Mechanics of Considering Race when Dating

[Kaiten]

I must admit I am rather curious about this.

 

I happen to be an african-american male living in the southern region of the United States. Over the years, I have noticed that race is a big deal when it comes to looking for a potential mate.

 

If you are the type of person who, under no circumstances, dates outside their race, then I would like to discuss what makes that such a strong principle for your life.

 

Quick aside: I have noticed that people often say, "I've got no problem with interracial couples. I just don't do it."

 

Can anyone explain this?

[kaylan]

There are a few reasons why someone might not date outside their race;

 

1. Racist feelings towards people outside of their race.

2. More attraction for people of their own race.

3. Cultural preference for someone of a similar background

4. Seeing potential partners of their own race as of a particular status.

5.Social pressure stops them for indulging in any attractions they may have for people outside of their race.

 

This all said, Leave the south OP. The northeast and west coasts will serve you much better.

Edited April 8, 2014 by kaylan

[gaius]

I'll admit I've found myself wildly attracted to black women but the idea of having children that are mixed is something that bothers me on some level. I don't know why. I guess it's just not the image I have for myself. They wouldn't be accepted in my family. The scene from the Sopranos where AJ makes a total douche out of himself taking his girlfriends kid to the puerto rican day parade and waving the flag keeps popping into my head.

[Thegreatestthing]

It's usually just that I can't get sexually attracted to them.nothing more.

 

I don't date regular Western European white guys,black guys,Italian,Middle Eastern guys,Asian guys etc etc I can talk to them like them etc but can't get attracted to them, the only guys that do that for me are ones that look sort of Eurasian or really Eastern European.

I don't think anyone chooses it I know there are plenty of guys who I'm just not their type either.

[Emilia]

I date outside my race but I don't date men who have very different cultural values from mine, if that makes sense. I think a lot of it is down to ethnicity rather than race.

[Haydn]

Push the genes apart! I date outside my called race often, never a problem my daughter is mixed heritage, never an issue. People are people.

[saltyfishhead666]

To the person who said they couldn't imagine having a mixed race baby - you should rethink that. They are bloody adorable and having a child that is not completely black or white means nothing they are still your child.

 

I have dated 1 black man (had a daughter with him whose now 2) he happened to be a horrible horrible person but that wasn't because he was black.

 

I don't date people from countries we are at war with - simply because I come from a military family and not only would it not go down well they are also likely to hold resentment for those wars.

 

Also wouldn't date anyone of Pakistani or Indian race. Simply because they tend to have strong religious views that I do not have, and I don't want to convert from no religion to one I don't believe in.

[gaius]

To the person who said they couldn't imagine having a mixed race baby - you should rethink that. They are bloody adorable and having a child that is not completely black or white means nothing they are still your child.

 

I have dated 1 black man (had a daughter with him whose now 2) he happened to be a horrible horrible person but that wasn't because he was black.

Black women share a lot in common with Italian women. They're often strong, opinionated, pig-headed and don't put up with my nonsense. As sexy as you can get. Certainly don't think they're horrible people.

 

As long as we're having an honest conversation, there are still plenty of people and places that will look down on you for being mixed. Make judgements. And I'm not sure I can say with certainty that will be gone in 20 years. I think I'd like to impart every advantage I can to my kid if I ever had one. And a strong cultural heritage if I can. Greatest illustrated some of the reasons that's important in her post.

 

I'm certainly not saying anyone with mixed kids did anything wrong. That's just what's in my head for whatever reason.

[saltyfishhead666]

Black women share a lot in common with Italian women. They're often strong, opinionated, pig-headed and don't put up with my nonsense. As sexy as you can get. Certainly don't think they're horrible people.

 

As long as we're having an honest conversation, there are still plenty of people and places that will look down on you for being mixed. Make judgements. And I'm not sure I can say with certainty that will be gone in 20 years. I think I'd like to impart every advantage I can to my kid if I ever had one. And a strong cultural heritage if I can. Greatest illustrated some of the reasons that's important in her post.

 

I'm certainly not saying anyone with mixed kids did anything wrong. That's just what's in my head for whatever reason.

 

 

Who knows oneday that view very well may change if a girl can put you back in your box that's an extremely good quality - now where can I find a bloke that can put me in mind? Lol

[iiiii]

 

There are a few reasons why someone might not date outside their race;

 

1. Racist feelings towards people outside of their race.

2. More attraction for people of their own race.

3. Cultural preference for someone of a similar background

4. Seeing potential partners of their own race as of a particular status.

5.Social pressure stops them for indulging in any attractions they may have for people outside of their race.

 

Another can just be life experiences.

 

True story - the only time I've ever been in serious fear of rape, it was with an indian guy. I've had a few more creepy encounters with indian guys through my lifetime. And as a result, I can't picture dating an indian guy. It might not be fair, because I'm sure there are a lot of lovely indian guys out there, but it's my emotional reaction to indian-looking guys: I'm creeped out rather than turned on.

 

Would have no problem dating guys of other races if I happened to find the individual attractive.

[Kaiten]

I probably should leave the south. Or at least move to a melting pot city. I have been wondering this for a while now. I always thought what goes through a person's head.

 

Whether it was social standing, family acceptance or whatever. These comments reveal quite a bit to me. Thank you all.

[Emilia]

I probably should leave the south. Or at least move to a melting pot city. I have been wondering this for a while now. I always thought what goes through a person's head.

 

Whether it was social standing, family acceptance or whatever. These comments reveal quite a bit to me. Thank you all.

I live in London. I can't speak for the US but in the UK living in a big city makes a huge difference. It's very liberal.

[hackney]

I am south Asian in heritage and lived in many places. London I agree is a very liberal place. NYC, too. Toronto. There are many places.

 

 

Boston is interesting. It is a fairly segregated city in some ways. The 'locals' tend to stay among their 'kind'. For no particular reason, I tend to go out with white women. My last gf, we were in a line at a club, and she was disappointed because there were too many "blacks and latinos" in the line. She said that out loud. I was horrified. That is very typical of Boston 'local types'. She is from a more working class background but the local 'establishment' types are similar too. I am a transplant, and transplants generally don't mix with the locals very much. Sad to say.

[Biscous]

Interesting thread. black male here also OP. I struggle with the same questions because I mover to Texas over two years ago. I've lived in the south as well as the east coast.

 

I've asked myself the same thing since I consider myself successful in my career, people have stated that they find me attractive (I've has women approach me), very intellectual and masculine yet I feel I'm marginally successful with women since I tend to be attracted to women outside my race and simply around more women outside my race. It is frustrating because I will get passed over by other men and the only reason is I can come to the conclusion is that I'm a black male. I think you understand how ego killing that can be.

 

I'm not sure if it comes down to preference and physical attraction or "preference" meaning deep seeded racism towards a certain race.

 

I can understand physical attraction though. I'm in a city where there is a large Mexican population and I will say that I'm not physically attracted to most Mexican women and their features, but some I would date and have but that's far and few.

 

I'm planning on moving this year to greener pastures.

[Biscous]

I am south Asian in heritage and lived in many places. London I agree is a very liberal place. NYC, too. Toronto. There are many places.

 

 

Boston is interesting. It is a fairly segregated city in some ways. The 'locals' tend to stay among their 'kind'. For no particular reason, I tend to go out with white women. My last gf, we were in a line at a club, and she was disappointed because there were too many "blacks and latinos" in the line. She said that out loud. I was horrified. That is very typical of Boston 'local types'. She is from a more working class background but the local 'establishment' types are similar too. I am a transplant, and transplants generally don't mix with the locals very much. Sad to say.

 

I've heard Boston is pretty racially segregated. A lot of second generation Irish and Italians. Despite it being a large college town, which would lead you to think it is liberal, it isn't liberal when it comes to race.

 

I considered moving there for my line of work - technology - but knowing this I wouldn't move there.

[Babolat]

White male here, and for me the answer is attraction. I am not attracted to Asian, Indian or African American woman. I find them attractive, though I am not attracted to them. When I first did online dating 2+ year ago, a buddy of mine said something like "you have to try an Asian". Prior, I had filtered them from my search list. So, I met 2 Asian woman. They were very attractive, good conversation, I simply was not, attracted to them physically.

 

One of my nephews has had two kids with an african american woman. It's my brothers son. My brother intially talked about, in a racist sense, so did my dad, and it really bothered me. They showed a preference to their other grand children, which I thought, was wrong. They have both come around now as the kids have gotten older, but I still sense a bit of uncomfortableness from them about it.

[hackney]

Three LTRs (caucasian women, where I am a south asian guy) and some other smaller 'dates'.... each one of them had never considered going out with someone non-while. I would NEVER have met them online (especially the three LTRs), because they only searched on "white".

 

 

Dark-skinned males statistically have a harder time online dating. It's statistically true.

 

 

One reason why I don't bother online dating.

[TXGuy]

I generally date outside of my race (I'm white). The biggest draw to dating within my race is that any sons I have in the future would tend to look more like me. I would not mind if daughters looked much more like their mom than me. While it isn't a huge priority for me, I think it is for a lot of guys (most would not admit it publicly, for fear of PC backlash).

 

I've found using race (culture is probably more accurate, but race is often a decent proxy) as a search criteria extremely effective. I can find the traits I am looking for in noticeable higher percentages among certain races than others. Since I am a guy and socially expected to put in most of the efforts of the chase, it simply is a rational decision to use criteria that experience has show gives me a higher chance of finding what I am looking for. That is not to say I wouldn't date other races, I might. I just won't put much effort into it.

[Babolat]

any sons I have in the future would tend to look more like me. While it isn't a huge priority for me, I think it is for a lot of guys (most would not admit it publicly, for fear of PC backlash).

 

Off topic here, are you suggesting, I as a man, when seeking someone to mate with, will do so based on what, my sons will look like? I have never had kids, and never once thought about "what will they look like" when dating a potential partner. Interesting comment/observation.

[ThaWholigan]

I'm a black guy, and I do consider race if only because some parts of family are pro-black and prefer me to date within my own race.

 

Otherwise, I'm attracted to all races of women so I can go for any race I want.

[gaius]

Who knows oneday that view very well may change if a girl can put you back in your box that's an extremely good quality - now where can I find a bloke that can put me in mind? Lol

Probably not in the UK from what I've heard. That the men over there are generally more of the passive type. Can't recall ever getting into a fight with a brit male here. The women are a different story though.

[janedoe67]

There are a few reasons why someone might not date outside their race;

 

1. Racist feelings towards people outside of their race.

2. More attraction for people of their own race.

3. Cultural preference for someone of a similar background

4. Seeing potential partners of their own race as of a particular status.

5.Social pressure stops them for indulging in any attractions they may have for people outside of their race.

 

This all said, Leave the south OP. The northeast and west coasts will serve you much better.

I'm sitting in my southern walgreens and 2 very happy looking interracial couples are also waiting. I see it all the time. One of my children dates ouside our race. It's 2014; quit assuming the south is all racist and read some data.

[TXGuy]

Off topic here, are you suggesting, I as a man, when seeking someone to mate with, will do so based on what, my sons will look like? I have never had kids, and never once thought about "what will they look like" when dating a potential partner. Interesting comment/observation.

 

I'm not suggesting anything about how you think or feel. I'm stating what I think (as mentioned, not a top priority for me). I've had this discussion over the years with my guy drinking buddies (likely to tell me the uncensored version) who felt similarly (to varying degrees). The sample size, while small, ran the gamut from 'some college' to multiple advanced degrees.

 

I think it is perfectly natural to default to that thinking on some level. Consider the Disney movie Lady and the Tramp. When they eventually had puppies, the girl puppies looked like Lady and the boy puppies looked like Tramp (or whatever his name was).

 

Whenever I daydream about playing catch with my non existent 4 year old, he looks like me in my childhood pics. I know that wont be the case if I marry a woman of another race and that doesn't bother me. But I could see how it might bother some people.

Edited April 8, 2014 by TXGuy

[Kaiten]

It's 2014; quit assuming the south is all racist and read some data.

 

You misunderstand. I've been living in the south the past 10 years. I seen some ****.

 

I'm not even going so far as to say that the south is all racist. I'm saying that this whole, "I refuse to date outside my race under any circumstances" thing was borne of racist ideals.

 

I've heard many a [white] girl say that her family (the father in particular) saying that they would not tolerate their dating a black male.

[FitChick]

There are plenty of attractive, educated professional women who are black and have a very difficult time finding a black man at their level. Attractive, educated professional black men can take their pick.