dudeguy56 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 I've liked this girl since January. She's a blast to hang out with, I mean I have more fun with her than anyone else. However, I'm an introvert. I barely hanged out with people on my free time prior to meeting her. Either way, when we do hang out it's most often with a mutual friend. Since that start I've been suspicious of him liking her or the other way around. Any paranoid and jealous person with a crush would, right? I told him last week what I felt for her and he assured me he didn't feel the same. I even made him promise to tell me if he did feel the same so that I'll be prepared for it. (I don't want to get in the way but I want to prepare myself for the potential situation.) Anyway, at this point I don't know what she feels for him. Last friday we slept over at her place. He's super social. I mean super duper social and everybody loves him. Kind of like the opposite of me. I was pretty torn up that friday because they decided they'd take ballet classes next term in front of me and she also mentioned how her whole family liked him. (As said, everybody likes him.) I know what you're thinking, the fact that he wants to go to ballet with her might mean he DOES have feelings for her. Trust me, he doesn't. He made that very clear and he is supportive of me. He's just an extrovert and such activities aren't a problem for him. Now, I understand she doesn't feel the same. I'm not a hundred percent sure but almost. The thing is, I want to continue being her friend. She's great, however I feel I might have difficulties with that unless I am honest and tell her how I feel so we can move past it. The problem I've encountered is that it might not go too well. And it might effect her negatively as well. I had planned to tell her in three weeks when we're watching American Beauty together at her grandmas apartment that'll be empty. After the movie or something. I'd say something like "I don't want this to come between us but I like you. I understand that you might not feel the same and that's fine but I want to remain friends. If that's possible?" Not word by word obviously, but something like it? I know that alterations are probably required if I'm going to say anything at all but I'm really bad at this. How would you react if a friend told you this? Anyways, I've narrowed the alternatives down to this: Tell her, she'll feel uncomfortable and will try distancing herself from me. Might still be friends but it won't be the same. Tell her, she feels uncomfortable and distances herself to the point of the friendship ending. Tell her, she'll understand my feelings and not feel as uncomfortable with me. Still friends like before. Tell her, she feels the same. (I don't think this is even remotely possible but add it as an alternative just in case.) I've done as much "research" as I could and judging by a lot of people who confessed their feelings to their friend that didn't feel the same. They felt happy they said something even if the friendship didn't last because of it. Don't tell her. Bottle up my feelings and feel moderately uncomfortable with around her. However she doesn't feel uncomfortable and doesn't need to know. Don't tell her but distance myself from her more. I don't know how that'd be possible though. If we look over the fact that I don't even want to distance myself from her I couldn't even if I wanted to. On an emotional level we are like friends. We don't go into any deep topics or anything. As for hanging out, I can't not do that. We have plenty of events planned for the future I can't really cancel them. (Any other alternatives?…) SORRY FOR BLOCK OF TEXT, JUST LOTS ON MY MIND RIGHT NOW.
Standard-Fare Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Your approach is all wrong. This thing about the confession in grandma's empty apartment sounds terrible. I'm being blunt because you need to hear this. If you like her, start trying to flirt with her. Try to hang out with her without your third-party friend. If that all goes well, lead up to some mild affection (like, putting your hand on her back for a second.) If she's receptive, who knows, maybe you'll have a chance to kiss her eventually. It sounds like this will all be a long process, but this is the path you have to take. Dropping the bomb on her that you like her (and couching it with "I know you probably don't like me, too" and "Can we still be friends?") is just really awkward and heavy. I hope other people can come in here to back me up and help this guy! 3
Author dudeguy56 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Your approach is all wrong. This thing about the confession in grandma's empty apartment sounds terrible. I'm being blunt because you need to hear this. If you like her, start trying to flirt with her. Try to hang out with her without your third-party friend. If that all goes well, lead up to some mild affection (like, putting your hand on her back for a second.) If she's receptive, who knows, maybe you'll have a chance to kiss her eventually. It sounds like this will all be a long process, but this is the path you have to take. Dropping the bomb on her that you like her (and couching it with "I know you probably don't like me, too" and "Can we still be friends?") is just really awkward and heavy. I hope other people can come in here to back me up and help this guy! Hmm, I get what you're saying. The thing is, I'm an introvert and known her for five months. Not only wouldn't I be able to "flirt" because it's not me. She knows who I am, she knows how I am. I'm WAY too shy. Sure, that's my fault because that's how dating works but I can't not speak the truth. Say I'm convinced she doesn't feel the same but I want to stay being friends. How can I approach this without bottling up a bunch of feelings and being affected negatively by it? It's not easy and I understand that but surely there must be something I can do?
Standard-Fare Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Hiding behind that excuse of "I'm an introvert" will get you nowhere. Flirting (even if it's in your own shy style) and showing interest are mandatory if you want someone to know you like them, and to like you back. Even if you feel it's "not you," these are life skills you've gotta learn. You don't have to become some suave pickup artist, you don't have to compromise who you are, but you DO have to develop some confidence to go after what you want. Otherwise you're going to be standing in the shadows, just quietly nursing painful unrequited crushes forever. 1
Author dudeguy56 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 Hiding behind that excuse of "I'm an introvert" will get you nowhere. Flirting (even if it's in your own shy style) and showing interest are mandatory if you want someone to know you like them, and to like you back. Even if you feel it's "not you," these are life skills you've gotta learn. You don't have to become some suave pickup artist, you don't have to compromise who you are, but you DO have to develop some confidence to go after what you want. Otherwise you're going to be standing in the shadows, just quietly nursing painful unrequited crushes forever. Alright, I suppose I get that but it's now been five months. I'm convinced she doesn't feel the same. What am I to do in this situation. Flirting or asking her out is too late, she does not feel the same. It's my problem to deal with but I don't know how. I thought telling her would help me but I suppose I'm told it wont. It'll only make it harder on her and our friendship. That's what's important to me now but I don't know what to do about it.
Survivor12 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Well, if you're sure that she isn't interested, the best thing you can do for yourself is to distance yourself. Being too close will only feed your crush & make it harder for you to get over it. If you aren't sure, do what the others have suggested and flirt with her or if you aren't comfortable with that, just ask her out on a date. (Be sure to use the word date). So, basically, you've got three options: -Keep your crush to yourself & suffer in silence (not really knowing how she feels) -Let her know you're interested by flirting or asking her out on a date. -Assume that she is not interested and put some distance between you to get over your crush & perhaps re-engaging in the friendship later when you have.
Chocolat Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Say I'm convinced she doesn't feel the same but I want to stay being friends. How can I approach this without bottling up a bunch of feelings and being affected negatively by it? It's not easy and I understand that but surely there must be something I can do? Ugh, this smacks of defeatism which is so unattractive. Listen to the advice Standard Fare gave you. If you absolutely cannot to that, then do nothing. If you are totally convinced she doesn't like you, then what is the point of making this confession, especially in the way you've laid it out?
Standard-Fare Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 So, basically, you've got three options: -Keep your crush to yourself & suffer in silence (not really knowing how she feels) -Let her know you're interested by flirting or asking her out on a date. -Assume that she is not interested and put some distance between you to get over your crush & perhaps re-engaging in the friendship later when you have. Totally agree with the three options Survivor12 laid out. But you're already doing Option 1, and apparently not happy like that, so you need to consider Options 2 and 3. Keep in mind that BOTH of these options could involve distancing yourself from this girl. But Option 2, although it's a risk, at least allows for the possibility of something positive happening between you and her. Also, as an aside, I don't really get your "it's been five months already" line. So? What was she supposed to do during this time? It sounds like you're showing her zero signs that you're interested/attracted, so do you really expect her to make a move on you or something?
Elias33 Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Start flirtingTell her/kiss her Or get friend-zoned. Which may sound as a viable alternative to rejection, but I can assure you, that will be torture. The longer you wait, the farther you get from her.
Jethro Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 You are best off forgetting this altogether. 5 months... cripes man, in the future, if you like someone, make a freaking move sooner. A confident move! Not one like "I know you don't feel the same way, but uhhhhhhhh... I like you." After 5 months it's going to be creepy and weird and needy and... just don't. Unless you really want to ruin the friendship. See the thing is, if you make some sort of effort early to avoid the friend-zone, you can still develop a friendship after. But 5 months it's just going to be weird.
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