melell Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Husband -Abuse is mental/emotional/verbal -Partner is chronic alcoholic, can become very nasty after drinking. Drinks 6 nights of the week- around 17 standard drinks a night. -Partner has cushy job and earns a lot of money, so never contributes anything other than money-always holds money over the other. Wife/family member -Is scared of being alone. -Would lose everything in divorce. -Very insecure, scared the other person will leave them. -Very timid -Does not drink -Works twice as many hours at low wage. Are you meant to remain forever supportive and just be a neutral listening ear? Or are you meant to be firm? Remind them that certain behaviors are not healthy? Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 This is terrible, I think you should see a counselor. Most people on here are just regular people, some might even share similar experience and not know what to do themselves. You should seek a professional's advice. This is about you right, this is isn't just discussion? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Husband -Abuse is mental/emotional/verbal -Partner is chronic alcoholic, can become very nasty after drinking. Drinks 6 nights of the week- around 17 standard drinks a night. -Partner has cushy job and earns a lot of money, so never contributes anything other than money-always holds money over the other. Wife/family member -Is scared of being alone. -Would lose everything in divorce. -Very insecure, scared the other person will leave them. -Very timid -Does not drink -Works twice as many hours at low wage. Are you meant to remain forever supportive and just be a neutral listening ear? Or are you meant to be firm? Remind them that certain behaviors are not healthy? Well, it's hard to accept, but there is a limit of what you can do if she's not willing to leave the situation. I would be supportive, but firm. Edit: Is she willing to get some therapy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
InnocentMan Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 m. Are you meant to remain forever supportive and just be a neutral listening ear? Or are you meant to be firm? Remind them that certain behaviors are not healthy? I don't see why you can't be supportive, as well as offering an opinion on her situation. If she's telling you about it, then she probably won't mind hearing what you have to say. Saying that, in my experience, it's best to stay out of other adults relationships, except under extreme circumstances, threat of physical violence etc. Even though it's a family member, you're only ever getting one side of the story, and you generally don't get thanks for interfering too much. As difficult as it sometimes is, you have to let people make their own mistakes, and somehow sort out their own problems. That doesn't mean that you can't offer help, if/when it does all fall apart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author melell Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 This is terrible, I think you should see a counselor. Most people on here are just regular people, some might even share similar experience and not know what to do themselves. You should seek a professional's advice. This is about you right, this is isn't just discussion? Nope, it is about my cousin, she is 35 btw. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melell Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 I don't see why you can't be supportive, as well as offering an opinion on her situation. If she's telling you about it, then she probably won't mind hearing what you have to say. Saying that, in my experience, it's best to stay out of other adults relationships, except under extreme circumstances, threat of physical violence etc. Even though it's a family member, you're only ever getting one side of the story, and you generally don't get thanks for interfering too much. As difficult as it sometimes is, you have to let people make their own mistakes, and somehow sort out their own problems. That doesn't mean that you can't offer help, if/when it does all fall apart. Thank you for this. I find it really difficult because I know I am the only person she confides in, and I know she has lost a lot of friends and family as a result of her unwillingness to leave- makes it tricky. I find myself biting my tongue most of the time- I don't want to encourage anything, but I don't want her to feel like I will cut her off either. A bit frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melell Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 Well, it's hard to accept, but there is a limit of what you can do if she's not willing to leave the situation. I would be supportive, but firm. Edit: Is she willing to get some therapy? She wouldn't be willing to get therapy, at least not at this point. She has had a pretty hard life, and a few failed relationships behind her-I think she truly feels that she would rather be in a bad marriage than none at all.. She has had therapy in the past, and I don't think it helped her much, so she lost faith. Really sad that at 35 she has concluded that 'this is life'. Which I could do something to help, but so far all I have done is listen when she needed me. At this point she phones me twice daily. Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Nope, it is about my cousin, she is 35 btw. This is horrible, I wish I had an alternative to therapy, but I don't know what else to tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
InnocentMan Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Thank you for this. I find it really difficult because I know I am the only person she confides in, and I know she has lost a lot of friends and family as a result of her unwillingness to leave- makes it tricky. I find myself biting my tongue most of the time- I don't want to encourage anything, but I don't want her to feel like I will cut her off either. A bit frustrating. Having read the other postings, I'm not sure what good therapy would be for her at this time. It sounds more like her husband is the one with the issues/problems. It looks like she has been isolated, either by her husband, or as a result of her 'timidness'. It appears like you're 'last man standing' that hasn't left her to deal with her situation on her own. It's quite a burden when someone takes advantage of this, and doesn't really try to help themselves. You end up just having the same conversation day after day. I don't mean this in a bad way, but her problems are now becoming your problems. Calling someone twice a day, everyday, is quite tiresome after a while, no matter how much you may care for them, or understand their issues. I don't like giving too much opinion when it comes to family matters, but I do know what a ballache families can be at times, without them even realising it. Eventually you will get sick of it, and it will damage the relationship you have with your cousin. If she thinks that her current situation is better than anything else out there, then sometimes you just have to leave them to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Unfortunately, sometimes a person really has to hit rock bottom before they either kill themselves or decide that they are not going to put up with things anymore. Your cousin's threshold for putting up with abuse is very high right now. Letting her lean on you isn't exactly making her leave him right? Maybe if she lost the last person she can lean on, she will. It's a very tricky situation and there is no clear solution. Just try to remember to take care of your own mental health as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Husband -Abuse is mental/emotional/verbal -Partner is chronic alcoholic, can become very nasty after drinking. Drinks 6 nights of the week- around 17 standard drinks a night. -Partner has cushy job and earns a lot of money, so never contributes anything other than money-always holds money over the other. Wife/family member -Is scared of being alone. -Would lose everything in divorce. -Very insecure, scared the other person will leave them. -Very timid -Does not drink -Works twice as many hours at low wage. Are you meant to remain forever supportive and just be a neutral listening ear? Or are you meant to be firm? Remind them that certain behaviors are not healthy? Why would she lose 'everything' in the divorce? I would actually bring this person to a therapist, get her help so she could become stronger, more secure and independent so she can leave her abusive husband. I'd be firm but loving, support and kind at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 If you feel you need to distance yourself, by all means do so. But please, please don't walk away from her completely. Link to post Share on other sites
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