happyhunter9 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Hello people I am usually not one to ask the internet for help...but I am desperate here.. I think I am losing somebody I love dearly. We've been dating about a year and 4 months now, and We've been very happy. This past week, I've felt that she has been cold to me, and I told her and she said on that note, i've been thinking... she said; I didn't know it when we were IN it, but when you talked about marriaage and stuff as if it was such a matter-of-fact thing, it really pressured me. I felt very suffocated. I didn't know what was so hard and so difficult while it was happening, but when the last semester ended (2 weeks ago) i realized itw as extremely hard for me. Also you worry so much about our future, and you have your expectations of what you want from me, you want me to stay in america... I tried to explain: The only reason I thought down that road (marriage) is because I thought you wanted to as well. I thought it made you smile and happy, but if I knew even a little that it wasn't something you wanted to talk about I would've never thought down that road. And as for the worrying, I realized after the semester that I was being extremely selfish and that I pressured you by something stupid that I was going through. I'm really sorry babe... She kept saying: I just don't know...babe. We went home side-by-side in complete silence... and then I said "look, do you at least believe that I am very sorry?" and she said nothing. I told her she doesn't need to answer... and she says "i just don't know babe." We got to our seperate homes and she said "I know things are complicated here, but If you don't mind can we keep things the way they are? I think it will be easier to sort things out that way." I said again sorry and why I felt those things and said if she feels that's a good idea, i'm down. But i also said if she needs space I'm 100% willing to give her as much as she needs. She didn't respond to my explanation or apology, and also she says it's okay, she doesn't need or want space?? So now we walk to school together as she wants to (we live in a city) and I said after the first day after that talk, Babe, by sorting things out, do you mean how we're gonna work it out? or whether or not you want to stay with me?.. She said "why are you thinking that?" and then she says "Babe it frustrates me that you ask that...I haven't even started this thought process properly myself, please let me do that myself. You are indirectly putting your own parameters on this discussion by asking me that." I apologized and said i'd let her do all the thinking and that I'd respect that it is entirely her own. Now, she and I are talking still, and we still see each other. I don't feel as loved anymore, and I am extremely confused. She is still planning vacations with me, (we have one in two days that we planned weeks ago) and she still calls me babe... I did my best for now to explain to her that I am not obsessed with the future, but she kept telling me that she doesn't know and that she needs to think about it on her own. She is confusing me because she is still seeing me, she doesn't seem to want to stop talking to me, and she still calls me babe, and she is still going on vacations with me, but refuses to talk about the relationship for now. She says she doesn't even know if she can finish thinking about it during our semester. What do I do ? I love this girl so much...we've had such a happy year and almost a half together. She has repeteadly told me she can't imagine life without me, that she loves me no matter what, and we've had such intimate and deep connections... but I feel that I am losing her. Is there anything I can do? Is it basically over? Please help, my heart is breaking every day...
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 It's tough to follow your post, but... GIVE HER SPACE...stop talking about the future, stop talking about the conversation you had. She said she isn't leaving you, she still uses a term of affection. It sounds like you are getting clingy and might be in a different spot than she is. I'd also avoid saying, "I'll give you all the space you need." - to me, that always sounds desperate last attempt to keep her. Just go back to how you were/acted prior to that conversation - that's the best you can do. If you continue to discuss the future or how she feels or worry about what your relationship is - I guarantee you will drive her away. Put it this way - maybe she might be thinking about leaving, maybe not - but any further discussion WILL NOT HELP..and will hurt your relationship. Live in the moment and enjoy what you have. But, don't change to be more clingly or show you are super boyfriend..be who you are... 1
Author happyhunter9 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 Your response makes so much sense...thank you... Is there any hope?
Smilecharmer Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 So sorry you are hurting. Yes, just pull back and remember that you have everything you really need within yourself. If she stays, great, but if she goes, you will be okay. It sounded to me as though she was feeling pressured to be more serious than she feels comfortable with. Be kind to yourself. Don't put all your hopes into someone who is less invested in you than you are in her.
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Is there hope? Sure there is hope? How much - I don't know. No one on the forums can give you that answer. As one who has asked for advice here, I've realized you can never provide all the contexts and sufficient information. Nor can you really articulate clearly the interactions. So is there hope? Yes. She still hanging out with you, spending time with you. You have a vacation with her in the next day or so - it's your job to be the best boyfriend you can be. But here's what that means and doesn't mean: 1) Having relationship conversations 2) Being overly clingly to her 3) Being worried all the time 4) Act as you ALWAYS have prior to the last couple of weeks. If you are romantic then keep being romantic. If you haven't been, don't start 5) Remember what had drawn you two together. After a year and a half, some of that becomes second nature - remind yourself and her (through actions) of why you guys are together 6) Do something exciting and unique so that trip and your time together is memorable 7) Live in the moment - not in the future or the past. Don't worry about whether she'll be here tomorrow or wishing it was like it used to be. Live in the now. Life is about memories - it truly is. The better the memories the more the truth 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' becomes. I should be the last one to say this, because I'm notorious for over-analyzing (go read my last post I wrote...if you want to see how much). BUT - having said that, I know when someone else is and I definitely know how that over-analyzing can affect a relationship. The truth is you two are in different places. Doesn't mean she won't get to where you are, but may take time. Be patient. You've demonstrated you are open for something more. No more talking or persuading will work now. If you are just you, she'll eventually come around if she cares about you that much. If she doesn't, you don't want to force it anyway. That's hard to say an accept - since that might mean losing something you desparately want (trust me I can related). But I can also tell you, over the long-run, being with someone you force/trick into a relationship will make you miserable. So, is there hope? Yes. Will it work out - who knows. But be who you've always been, that will be the best way to get what you want.
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