on the lips, the last time I went out with my husband. I certainly didn't break my marital vows. The more important point here is that once the OP expressed his displeasure, his date apologized & said she would not use a kiss as greeting in the future.
ctxinfl Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 She kissed somebody in greeting. She didn't make out with him. I kissed at least a half dozen people hello, some on the lips, the last time I went out with my husband. I certainly didn't break my marital vows. The more important point here is that once the OP expressed his displeasure, his date apologized & said she would not use a kiss as greeting in the future. I get that, though it seemed that there were a couple of suggestions that since the two haven't discussed being exclusive that she's free to do whatever she wants, even while on a date with the OP. My point is further heightened by the fact that you were not exclusive so technically she's free to do whatever. TS really shouldn't get upset even if she banged that gay guy. If you aren't official then you can't be complaining.
Author dbpullman Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Does the "exclusive" thing even matter in this situation? So what if they haven't talked exclusive. They were on a date. Why does not being exclusive make it OK for her to kiss someone else while on a date with the OP? This is why I feel disrespected. I was there with her, she invited me and some friends along. I may not have been with her that very moment, but I don't think that gives someone the freedom to just do what they want. The disrespect I can get over. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels. We either move past it, or let it destroy the wonderful bond we've developed over the last 1.5 months...I think I'll take the former and see what happens now that she knows how I feel about it. Thanks for all the insight! I confuse myself sometimes
CarrieT Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 My goodness you people are over-reacting! Some of us women are major "peckers." I peck everybody; girlfriends, gayfriends, kids, friends. I just thank goodness I am with a man who is not remotely threatened by my overtly affectionate ways with friends. There is nothing sexual about it. 1
Valen Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 My goodness you people are over-reacting! Some of us women are major "peckers." I peck everybody; girlfriends, gayfriends, kids, friends. I just thank goodness I am with a man who is not remotely threatened by my overtly affectionate ways with friends. There is nothing sexual about it. So you are going to become one of those grandmas that wants to kiss everyone on the lips. EWWWWW gross.
InnocentMan Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 The fact that this dude may, or may not be gay is completely irrelevant. Kissing on the lips is for your romantic partner only. You get enough germs when kissing your partner, why invite a bunch of randoms germs in also? All the people that say it's perfectly normal are just asking for a lifetime of cold sores. Even the French don't kiss on the lips, and they literally kiss everyone they meet. You did the right thing making a semi big deal of it. At least she now knows your limits, and if she does it again, you can dump her with a clear conscience. Anyone that's grown up thinking this is normal behaviour, needs to have a word with their parents. 1
CarrieT Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 So you are going to become one of those grandmas that wants to kiss everyone on the lips. EWWWWW gross. Nooooo.... Just those people whom I have been kissing my entire life and will continue to kiss. Not "everyone." Sheeesh. Another over-reaction, don't-cha-think?!?!
InnocentMan Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Nooooo.... Just those people whom I have been kissing my entire life and will continue to kiss. Not "everyone." Sheeesh. Another over-reaction, don't-cha-think?!?! You really shouldn't be kissing children on the lips, including your own if you have any. This is how many people end with the herpes virus for life, especially if you're kissing a ton of other people also. Carry on your behaviour with other adults if you must, but don't be kissing children on the lips when they are unaware of the risks. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 You weren't exclusive, he was a friend, end of story. Some people in the US kiss on the lips, it is a cultural thing. I dont do it and feel completely uncomfortable with it, but women do it often and sometimes with members of the opposite sex. Thank the Gods I am too tall for most women to reach. Yes, you are overreacting IMO but she gave you the remorse you needed to assuage your ego so get over it. If you want exclusivity, ask for it, Grumps
Recommended Posts