Just broke NC.....

[gettingstronger]

Hang tough- I have to say you sound much stronger- much more in the now and not so wounded lately- thats a good thing-

"they" say (I have no idea who they are) that it takes a marriage 2-5 years to recover from infidelity-perhaps its similar for an OW- not that I am saying you are going to feel this way for 2 years, I am just saying-there are 3 sides to the triangle-I would imagine each side regardless of outcome takes a long time to heal-

 

As always, be gentle and kind to you and be a little stronger tomorrow than you are today

 

Cheers to you!

[Mickey1982]

Hang tough- I have to say you sound much stronger- much more in the now and not so wounded lately- thats a good thing-

"they" say (I have no idea who they are) that it takes a marriage 2-5 years to recover from infidelity-perhaps its similar for an OW- not that I am saying you are going to feel this way for 2 years, I am just saying-there are 3 sides to the triangle-I would imagine each side regardless of outcome takes a long time to heal-

 

As always, be gentle and kind to you and be a little stronger tomorrow than you are today

 

Cheers to you!

 

It does get easier, gettingstronger, but it is a very slow process. It's almost like a slow dripping faucet trying to fill a glass---it is taking a long time.

 

I just will NEVER understand why it has been the MOST painful experience EVER---I know it ended with us in a state of 'love', but I still will NEVER be able to quite get my head around why this has been the most gut wrenching feeling in my lifetime.

[Patna]

Has he tried to contact you again... I was actually feeling the urge to reach out but so glad I deleted his # so I can't even if I wanted to... I'm too lazy to search for it too.

 

He had watsapp me on Thursday and Friday and I didn't reply, but nevertheless, his messages kept appearing in my mind. But it gotten easier not to reply now I'll just picture in my mind that he would tell me about his family and about his newborn baby, and the thought just freaked me out from responding to him

[Patna]

I'm still on the merry-go-round of good times. I need to get on the roller coaster of the ups and downs---the way he treated me at the end. Rick Fox told me in a post to remember his actions at the end beacuse they matter the most. HE CHOSE HER and that's what I have to remember as hard as that is to still accept---I always felt his was MINE---HE made me feel that way...but, I NEVER was..

 

Hugs Mickey. My friend told me before that even though we are on a roller coaster, remember that the crying gets lesser now. From crying everyday, the intervals where we didn't cry between the days get longer as times goes by. Eventually, we'll have more good days than bad days.

 

Rick Fox is right. What gave me strength the last few weeks was I saw how he treated me after Dday. I was in denial at first. I can never understand how someone who shared such a past could treat me so differently in just a matter of weeks. But after finally accepting the truth (and the truth hurts, ouch!), I finally could pick myself up for myself. They just aren't worth our tears.

[Hope Shimmers]

It does get easier, gettingstronger, but it is a very slow process. It's almost like a slow dripping faucet trying to fill a glass---it is taking a long time.

 

I just will NEVER understand why it has been the MOST painful experience EVER---I know it ended with us in a state of 'love', but I still will NEVER be able to quite get my head around why this has been the most gut wrenching feeling in my lifetime.

 

Hey Mickey

 

I tried to describe my opinion on this in my long post today over on the other forum on that endless thread, but it's really hard to put into words. Certainly it is the loss of the person in your life, but it's much more than that too - because of the way it ended, you are left feeling like you lost yourself, for lack of a better way of saying it. You put all your trust and love in this person and you believed he would not hurt you, then literally in the space of a day he is gone "fixing his marriage"... the way I felt was that I lost myself, or my trust in myself, if that makes sense. It is devastating.

[Mickey1982]

Hey Mickey

 

I tried to describe my opinion on this in my long post today over on the other forum on that endless thread, but it's really hard to put into words. Certainly it is the loss of the person in your life, but it's much more than that too - because of the way it ended, you are left feeling like you lost yourself, for lack of a better way of saying it. You put all your trust and love in this person and you believed he would not hurt you, then literally in the space of a day he is gone "fixing his marriage"... the way I felt was that I lost myself, or my trust in myself, if that makes sense. It is devastating.

 

Hope, that is EXACTLY it. He texted me on a Friday night professing his love and giving me a countdown of the number of days until we would see each other in Miami. The very next day, about 18 hours later, he said he needed to work on his marriage, try to love her again, cancel the trip to Miami and end it with me. THAT is why I STILL can't accept it. 3 1/2 years of very few disagreements and sheer bliss only to have it all taken away without warning overnight....that is what hurts.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope, that is EXACTLY it. He texted me on a Friday night professing his love and giving me a countdown of the number of days until we would see each other in Miami. The very next day, about 18 hours later, he said he needed to work on his marriage, try to love her again, cancel the trip to Miami and end it with me. THAT is why I STILL can't accept it. 3 1/2 years of very few disagreements and sheer bliss only to have it all taken away without warning overnight....that is what hurts.

 

I know, right?!?!?! You lose complete faith in yourself and what you believed in and you are constantly questioning whether it was real. It's a form of gaslighting in my opinion. It's the worst part of this kind of breakup.

 

Read my post over there if you get a chance... I think I said it better over there.

[jwi71]

It does get easier, gettingstronger, but it is a very slow process. It's almost like a slow dripping faucet trying to fill a glass---it is taking a long time.

 

I just will NEVER understand why it has been the MOST painful experience EVER---I know it ended with us in a state of 'love', but I still will NEVER be able to quite get my head around why this has been the most gut wrenching feeling in my lifetime.

 

Without malice - have you never been dumped before? Or "not chosen"?

 

If so, did you behave then as now? Did you pine for him hoping for a few hyperbolic words of - something? Did you wist the time away wondering, waiting, hoping? Or did you behave differently? Why or why not?

 

If you this is the first time - I'm sorry. It sucks. It hurts the ego, id, pride and everything else. Its less about YOU being good enough and more about not being the right fit. Sorta.

 

The problem with not being the right fit doesn't really apply here now does it?

 

Hey...maybe I'm on to something...maybe send your thoughts down THAT rabbit hole - much better methinks....

[Mickey1982]

Without malice - have you never been dumped before? Or "not chosen"?

 

If so, did you behave then as now? Did you pine for him hoping for a few hyperbolic words of - something? Did you wist the time away wondering, waiting, hoping? Or did you behave differently? Why or why not?

 

If you this is the first time - I'm sorry. It sucks. It hurts the ego, id, pride and everything else. Its less about YOU being good enough and more about not being the right fit. Sorta.

 

The problem with not being the right fit doesn't really apply here now does it?

 

Hey...maybe I'm on to somethingg...maybe send your thoughts down THAT rabbit hole - much better methinks....

 

I'll never be bitter nor will I ever knock someone down who is already hurting and obviously in pain. I certainly hope that you find your way to happiness after all these years of suffering.

[Bootsie]

I'll never be bitter nor will I ever knock someone down who is already hurting and obviously in pain. I certainly hope that you find your way to happiness after all these years of suffering.

 

 

I don't understand what this post means. On the one hand it could be a sort of put down of jwi71. Or could it be an acknowledgment that you don't want to hurt the MM's wife who is likely in a lot of pain herself.

 

 

I hope it's the latter as there never seems to be a lot of empathy for the BS on this forum.

[jwi71]

I'll never be bitter nor will I ever knock someone down who is already hurting and obviously in pain. I certainly hope that you find your way to happiness after all these years of suffering.

 

I am perfectly happy and trying to get you on that path as well. And I got to happy the same way we all do - hard work and an ocean of tears. Not fun at all. But the reward - the reward is as if you had, for all your days, seen only in black and white and then, suddenly, see in color.

 

Breathtaking.

 

Wallowing in the past or "what if" does little to move YOU forward in life - instead anchoring you in the past - and a past that had little chance of ever being a fairy tale ending.

 

My question is a simple one - do you always react this away to the end of an R. If not, why not? If so, maybe a better way to move forward?

[BrokenPrincess]

Mickey I don't know if breaking NC is good advice or not...before Hope posted, my thoughts while reading through your posts was "something's gotta give here"...and maybe breaking NC might finally propel you down a path of true healing, just not sure if that acceleration is worth it if it's because whatever he says makes you hurt worse than you do now.

 

Sorry if I missed this in earlier posts but why is your MM staying with his W? I know you'd had plans for a getaway just before DDay hit but was he telling you he planned to leave his M?

[Mickey1982]

Mickey I don't know if breaking NC is good advice or not...before Hope posted, my thoughts while reading through your posts was "something's gotta give here"...and maybe breaking NC might finally propel you down a path of true healing, just not sure if that acceleration is worth it if it's because whatever he says makes you hurt worse than you do now.

 

Sorry if I missed this in earlier posts but why is your MM staying with his W? I know you'd had plans for a getaway just before DDay hit but was he telling you he planned to leave his M?

 

 

BrokenPrincess, he is staying for the same reasons that so many others do--kids. He is completely sure his children will hate him if he leaves--- ONE reason and one reason only which hit him between the eyes on d-day. He has been out of love with HER for years---did the love return after d-day?--I don't know if he was telling the truth or lying.

 

And, yes, we talked about a future and a life TOGETHER.

 

BELIEVE ME, if he had not promised me a future, I could not have stayed in a relationship with him for 3 1/2 years.

[gettingstronger]

Mickey, you have no idea why he is staying. He told you he loves his wife , but you are ignoring that. His situation is the same as it was when you guys were making plans for a future. What has changed is what he wants to do and you chose to decide it's for the kids. You really have no idea why. I say this not to hurt you but because I think the belief that men stay just for the kids keep the OW hung up for longer. You have to entertain the very real possibility that he loves his wife.

[Speakingofwhich]

Mickey, I continue to believe you're best off maintaining NC. Here's why:

 

Most of the time when men need space or ask for it, as it sounds to me as if your MM has done, if one continues to press them for contact in any way, it tends to push them further away.

 

As I'm reading your posts it seems to me your desire is to end your heartache asap and that you would be glad to re-establish your R with MM. Not sure, if, at this point the latter is desired?

 

If you contact MM, chances are pretty good that he'll tell you the same things he's already told you. And that may make you feel even worse than you do now. In addition to that if you contact him you may begin to establish a pattern of you pursuing and him retreating as you may find one last convo for closure isn't enough.

 

If you can possibly hold off contacting him, and if there is the possibility that he will reach out to you (which I believe there is if you don't reach out to him), I believe you'll shorten the duration of the time that takes to happen.

 

For me, even if I had no desire of re-establishing the R, but just needed closure, the closure would be much more satisfying if he reached out to me.

 

I would wait. And in the meantime I would concentrate on doing new things to shake up my life a little. Change hairstyle, travel, take up new interests. Even if my heart wasn't in it, I would do it.

 

I've gotten the impression this guy is LD. Is he? If so, and if he had access to my social media I wouldn't post anything much at all, knowing myself, probably would post nothing. I would let him wonder what's happened to me.

 

You're going to get through this, Mickey, and come out on the other side a better and wiser woman! It just takes TIME!

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, you have no idea why he is staying. He told you he loves his wife , but you are ignoring that. His situation is the same as it was when you guys were making plans for a future. What has changed is what he wants to do and you chose to decide it's for the kids. You really have no idea why. I say this not to hurt you but because I think the belief that men stay just for the kids keep the OW hung up for longer. You have to entertain the very real possibility that he loves his wife.

 

OK, then I guess he lied beacuse he told me it was beacuse of his children---it is not something I made up in my mind to make me feel better.

[Devastated1969]

OK, then I guess he lied beacuse he told me it was beacuse of his children---it is not something I made up in my mind to make me feel better.

 

So understand Mickey. MM told me the same but when I then saw him he said he loved his wife who he previously told me he'd not loved for over 5 years. I guess we have no choice but to accept what is in front of us. They chose their wife. That is all that matters. I am still devastated about what happened, confused and sad but I just remind myself of the facts. I am having a massive spring clean of my house to rid myself of his memory today. Followed by wine with true friends. Hugs Mickey xxx

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I continue to believe you're best off maintaining NC. Here's why:

 

Most of the time when men need space or ask for it, as it sounds to me as if your MM has done, if one continues to press them for contact in any way, it tends to push them further away.

 

As I'm reading your posts it seems to me your desire is to end your heartache asap and that you would be glad to re-establish your R with MM. Not sure, if, at this point the latter is desired?

 

If you contact MM, chances are pretty good that he'll tell you the same things he's already told you. And that may make you feel even worse than you do now. In addition to that if you contact him you may begin to establish a pattern of you pursuing and him retreating as you may find one last convo for closure isn't enough.

 

If you can possibly hold off contacting him, and if there is the possibility that he will reach out to you (which I believe there is if you don't reach out to him), I believe you'll shorten the duration of the time that takes to happen.

 

For me, even if I had no desire of re-establishing the R, but just needed closure, the closure would be much more satisfying if he reached out to me.

 

I would wait. And in the meantime I would concentrate on doing new things to shake up my life a little. Change hairstyle, travel, take up new interests. Even if my heart wasn't in it, I would do it.

 

I've gotten the impression this guy is LD. Is he? If so, and if he had access to my social media I wouldn't post anything much at all, knowing myself, probably would post nothing. I would let him wonder what's happened to me.

 

You're going to get through this, Mickey, and come out on the other side a better and wiser woman! It just takes TIME!

 

 

Thank you speakingofwhich.

 

It's really amazing to me how so many posters on here have come to know me so well in such little time. I would so very much love to meet some of you in person someday beacuse I feel we are all friends who are looking out for the best for each other.

 

All of which you said is 100% accurate and I am NOT going to contact him again. I NEVER wanted to this past week and I can only hope he closed out the account or never checks it. I do want it to be on his terms. And, to be honest, I do want him to wonder how I am doing and what I am up to.

 

THANK YOU AGAIN for taking the time to be my friend.

[Mickey1982]

So understand Mickey. MM told me the same but when I then saw him he said he loved his wife who he previously told me he'd not loved for over 5 years. I guess we have no choice but to accept what is in front of us. They chose their wife. That is all that matters. I am still devastated about what happened, confused and sad but I just remind myself of the facts. I am having a massive spring clean of my house to rid myself of his memory today. Followed by wine with true friends. Hugs Mickey xxx

 

 

YOU GO GIRL! Thank you for reminding me that in the end we will come out as winners.....

[gettingstronger]

OK, then I guess he lied beacuse he told me it was beacuse of his children---it is not something I made up in my mind to make me feel better.

 

 

Yes, I think its been established that he is indeed a liar-but what you fail to remember is its been established that you are too good for him, you deserve to be valued for the caring person that you are-you continue to forget your own value as a person instead allowing this person who is not worthy of you make you feel bad-

 

I know its easier said than done, but get a little cocky about you- instead of worrying about what he thinks/thought of you remind yourself that you are someone who deserves to be treated well and put first-be cocky-its OK!

[Mickey1982]

OK, then I guess he lied beacuse he told me it was beacuse of his children---it is not something I made up in my mind to make me feel better.

 

 

Yes, I think its been established that he is indeed a liar-but what you fail to remember is its been established that you are too good for him, you deserve to be valued for the caring person that you are-you continue to forget your own value as a person instead allowing this person who is not worthy of you make you feel bad-

 

I know its easier said than done, but get a little cocky about you- instead of worrying about what he thinks/thought of you remind yourself that you are someone who deserves to be treated well and put first-be cocky-its OK!

 

you made me cry.....thank you for making me not feel so studpid, foolish and naive. I DO APPRECIATE it so very much. He crushed every bit of self esteem in me- a woman who was confident and respected. When someone you thought you knew so well and loved more than anything makes you question everything about yourself, it obliterates your self worth--at least it did for me.

[gettingstronger]

When someone you thought you knew so well and loved more than anything makes you question everything about yourself, it obliterates your self worth--at least it did for me.

 

 

Well heck yea- my HUSBAND did this to me- not an easy thing to deal with and yes, I was self confident and strong and ended up in a heap on the floor-I had to work on picking myself up and deciding what works for me-we are reconciling and maybe that does not make sense to you-how I can tell you to move on when I am reconciling-but what my point is that I truly believe I am #1 in his life again and he is committed to me and only me-what you and I do share is the utter hopeless feeling of being betrayed-I am 14 months out and I can tell you its a long, tough road but you do have to remind yourself of your own self worth and you do have to get a little cocky-I am sure my co-workers/friends were like WTF because I did just that- I strutted a little more, I held my head up a little higher, I put me first- as they say, fake it until you make it-be that confident strong person you want and need to be while dying on the inside, but make sure everyday you are doing something, anything that gets you closer to that goal-

[Cocochai]

Mickey, I continue to believe you're best off maintaining NC. Here's why:

 

Most of the time when men need space or ask for it, as it sounds to me as if your MM has done, if one continues to press them for contact in any way, it tends to push them further away.

 

As I'm reading your posts it seems to me your desire is to end your heartache asap and that you would be glad to re-establish your R with MM. Not sure, if, at this point the latter is desired?

 

If you contact MM, chances are pretty good that he'll tell you the same things he's already told you. And that may make you feel even worse than you do now. In addition to that if you contact him you may begin to establish a pattern of you pursuing and him retreating as you may find one last convo for closure isn't enough.

 

If you can possibly hold off contacting him, and if there is the possibility that he will reach out to you (which I believe there is if you don't reach out to him), I believe you'll shorten the duration of the time that takes to happen.

 

For me, even if I had no desire of re-establishing the R, but just needed closure, the closure would be much more satisfying if he reached out to me.

 

I would wait. And in the meantime I would concentrate on doing new things to shake up my life a little. Change hairstyle, travel, take up new interests. Even if my heart wasn't in it, I would do it.

 

I've gotten the impression this guy is LD. Is he? If so, and if he had access to my social media I wouldn't post anything much at all, knowing myself, probably would post nothing. I would let him wonder what's happened to me.

 

You're going to get through this, Mickey, and come out on the other side a better and wiser woman! It just takes TIME!

 

Yes I was going to ask you Mickey if you did do social media?

 

I'm with SpeakinOfWhich when it comes to not reaching out because when you do it only makes them push away more. When someone misses you and has no clue what your doing (even if they can see your picture on social media), it makes them want to reach out more to see what your up to.

 

For me, we are both on FB but I kicked him off my page months ago because I saw how his BS has no clue posting things making him look like the "Husband of the year". And I couldn't stomach it any longer.

 

I also notice that whenever I changed my profile picture during NC... He would reach out.

 

So this time... i decided to do NOTHING! Just move on with my life and honestly, I feel sad that we're no longer communicating but I feel much Happier knowing that I'm not put in that situation anymore. My mind consumed with what XMM is doing... With this BS or with his KIDS.

 

I have decided to just do ME and keep the people who knows my worth and I know theirs as well.

 

Mickey, not sure if anyone has ever asked you but how exactly did you and your XMM meet?

[Mickey1982]

Yes I was going to ask you Mickey if you did do social media?

 

I'm with SpeakinOfWhich when it comes to not reaching out because when you do it only makes them push away more. When someone misses you and has no clue what your doing (even if they can see your picture on social media), it makes them want to reach out more to see what your up to.

 

For me, we are both on FB but I kicked him off my page months ago because I saw how his BS has no clue posting things making him look like the "Husband of the year". And I couldn't stomach it any longer.

 

I also notice that whenever I changed my profile picture during NC... He would reach out.

 

So this time... i decided to do NOTHING! Just move on with my life and honestly, I feel sad that we're no longer communicating but I feel much Happier knowing that I'm not put in that situation anymore. My mind consumed with what XMM is doing... With this BS or with his KIDS.

 

I have decided to just do ME and keep the people who knows my worth and I know theirs as well.

 

Mickey, not sure if anyone has ever asked you but how exactly did you and your XMM meet?

 

We met at my second job out of college, dated for a few months, broke up and each moved on to other companies. We then reconnected on FB and the rest is history.....

[herself]

Mickey,

My xMM ( I am a MW too) up and left our EA high and dry with no explanation right after dropping off the face of the earth for 5 days over thanksgiving and then when he answered an email he was cold and heartless.

At the very second I started to feel a little smile again, right after Christmas after I cried an ocean if tears, couldnt stomach christmas music or sleep or eat,

My heart was crushed and I was a hollow wreck.

Then, he inched back in with happy birthday, and then still it took a few months before he began to warm to friendship but he was sooooo cold. I still dont know what happened but Im glad to have my friend back some days, but often....I wish he had stayed gone.

 

If he comes back Mickey it will validate you, but put u on rollercoaster again & thats the part I personally hate.

 

In a strange way, i envy your freedom. Think on that!